I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

Not everyone. Please don’t try to speak for “everyone”.

OP, you made a mistake and a not very smart one at that, but we are all human and those who pretend to be perfect are often the worse.

There is no point in beating yourself up on something you cannot change, you have shown remorse, discreetly move on and put this behind you. Avoid it happening again.

”The past is a foreign country and they do things differently there”. LP Hartley.

Sorry OP not sure why and can’t put my finger on it, but in this thread when you say I feel so ashamed, I feel so guilty… it’s ringing a bit hollow. People can say words but do they really mean it. Only you’ll know and giving up alcohol a good step regardless.
Not sure what’s going on, but that comment about not being 100% sure your friend will keep your confidence is telling… wanting to tell him before he finds out another way.
If your ‘friend’ didn’t know, would you still be as ‘pained’?
Absolute nonsense to suggest that you may or may not have cheated due to (subconsciously) DHs weight gain - the gain that you are only worried about from a health not aesthetic perspective!?

with so little memory of the event, any chance he slipped you a pill?

Do not tell him to ease your own guilt, your husband will never forget this even if he does forgive you. If it was the other way around I wouldn't want my marriage destroyed over a drunken one night stand . We are all human and sometimes make mistakes, learn from your alcohol misuse and move on .

I thought of that, it is possible, but I know I made a conscious choice to start kissing him. Don't remember a lot from his hotel room.

Do not tell him

keep this secret until you die but make positive changes (sounds like you have)

I can't really believe what I'm reading.

Not telling your husband would be continuing the selfish and emotionally abusive behaviour that allowed you to do this in the first place.

There were a million decisions you made that night that lead to this betrayal, and in not a single one did you turn back.

The thought of being physical with my husband unknowingly if he'd done something like this makes me feel sick.

I imagine you would be getting different responses if you were a 50 year old man, with a 20 something young girl, and a 'fat' wife looking after your 12 year old daughter.

You didn't make a mistake. You made a decision. And it was a repulsive and morally bankrupt one.

You should tell your husband so he can make decisions based on the truth of who he married. You won't though, but I hope he finds out through your friend at least, she must have been horrified at your behaviour.

You have to tell him, because you told your friend. If you wanted to keep it to yourself and move on, as other posters have suggested, you shouldn't have told anyone.

Time and again I read on Mumsnet, that when some poor woman’s husband is cheating she deserves to know because if he continues sleeping with his wife he’s taking away her right to be informed ‘who’ she’s sleeping with - that she’s also inadvertently having sex with the woman he’s having sex with. Does the right to know what sort of person you’re having sex with change when you’re just a man then?

Why did you stay at a bar when you had already been drinking on your own unless subconsciously you were looking for fun.
You know your DH...Will he forgive you? Would you forgive him it he had done this?
Being drunk is no excuse...you got yourself drunk.
It was a mistake to tell your friend as she will doubtless tell someone and it will get back ti him.
You need to tell DH and don't minimise it...you did what you did...there are no excuses and I'm sure everyone in your position feels remorse after the event but it wasn't enough to stop at the time. And saying you were too drunk to give consent probably is no excuse either as you could have gone back with your friend and you admit you wanted to kiss ken.

My friend knowing does not have anything to do with my guilt. She knows how remorseful I feel and is very supportive and wants to be there for me in whatever course I decide to take. We have been childhood friends and that is no way she will ever tell, but that does not mean it is not possible. However, that has not been my concern over the past few months.

Fully agree with this!

See a counsellor and don’t expect a confession to make you feel better. Cheating can cause a form of ptsd in betrayed people.
And be aware it is highly likely your marriage will never be the same again. Read the book ‘cheating in a nutshell’. And how to help your spouse heal from your affair. It takes 3-5 years to heal.

And when you own up do not trickle truth. Do not blame your husband. You chose to cheat. You make lots of micro decisions from the minute he walked into the bar. It’s not an accident it’s a choice - unless you were too drunk to consent and if that’s the case it’s rape. You say you kissed the man. Did you start the kiss? If you consented / chased him be honest. Theres another book ‘not just friends’ by Glass - it’s discussed walls and windows. I think this would help you.

You have a but in your fidelity I am faithful but not if you put weight on. I am faithful but not if I’m drunk. I am faithful but not if he’s young and hot.

Go see a counsellor who is experienced in betrayal and work out why you did this. If the counsellor discussed unmet needs, go elsewhere. Cheating (as you explained) is not down to unmet needs. In my opinion down to personality traits - for example needing ego boosts, poor boundaries, poor self esteem, arrogance, addiction problems.

I don’t cheat on my husband, he’s annoying at times, for me. I said I wouldn’t cheat when I made vows and my vows matter to me. So I am faithful for me. I want to be able to look myself in the eye each day and be proud of me. I want my friends and family to know my words mean something. That I stick to my word. So I am faithful for me, not him. My husband is my collateral damage.

It may be a cliche but the first person we lie to is ourself - why did you cheat. (Clue - it is nothing to do with your husband)

No one is powerful enough to make another cheat or be faithful. Fucking the Ken lookalike hasn’t helped your marriage and it hasn’t addressed your husbands weight. It’s a poor excuse (and nonsense) so please dont say it to your husband. Sadly when you confess you may find his weight loss occurs as he deals with the trauma.

I don’t think you grasp the reality of what’s going to happen next and you need to be prepared that this will end your marriage or your husband will never see you the same again. Surviving infidelity website has a section for those that have cheated and resources to help.

Being an alcoholic makes you brain only think of boos. I wanted more drinks but was going to call it a night after my next one. He arrived during my last planned drink, and then started buying shots... As an alcoholic, you will not leave if someone is buying you shots. I was really f-d up in the head and only thought of drinking. I never really thought about cheating during this time, or kissing the guy, at some point I did start kissing him. I can't tell you when or why, but it was five or six shots of old-fashioned whiskey he had brought me, so probably 30 minutes in.

Some of these replies are absolutely vile. If this thread was about finding £10 on the floor, you'd have posters tripping over themselves to tell you that you need to find the original owner or you'd be the most deceitful, lying, lowest of low kind of person.

But hey, shag another guy whilst married, pretend it didn't happen and lie about it until death. As I said, vile.

Tell your poor husband and let him choose his own destiny.

Don’t tell him.. And that’s not a double standard thing if my Dh did this and felt terrible and would never do it again I wouldn’t want to know either.

It’s ridiculous to pretend that looks don’t play a part in attraction.

I would hate it if my husband allowed himself to become obese through his life choices - ie eating unhealthily or never exercising. That is not to say I’d stop loving him or be unfaithful but I’d find it deeply unattractive -,and it’s also quite selfish to just totally let yourself go.

If a man came on here and said he’d shagged some 25 yr old because his wife got fat, he would be destroyed. It’s grim op as you well know and using his weight as an excuse is both pathetic and shallow. Grow up, no one is responsible for your behaviour but you.
That said, IF (and it’s a big if!) this is genuinely a one off, shitty, selfish choice then I don’t think you should tell him. Having been in a somewhat similar situation (although my dickhead husband didn’t go as far as you did) I would honestly rather not have known. Like you, he made pissed up, selfish, shitty choices which to him meant nothing. But for me? It’s been the worst experience of my life. This shit literally destroys people, it changes how you view absolutely everything.
My husband has been through an awful lot of therapy to work out why he did what he did and it was all about him. His weakness, his pathetic ego, his insecurity. It was absolutely nothing to do with me, but the effect on me has been horrendous.
So, I suggest you get some therapy to work out what is wrong with you, that allowed you to do this. And I suggest you carry the guilt yourself. You shit on the carpet, you can live with the smell.

OP respectfully it sounds like you’ve sat on it for months already? Given the experience your friend went through with her own parents not really fair on her either, to be put in a position of being told how remorseful you are and for her to then have to be very supportive… and be there for you…

I don't think she will say anything, but I am not 100% sure. Her dad had cheated on her mom, and she hated him for it. I don't know if this has built up any resentment on her part for me. Things seem normal and we are still best friends (outside my friendship with my husband). I do think about this sometimes, and it may be another reason i want to tell him before he hears the news from someone other than me.

You did say her knowing ‘may be another reason’ you want to tell him… and that you think about it sometimes etc.

End of day the rest is white noise. You either tell your DH or you don’t. Your friend likely not comfortable with the position you’ve put her in and probably a bit tired of hearing about the guilt/shame you are at lengths to profess (so far the depths of this ‘remorse’ have led to zero action in telling your DH)…

Thank you so much for your perspective. This has been extremely helpful.

Poor dh. Hope OP used condoms, oh wait she was supposedly too drunk to know. Of course he needs to be told, preferably before they next have sex.

If you truly do love your husband and want to stay with him, and if you believe he loves you and wants a life with you then you can not tell him yet.
It is selfish to confess so to apease your own feelings of guilt.

He doesn't need to be hurt by the betrayal.
You need to get tested for STD and you need to stop drinking.
Once you have successfully stopped drinking for at least a couple of years (and have also given any thought of cheating up too) and you have treated your husband with respect, only then would I consider spoiling the rest of his life by telling him of your drunked one night stand.

Think carefully as to whether he needs to be told.
You could always suffer your guilt alone - as long as you never cheat or drink again.

Have you enquired with AA about attending their qw step alcohol programme? You'll need professional help to get over your addiction.

I think the guilt you are feeling is the price you have to pay. Why do you want to tell your husband and make him suffer too? He doesn't have to pay that price. Keep it to yourself and let him be happy.

Agh the double standards on here wind me up! Imagine a man says I had a drunken one night stand everyone would kick off about it tell you to leave him, if the guy came on here and said it, it would be too have to tell her. A woman does it and it’s don’t tell him, he doesn’t need to know.

I actually don’t know what I would do but if the guilt is changing the dynamics then yes (I would say this to both genders) if you can carry on with life without being weird then maybe not. It’s a tough call, would I leave my partner potentially I would. The big issue which would make me tell him is your friend knows therefore it is out in the world.