I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

You are absolutely right. I know my alcoholism has been a heavy burden on our family and surely contributed to my husband's health issue. I really tried for many years to quit, went to AA, even had my husband quota out alcohol to me so I am forced to stop after 2 drinks. None of that worked for me. I guess deep down I really was just selfish and did not want to give up boos. Now I have put myself and my family is such a bad position. I really want to come clean with him, not just for my own guilt, but he deserves to know. I am ready to face the consequences.

The OP says it is making her feel guilty, and that is why she wants to tell her husband.

To me it sounds like she views telling her husband as the pressure release valve. That isn't taking responsibility. It is blowing up you family to feel better about some guilt. Then everyone else has to deal with it and OP gets to feel better?

In these circumstances I think a better approach; accept that she has done wrong, make good choices like stopping alcohol and carry the guilt until it fades, which it will. I suppose you could call this atonement

There is no easy way of telling him. Just make sure your daughter is not present when you tell him and be prepared to have to walk away from the family home if he requests you to do so. Do you think you have a family member you will be able to stay with temporarily if he asks you to leave?

Honestly the shark was well and truly jumped several updates ago and yet PP are still engaging like any of this is real.

Its about a 2/10 for effort

Do you not think partners have a right to make an informed choice as to whether they remain in a marriage where they have been cheated on?

yes, there will be consequences but the husband deserves to know this information...he may choose to remain in the marriage and get counselling, especially as op has now given up alcohol

Or he may decide he wants to end things, which yes, would he tough but he deserves to have the choice.

Yes he bloody does deserve to know, especially as he’s stuck by you all these years. He may find that if he separates from you he will be able to concentrate on himself and get back to fitness.

All the PPs with the “it’s a one off mistake” nope it’s just another issue of living with an alcoholic. It’s never ending.

We have two homes, so I will move into our other home if he wants me to leave.

I don't think alcohol should ever excuse bad behaviour.

In this case, I honestly wouldn’t tell him. You have no intention of cheating again and feel terrible.

However, if you are no longer physically attracted to your husband because of his lifestyle choices, and sex is still important to you, you need a conversation with him about this.

I am still physically attracted to him. He is very handsome even when overweight. He carries the weight well, and I call him "Pleasantly Plump". I do worry about the diabetes and heart and other conditions that comes with it.

Fuck off she knew exactly what she was doing! Shes just making excuses!

You should read my response to the original question before saying I am making excuses.

You need to tell him to get an STI test.

The problem with this thinking is that you are treating all cheating as equivalent. As if it’s the same as someone deliberately and consciously cheating. This wasn’t. OP had no intention of cheating, was pissed ( and is someone with an alcohol problem), barely remembers the cheating, is consumed with guilt, and has cleared up her alcohol problem to ensure this never happens again. It’s dealt with.

The amount of pain and devastation this would cause, especially to her daughter - a true innocent in this - is wildly disproportionate to what OP did. And what’s more,the pain it would cause is wildly out of odds with how OP is committed to behave in the future.

Don’t listen to the black and white thinking absolutists urging you on OP. You owe it to your daughter to manage your guilt yourself. She does not deserve her childhood and family blown up.

And your H does not deserve the needless pain this would cause.

You made one mistake. You’ve dealt with it by dealing with your alcohol problem.

That would be part of my confession. Also, I had a full panel done and it was negative.

As a thought experiment, could everyone ask themselves how they would respond to this post.

Dear Mumsnet,
I'm a married bloke in my 50s.
I had a one night stand with a hot young woman in her mid 20's at the beach, I was a bit drunk but do vaguely remember that we ended up fucking all night like a pair of bunnies. I'd had quite a few drinks so I think this excuses it.
Should I tell my wife? Oh, I'm sure this is nothing to do with it but she really has let herself go and frankly is a bit of a porker now you know.

My husband and I agreed that kissing someone else would be a dealbreaker (we were older when we met), so either of us fucking someone else would likely be the end of our marriage

Tell him. Do NOT mention his health. Think about exactly how you’re going to tell him, bearing in mind he will be beyond devastated

I’m writing this imagining how I’d feel if it happened to me, which is why I’m pulling no punches. However, what is done is done and you must tell him in the best way you can

I understand why some are suggesting that you don’t tell him but keeping this to yourself will eat you alive and your guilt is already changing how you are around him and he will notice

Do not insult his intelligence by making excuses. Don’t butter him up with a fancy meal & don’t blame the alcohol - you fucked someone else because you wanted to

Be prepared to move out for a bit as he will need time to get his head around your treachery (because that’s how it will feel to him) and seeing you might make it even more painful. Let him decide whether he wants you to leave (temporarily) and do as he asks, whatever it is

Despite all of the above, be kind to yourself

💐

Don't tell him. You feel guilty, you have stopped drinking and won't do it again. It's your burden to carry. Don't destroy your DH and possibly DC if this blows up. If I was your DH I wouldn't want to know about a one night stand if it was nothing more than 1 drunken mistake and wouldn't happen again.

Thanks for the advice! I appreciate it.

Forget she had some random bloke's penis in her? How on earth do you suggest she does that?

Oh don't tell your husband, just put it down as a life lesson not to get so drunk next time.

@MinimumAstronaut811 I am being blunt, but this is not about your husband, this is all about you. You made the decision to abuse alcohol, you made the decision to carry on drinking after your friend had left - rather than safely accompany her back to your hotel. You made the decision to start kissing another man - at this point, you had already made the decision to be unfaithful. You made the decision to commit adultery.

You are feeling guilty and to assuage your guilt you want to lay it all on your husband - offloading your monkey onto him. You are trying to make yourself appear altruistic by convincing yourself it's for his good that you confess - don't try and convince him of this! No, it's all about you, not your marriage nor your husband who you say you love. Maybe you do maybe you don't but your wants, needs, desires clearly top any love you may have for him.

Does your husband deserve to know? Yes, of course - he needs to be allowed to make his own decisions about whether he wants to remain married to you, but don't dress up your need to confess to be anything other than another act of selfishness.

Alcoholism is a life-controlling disability, I get it - but don't use it as an excuse for your choices to act in the way you do. I truly hope you manage to get help with your problems and find some way to overcome them.

If you want to off load, go and see a counsellor .

You made a mistake. You're sorry and that's what counts.

No need to burden your husband with a confession.

@Thegreatestoftheseislove Aren't you over stepping the mark to say OP is an alcoholic? She had a few too many drinks on holiday.
That is far from being dependent on drink and drinking daily.

Oh there's always someone who has to be so frank'.

Surely you know what it means to 'forget' something?

You're just playing with semantics.