I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

What you did was awful. Dont tell him it will end your marriage. You only want to tell him to absolve your guilt. Learn to live with it and move on.

It is this type of bullshit that prevents true victims of rape from coming forward.

what if he was smashed off his face drunk aswell? Drunken consent is still consent!

the OP has made a mistake. Please stop making excuses for her.

Oh. Sorry everybody. Whole post is a fantasy it seems

This is a wake up call for you to dedicate your life to making your marriage work.
Do not tell him.
whats there to tell - you got drunk and had sex with a stranger
Re-direct your thinking away from that skinny sliver of time and back on to what is actually real. Your marriage.

Oh OP your anguish is so palpable. I wish I could just give you a massive hug.

Yes you kissed him, but it doesn't really sound like you were able to give consent for what happened after. Kissing him does not mean you consent to anything else!

Sending you love 🫂

No I’m sorry it’s not. If you are too drunk you can’t consent. That is law. Not my opinion.

Why on earth would protecting women from ‘all’ instances of rape stop women from coming forward? Explain

Use this as your motivation for never touching the stuff again and count yourself lucky to still be frankly, alive. This could have ended up so much worse! Telling him isn't going to do anything but cause more harm to everyone involved, including your daughter. Yes you are going to have to live with it and so you should. Don't use his weight or health to try and make it any less than it is. You cheated and have to live with it. You made that decision no one else.

Is the real? The style of writing seems to be more like that of someone in their early 20's.

If it is real, it was a one off and you've stopped drinking, I wouldn't tell him. Go to counselling or ring the samaritans if you need to get it off your chest or better understand your motivation.

There was a thread the other day that I didn't read but the title was something like "Would most mean cheat if they thought they wouldn't be caught". Looks like an awful lot of women would by the responses on here.

The hypocrisy on this thread is outstanding.

Tell him, let him make his choice. I couldn't go on to have a happy marriage if I was carrying this "secret".

Of course he should know so he gets the choice whether to work through it or to leave you. It's not fair for him not to know he's been betrayed.

I agree, it is my understanding it's the law that says that you can't consent if you are drunk because you don't have the capacity to consent. I'm not sure how it works if the man is equally drunk though. OP only seems to have glimpses of memory so I'd ask her, if she were talking to me in person, is she sure her drink wasn't spiked? I do think OP is the best placed to know if she had the presence of mind to consent.

Lay your cards on the table and deal with the consequences like an adult.

MN is full of threads with women saying they just found out their DH has had a one night stand and didn't tell them. They could have forgiven them for the sex, but it was the deceipt they could never forgive. Typical MN responses are to agree that dishonesty and secrets in a relationship are the worst thing possible.

Not sure why the same logic doesn't hold where it's a woman who couldn't resist being led by her libido (and we know it wasn't the alcohol at fault - we are often told on here that a drunk man only does what a sobre man secretly wants to do).

Drunken consent is not legally consent.

Don't tell him. It's not just throwing a grenade into your marriage, it's your DD's life too. You made a shit choice why should they pay the price. Make sure your mate won't blab & get on with your lives. Love all of him chubby bits too coz you've certainly proved here your not perfect either!

You should tell your husband because you have done wrong, If it was the other way around we all know what Mumsnet would be saying !!!
Also another major thing is the fact your friend knows, it means there is no way you can guarantee this won’t get out, even in 20 years !! So you have to confess.

Would you say that if op was on here saying her husband had a one night stand ?

I'm interested in why this is "the most horrific way" she could have betrayed him. I would say a long term affair would be much worse in terms of betrayal, a sober coupling with his brother or best friend, in terms of cheating a meaningless ONS while incredibly intoxicated seems at the "better" end of betrayal.

You're probably right, I've never done one.

I wonder if OP will return and explain 🤔

I'm not sure why the husband's weight is relevant to anything.

It is no longer a secret once you tell someone. Yes you made a very poor decision, your husband deserves to know, without sugar coating it. If your marriage is meant to be, you both will eventually heal from your poor choice. Let's face it if he had done that to you how would you feel ?Telling him is giving him a choice, to stay, or go. I don't know how close you and your friend are, but why would she leave you alone in that state of drunkenness? I will write it again " It is no longer a secret once you tell someone"
Good luck whatever your choice

Don’t tell him. The awful guilt you’re feeling right now will fade. I know this sounds immoral but telling him would hurt him and destroy your marriage. He does not need to know. It wasn’t a planned affair it was a drunken mistake. Learn from it and work on your marriage as you clearly love him.

OP, if it were my husband who’d had a one night stand while drunk, and he had taken the steps that you have to ensure it never happened again…I 100% would not want to know.
Some people say you should always tell, no matter what. But the reality is, truth isnt always healing. If telling your husband would only transfer your guilt onto him - wreck his trust, his self-esteem, your family - then it’s worth asking who this confession is really for.
A lot of people say they would want to know everything. But I know I wouldn’t want a truth that only causes pain and changes nothing. I would rather keep the relationship I trust, not have it reshaped by one night I had no say in.
If you’re truly committed to staying sober, to loving him better - then that’s what counts.
You’re not pretending it didn’t happen. You’re just choosing to deal with it in a way that protects what matters most.
I would feel very differently if this was an affair, or if you weren’t drunk or if you hadn’t recognised that the drinking needed to stop. Don’t offload your guilt in some misguided attempt that it’s the right thing to do. You’ll destroy him.

Aw hun pls try to stop beating yourself up....you've caused yourself so much pain already by doing so and I honestly believe None of us are perfect fgs....I,personally,would not tell him,as you say he will be devastated and you'd be doing that for yourself....don't do that just to relieve your own guilt....BUT if you're adamant to tell him then what I would do would be to tell him what you've told us...write it down and give it to him while u sit with him and go from there.Dont forget...you're human,u made a Mistake....sending you hugs and love...and forgive yourself x♡x

Hello and thanks for all the reports on this one. We are going to close this thread while we reach out to the OP to see if we can find out what exactly is going on here.
MNHQ