I had a drunken one-night stand. I feel so ashamed!

[MinimumAstronaut811]

Hello,

I know I will get judged and ridiculed for this, and rightfully so, but I want to share my story and see if anyone can help me figure out how I should tell my husband about what I did. About four months ago, I (F50) was on a trip to beach with my best friend (F50) where we stayed in a beach town for 4 nights. My husband (M48) and daughter (F12) were visiting his mother in a different town, so my girlfriend and I decided to hit the beach during this time. On day 3, we were out at a beachside restaurant with a bar, and we were drinking pretty much the entire day there. Eventually my best friend was extremely tired and returned to our hotel room, leaving me at the bar. This was around 9:00 PM. Soon a group of young guys arrived and one of them (M24) started hitting on me and was relentless. He was very handsome and Ken (like Barbie's Ken) type guy with blond/brown hair and blue eyes and was very fit. He started buying me shots, and I have a real problem with alcohol. At some point during this time, we started making out at the bar and I ended up with him in his room!! I don't remember the encounter, just flashes of it, as I was so drunk, but we had sex all night and I returned to my room (my girlfriend was sleeping) around 7 AM.

I was devasted and ashamed of myself the next morning and I told my girlfriend what had happened. She was very surprised as she knew that my marriage was in a pretty good place. I love my husband as he is the greatest man I have known, amazing dad and a good husband; however, he has let himself go lately and had gained a lot of weight as he is now classified as Obese (over 34% body fat). He was very fit when we met. I ask him to get in shape for his health's sake, as I am in medical industry and see how bad Obesity will destroy your body and I was really afraid he would end up in a wheelchair or worse dead very soon. I had a new boss, and my job was very stressful. I am not making excuses, but I think some of this may have played some role in my heavy drinking and sleeping someone other than my husband.

I don't really know why I slept with this guy. I did find him attractive, alcohol was involved, but getting hit by good looking guys is not a new thing for me. I always brush it off or play it off, but not this time. The guilt is eating me alive, and I know I am a piece of garbage for doing this to my loving husband. I really want to come clean, but I am so afraid that it will break up the family. I know I made a terrible mistake; I don't deserve another chance and probably will not get another chance.

Since I incident I have completely given up alcohol and have been sober since that day. My husband actually commented on this about a week later, as he knows I have struggled with alcohol since my teen age years. He is very supportive of me quitting alcohol and he himself has stopped drinking (he was never an alcoholic but did drink socially).

Can someone give me some guidance on how I should break this news to my husband. I know he will be devastated and will probably hate me, and I deserve it. I don't think I can bear to see the pain in his eyes when I do tell him, but I have to do this. My only hope is that he will see that I am truly sorry and believe that this will never happen. I will also hope he agrees to couples' marriage counseling and hopefully individual counseling for both of us. I don't know, I am so worried about this horrible choice that I made. Please tell me how I should approach this with my husband in breaking this news to him.

Please give me something more than I am a terrible person, a piece of shit, slut etc. etc. I already know this, and I am determined it will never happen again. I am hoping for some constructive feedback on how I can dampen the pain for my husband when I break the news to him. Thanks!

These sort of things usually have a way of coming out the woodwork. What's stopping your friend drunkenly confiding your infidelity to someone else and then the gossip working its way back to your husband. It will be 10x worse for him finding out that way. You've got to own it and if your husband can't forgive your infidelity then quite frankly you deserve to be the one who leaves the family home. You and your drinking problem are the problem in your relationship, and you know it.

"Ken" sounds an idiot, buying a drunk woman five or six shots of whiskey within half an hour of meeting her. I am surprised the bartender didn't put a stop to it.

If it was genuinely a one off, I wouldn’t be telling your husband it would blow your whole family apart, and for what a shag that you can barely remember.
get support for the alcoholism and therapy.

My dp was an alcoholic years before we met, he’s been sober about 10 years, I actually dread to think of some of the things he got up to, and they’re the bits he can remember.
so many posters are handing you your arse on a plate but ultimately alcoholism is an addiction, which you need support for, work on that.
Me personally I’d not advise chucking a bomb in the middle of your marriage and family.

Do not tell him, you already regret it and you've realized it was a mistake. Telling him would only shift the weight of the blame and can potentially ruin the relationship. Just move on.

Thanks! I know I am the problem. I have already given up drinking. I am leaning towards telling him, just trying to figure out how.

If it was me I wouldn’t tell. No way I’m putting a bomb in my marriage for one mistake. I would probably get some counselling to unpick why I behaved like an idiot, and live with the guilt. If you do want to tell him, plan for the consequences (because if I was him I’d be leaving you..) - you may well end your marriage and you have a daughter to think about.

Well I think because your husband is 34% body fat then it's fine.
🙄

The bartender probably couldn't care less and might even not keeping an eye on what people are buying and why, as longs as they are causing no trouble to a place itself. A friend of mine is a bartender and I highly doubt he would interfere since he probably just wouldn't think much of it.

Forget about it, swear your friend to secrecy, even tell her you think you might have imagined it. The guilt you feel is your punishment and that's an end to it. Stuff it in a mental drawer lock it and throw away the key.

The whole thing reads like a bad article from take a break - I can’t believe how many PP are engaging with this absolute nonsense in good faith.

The made up ridiculous threads are getting less believable by the day

I never said that is why I did it. I own up to making a shitty choice.

It's just a very odd and specific thing to mention! How do you even know that.

Obviously you bear the responsibility here but this Ken was clearly on a mission with all the whiskey shots bought for an already very drunk woman on her own and it feels at the least unethical and predatory.

You consented to kissing, it doesn't sound to me like you were in any state to consent to sex. One does not automatically lead to the other.

Which doesn't excuse you but it feels like the issue here is alcohol as much as sex. You allowed yourself to get into a very vulnerable position.

I would not tell your husband unless your friend will. In his position I would rather not know if it was genuinely a one off mistake and you are otherwise happy. But I would get counselling and quit drinking permanently

Never said I stayed up all night, I said we had sex all night, not constantly, but it was more than once. I remember flashes.

I have been a bartender.

@TwistedWonder has the measure of things.

This. ^^

Don’t chuck a grenade into your marriage.

Just put it down to poor judgement, you behaved like a tart, you’ve learned your lesson, won’t do it again, so move on. Unburdening yourself will not help and will lead to a load of confusion and misery. Think about the consequences, the ripples in the pool.

Put it behind you and remember the lesson.

Say nothing and work on yourself. Yes I would say the same to a man. If it becomes a repeated thing then thats when you need to tell him and leave the relationship but a drunken one night stand is not something to blow all your lives up over.

We have one of those smart scales that gives you muscle and body fat percentages. I know it is probably not pinpoint accurate, but I think it provides a decent estimate. Husband has been trying to get healthy after he saw me quite drinking. It motivated him a bit to look after his own health.

I totally agree. You should have some counselling to unpick what happened and why you have issues with alchool. There must be some deep rooted trauma?

I think you should not tell him, for his sake it will ruin his life.

Make peace with it.

I completely agree with this. It's a one off mistake, you'll only make your husband (more) unhappy.

I'd just say to him that there was a reason you have up drinking...you realised it was contributing to problem behaviour. Explain that you love your husband but slept with someone on the night out with friend, and will do anything to sort things out with husband, if he is willing

I genuinely think he deserves to know

I would want to know if I was in the situation, I'd hate the thought of my husband keeping that from me.

Don't tell him. You carry the burden of knowing what you did alone. This is not one of those 'a problem shared is a problem halved' situations

@MinimumAstronaut811 i wonder if your DH comfort eats due to your alcoholism?

It’s bloody tough, living with a drunk is hard work and your entire married life he’s had to deal with your struggle with alcohol. Working in the medical industry as you do, what does it say about that? You know how they view obesity, so you should know how they view alcoholism.

So, perhaps stop blaming your DHs weight issue and why he hasn’t dealt with it and look at your alcohol issue and infidelity and what that’s done to your marriage and why if you’ve had the issue since teen years you haven’t dealt with it and subjected your family to the problems.

You’ve stopped drinking now, but it’s a bit late isn’t it! Should’ve been done before, you knew you had an issue.

A tart? Are we in the 1970's?

You talk about how hurt and upset he will be. Not to mention how this will all affect your daughter. So why on earth are you thinking of telling him??? You’re going through enough pain yourself so why inflict it on them too. This will affect him for years to come. So don’t do it to him. There are plenty of people in life who carry on blissfully unaware of things. Yes it will be eating you up but time is a healer. You won’t forget about it but things will get better over time. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes. You’re human. Be kinder to yourself and move on. Don’t ruin your husbands and daughters life over a silly mistake.