Am I odd for thinking this is a mean gift

[drycleanonly]

Back story - I’ve just turned 60, he’s 69. Seen him a couple of times before but for various reasons couldn’t accept his offer to his house last night, so he came to mine. With his uninvited and unexpected (but very welcome) ageing dog.
He brought a bottle of wine, but this is where my mind is blown. He also brought a three tomatoes from an opened pack of six and a thing of mozzarella.
Call me old fashioned, but I was feeling guilty for not being able to get to Marks and get an array of olives, cheeses, nice things.
Have I lost the plot after 23 years of marriage and my first date in the five years since my divorce, or is that a red flag? I was totally dumbfounded, tbh!!!

I’m so harsh with men but I wouldn’t have minded this. My dog hates other dogs but I love everyone’s dogs.
is it cultural? In Canada if you are invited over it’s normal to bring random contributions.
I like that he took a punt and brought some stuff.

I really can't see the issue here.

Yes, it's a bit odd, but it seems clear to me that the wine was the gift and the tomatoes and mozzarella were just a random addition/afterthought.

The dog thing would be the red flag. I can’t believe anyone is so entitled they take their dog to someone else’s home without checking first, even worse it’s only a second date!

He wouldn’t have got through my front door

I also think more actual dates rather than a home visit would be preferable to see if there’s compatibility before you invite a virtual stranger into your home.

In my book it shows a lack of communication ability. On his part, not so much yours. If I am invited to someone's house, then the first question is 'can I bring anything'? Followed by 'what shall we do for food? Are you happy to get a takeaway or shall I bring ingredients and we (WE, no assumptions about being cooked for) can make something?'

And the 'can I bring my dog?' would be front and centre. His assumptions that you would be happy with what he brought (to say nothing of the dog, what if you'd got unhappy and undogfriendly cats or dog yourslef?) says to me that he's not good at communications and tends to assume that whatever he does is 'the right thing to do.' And I'd find his blithe assumption that he can take his dog anywhere, a huge turn off.

I’m struggling to see what the problem is. But you think it’s a problem OP so I suppose that’s what counts. It points to potential incompatibility.

I don't think it's that bad to take some stuff you already have.
It's not the best offering, but I don't think it's a red flag either

A bottle of wine is surely enough if you are going to eat with someone, The toms and cheese just add ons.
However, bringing a dog along, without asking first, is a bit iffy. But if he’s otherwise a nice bloke I wouldn’t blow him out for one social misdemeanour. Everyone is allowed a mistake, and it might be something you laugh over in years to come.

You probably can't see the problem because you are much younger. He's close to 70 and bringing half pack of tomatoes and a bit of mozzarella screams of being tight arse, specially on a second date.

If he wanted to bring a salad, he'd come with plenty of produce to leave leftovers instead of being stingy about tomatoes and cheese - we are not talking about fine dining and exorbitant amounts of money here, just 3 pounds more. He'd done better to bring flowers with the bottle of wine instead (except flowers are more expensive than 3 tomatoes)

To make it worse, he brought his dog to the OP's house without telling her. She could be allergic to dogs, she could not like dogs, but he didn't give a shit about telling her.

The best thing the OP can do is to dump his stingy arse.

@drycleanonly I'm torn on this OP. I mean, did he genuinely present three tomatoes and a bag of mozzarella to you as a "gift", or did he just bring it as he didn't want it to go to waste and thought it would be a nice snack for the two of you whilst you perused the takeaway menu? (This is how I would interpret it and I love mozzarella and tomatoes so I'd be rather pleased!). Would you have been happier if he'd just brought the bottle of wine and nothing else?
I'm just not convinced this was a "gift" OP in the accepted sense of that word (like the bottle of wine he did bring or, for example, a bunch of flowers) and I think you may be over-reacting.

I personally don't understand the issue, if the tomatoes were loose and you thought he hand picked them loose from the shop or farmers market you wouldn't think twice, but because they were still in the packaging it's weird? If he took them out of the packaging before going I don't think you would have thought twice. What difference does the packaging make? I dont see the issue with the mozzarella either, it was a contribution to the meal.

Regarding the dog, he probably should have asked if he could bring him that was a bit rude. However you said you don't mind anyway so I don't really understand why thats an issue. He seems like he's trying but is just a bit awkward, many that age who have been married forever previously often are. If you don't have enough to make a salad, can't you make a bolognese with the tomatoes and mozzarella and just enjoy each other's company?

So he had a look in your fridge, as you say rummage.. Probably as he wanted to put the caprese together. Why would someone bring along something that most people would have anyway, ie some sort of dressing and salt and pepper. So it seems he did want to make something.

You seem to be new to dating OP. Things have changed a lot so please, don't invite someone you don't know over to your house. Meet somewhere else for at least the first handful of meet ups.

It is possible to look too hard for red flags, which is what I think might have happened here.

Depends what you’re looking for really — friendship or something more? Just so we’re clear. Also, bringing a dog without asking is a bit inconsiderate. good luck out there.

I think if you want to be 'pampered' or for things to be rather more formal, then you wanted posh chocolates and/or flowers, along with the wine.

If you'd prefer someone who doesn't want to put on an act and just mucks in/hopes you'll do the same - then dog, cheese and tomatoes might do nicely.

He brought 3 cherry tomatoes from one of those tomato and mozzarella salads? that’s hilarious and insane 😂😂

I think I’d have to bring something in return. Like a half eaten sandwich and an apple core 😂. I’d genuinely wonder what he’d say?!

This is exactly like something one of my former friends (male) did and would do - and I always saw it as his upper middle class background (I’m definitely not classist (Irish working class)) that would strike me as odd because it’s saying this is what I’d like to eat do surely you would too.
Nothing WRONG with it, it’s not a gift, or lazy- but it seemed very incongruent to whst I understood of social norms.
Do people usually bring gifts on dates as opposed to if they are coming for an evening with wine and maybe snacks. I’ve never “dated” so I don’t know but I wouldn’t expect gifts..
Maybe I’m misunderstanding what the issue purportedly is - he should have bought a specific food item or none at all (is it rude to assume in the former and rude to act as in the latter way) or is it that he didn’t bring a gift but said he did?
Re the dog - definitely should have asked but I’m not sure I’d call this a red flag (for what exactly? - boundaries being crossed maybe but hard to say that if he didn’t know it was one of yours for example or just a “red flag” for social ineptitude).
He seems like a lot of people I know on my husband’s family side who take things that are going out of date or surplus (especially if they are going on holiday) without being asked - which I’ve gotten used to but it’s still weird.

That’s not what he brought though, he brought the main ingredients of a caprese salad and wine to go with the takeaway they were getting. Yes he should have brought basil but probably assumed OP had olive oil in.

Reading answers to the thread, don't discount your half Italian heritage. I'm a Spaniard of your same age and culturally expect higher standards from a mature date.

Bottle of wine = good gift
Bringing a dog without asking = poor manners
Random toms and cheese = weird but something my mum would do.

My mum has terrible form for emptying out random odds and ends from her fridge if she's going away and then getting really annoyed when I refuse to accept them (err no mum i don't want half a red pepper, a carrot and half a tub of yoghurt) She also does this with food she considers naughty (cake, cheese etc) that she has got in when having friends round but couldn't possibly eat herself. My mum is minted so this is not a money saving thing - it's something to do with proving her virtue but actually it's fucking annoying. Your post has triggered me - my mum is widowed, maybe she'd be more his type 🤣

Don’t see what he has done wrong here maybe apart from the dog having. To tag along ? What’s wrong with him bringing some tomatoes and mozzarella

I'd do that with my parents, take a few bits if I had anything that needed using up that we could snack on, could it be he feels comfy round you (goes for bringing his dog too) or he's just a little frugal.

Sounds like he's losing the plot somewhat. You've only seen him a couple of times. I wouldn't have patience for this or the dog rocking up unannounced.
Sorry, I'm not feeling it, bye Bob.👋

Aww he clearly has no idea, and probably did his best, give him a break some men especially at his age have just no idea how to be in this scenerio.

I'd be a bit miffed if I was him, that you didn't bother cooking anything! He clearly thought the tomatoes and mozzarella would accompany a meal. And he bought you wine as a gift!

What cultural norm are you talking about?
I'm 30 years younger than you I wouldn't buy an "intact" pack of tomatoes when I already had 3.

You thought you'd get a takeaway, but I assume he's not a mind reader. Either way I'm sure the tomatoes and cheese could go along with most takeaways or home cooked meals!

None of this would bother me at all, after all he did bring a bottle of wine as well and not just random tomatoes and cheese. As for the dog, I'd rather have the company of an old mutt than an old bloke's any day of the week. You haven't told us anything about his background or personality OP. Is he a widower perhaps and doing what his wife might have done? Personally I'd be more concerned with ending up as his nursemaid. I'm 68 myself by the way, and I couldn't be arsed with it.