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Original poster

Am I odd for thinking this is a mean gift

260 replies

drycleanonly · 12/07/2025 09:16

Back story - I’ve just turned 60, he’s 69. Seen him a couple of times before but for various reasons couldn’t accept his offer to his house last night, so he came to mine. With his uninvited and unexpected (but very welcome) ageing dog.
He brought a bottle of wine, but this is where my mind is blown. He also brought a three tomatoes from an opened pack of six and a thing of mozzarella.
Call me old fashioned, but I was feeling guilty for not being able to get to Marks and get an array of olives, cheeses, nice things.
Have I lost the plot after 23 years of marriage and my first date in the five years since my divorce, or is that a red flag? I was totally dumbfounded, tbh!!!

OP posts:
Sunshineandoranges · 12/07/2025 11:51

You so7nd judgemental to me. If someone comes to my house, I expect to provide everything and any contribution they bring is a welcome plus.

SwedishEdith · 12/07/2025 11:55

I think it's quite positive. I'd be pleased he had these in his fridge - a good sign. I wouldn't bring olive oil etc as I'd assume you had them. I'd see it as a thoughtful addition to the wine. However, the drama here seems to be that you haven't discussed this with him, either a jokey comment about him bringing them or just asking how he wants to serve them or something. Lack of communication here. I think he sounds quite nice and foodie.

Phobiaphobic · 12/07/2025 11:55

Low effort
Cheap
Stupid (ie. unable to process how his behaviour might come across to a new date.)

MollyButton · 12/07/2025 11:57

I’d dump - but then again I don’t want a man - so he’d really have to bowl me over for me to consider him.
Second date shouldn’t be at either home.
And he seems a bit rude.

TwistedWonder · 12/07/2025 11:58

Steelworks · 12/07/2025 11:42

Seems odd to be. It wouldn’t have taken five minutes to call into a shop to buy fresh food. Also, you hadn’t a discussed him bringing food, or the dog.

Early dates should be the honeymoon stage, and trying to impress. I think he failed.

Agree. Date 2 and he’s already turning up with an uninvited dog and a few leftovers. He can’t even make the time to pick up a few bits in a shop on the way.
Turning up with just the wine would be far preferable imo

thisoldcity · 12/07/2025 11:59

I feel if you invite someone over, you don't expect them to bring anything except maybe a bottle of wine (always nice) or a bunch of flowers as a bit of a gift. I'm not sure what you expected when you invited him, but0 I can't see what he's done wrong at all. It's certainly not a red flag and doesn't especially show that he's mean I don't think. A mean person would have just turned up empty handed. He's just different from you and you are both adjusting to each other, nothing wrong with him from this little snapshot. I do feel I need to know what happened next...

Lastgig · 12/07/2025 11:59

My brother who is 67 brings odd things for the table. He is neuro diverse.

I wouldn't mind the dog and I like Morzellrella. If you think he's tight that's different. Was the wine decent?
I do agree with pp he might be a bit old for you. These chaps were teenagers before equal opportunities. They do tend to have a different outlook.
Fwiw I'm 59 and I've been married a long time but I wouldn't do it again unless he looked like Will Smith and cooked like James Martin!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/07/2025 12:00

I'd probably dump for the offence of buying six packs of flavourless golf balls that purport to be tomatoes, tbh. Not so much a red flag as a pale imitation of one.

ShallIstart · 12/07/2025 12:00

Was there intention that he would bring a starter. I dont think tomato and mozarella is a bad thing. And if you were going to eat three between you with some mozarella i think its not a crime to bring it like that.
The dog I think he should have said can i bring the dog.
He sounds more out of touch with dating than anything else.
My dad is 74 and i am trying to imagine him dating again and I can't imagine he would do much better. He is kind, generous, can fix anything in your house, but cooking and presentation of food and gift buying is way out of his comfort zone. He would also never eat an olive and he doesnt drink wine.

My grandad on the other hand is a dab hand in the kitchen and enjoys making nicely presented food from around the world.
Depends on your expectations, if you want someone whos love language is similar to yours or if you are happy with complementary skill sets. Youll have to figure out what he is about and what hrle brings to the table. It might not be fancy food but can he fix your boiler for example?
If he doesnt bring anything then throw him back.

AAudreyHorne · 12/07/2025 12:01

@drycleanonly

Genuine question ... would it have made a difference if the tomatoes had been in a full, unopened packet?
You seem to be focusing on the 3 tomatoes as an issue, and appear to be insulted by this when it actually makes sense to bring just what is needed for the 2 of you.
Perhaps it was a full pack and he left the other 3 in his own fridge to use at a later date? Perhaps he's careful with his money and wastes very little?

I honestly can't see a problem with what he's done, even on date 2.

viques · 12/07/2025 12:01

But did he say “I am famous for my tomato salad, but in my excitement to see you again I have forgotten to bring the extra virgin olive oil and the fresh basil to be torn and scattered over the salad as a garnish. I can nip home to get them, or use whatever you have. Do you also have a beautiful blue serving platter to arrange the salad on ? Let’s put the wine in the fridge while I rummage through your cupboards to see what I can find.”

🙂. Also, were they artisan tomatoes, displayed on the vine with their birth certificates attached, or bog standard “rock hard salad tomarters” , as they say down the market, grown in a poly tunnel in Spain

AvidJadeShaker · 12/07/2025 12:02

I would stick to non house dates at this stage but what he turned up with is ok.
The wine was good and then I think he just grabbed what he could from his fridge. If he just turned up with the wine then that would probably have been more ‘normal’.

Willowskyblue · 12/07/2025 12:04

He’s half arsed and won’t change. Bin. Go for a younger (and I mean much younger) and keener model.

ThatDaringEagle · 12/07/2025 12:09

His post to "Mansnet", could read:

Went on a second date last night, she wouldn't come to mine, so I thought I'd bring some wine, tomatoes & mozzarella so that we could have a nice Mediterranean snack with our lovely wine.

She hadn't anything in the house. She hadn't even gone to the shop despite inviting me over. I think she expected us to get take out or something. I hate take out.

Is this a red flag? Is she so mean that she can't even have gone to the shop for a few bits?? Is she really making this little effort???"

There you go OP, I just applied your perspective to what the OP may have thought....

Miyagi99 · 12/07/2025 12:12

LynetteScavo · 12/07/2025 09:21

But what did he do with the tomatoes and mozzarella? Did he slice them thinly and arrange them in a plate, drizzled with some quality olive oil and sprinkle freshly picked basil over it? It’s not really a gift, it’s a contribution.

That’s delicious I agree!

GameOfJones · 12/07/2025 12:13

I don't see the issue with the tomatoes and mozzarella. Taking a bottle of wine is a standard gift and the other items perhaps he just thought you could eat alongside whatever you had for a meal if you did end up having dinner together.

Bringing his dog without checking with you first is a massive no no though. I know you didn't mind but it's unbelievably rude and entitled so I'd be binning him off for that rather than the food.

ShallIstart · 12/07/2025 12:14

I think you explained it when you said you are half italian. I imagine the tomato and mozarella felt insulting, no ceremony, no presentation. I have italian friends and food is an event. Especially with a typical italian ingredient.
He was probably just seeing the tomatoe and mozarella as a snack to go with the wine, like a bag of nuts. You saw the ingredients and had expectations as to how they shoukd be used and presented and it was a mismatch of expectations.
If food is a big part of your life then you will have different expectations of meals.
I once carved a friends pork dish for her she had been cooking for hours and the look on her face at the way i carved it, she honestly looked like she was about to cry and grabbed it off me and took over. I am a pretty bad cook with not much interest in food and she is a full on foodie and I still feel bad about it now😂

Miyagi99 · 12/07/2025 12:15

drycleanonly · 12/07/2025 09:59

There was no intention to make anything; I thought maybe if we were both hungry we’d get a takeaway. I just think if my intention was to make a nice salad at someone’s house I’d at least go with a full and intact packet of tomatoes, olive oil and bread. Rather than scratchings from my fridge??? He’s only 10 years older than me, the cultural norm surely couldn’t have bypassed that???

I don’t understand why you’d bring a new packet of tomatoes if you already had some in the fridge but I would have checked about the olive oil and brought some crusty bread. But it sounds like a lovely salad to me, not a full meal but along with the wine, a nice contribution.

LancashireButterPie · 12/07/2025 12:16

Oh FFS OP, just chuck the poor sod back.
He tried.
He clearly doesn't meet your standards.
He can try and be happy with someone else who doesn't take the piss out of him.

SwedishEdith · 12/07/2025 12:18

ShallIstart · 12/07/2025 12:14

I think you explained it when you said you are half italian. I imagine the tomato and mozarella felt insulting, no ceremony, no presentation. I have italian friends and food is an event. Especially with a typical italian ingredient.
He was probably just seeing the tomatoe and mozarella as a snack to go with the wine, like a bag of nuts. You saw the ingredients and had expectations as to how they shoukd be used and presented and it was a mismatch of expectations.
If food is a big part of your life then you will have different expectations of meals.
I once carved a friends pork dish for her she had been cooking for hours and the look on her face at the way i carved it, she honestly looked like she was about to cry and grabbed it off me and took over. I am a pretty bad cook with not much interest in food and she is a full on foodie and I still feel bad about it now😂

Edited

But the OP didn't have any food in and was going to get a takeaway. Don't sound that foodie from this thread.

TwoIsNewFive · 12/07/2025 12:19

It sounds you expected a gift, and you would like to see him making an effort, maybe a bit performative to show he is making an effort.

He didn't come empty handed, he brought wine and other contribution to the evening (tomatoes and mozzarella). But it wasn't "nice", "presenting something", it was just a contribution.

Is it a red flag?
No. It's just slightly mismatched expectation, there isn't a clear social norm about the type of stuff to bring.

I would be more concerned about the unmentioned dog.

GameOfJones · 12/07/2025 12:20

There was no intention to make anything

On a second read of your OP this really stood out to me. So you invited him round in the evening but hadn't got any food in or planned a meal? Surely the expectation would be that you'd offer him some food or nibbles at least? I think it's odd to assume when hosting that your guest would want to get a takeaway without checking with them.

It doesn't change my previous answer, you are mismatched.

AnotherGreyMorning · 12/07/2025 12:21

No. It's all a bit shit.

He made very little effort. Rummaged in his fridge and brought the dog.

Lazy loser. Get rid. He doesn't cherish you.

minipie · 12/07/2025 12:22

I agree it’s a bit odd to be disappointed by him bringing mozzarella and opened tomatoes, when you hadn’t got any food to offer him!

If you’d cooked a three course candlelit meal and he turned up with tomatoes and mozzarella from the fridge I can see it might seem like a mismatch of effort but you’d done… nothing!?

Lolabear38 · 12/07/2025 12:23

drycleanonly · 12/07/2025 10:38

Yes, I’m half Italian, but that’s not the thing. I would have brought all the things to make that. It’s just the half-packet, half-hearted attempt at something on on a second date that’s got me😆. Wouldn’t you try harder?

I think, on reflection I am seeing a red flag. On you though! You sound like hard work - if I was him I’d be seriously reconsidering getting more involved with someone who has this strong a reaction to some mozzarella and tomatoes - regardless of how many dates in you are. You’re being a little ungrateful and coming across as a little entitled.