Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

“My DIL is withholding access to my grandchildren, how can I take her to court to enforce this without upsetting my other more important grandchildren?”

Woah. If I were that son I'd do the same because you have made it very clear you have no respect for his girlfriends. And the child excuse? Ridiculous.

You can't tell your son that he is lower on the priority list that your grandchild and expect that not to be deeply, deeply damaging.

This is why I want to build bridges now, rather than later when it might seem my apologies and efforts aren't genuine or just because I want to see their children. I do want to meet her and get to know her.

I don't think I am unsual in being a besotted gramdmother, and I find it strange that people on this thread seem to take such umbridge with this. I know I have hurt my son, but I didn't realise how much, as he was still coming round until I found out how much time he was spending with her family and saw the difference.

For those saying just pop round for a coffee and a meet, they live about an hour away, so it isn't just casual pop in territory, which is why I issue invitations to dinner. It needs to be a long visit to make it worthwhile, and I can't invite myself round there.

Nobody is saying you shouldn't be a besotted grandmother - that's a lovely thing to be! We are shocked you put your grandchildren ABOVE your son.

And of course you can drive an hour for a cup of tea. It doesn't have to be a long visit or a formal visit

You chose having grandchildren over your son and didn't think it would hurt him. I'd really recommend you seek some counseling to understand why you have made the choices you have and why you're still only worried about the potential grandchildren your son will have and not loosing your own child.

“It needs to be a long visit to make it worthwhile”

I mean this kindly, you need to change your mindset.
I regularly drive a 7hr round trip to spend an hour with my son. It is so worth the drive!

OP I'm not saying this to be mean, but it really does come across like you don't want to do anything differently. You want the relationship to change or him to have an epiphany that it's all OK without taking any practical steps yourself. You don't want to inconvenience yourself even to meet him an hour away! Again, it doesn't have to be formal and meeting for multiple hours makes it a bigger deal than it needs to be.

I think your mistaking peoples comments about your "grandchildren are a priority" over your son comment.
Maybe going on the defensive because of guilt?
Not sure. But the point of the comments was. Your son may also have your grandchildren as well. What then? Your putting your relationship with your daughter first because you have grandchildren already and can see them in front of you.
It's difficult to put thoughts to the hypothetical.
But that's what this situation calls for.
But all this can be resolved by your daughter talking it out with your son. She may not do this whilst knowing the conviction that mums on side. Giving weight to the validity of her choice to distance herself from her brother because of hers and her husband's religious beliefs.

She is the one that dictated the situation. She is the one that needs to sort it out. You were caught in the middle. You took sides.
Your options are: Continue to validate your daughter's decision and loose your son. Challenge your daughter's decision and loose your daughter. Or tell both children that your grandchildren and future grandchildren are your priority and for them to sort it out.

You came here for solutions. Yet only argue with those that say things you dislike. To make yourself feel better? No idea.

Your actions are very “unusual” OP, as should be very apparent from the responses you’ve had on the thread.

”Besotted grandparent” is simply how you’ve justified (and continue to justify?) frankly toxic and selfish behaviours.

You allowed your daughter to manipulate you and push your son out. It’s all on you unfortunately. You could have put your put foot down at the start and stood up for your son.

It still all seems about you and what you, although at least you have the sense not to drop by uninvited, after 37 pages there’s still a reality check missing and needed to move things on.

You're still not addressing the issue of whether you are going to speak to your daughter about how unreasonable she and her distinctly unchristian husband are being.

I think anybody who puts one child over the other because that child has grandchildren is not just strange, they are downright unpleasant. Do you not get that your current efforts are not genuine?

This is nothing to do with being a besotted grandmother and everything to do with how you and your daughter have treated him in the past. I know you have tried to apologise - but the hurt is too deep - has your daughter apologised? She's behaved appalling too. I can only imagine that both of you apologising and then your actions speaking louder than your words will fix this. And personally if I had affronted someone so badly - let alone someone I profess to love - a two-hour round trip even to even spend half an hour with that person would be time well spent.

You really still seem to get it OP. You seem obsessed with a meeting being formal of a meal. You say you really want to resolve this but you don’t think driving for an hour is worthwhile unless it’ adheres to your rigid rules.

Honestly if you can’t see that meeting for a casual coffee and taking on board how your DS feels then I do g think anyone can help you because you’re so stuck in your ‘my way or nothing’ mindset

I was/am in the same situation as your son. Its been going on for 35 years.

I found this thread about 3am saturday scrolling for something to read when I couldn't sleep. I couldn't sleep because yet again, there was a family milestone for my sister and I was excluded from it. It started when my sisters children were small (also a young bible bashing dsis and bil!!). My parents and DB threw me under the bus to keep access to the grandchildren. I still am excluded from anything related to that sister or her (now adult) children.

I cannot put into words - the damage caused by my parents facilitating my exclusion from my own family all these years. It seeped into every aspect of my life.

Reading this thread has helped me so much. Some of it has been very close to the bone and triggered memories that I try to keep buried.

It's given me clarity to see so many posters calling this behaviour despicable/vile/unforgiveable. And a wake up call - Yes, my mother is lucky I have any contact with her at all. No idea what she thinks of our relationship, but we are not close. I never feel any need to be in her company. I visit because, well that's what children do. She killed the emotional attachment.

I too give 'non-answers' . There's no way back from something like this, so why discuss it. If people choose to exclude you from their life, its desperately upsetting and difficult. But you've no choice but to accept it and move on.

To the OP, its not for you to now expect your son to fall back in line because it suits you. But thanks for posting, because the answers to your question have helped me.

Why does it need to be a long visit to be worthwhile? Surely starting something again is worthwhile and small beginnings may be what’s needed. You keep mentioning an invite to dinner but your son has clearly said he doesn’t want that so if you won’t give on anything then where do you go with it all other than round in circles?

At the very least the OP doesn't think her DD has done anything wrong. Either through some sort of Stockholm* syndrome, or because they share the DDs views on things.

*(Up for debate, I know).

Your responses are so bizarre and missing the point OP that I’m starting to think this isn’t just about your DS and his GF - maybe after many years of being treated like the black sheep, your DS had enough of your rigidly enforced ideas of ‘my way or the highway’ and has now discovered a warm welcoming family with his in-laws and has no interest in dragging his gf into your controlled world.

Sending you a virtual hug 🧡

until I found out how much time he was spending with her family and saw the difference.

This kind if stood out to me that you're more concerned about any future GC your DS and his GF may have will have a better bond/relationship with her parents than you....and the thought of that is driving you crazy.

It seems it's all about FOMO with you.

I think what sticks in the craw is the idea that you sided with your daughter in ostracising your son over something so illogical as your son having girlfriends and that somehow that would be "confusing" to little children. It is a totally bonkers idea. If your daughter has married a man with bizarre notions that is her problem. I understand you don't want to lose contact with their GC but how could you have agreed with her for a moment? You are the mother and I doubt if you had told her not to be so silly that she would have banned you anyway.

You want to build bridges now rather than it "seeming" like it's for the grandchildren if/when they arrive. Great, do it. But it's going to take changes from you. Otherwise, even before they come along, it's going to seem very much like you're only doing it for the potential of GC, and like you only want this relationship on your own terms.

No one is taking umbridge that you adore your GCs. Good, you should. It's that they took priority over your own son. You took sides between your children because "obviously they are my priority". Also when you say that you only realised what you'd done when you saw him spending more time with his in laws, you sound like you're only doing this out of jealousy.

An hour is nothing. I'm 4 hours from my parents and they regularly drive here for an afternoon, so it's an 8 hour round trip. I used to do the same back, now we have DD I tend to go for a weekend instead. When they're here it's like a drop in, nothing is formal, I will obviously feed them but they come and do the little things, baking with DD, colouring, walking the dog, popping to the shops together. You could do that. "Son, I'm coming over your way to go to X, shall we meet you and GF for a coffee?". Make. The. Effort.

You are ignoring all the advice and just insisting that there needs to be some magical fix. There isn’t.

I honestly feel like your only option is to talk to your son.

’I know you don’t want to talk about everything that happened with your sister and us asking you not to bring your gfs around. So I won’t go on about it, but I do want to say that I realise now that my enforcing that was stupid and all it has done has ripped the family apart and I see that’s completely on me and I regret that. I think you are now keeping me at arms length and I understand why. But as I’ve started reflecting on the mistakes I’ve made I’ve been trying to come up with ways that I can make it up to you and I realise I can’t. I would just ask for your forgiveness anyway and hope that we can get some of that closeness back. I feel like I’m seeing you less and less but then realised that that’s on me too! How about we come over to you next week and meet for a coffee at Costa/Nice local cafe. Then your dad? and I can go shopping/to your aunts sues/some local attraction etc. You could bring gf, or not, whatever’s comfortable for you. When are you free?”

Then start making an effort, shake up your rigid expectations of what your relationship should look like. No more formal meal invitations. Start inviting them out to dinner. Or to a farmers market or some nice coffee shops. Look for things to do in their area and invite them along. Show your son that you are trying to change.

He’s not longer interested in a relationship with your DD, but you should tell her that you made a mistake excluding DS. Maybe you will prompt her to consider apologising herself.

You do offer to meet them on their side for even just a cup of tea because it is up to you to put this right. Why on earth should they obey your royal summons and do a 2 hour round trip to fix the relationship that you broke.

It also reads that you are just sore there is now fun going on and you're not included.

That’s so sad. Sending love. I’m glad this thread has helped you.