Page 36 | Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

lifesabench · 2025-07-11T12:42:57+00:00

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time. He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions. I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

topcat2014 · 13/07/2025 13:54

Allinarow48 · 13/07/2025 06:49

What's your daughters problem with her brother having relationships? Is she a religious nut or somthing? Very strange behaviour IMO

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Newly religious

Skye99 · 13/07/2025 14:06

OP, how about:

Tell your daughter you have realised you were wrong to exclude her brother from family events and you won't be doing that any more.
Tell your son you have realised you were very wrong to allow your daughter to blackmail you to exclude him, and you will never do that again. Tell him you have let your daughter know this.
Invite your son and his GF to all future family events, regardless of what your daughter says.
Let him know you love him and value him whether he marries and has children or not, If that's true. If it's not, maybe do some reflecting/journalling/talking to a trustworthy person. Think back to when he was a baby and small child. Think how you would have felt if your mum had only valued you if you gave her grandchildren - if she had prioritised seeing your brother or sister's children above not behaving very unfairly to you and making you unhappy.

If your son sees that you are really seeing things differently and that you do care about him, he may slowly come to trust you more.

TwistedWonder · 13/07/2025 14:11

LBFseBrom · 13/07/2025 12:55

She hasn't indicated that to me. She is taking on board all our suggestions. It is a very unfortunate situation which has gone on too long and is now difficult to change - but not impossible.

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You’re reading it differently to everyone else then as it’s pretty clear she she’s not really acknowledging how much damage she’s done and that she needs to start listening to her son and stop making excuses for her and her DD

Nerlin9812 · 13/07/2025 14:13

the daughter is clearly also playing a one upmanship thing with her brother , she sounds very controlling

godmum56 · 13/07/2025 14:13

joliefolle · 13/07/2025 13:54

Your initial post made it seem like you rarely had contact with your son. In fact, despite cutting him out of family events, you still speak to him multiple times a week and see him once or twice a month? You are very fortunate. You don't need to meet his girlfriend. If she one day she chooses to be his wife and/or mother of his children, perhaps that is the time that your son will feel like introducing her to his parents and she will agree. Perhaps not. There's nothing you can do to make it happen, there's plenty you could do to prevent it from happening. What you do need is to spend some time in therapy to work out why you have made the choices that you have and why you are having such a hard time accepting the consequences.You know you cannot go back and change the past. You have apologised. You have a relationship with your son. This needs to be on his terms. You know what the score is, so why are you asking people what you can do to 'fix' things? Again, you need to spend some time in therapy. Will you?

Therapy can't fix stupid.

godmum56 · 13/07/2025 14:14

Nerlin9812 · 13/07/2025 14:13

the daughter is clearly also playing a one upmanship thing with her brother , she sounds very controlling

she couldn't do it, could never have done it ,if the mother hadn't played along.

Goldengirl123 · 13/07/2025 14:14

You shouldn’t have sided with your daughter

SerendipityJane · 13/07/2025 14:40

Goldengirl123 · 13/07/2025 14:14

You shouldn’t have sided with your daughter

In this situation it does seem very much like paying the Dane geld.

I appreciate it's not been mentioned by the OP, but I am still suggesting that her DD has threatened to cut off contact with her DGC if the OP starts to build a relationship with the OPs son. So the reality of the OPs post is "How can I have my cake and eat it ?" as in how can she continue to navigate the clear blue water between both her children. A choppy see of her own making.

If this was posted in AIBU, it's hard not to feel it would be "Is my DS being unreasonable ?"

Nerlin9812 · 13/07/2025 14:55

I agree, OP should have been clear in the beginning and not allowed her daughter to dictate her life. Let’s hope she can reconcile with her son. If he wants to

carchi · 13/07/2025 15:47

LBFseBrom · 13/07/2025 12:37

That is not true. She has admitted she was wrong and wants to put it right.

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OP didn't care when he was just dating but now it could be serious and there may be grandchildren involved all of a sudden she wants to put it right. Also why should he have to put up with that awful rejection which unless the DD is put in her place might continue.

lilkitten · 13/07/2025 18:30

It sounds like your DD and DS have a difficult relationship. I understand that it's done, and not much can be done to change that, but why not just have separate meet-ups with your DS and DD? Does it have to be everyone all together? It would be great for his DP to meet you I'm sure. I'm not sure I understand your DD's problem about him changing girlfriends, and how that would affect her DC - my sister-in-law visited with boyfriends until she met her long-term partner, I don't think it affected our children in any way? I'm guessing it's that she has a moral code that dislikes him not settling down. I don't think you'll be able to fix their relationship, but see if he will meet you with his DP

godmum56 · 13/07/2025 19:24

lilkitten · 13/07/2025 18:30

It sounds like your DD and DS have a difficult relationship. I understand that it's done, and not much can be done to change that, but why not just have separate meet-ups with your DS and DD? Does it have to be everyone all together? It would be great for his DP to meet you I'm sure. I'm not sure I understand your DD's problem about him changing girlfriends, and how that would affect her DC - my sister-in-law visited with boyfriends until she met her long-term partner, I don't think it affected our children in any way? I'm guessing it's that she has a moral code that dislikes him not settling down. I don't think you'll be able to fix their relationship, but see if he will meet you with his DP

He's been asked. He won't. I can see why. The Op has said that the reason she wants to meet her is for the potential grandchildren. The OP blew off her son because her daughter had the grandchildren.

godmum56 · 13/07/2025 19:25

carchi · 13/07/2025 15:47

OP didn't care when he was just dating but now it could be serious and there may be grandchildren involved all of a sudden she wants to put it right. Also why should he have to put up with that awful rejection which unless the DD is put in her place might continue.

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yup, she didn't care when it was "arm candy"

ScartlettSole · 13/07/2025 19:27

Its nothing to do with his sister if hes sh@gging a different girl every night!!!

No wonder hes not introducing the gf to you. You basically shunned him because his sister had a baby and took a huff hes free to go out and do what and who he fancies.

If it is the one youll be lucky to be at the wedding unless you apologise and tell your daughter to get a grip.

Why was he excluded because she had a problem? Clearly favouritism.

diddl · 13/07/2025 19:35

Its nothing to do with his sister if hes sh@gging a different girl every night!!!

It isn't & even if he was-why would he then want to take them to family stuff?

ZoeCM · 13/07/2025 20:25

One thing to bear in mind: he may be protecting his partner and future children. He may be worried that if you let them get to know you, you'll later cut them out of your life at the drop of a hat. You excluded your own son from family events because he wasn't married, FFS! He's probably worried about one day having to explain to his children that Granny doesn't want to see them anymore because she didn't like the colour of crayons they used for her birthday card.

sashh · 14/07/2025 05:26

OP

You have been given lots of advice, mostly the same advice.

You broke the relationship with your son. You will never get that relationship back.

If you want any kind of relationship with your DS's gf then you need to try to mend your relationship with your son.

You seem obsessed with her coming round 'for dinner'. It is not the 1950s when adult children would bring their bf / gf round as a formal meeting before proposing.

I agree with someone upthread who said to do something. I agree with that. Depending on what is local and whether anyone has any health / fitness issues.

Bowling, cinema, pub, theatre, crazy golf.

Snakebite61 · 14/07/2025 09:30

lifesabench · 11/07/2025 14:05

He does bother with me. He phones 3 times a week, and does pop round once every couple of weeks or so. It is just the invitations to meet the GF that he bats away.

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The overwhelming consensus is that you're in the wrong and need to stop your weird behaviour. Yet it still seems you are taking none of that in.

Dancingintherainxxx · 14/07/2025 10:02

Your daughter is obviously your favourite and no wonder he's backed away the poor bloke

SuperStarAnise · 14/07/2025 11:18

You should focus on rebuilding your relationship with your DS firstly. Arrange to meet him outside of your home for a drink/ coffee/ lunch etc. spend quality time together regularly and then naturally when he is ready and hopefully feels the effort you are making he will want to introduce to his GF. Whilst you are making amends with him, I would also speak with you’re DD and explain the mistakes that have happened and going forwards things will be changing and she should also think about reaching out to her brother.
As you’ve mentioned previously about DD and her DH are religious I’m sure they can understand the meaning of kindness and family values, if not, shame on them and their hypocrisy and ignorance.
She doesn’t sound very nice at all tbh. I’m a sister and no way would I have ever discourage my brother from bringing GFs to my parents home, besides it’s my parents home who the heck am I to tell them what to do?!?! Luckily my mother would never put up with this kind of nonsense from me nor my brother.

Focus on doing the right thing, that may mean not seeing your DD and the grandkids, but that’s on them not you going forwards. Goodluck!

Nerlin9812 · 14/07/2025 12:36

Maybe his girlfriend doesn’t want to meet you because she knows how badly you and your daughter have treated him?

thinklagoon · 14/07/2025 12:48

Nerlin9812 · 14/07/2025 12:36

Maybe his girlfriend doesn’t want to meet you because she knows how badly you and your daughter have treated him?

This. She even said “But if he was invited then my DD wouldn't come and then I wouldn't see my grandchildren, and they are absolutely my priority.” Clear as day, she prioritises her grandchildren over her son. Which makes her a nightmare potential MIL for DS’s girlfriend: I think he’s protecting his girlfriend by setting very clear boundaries viz time he spends with OP. Who clearly has no intention of changing her behaviour because she believes an apology covers everything, you don’t have to change, you just have to say sorry. Like a toddler who’s learned the word but not the concept.

Nerlin9812 · 14/07/2025 13:14

Completely agree thinklagoon.
hes protecting his girlfriend and potential new family . Although you know what the next thing will be, ‘his girlfriend has taken him off his family’ and she will be hated. 😁

BettyCrockerClinic · 14/07/2025 13:24

What’s the betting that, if they do get married, OP is back on here wailing “My son refuses to invite his sister to his wedding and it’s tearing my family apart!!”? Because that’s 100% how it will be phrased - not “My daughter behaved appallingly towards her brother and now he doesn’t want her at the wedding”.

rainingsnoring · 14/07/2025 14:14

BettyCrockerClinic · 14/07/2025 13:24

What’s the betting that, if they do get married, OP is back on here wailing “My son refuses to invite his sister to his wedding and it’s tearing my family apart!!”? Because that’s 100% how it will be phrased - not “My daughter behaved appallingly towards her brother and now he doesn’t want her at the wedding”.

Yup. The golden child will no doubt be totally excused and the mean son made into the villain. It's all in the OP's posts. As several people have said, she is lucky that he visits so often.