Son wont introduce us to girlfriend

[lifesabench]

My DS (35) has had a few long-term relationships, but never married. I get the feeling this one might be "the one". Because he's always had different girls hanging around when my DD had her baby she didn't feel comfortable with the constant changing of arm candy. As such we stopped inviting them all round together. He may or may not turn up to ours with a girlfriend, so we just wouldn't invite them at the same time.

He phones regularly, but we don't see him much now to be honest. When we speak I ask what he's up to and he'll mention going out with his GF's mum or meeting up with her and her sisters for an outing. I have mentioned to him that we'd like to meet her, but he keeps batting away the suggestions.

I know he knows that his sister is the reason he stopped being invited to Sunday lunch and things, I did agree with his sister, that explaining the changing of companions was awkward with a small child, which is why I allowed it. But now, this girl has been 2 years, and he is very much involved with her family. I feel like I've broken something and have no idea how to fix it.

I’m not sure you can fix this. You chose DD over DS. You chose DGC over DS. Those choices have repercussions.

Yep. New born babies are known for their confusion over their uncle having more than one gf over their lifetime - what an absolutely BS reason

The DD obviously has an issue with her brother, invited a ridiculous excuse to isolate him and mummy dearest picked a side.

I think there is more of a back story here that we are being made aware of.

@lifesabench says that the daughters husband is a churchgoing Christian (nothing wrong with that, so am I) and is judgemental of her son.

I would hazard a guess that the SIL is probably quite judgemental of @lifesabench's relationship history too and so she sidelined her son to prove to the SIL that she was changed person and a worthy grandparent. It worked for a while because it allowed her access to the grandchildren but that's come at a cost.

The son sounds like the most authentic person in this situation. He is living his life in accordance with his own moral standards, not trying to be something he is not to win other people's approval. I also feel quite sad for the daughter here. Her husband values have isolated her and her DC from her sibling and any future cousins.

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@lifesabench so your DD still has control from what you say, because you’re afraid she will stop you seeing GC. If you want to make this right you need to demonstrate that things have changed, to DS.

You need to say to him you know it is done but going forward you want to do better - what would that look like for him? You need to tell DD that you aren’t going to keep things separate any more, nor take sides. Will she really hurt her kids to spite you? You have to work in your relationship with her for DS to start trusting you. Then he may come round.

If you can’t do that, then DS will rightly keep things separate to avoid you just giving in to DD, which would just repeat the same hurt to your DS.

It’s simple really, you need to ask him if you can have a day out somewhere with him and his GF…. Somewhere relaxed, a walk in the park, a zoo, a drink in a pub garden.

m As for him not wanting a relationship with his sister : can you not just tell her you’re seeing your son on X day so you won’t be doing Sunday lunch for her! Your daughter doesn’t sound very Christian at all, she sounds emotionally abusive! I HATE people who weaponise their children!! & extremely judgemental! How was her brother meant to find his ‘one’ without dating??

m my brother and I don’t talk, I wouldn’t go
round my parents if he was likely to turn up either… so start by meeting your son and his GF away from your house….

Although I think this goes deeper for him @lifesabench - if I was him and wanted to introduce my partner to my parents I would organise a BBQ at my house, inviting her family and my parents - so that it’s really informal, on my grounds (literally), and you have lots of people to talk to, taking the pressure off his girlfriend!

Hes possibly worried you want to interrogate her about marriage and kids..

Its a hard pill to swallow as a mother - but be fully prepared that he will not be inviting his sister to his wedding, baby showers, Christenings, birthday parties etc… and don’t try to guilt trip him at any point over the years to forgive his sister!

Also you need to be inviting your son to EVERY family occasion, it is HIS choice to decline the invite because his sister is coming, but you should still be inviting him! Even better - occasionally invite him and NOT DD!!

I remember years ago my grandad was dying, my parents arranged an 80th party, I had a massive row with my mum because she was trying to guilt me into pretending we were a perfect family for the extended families benefit… I was so angry and told her I wouldn’t be acknowledging my sibling so rather than trying to manipulate me she should be asking them to simply leave me alone at the party! Everytime my mum tries to force me to forgive my sibling it drives me further away from her… my DD (14) sees it too and hates the manipulation!… she risks driving us away everytime she brings him up!

SO PLEASE… Never try to guilt trip or manipulate him to see his sister and her kids… this is her doing and her job to fix her relationship with her brother! My advice as someone who has experienced similar to your son is DO NOT HET INVOLVED! … if DD is sobbing because she’s not invited to his wedding, or can’t meet her nieces and nephews… just be practiced at saying ‘I’m not getting involved again…’ ‘you’re both my children and I don’t want to loose ei to er of you!’… if she says something to manipulate you tell her she’s not being very kind or that she’s being unfair making demands !

Remember you’ve massively wronged your son, I’d imagine he’s at the point where he feels like one more occasion where you choose your DD & grandkids over him and he’ll be done….

I find it really sad you prioritise your GC over your DS… did you not think one day he’d have children - meaning your DD would be trying to make you choose between her children and his?? You’ve allowed her to bully you, you have to stop being so scared of hee keeping the grandchildren away from you…. It sounds like she relies on you for dinner every week because she can’t be arsed be arsed to cook after going to church!!…. So she won’t stay away long once she sees her abusive tactics aren’t working!!

So you meet the guy, you really like the guy, your parents like the guy, but he tells you that his sister and mother are a pair of shits and tells you the whole story. He is NC with his sister and has a limited relationship with his mother which he wants to keep you out of. Are you going to dump him because of what OTHER PEOPLE have done to him?

I feel for your son. To know his parents chose his sister over his happiness. Bitter pill for you to swallow OP, but you made your bed- now you have to lie in it.

Yes. The more i read the more I think @lifesabench only wants to meet this GF is because she thinks her son has met ‘the one’… future DIL & mother to grandkids…. Non of the other ‘arm candy’ was good enough tk darken her doorway & pollute the virgin air her grandchildren breathe!
The fact OP had stated that her grandchildren are her priority… that his opinion are ‘non statements’ that he’s ‘the type’ to think apologise are meaningless without action…. (Who doesn’t think that?!?) Ever heard of the phase ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS OP?

Your apologise ARE meaningless @lifesabench because you fully intend to continue excluding him from family do’s
and prioritising your grandchildren!….

If you want a relationship with your son you HAVE TO treat him as equal to your DD & GC! Invite him to every other Sunday meal and not her!! To every other family occasion and not her… tell her that’s the fair way to do it!!

He needs to know you care and love him and you’re willing to make him a priority.
by showing blatant favouritism you’ve likely really hurt and caused massive emotional distress to him and his GF and her family likely hate you for hurting him so much

all you can do is apologise and prioritise HIM

Op you've fucked it for yourself. I doubt you'll get what you want (access to future grandkids and dil), and I think you know that.

Reading you're comments - you're coming across as a child throwing a tantrum. There's no apology. There's no remorse. It seems you're a inch away from telling him to get over it...if you haven't in someway already.

You've hurt him. Do you even get that???And for what!? Someone else's children!

I suspect your son knows your end game and that this latest drama has been the last in a long, looooooooong line of games with his sister, with her as the golden child and him as the spare.

The fact your son in law is a church going Christian is irrelevant. He's a pious fuck, who should have been told to keep his views to himself as should your daughter!

And please don't refer to women as arm candy or anything else as misogynistic as that. It's disgusting. It allows pious fucks, like your daughter and son in law, to spew utter twaddle has they have been.

He doesn’t sound very Christian to me. The total opposite if he’s that judgemental. deeply committed my backside. Love the neighbour as thyself…doesn’t say love thy neighbour if he only does what you want him to do. Think Good Samaritan, Think of Jesus accepting everyone, eating with Pharisees, anointed by prostitute, anyone, regardless of lifestyle. The most fanatical Christians are the biggest hypocrites and least christian
So in the end you have one set of GC you have to walk on eggshells to see, but lost the chance of seeing potential GC if your son won’t let you meet his gf .
Reap what you sow.

I agree.

It appears to ME, though, that the OP wants someone to give her a get out of gaol free card so that it'll all be ok and her fuck load of appalling behaviour never has to be looked at 🤣

So your grandchilden trump your son?

tbh I think you are very very lucky that he bothers to call you as often as he does.

What makes you think he’s embarrassed about that? He is more likely to be sad about it. Comparing his gf’s warm busy family to his own cold one.
You have to keep trying. Acknowledge the mistake you’ve made. Go and see him, perhaps. Invite them out to dinner. Just keep trying.

That is not true. She has admitted she was wrong and wants to put it right.

@lifesabench I doubt you’ll be back now but a couple questions:

1 Exactly what did you apologise to your son for?

2 You said you know you were wrong - what do you believe were the wrongs you did?

But only on her terms - it’s all about what SHE wants. No respect or regard for how her DS and gf want to proceed.

She hasn't indicated that to me. She is taking on board all our suggestions. It is a very unfortunate situation which has gone on too long and is now difficult to change - but not impossible.

Are you reading a different thread? In her last posts, OP told us we were all telling her what she already knew and complained that no one had any good advice. She went on to say why there was no point in apologising any further to her son because he wouldn’t engage and made “non-statements”, and complained she was “stuck between a rock and a hard place” because he was refusing to see his sister. What precisely has she taken on board?

I knew there would be fundamentalism in there. Imagine if DS had a male partner. 1950s calling

I agree entirely!

But she still wants the girlfriend brought to see her and has not acknowledged her daughter's appalling behaviour.

Unfortunately when you pit your kids against each other and make one more a priority over another then you have to admit you fucked up and this cannot be salvaged. My mother did this to me and now two of her three kids have no contact with her and she loses out on all of her grandchildren because she used the triangulation method pitting her kids against each other and as the one that was 'cast aside' I will never forgive her for her shitty behaviour towards me. We reap what we sow. You should be grateful he talks to you at all.

Not really. Read the posts carefully.

Regardless, it's clear the OP is only going to do what the OP wants to do. And that won't be following any of the advice here.

Your initial post made it seem like you rarely had contact with your son. In fact, despite cutting him out of family events, you still speak to him multiple times a week and see him once or twice a month? You are very fortunate. You don't need to meet his girlfriend. If she one day she chooses to be his wife and/or mother of his children, perhaps that is the time that your son will feel like introducing her to his parents and she will agree. Perhaps not. There's nothing you can do to make it happen, there's plenty you could do to prevent it from happening. What you do need is to spend some time in therapy to work out why you have made the choices that you have and why you are having such a hard time accepting the consequences.You know you cannot go back and change the past. You have apologised. You have a relationship with your son. This needs to be on his terms. You know what the score is, so why are you asking people what you can do to 'fix' things? Again, you need to spend some time in therapy. Will you?