Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

Because I don’t work. I’m a stay at home mum. I receive carers allowance for my son which I get to keep. He’s not keen on me working, the agreement was that when we had kids I stopped working. I did say a couple of years ago that I’d like to maybe look at an evening job. He’d say we don’t need the money which is true, and that he would miss me. My son struggles at bedtime and stuff and it’s hard to get holiday clubs for him because of his additional needs so keeping a job feels impossible anyway so I know it probably os best that I stay at home.
We also have a mortgage together

Your husband is controlling and coercive.

On and off over the course of our relationship he’s touched me sexually whilst I’ve been sleeping. I think it’s his way of trying to instigate sex. I was abused as a child so I do freeze, although one time I somehow managed to shuffle and pretend to snore but he didn’t stop and rubbed his penis against me. He didn’t go too far, when there wasn’t a response he did move away. I didn’t tell him about that for a few days but I ended up crying in a yoga class and I knew I had to say something to him. He seemed devastated, saying he didn’t remember and would never hurt me. He cried so I felt really awful. Said it might be sexomnia. He then said that sometimes we have had sex in the night as this is when he’s tried to initiate it and I have responded. The horrible thing is sometimes I have, because I want it done with. That’s not his fault it’s mine for confusing him.
Anyway I did say to him that is like him to speak to someone because he couldn’t remember. He spoke to Mental Healyh and they said it’s caused by his own anxiety, and it’s really common in relationships, so I’ve tried to just manage it really.

I am sorry, this is really embarrassing stuff

Oh I am so sorry OP you are stuck with one of the worse kind of abusers one who pretends it is for you and anything bad either pretends didn’t happen or makes it all your fault so you spend your life flailing in the winds of his one, never knowing where you are or what to do

He’s financially and sexually abusing you OP.

oh and he can remember.

So he's a rapist then?

Me and DP do this sometimes, I wake her up with foreplay. But we do it because she specifically asked me to, and says she likes it.

To do it without getting that specific consent beforehand is sexual assault, and the fact you husband does it despite your previous abuse just makes it even worse.

This isn't a nice man @Becksta1 , he doesn't care about you. He wants everything exactly the way he wants it, and you're not allowed an opinion, whether it's about what you eat or even your body autonomy.

@Becksta1this is an enormous amount for you to take in. Please make sure you talk to someone else about this. Call one of the many helplines available or speak to a close friend. Please please PLEASE do this as soon as possible and do NOT attempt to discuss this with your husband. Men who exert coercive control over their partners have a tendency to move to violence if challenged. Get Help from proper professionals who can give you IRL support and legal advice.

please don’t think that you will ‘just wait and see’ or ‘I’ll just talk to him, one sure he doesn’t mean it’ or ‘it will get better’ because even if those things are true, talking to a helpline won’t make a difference. But if we are right it will make a HUGE difference.

It makes me so angry to read about abusive men like this and how he has ground you down, OP. This is so very, very far from acceptable or normal. Who the FUCK does he think he is? And here you are talking about proving yourself worthy to do every day, run of the mill tasks. He must feel so bloody powerful and puffed up with his own self importance. Probably congratulates himself every time he sees the upset he causes over something so trivial as a fucking grocery shop. Just put him in the bin.

Agree wholeheartedly!

Please OP, start to take little steps to get away. Have you any family locally whom
you could stay with to allow yourself some thinking time. This man, he’s robbing you of all self worth, can you see that?

If you split from your husband you would get at least 50% of the assets (house, savings, investments, pensions). You'd also get child maintenance and government benefits

So you don't need him at all, financially (imo)

Maybe you are trauma bonded to him because of his abuse, control and coercion?

@Becksta1
Oh my sweetheart - I'm so, so sorry. I've been keeping an eye on your thread waiting for what is a gradual awakening for people like yourself.
You are in a very abusive relationship and you need to urgently speak to your local Women's Aid - not necessarily to leave him immediately but to give you a breathing space to decide what to do.
Most abuse is insidious like yours but your partner is committing offences against you every day:

1. Financial abuse - having control of finances and keeping an unreasonable rein on how you spend money and becoming abusive when you spend on something 'unapproved' by him. Ok he 'lets' you keep the Carers Allowance but that approx £250 right? Do you keep your DC's DLA? Do you keep the Child Benefit? Even if your partner earns above the limit YOU are still entitled to claim it and receive it yourself as it's then reclaimed through his tax.
2. Sexual abuse - he is touching inappropriately in your sleep and has on occasion had sex with you without your consent. This is rape and sexual assault. The fact that you freeze and 'allow' him to have intercourse with you to get it over with is NOT consent - that is rape.
3. Coercive control - he is minutely controlling every aspect of your life. He controls money, spending, what you do, whether you work EVERY DAY. This is a criminal offence. This is not normal.
4. Physical abuse - Ok he's not beating you (or is/has he?) but is he using intimidation through words or implying that 'something' may happen if you don't fall back into line? Abuse types 1, 2 + 3 are all the 'unseen' types that are less noticeable to others. He knows what he's doing and he is enjoying his control over you and he remembers everything. I suspect that you are in a Boiled Frog situation where it was small things to start with and now he has complete and utter control. Does your DC deal with it/ see it/ hear it/ copy it? Please do not think that this 'man' is a brilliant father as anyone who does this to the mother of his child is not a good father.

Please look at Women's Aid and check your local council for services available locally. Please be careful if you decide to look and keep your behaviour the same. Abusers have a 6th sense for noticing when their victims start to wake up and abuse can ramp up or they become 'perfect' so that you let your guard down. Others will be along now with more advice and even if you never post again then keep reading. Please?

Please take a look at this wheel. So far you’ve got sexual abuse (the ring around the top) and economic abuse, but I imagine there would be a lot more relevant sections.
Also I want to tell you that I can say with confidence that no mental health professional would have told him that sexual assault of you while you slept (sorry to not sugar coat this but it is what has happened) is not related to anxiety and common. If he had truly told him that (which I don’t believe he had) they would have a responsibility to safeguard you.

Op, that is utter, utter tripe from him. Sexomnia, anxiety, can’t remember. Ffs he knows exactly what he is doing, and it is sexual abuse and rape.

I think you would really benefit from getting support. I would try your GP first of all.

you poor thing, he is really doing a number on you.

This.

Autistic does not equate to controlling arsewipe.

Actually OP having read your updates there’s a lot more to add.

Think many of us suspected the shopping issue was the tip of the iceberg and there were other more serious controlling behaviours from him.

So to double down on my previous comment t, he absolutely is an abusive controlling g cunt as well as being a rapist. I know it’s hard but please reach out to someone in real life. You’re being financially emotionally and sexually abused by this piece of shit

But do you have a pension?

Are you allowed out without him?

Do you see friends? Do you have any family?

And now he's sexually assaulting you

Please contact Women's Aid

"He seemed devastated, saying he didn’t remember and would never hurt me. He cried "

Rubbish, he remembers very well. He's LYING. Especially since he can magically remember other occasions where he succeeded.

And no reputable therapist would say sexually harassing and raping your sleeping wife is common, don't worry about it. He likely gave them a very watered down version of what he's really doing.

And he doesn't seem to have done anything about his supposed sexomnia. Has he moved to another bed? Is he getting therapy for his supposed anxiety?

Note that husband's first response was to feel sorry for himself. If he really cared, he'd be aghast and doing whatever he could to stop it ever happening again.

Op, I think you keep trying to blame yourself for not "being clear enough". You ARE clear, he just doesn't want to hear it.

The fact that you are so deeply confused is a CLEAR sign that you are with a coercive gaslighter.

Hi Becksta1,

We're sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support from other Mumsnetters on your thread but we just thought we'd add some links to an organisation which can give you some more help in real life.

Other posters have mentioned Women's Aid, so we're adding a link to their webpage - Women's Aid - information and support. We know they've helped many Mumsnetters in the past so please take a look at their website and in particular their page entitled Am I in an abusive relationship?

Women's Aid has lots of information about coercive control, so please take a look here:
Women's Aid - what is coercive control

We hope you're able to access the support you need.

Do you have access to the major bank account where his salary goes? You should have equal access to him.
Does he control or have strong opinions about the clothes you wear?
Has he tried to convince you that it is for your own good?

It's not embarrassing for you because you have done nothing wrong. He is sexually and financially abusive and it will be damaging for you and your children if you stay with him. Other posters and Mumsnet HQ have provided information on organisations who can help and support you to leave this monster.

Thank you everyone for your kindness, care and support. I promise to take on board all of your comments. I feel like I’m going through some form of grief right now and not really knowing how I feel. I fully intend to seek support, sadly I don’t have close family or anywhere to go but I’m going to speak to women’s aid when I can and see what is out there. I’ve been on medication for so long and felt shame for feeling tired and worn down and I know some of this stems from childhood, but I can’t help but feel like my relationship hasn’t helped. I’m trying to feel less shame now. Thanks again. You’re all shining stars.

Dearest @Becksta1 there is no shame in being a victim. Because that's what you are - a victim of both circumstance and abuse. Be kind to yourself.

I’m glad you have had a positive response. I used to pour over the abuse wheel and lists of behaviour but couldn’t find anything relating to a partner who did the shopping and cooking - almost like no abusive man would ever do that so he must be being kind because I was useless.

I wasn’t allowed to use the joint account because STBEX had accounted for every penny including my son’s DLA and my CA. So obviously I was not allowed to shop. But on paper I had access. I’d just been trained not to use it. Just like I could go out and about because the family car was on the drive but I couldn’t actually use it because the petrol was low and I couldn’t go anywhere where I might have to spend money. Just enough petrol for the school run. To put more petrol in the car or go shopping was unthinkable.

All done supposedly to take care of me because I couldn’t possibly cope without him.

My first step was contacting DLA and having benefits paid into a sole account in my name. STBEX was furious and swore he’d get it back like it was his in the first place. I was sick and tired that there was no money to pay for his needs or mine because STBEX controlled it.

Coercive and financial control robs you of your self esteem and your sense of what is right and normal - especially when distracted as carer for a child with additional needs.

It took me many years to leave because I feared it was true that I couldn’t cope without his support. It turned out that I could cope better without the control dressed up as support and it was in my DSs best interests that I get us out of this soul sucking experience.

It’s a head fuck and overwhelming - so much so that you desperately want to rush back to the comfort of the familiar awful. Stay strong and I wish you well.