Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

If you struggle to get hold of women’s aid google domestic abuse charity and the name of your county. You should be able to find some face to face or telephone support.

@Becksta1 I wish you all the very best for the future. Small steps can move you on.

@PocketSand Thank you for your post, it really resonated with me.

OP, I’ve also been in an abusive relationship and like PocketSand, my exH dressed up his abuse as “care”. Abusers don’t always behave like people think. They may not be violent (yet) or shout or act aggressively. They may appear as charm itself, while controlling your every move, using psychological tricks like minimising, gaslighting and playing the victim, and acting like everything they do is in your best interests. It isn’t.

It was a counsellor who first alerted me that I was in an abusive relationship. In fact, she raised a safeguarding concern and alerted Social Services (who did nothing). At the time I thought she was crazy, and I was terrified and never went back. But I’m so glad that she did it because I began to notice other red flags and started to question his motives. It took another four years for me to get out.

Your posts have shown that this is a much bigger issue than the food shopping. I’m sure you’re feeling overwhelmed by the responses and trying to talk yourself out of it. Please just take your time to process it. When you feel ready, it would really help to contact a domestic abuse charity. Keep talking on here, you will get some amazing support. x

This is scary!!

@Becksta1 It is NOT your shame. It is his. Refuse to be shamed, because you have done nothing wrong. Shame is just another way of controlling you.

@PocketSand @Notreallyme27 Pocketsand's post really resonates with me too. I also had supposed access to a joint account that in reality I wasn't allowed to use because every penny was allocated.
I had a well paid job in finance too, but all my salary except £100 a month had to be paid into the joint account. I was allowed to keep £100 per month, but that was our joint cash for the month, so if he needed cash for something, I had to hand some of that £100 over to him too.
I remember walking through Canary Wharf once on my lunch break and thinking "Ooh there's Boots, I'll pop in and get some shampoo" and then I decided against it because it wouldn't be worth the aggro of having to explain and justify at length why I had spent money on shampoo, instead of adding it onto the weekly grocery shop. FFS.
I wish they would teach in schools what non-violent abusive relationships look like.

His interest has been and is in keeping you at home, OP. Having a job opens up a person's world to other people and opportunities to develop confidence in your capabilities for things other than a wife and mother (not knocking mothering which is obvs highly important!!)
Men like him want their partner to be in a small box. What you find though is that the sides of the box keep closing in and the box you're in gets smaller and smaller and nothing you do is ever good enough. You're not a tiny person but he has been working on making you into one so that you don't realise that he is the tiny - and needy - person. Please remember that. He is the tiny person with the fucked up personality, not you. With some advice and research on how people extricate themselves from these situations, not only are you entirely capable of managing without him, you'll be golden. And way less anxious.

How old are you? I understand it's very difficult and you sound extremely vulnerable and naive tbh. Do you have family near you or friends?

Just popping in to leave you a big hug @Becksta1 This is something really tough you're going through. You're so brave to have posted and keep on reading

Dear @Becksta1
It’s really not embarrassing and no one here minds. It’s good for you to offload. There is so much experience (sadly) on this thread.
It’s probably best not to discuss this thread with your partner. Be aware and make mental notes of the different areas where you have felt that something you want to do is being limited. You’ve mentioned you’d like to work , cook your own food and also not feeling comfortable sexually.
It is hard for us posters to know how the situation could change if you pushed the boundaries around you too hard. We don’t know him. As other posters have said, sometimes coercive partners can get aggressive if their control is tested so I wouldn’t start pushing boundaries and demanding changes at the moment.

First, if I were you, I would try to understand what controlling behaviour in a partner actually looks like and where you sit. How bad is it for you, once you understand what it means. Someone has posted the wheel and I think you’ve said you’re going to try and talk to Women’s Aid. And remember it is illegal now in the U.K.

You can’t rush this - and you need guidance on how to test his reactions if you push boundaries. Keep coming back to us with your thoughts.
sending lots of love @Becksta1

Thank you. I know lots say to do it anyway but I’m. I’m not sure how that would go down. Not in a sense of physical violence but the shame and damage to my self esteem. I have started trying to do more for myself. He isn’t restrictive of my movements, I can go on nights out etc, which is something I’ve started to do in the past few months, and with that has come and insistence on dropping me off and collecting me the following morning which is something he never used to do.
My husband worked away for the day a couple of weeks ago and I invited a friend over that we both get on with. He seemed ok and didn’t say I couldn’t but now he’s ordered a camera for the front of the house and also our back garden. I know this sounds innocent but it feels intrusive

It’s not innocent. None of this is innocent. He’s a nasty piece of work.

Dropping you off and picking you up when you’re going out is absolutely another controlling red flag. And as for the cameras being set up - honestly this man is so controlling it’s sinister.

Your head must be everywhere OP and this will take time to process. Take your time to work out what’s best for you

Thanks for sharing this @Becksta1
It seems to me that as you’re thinking through his behaviour, and events that have happened in your marriage, the more you’re realising how he’s limiting what you’d like to do.
Cameras are to watch who comes and goes, and when you leave the house and when you come back.
It feels like he’s trying to make you feel like it’s ok if you go out - and that he’s caring enough to drop you off and collect you - but sadly, it is actually ensuring that he knows exactly where you are and who you’re with and for how long.

I think, if you can in small doses maybe, keep reading the links posted about controlling behaviour and coercive control and then you can continue to understand how it’s applying to you. Coercive behaviour is illegal in the UK and sadly, it will also be affecting your self esteem and confidence. This could be contributing to you feeling tired and low energy.
…. But, as all posters on here have said, this is not you doing anything wrong @Becksta1

This “caring” that you’re receiving is starting to feel like it’s stopping you doing what you want and smothering you a bit and this realisation is hard for you xx

It’s not freedom if you can only have it on his terms and it involves surveillance of you. It may feel, and he may try to make you believe, that he’s being caring, is worried about your safety etc, but that’s not his motive, it’s control.

I haven’t read the whole thread just your comments OP. You said he told you he would never hurt you. This is a massive red flag for me, think about it - why say that, you wouldn’t think to even say that if you were not of a mind to hurt someone.
My ex said he’d never hurt me. He lied, stole my money, was manipulative and then turned violent when I stopped catering to his whims.
Your posts have made me shudder. Please leave x

No.. he sounds like an abusive narcissist.

I’m glad you posted this on here. Hope you feel solidarity and support xxx

No advice just solidarity.

This doesn’t feel right because it isn’t. Trust your gut.

This is so sad OP. I really hope you find 'real world' support. It's genuinely not normal and the camera comment is very worrying. He's keeping you in check. Same with the lifts. It's not kindness, it's control x

OP, kindly: why would you choose a life for you and your children that needs a trigger warning?

This is why I have always worked & saved

Had my own bank account, my money

My freedom, my choices

With help from Womens Aid or similar helpful agencies, you could leave & start a new life

I do not know how you have put up with this life so long !

I would not be happy about him installing the cameras either

I would be very tempted to just walk away .....forever

hi @Becksta1 - I can't find this thread on the Active so wondering if it's deleted but just checking to see if you're ok? x

Hi @Lilactimes and thank you for asking after me. I’m up and down, not really sure how I feel, disconnected, and lost I think. I haven’t made any calls yet as I haven’t had the opportunity but it’s something I know I need to do.
I don’t really have family so I’m wondering if I should talk to a friend, but then I don’t want to worry them or cause any stress or frustration. Or for them to think I’m bad. I know to people on the outside it seems really easy but it isn’t. I have nowhere to go. I know it’ll come across as an excuse but I didn’t have a loving childhood so at 16 when I met my husband I thought he was my prince and he did and still does do nice things. That’s something I didn’t experience as a child. He told me he loved me which I really needed to hear, even if I didn’t believe it. He felt protective.
I know it’ll all work out and I’ll be ok. I hope you’re having a good weekend. Sorry if my reply is a bit too long!

I don’t know.