Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

This is one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard. He can buy whatever he likes but you're not allowed strawberries?
Do you not have access to any money of your own? How can he stop you from buying food?

You literally must divorce him at once as this sounds beyond intolerable.

Echoing PPs OP. If you hadn’t realised, these replies must be a lot for you to take in. I hope you’re ok

Yeah i wouldn't be OK with this either. Why does he think he can dictate everything you buy and every meal you eat? He's not your boss

I'm not keen on my DH doing the food shop because he will buy stuff we already have plenty of and also forget other stuff, usually things that are for me like lunches. It's annoying so I tend to do the food shopping the majority of the time. But I would never forbid DH from doing it and if i'm busy or not around he will go off and do it and it's not an issue. To be forbidden from doing something so trivial sounds really concerning. It's not about trust, it's about control.

Christ on a bike! Please, get yourself over to Women's Aid.

Coercive control has been illegal for 10 years now.

Culture is gradually catching on.

Dear Op, you can get through this. We all hold the key to our own cage, and we are never given more than we can manage. You're stronger than you know.

I say this as one who had been scared for my life under financial abuse and control.

First I gathered evidence of the control.

Then I changed the locks when he was out, called the police, told them everything.

He was arrested upon his return and I applied for an occupation order which I got. That was January 2019.

Unfortunately due to the idiotic family court and cafcass, my poor nonverbal kids still have to go and see him, which means I still have to interact with the pos. But at least I can set an example to them of saying "No I won't stay with a vile pos."

Not being allowed to shop or cook really resonated with me. It was me too. 5 years ago. I can recall being confused about what it was that I did wrong and why everything I did was wrong requiring constant correction.

Far from seeing the light (that I was in a controlling abusive marriage) I just tried harder not to upset my DH. Dialled myself down. Hid in the background. Stopped seeing friends etc

It was only when I saw how me tolerating this and becoming so diminished myself was impacting my DS that I was galvanised into action.

It's not been easy but my life has changed more then I ever thought was possible.

Sending much love and support.

Dear @Becksta1 - I hope you’re ok. This thread is pretty full on so take care x

Thank you. I’m just confused. There’s stuff I’m trying to process and have struggled with for a while. He is genuinely very kind, and really takes care of me in lots of ways, and I know I’d struggle without him. It’s tough because of some of the big stuff that’s happened between us, he’ll say he doesn’t remember and it confuses me.

That’s what abusers do. They will make it so you think you can’t live without them.

He is gas lighting by saying he can’t remember. He does.

Do you have someone close you could confide it about your relationship? Or a therapist?

It is scary having to think about your life being not what you thought it was. But honestly what is happening is really not normal.

He’s incredibly controlling and NOT a good partner. Good partners do not make life this difficult. Please leave OP. He’s done a real number on you - you won’t even realise how much until this relationship is behind you. He has serious issues with his personality. He is not a safe person to be in a relationship with. You can seek advice on here if you feel you need it about how to go about ending your relationship.
There are normal men out there. He is not one of them. Please save your sanity and mental health and get him the fuck out of your life. Then rediscover your happy self and healthy eating without him.

Of course he remembers but by saying he doesn’t it shuts you down

This post exactly …

@Becksta1 the confusion usually comes with gaslighting you. He probably takes you to the limit of being horrible and then he’s probably nice again. It’s destabilising. You don’t know where you stand. There’s a lot on this thread, take time to process it. I think it’s a scary revelation to recognise you may be the victim of abuse. I was confused like this for many years with my ExH. I didn’t know what was happening to me most of the time. He was too lazy to do the weekly shop but he’d berate me over my purchases and just cause arguments. We were affluent but it was just a case of him having another stick to beat me with. Stay strong, take your time, it’s confusing I know as you probably love him x

I agree with the others OP, please look up gaslighting. I am so sorry. Have you got any family members, friends or other real life support? Xx Sending strength.

Absolutely not normal or acceptable for an adult not to be ‘allowed’ to do a food shop!!
This is shocking and sad OP I can’t imagine living like this! We both pop into shops as and when we feel we need/fancy bits, and both do a big main shop depending on who has the time etc. This is controlling abusive behaviour.

Would you really struggle without him or is this something else he’s made you believe? Really OP I think he’s been wearing you down so youve got no confidence left

You don’t need permission to buy food or to cook.

it could be your dh is great in every other way but has a bee in his bonnet about food. In which case just tell him you are getting good this week.

But if you can’t tell him and / or there’s other stuff that has to be his way you need to consider is this a controlling relationship. Do you get to be yourself or are you a smaller version to fit in with him?

And if yes does that change anything? How could it change?

When he says he doesn't remember, he's lying. Nothing to be confused about.

That sounds confusing @Becksta1
What kind of things can’t he remember?

Why would you struggle without him? Do you have a disability which means you need care?

When I saw your title I thought I wish (I was always trying to delegate food shopping and meal planning). As a family after a few years of me complaining that these tasks always fell on my shoulders we share them now even the children (adult at Uni) do their turn. We have a Lidl 10 minutes walk away so it’s easy enough to plan and cook daily. But, your DP’s behaviour is controlling and you should be allowed to do the food shopping if you want to. You are not a child.

When our kids were young and money was very tight, I worked on a Saturday morning and dh would do the hobbies run with the kids he would take the list to the shops, did he ever stick to the list? No, did he spend more than I’d budgeted for? Always, did I moan and worry slightly about the money? Definitely. Were the extras things we probably needed anyway? Usually. We’d then work through the finances together to solve the problem.

In your case, money is not a problem he just doesn’t want you having strawberries unless, I assume he wants strawberries. Unless money is really tight a shopping list is the bare minimum you need, it is normal to have a few impulses or a few items you’d forgotten to put on it. It’s normal for couples to do it together or take turns to shop or one to do the shop and the other pop in for a few bits they’d like.

However this sounds like it’s the tip of the iceberg for you. The scales are still very much in your eyes but there is a small glint of daylight. Don’t try and see the whole picture all at once take one other incident and try and process that. If you need clarity as to whether it’s normal or not ask on here. I think you’re in a position where you can’t see what is going on.

Why do you think you’d struggle without him? Is there a physical reason or is it lack of confidence and fear of the unknown?

Really...

How
Where
Why?

@simsbustinoutmimi

that is very insulting to the autistic community. Conflating being abusive with being autistic.
not ok.

Why would you struggle without him? Do you have access to money of your own?
or has he made you feel so useless that you think you can’t cope without him?