Husband won’t let me do the food shop *[content warning: concerns coercive control and financial and sexual abuse]

[Becksta1]

Hi everyone. Apologises for this completely random post but I would like some advice. For years now my husband has insisted on doing the food shop, on the very rare occasion that I do it he complains if I buy a couple of things that aren’t on the list. I broke down in tears a couple of weeks ago, well actually I’ve done this a few times, and shared with him that I would like to sometimes do the shop. He says I can’t because he doesn’t trust me to stick to the list. I know what he means, and it’s normally not big purchases but say if there’s a spice mix for example on special buy that I thought might be nice I’d probably buy it. It’s not a big purchase, it never would be. It could even be that I might pick up strawberries if I saw them and thought me or the kids or even my hubby might like to eat them. It’s never a lot, maybe only one or two additions at small costs. I know he does this too, in fact he doesn’t have a list when he goes shopping so I’m not sure what really counts. It’s not a money thing, if anything I’m the one that worries more about overspending. I’m not sure.
The other thing is he asks what I want to eat when he’s planning a shop (he likes to make dinner) when I put suggestions forward even if I offer to cook he basically says no so I don’t know why he’s even asking. He likes convenience food and I’m trying to eat more nourishing food. It’s got to a point now where I just don’t say because he’ll shut me down.
I find it very confusing and am looking for some advice really on how I could maybe prove that I can be trusted with things or be included in decisions around food and shopping.
Hope you’re all enjoying the sun xx

I know it is going to be really hard, but I really hope you can speak to a close friend about why are going through. Having some support around you will really help.

You need to think of your children’s safety as well as your own. You cannot stay in this situation.

Do speak to your friend. It’s baby steps and every small thing you are able to do will make it feel less overwhelming

If you had a difficult childhood it would have left you much more vulnerable to abusive relationships and at 16 you were still a child. Was your partner significantly older than you?
It’s completely understandable that after so many years together it feels scary to be considering an alternative. You don’t need to make immediate changes though, and actually you’ll need to work with a charity to identify a safety plan if you’re considering leaving as that can increase the risk. If you can find the courage to speak to a friend though that’s a really good place to start. Your friends will want to help and friendships are about support so don’t worry about stressing her.

OP, you've had some good advice here and from everything you've said it does seem like you're in a relationship with an abusive man who chose a damaged lonely 16 year old and proceeded to systematically isolate and control you.

And his claiming he doesn't 'remember' the big things that have happened between you, and that he might be
sleep-molesting you ('Sexsomnia'?? No.) - that is a form of abuser tactic called gaslighting.

Some important questions:

What are your and your children's ages now?

If you met when you were 16, I wonder if he's significantly older than you are?

Have you ever had a job?

Can you drive?

Do you have any form of savings or a pension?

Does he work?

Has he made a will?

So much for you to think through, and well done for seeing this is not right.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

OP, a friend would want to help you. Of course they will worry, because they care about you. Please don't force yourself to go through this alone.

Oh Dear. This isn't embarrassing but it's very sad to read. How old is your DC OP? Do they attend a mainstream school.

Your DH is finicially abusive and sexually abusive. You are in a coercive relationship.

Him wanting to order cameras is so he can keep tabs on you.

It seems scary because this is all you know. There's womens refugees available OP. I would be job looking ASAP. Maybe a job in a school...

Do you have your OWN family support?

OP don't blame yourself for this.
It sounds like your boundaries were already in tatters from your childhood. Your "rescuer" recognised that, and swept in to scoop you up. He groomed you.
Under the guise of protecting you, he was actually building an invisible prison around you. You have finally seen it for what it is, but it will take a while to find within yourself the means to escape.
It will still be there somewhere inside you. The first step was recognising what was happening to you. You've done that. The next step is working out how and who to reach out to. You've reached out to us. But you need to reach out to someone in your life who can help you. Don't fail to escape because of embarrassment or shame. You didn't do this. He did.
Don't let him know what you are thinking or doing. Contact women's aid, or talk to your GP. There will be someone who can direct you to some real support.
I'm sure someone will have popped into your head. Tell them.
Maybe start like you did on here, to test their reaction.
I don't for a second think this will be easy. But it's necessary. Not just for you but for your children, or they will grow up thinking this is what life is supposed to be like.

I hear you completely, I have kinda tried, and my best friend knows what’s happening ish but I feel like she’s a little closed. She has a lot going on in her own life, a running injury and being self employed so I really don’t want to be a stresser. I almost don’t feel like I’m worthy of support which I know probably sounds stupid. She has made comments like “I can’t wait till you f**k him off” and where I understand what she means, it’s a pressure and either way I’m going to let someone down. I know she wants me to leave l, I know it. She’s my support network, my family really. I have to stay close to where I live for my close friendships but I’m not sure how possible that would be and if I would me made to move away which would isolate me and my kids massively. I just can’t see a win.

I will speak to women’s aid, I don’t want to sound negative or reluctant to change. I’m so scared of the unknown

Of course you're scared, this is all you've known.
I understand about your friend. Sometimes people you'd like to rely on really can't be there for you because they've got their own stuff going on or they just aren't up to it.
And the feeling that you are not worth helping, that's because you've been told all your adult life (and maybe ALL your life) that this is all you are worth. Maybe not in so many words, probably a lot more subtle than that. But it's been drip drip drip for years.

That’s true. I think for me I just need to accept and understand and kinda make peace that this will be something I need to do on my own. Thank you xxx

You are being so brave, it's a scary thing to face the unknown but when the alternative is living in a controlling relationship, it's worth taking the leap. OP you are a strong woman to have endured what you have so don't ever think you're weak. You can do this - don't think too far ahead, take it one step, one day at a time. You've got this 💐

Thank you. It’s honestly so overwhelming. I don’t want to move away from my very small circle of friends because I wouldn’t cope 😭 it just feels tough, really tough. I’m going to see if my friend brings anything up, maybe she can keep some photocopied documents for me just in case. I’m really touched by how kind people are.

Op just want to say I’m watching the thread and you’re being so incredibly brave. Be gentle with yourself and know little bit by bit you can make changes.

I’m really glad you have your best friend, she is a keeper ❤️. What’s more, she probably saw your husband as abusive before you recognised it. I am very glad you have friends and that he hasn’t succeeded in isolating you. Sending you solidarity x

Hi @Becksta1 - so glad I’ve found your thread and posts again and you’re ok. though I’m sure a bit overwhelmed ❤️
It’s ok to take your time and just understand the situation you’re in and what’s going on. You don’t have to walk out tomorrow… this is a long and slow process for you.
I think everyone’s concern is just that if you do push back on anything how your DP will behave towards you. What will his reaction be?

Don’t think you have to come back on here with answers on what you are going to do.

It’s a massive leap that you’re already acknowledging that influence is being exerted over you and that it’s making you uncomfortable. Continue to educate yourself on coercive behaviour in partners and try and get an ally IRL. Take things slowly so it doesn’t overwhelm you. It wouldn’t be good to shut down the idea completely that things will never change.. I’m sure they will at the right time for you.

Come back for support whenever you need. Your friend sounds lovely x h

How are you holding up op? @Becksta1

Hi there. Thank you for asking. I’m doing okay. I’m speaking more to my friend about stuff which is helping and she’s said she’ll support me in whatever way I need her to. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to process it all which at times is hard for me but I am getting there. Hope you’re ok too and thanks again for asking xx

Have you spoken to Women’s Aid?

Not yet sorry. I’m still trying to get my head together and talk with my friend.

You don’t need to be sorry. You need to think about yourself first, however that looks to you.

Thank you xx

You have nothing to apologise for. However, please don’t be scared to contact them. There’s no commitment involved and they’re incredibly helpful, supportive and knowledgeable.

Thank you. I just don’t want to be told what to do or have to give my details. I’d like to ring just for advice so I can work out a plan.

Tell them that. They’re not going to make you do anything.