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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband wants more sex, I don’t, complains about it so much

306 replies

acrossit · 06/07/2025 18:40

We Have two young kids (4 and 1) I’m overweight, woken multiple times in the night still, have two children demanding things every second of the day and I really I am starting to resent the bit of adult time I have to myself being taken over with husband wanting sex

That makes it sound like it’s all the time. It’s generally once a week. I don’t know if there are answers here, I can’t expect him to be celibate but equally I dread it.

OP posts:
JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 11/07/2025 16:00

letshearitfortheboy · 11/07/2025 15:53

For the love of God, WHAT is so hilarious about this to you?

He's telling you all the things he tried, and there was no actual addressing the matter ever. Every time there just was another fresh excuse. So he eventually left, which I think is so brave, and must have been an incredibly hard decision with a young child. Imagine the shame. What does he tell his friends and family about why they divorced?

How much longer should he have waited? Perhaps if she'd been willing to be honest, vulnerable, understanding and sympathetic about it, they might still be together.

You get ONE life.

You can invalidate all you like, and tell me all about what a disgusting, vile and entitled creature you think I am. You've been doing it already, feel free to carry on.

But sexual connection is a natural and innate human desire, and no, wanking does not fulfil it.

Of course no husband has the right to help himself to his wife's body whenever he likes, or to expect her to be permanently and constantly sexually available to him. And anybody on here suggesting otherwise would get told to fuck right off by me, for one.

But, husband and wives DO agree, presumably enthusiastically, to become the ONLY people in the entire universe that CAN fulfil that desire for each other, forever. A huge commitment.

We always talk about what all the things wives don't owe their husbands.

When the answer is ALWAYS "no", in my opinion you DO owe your spouse some frankness and honesty on the matter.

I’m not the poster you quoted but I find the previous exchange hilarious too. I tried this, I tried that, I tried eight other things, none of them worked, anyway it’s all good because I left and now I’m having amazing sex.

No reflection on how his wife might’ve been feeling or why this or that didn’t get him the outcome he wanted, just coming along to a predominantly women’s chat forum to share his cautionary tale with us all.

As I said - would love to hear from his ex.

2024onwardsandup · 11/07/2025 16:10

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 11/07/2025 16:00

I’m not the poster you quoted but I find the previous exchange hilarious too. I tried this, I tried that, I tried eight other things, none of them worked, anyway it’s all good because I left and now I’m having amazing sex.

No reflection on how his wife might’ve been feeling or why this or that didn’t get him the outcome he wanted, just coming along to a predominantly women’s chat forum to share his cautionary tale with us all.

As I said - would love to hear from his ex.

That’s the thing isn’t it - putting a man’s need to get off above EVERYTHING ELSE

GoldDuster · 11/07/2025 17:28

GoldDuster · 11/07/2025 13:40

So many women are incapable of even fathoming how to have a conversation.

Is this your own experience, or have you found some data to base this on?

@letshearitfortheboy

I'm wondering if you had any thoughts on this

GoldDuster · 11/07/2025 17:30

9ct · 11/07/2025 14:42

personally, I did try to work it out but after 12 months of no intimacy , I checked out and then a further 8 trying to be heard and do whatever she said would make her be up for it. Shame because there is now a kid involved and I never wished to create a broken home

Out of interest, did you do any reading around the subject?

GoldDuster · 11/07/2025 17:33

@letshearitfortheboy

You can invalidate all you like, and tell me all about what a disgusting, vile and entitled creature you think I am. You've been doing it already, feel free to carry on.

Where did I call you a disgusting vile creature? Calm down, there's no need to get hysterical.

letshearitfortheboy · 11/07/2025 18:12

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 11/07/2025 16:00

I’m not the poster you quoted but I find the previous exchange hilarious too. I tried this, I tried that, I tried eight other things, none of them worked, anyway it’s all good because I left and now I’m having amazing sex.

No reflection on how his wife might’ve been feeling or why this or that didn’t get him the outcome he wanted, just coming along to a predominantly women’s chat forum to share his cautionary tale with us all.

As I said - would love to hear from his ex.

Well she ain't here is she.

We can go round in circles all day about whose responsibility things like happiness and communication are in a marriage.

My view is there are TWO people in a marriage, and BOTH have responsibility.

If he has to try ten different things, which are ALL somehow wrong, then he's clearly not getting the picture, is he? What to do? You can sit there and seethe and silently stew about what a useless insensitive bastard your useless insensitive bastard of a husband is, and how everything he says and does is wrong. Don't forget to lowkey withhold sex without explanation. Or, you can be an active participant in your marriage and.... communicate your needs.

Guessing games are not a recipe for marital bliss.

It's a shame the ex wife's not here, I'm sure she'd tell us all about how it was all his fault really.

9ct · 11/07/2025 18:24

GoldDuster · 11/07/2025 17:30

Out of interest, did you do any reading around the subject?

of course I did, and have had a conversation with others who responded to me, as it is staying on topic.

You maybe confused but never mind

2024onwardsandup · 11/07/2025 18:39

9ct · 11/07/2025 18:24

of course I did, and have had a conversation with others who responded to me, as it is staying on topic.

You maybe confused but never mind

You have put your want to get off above the needs of your children and wife

it is about balancing and prioritising wants and needs.

you have put your orgasms above all else

grim

JustGoClickLikeALightSwitch · 11/07/2025 18:42

letshearitfortheboy · 11/07/2025 18:12

Well she ain't here is she.

We can go round in circles all day about whose responsibility things like happiness and communication are in a marriage.

My view is there are TWO people in a marriage, and BOTH have responsibility.

If he has to try ten different things, which are ALL somehow wrong, then he's clearly not getting the picture, is he? What to do? You can sit there and seethe and silently stew about what a useless insensitive bastard your useless insensitive bastard of a husband is, and how everything he says and does is wrong. Don't forget to lowkey withhold sex without explanation. Or, you can be an active participant in your marriage and.... communicate your needs.

Guessing games are not a recipe for marital bliss.

It's a shame the ex wife's not here, I'm sure she'd tell us all about how it was all his fault really.

She ain't, but luckily his contributions are dripping with smugness and superiority, so that's a big help.

9ct · 11/07/2025 19:02

2024onwardsandup · 11/07/2025 18:39

You have put your want to get off above the needs of your children and wife

it is about balancing and prioritising wants and needs.

you have put your orgasms above all else

grim

if you think settling in a non-intimate relationship because of kids and being miserable through is ideal for 2 adults in their 30s is normal , you do not value happiness.

2024onwardsandup · 11/07/2025 19:20

9ct · 11/07/2025 19:02

if you think settling in a non-intimate relationship because of kids and being miserable through is ideal for 2 adults in their 30s is normal , you do not value happiness.

You don’t have to have sex to have an intimate relationship

if you were miserable either it’s because you value orgasms above all in a relationship OR there were other peovlems in the relationship

Littleredraincoat · 11/07/2025 19:26

GoldDuster · 11/07/2025 14:58

@9ct I'm pleased you've had the best two years of your life, long may it continue. Fingers crossed for that.

I think it's hilarious that there are men out there thinking that they checked out and left a woman with no sex drive, and it was never to return again, ho hum, she was broken.

I can assure you, wholeheartedly, that the problem isn't her "drive".

Edited

Really? Drives change. And my ex's change of drive was definitely our problem.

Not sure I like the fact I am defending 9ct after he said he was glad my relationship broke down, but anyone trying to argue that mismatched drives are ok and you should appease the one who wants least sex is wrong in my book.

MNpenisadvisor · 11/07/2025 19:36

Just talk to the man!!

2024onwardsandup · 11/07/2025 19:40

Littleredraincoat · 11/07/2025 19:26

Really? Drives change. And my ex's change of drive was definitely our problem.

Not sure I like the fact I am defending 9ct after he said he was glad my relationship broke down, but anyone trying to argue that mismatched drives are ok and you should appease the one who wants least sex is wrong in my book.

It’s not appeasing - it’s accepting. A very different thing.

Mischance · 11/07/2025 20:09

Mismatched sex drives in a long relationship are the norm - it is inevitable. No-one stays the same person throughout their lives in so many ways. It is just one problem among many that couples will face over the course of their lives.

What matters is how people decide to deal with the problem.

Sexual intimacy is not simply about an orgasm - it is about loving communication - it is about consideration - it is about kindness.

An orgasm is not a basis for breaking up a family. There is so much more to intimacy - shared ideas and humour - shared interests and goals - shared history - shared children. Organising nursery or a cleaner is not about sharing or kindness - it reflects a cynical transactional mindset, which is deeply unattractive.

Very often men (and yes it is usually men) see sex as a right, rather than just one aspect of a relationship that might wax and wane throughout a relationship.

Intimacy is lost when one partner is constantly badgering the other for something that at that point they do not feel able to share for whatever reason. That loss of intimacy means they are even less likely to want to have sex. And everyone loses out then, because men too enjoy the warmth of a shared relationship and not just sex.

So to men facing this situation I would simply say - deal with your physical need for orgasm yourself, and throw yourself into closeness with your wife in every other area of your relationship - you will enjoy that and she will enjoy that. And at some point, if this is nurtured then sex may flow from that. It will become just another aspect of the closeness. What will not work is making her feel she is being backed into a corner and having to defend herself from sexual advances all the time - that will simply push her further away.

A relationship is a multi-faceted thing - it is not just about sex.

Memely · 11/07/2025 20:49

Mischance · 11/07/2025 20:09

Mismatched sex drives in a long relationship are the norm - it is inevitable. No-one stays the same person throughout their lives in so many ways. It is just one problem among many that couples will face over the course of their lives.

What matters is how people decide to deal with the problem.

Sexual intimacy is not simply about an orgasm - it is about loving communication - it is about consideration - it is about kindness.

An orgasm is not a basis for breaking up a family. There is so much more to intimacy - shared ideas and humour - shared interests and goals - shared history - shared children. Organising nursery or a cleaner is not about sharing or kindness - it reflects a cynical transactional mindset, which is deeply unattractive.

Very often men (and yes it is usually men) see sex as a right, rather than just one aspect of a relationship that might wax and wane throughout a relationship.

Intimacy is lost when one partner is constantly badgering the other for something that at that point they do not feel able to share for whatever reason. That loss of intimacy means they are even less likely to want to have sex. And everyone loses out then, because men too enjoy the warmth of a shared relationship and not just sex.

So to men facing this situation I would simply say - deal with your physical need for orgasm yourself, and throw yourself into closeness with your wife in every other area of your relationship - you will enjoy that and she will enjoy that. And at some point, if this is nurtured then sex may flow from that. It will become just another aspect of the closeness. What will not work is making her feel she is being backed into a corner and having to defend herself from sexual advances all the time - that will simply push her further away.

A relationship is a multi-faceted thing - it is not just about sex.

I'm wondering where the wife's desire for closeness - one might even say obligation, you know 'to have and to hold' and all that - comes into the picture. Or is it entirely the man's duty to support the mockery of a marriage for years on end until the sex 'may' flow?

letshearitfortheboy · 11/07/2025 20:58

Memely · 11/07/2025 20:49

I'm wondering where the wife's desire for closeness - one might even say obligation, you know 'to have and to hold' and all that - comes into the picture. Or is it entirely the man's duty to support the mockery of a marriage for years on end until the sex 'may' flow?

No, one might not say "obligation". You let your otherwise reasonable argument down very badly. Off you fuck.

Bababear987 · 11/07/2025 21:10

acrossit · 06/07/2025 20:47

Yeah I’m not keen on those sorts of questions either - it does miss the point. I can’t imagine increasing my workload so to speak with exercises and I really, really don’t want to talk about it with DH. I know that’s what gets pushed but it would mean it was just so awkward …

Whether you want to or not or worry it will be awkward you do need to talk to him about it and not just ignore the problem. You are grown adults with children so I dont see how you cant discuss this or how it would be awkward just explain gently to him that you've 0 desire and need to work on this yourself and he needs to be patient. It will only escalate and will lead to a lot of resentment. I cant imagine anything worse than a man nagging for sex but you need to explain to him how everything has changed for you, men really dont get it. They dont get how everything is so overwhelming and how touched out you are by the end of the day with small children.

I went through exactly the same for a while when I had my first baby and spoke to some friends about it. One friend suggested some dirty books for me to read and i have to say it definitely did the trick. The first couple of times having sex was uncomfortable and possibly a bit forced on my part but then my libido came flying back. Sometimes it's a use it or lose it situation.

Another thing would be looking into some sleep training, you shouldnt be getting up multiple times a night every night with children of those ages.

You need to take minimum one night a week to do a hobby that helps you feel like you again. Something like yoga or book club or exercise class. It's hard not to lose yourself as a mum and I think it's worth carving time out for yourself no matter what. If your husband is a good man and you love him then it will be worth it, he will just need to be patient and see to himself for a while.

Is your husband also up at night with the kids and doing his share around the house?

I think once you feel more like you and dont feel pressured and as long as your husband is pulling his weight then it will come back but you do have to put some work into it

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 11/07/2025 21:18

letshearitfortheboy · 11/07/2025 14:24

Who are you addressing? I have read the full thread and I have seen nobody talk about "insisting on sex with an unwilling partner".

Of course no man - except for the Tate types - is going to say, "I want sex 5 times a week. If I don't get that, I am going to get angrier and angrier. I'm not going to do important household chores. I will deliberately not hold up my end of the domestic labour, so you have to do more. I will get stroppy with the children, be cold and angry to you, bash around the house aggressively, make snippy comments, pick arguments with you, be shitty to your friends and family, be grumpy, moody, and churlish. I will exhaust you. And I will escalate that for every fuck you deny me."

THIS is exactly what is happening in households all over the world. For women, all of whom have grown up in the patriarchy, this is terrorizing behaviour, because it comes from a man, who is much bigger. And the man also often has the economic advantage because of the motherhood factor. THAT is why women engage in unwanted consensual sex. To appease the man slamming around and punishing everyone because he's not getting his leg over.

You and others have talked about how women don't communicate about sex. The fact that you say this about the sex that DOES communicate readily and comparatively easily, unlike men, indicates that you don't understand anything.

You especially don't understand that men - including you - are very aggressive about getting sex, and women are scared of male aggression.

And part of that aggression is that many men are very very single-minded, really one-dimensional, about not getting sex. A PP above said something like men not getting sex can talk about it all day. Yeah, they sure can. And they will keep making moves. Keep touching. Keep pushing. Keep having talks, some of them. Keep waiting tensely, with increasing agitation and anger, coiled ready to grab and leap on the woman at the slightest bit of warmth from her.

Meanwhile, the woman involved is FULLY aware of what is going on. She initially tries to please the guy by having sex that she's not really into. She hopes that she'll want to have sex again. She's initially apologetic. She listens - she's ALWAYS LISTENING - and she tries. Probably she goes on like this for a long time, letting this guy use her body. But it's literally revolting to have sex you don't want. It's psychologically painful to have someone pump you and you don't want it. If you're a heterosexual man, imagine a guy trying to fuck your arsehole, and he keeps trying, every single day and every time you kiss him affectionately, he's shoving himself on you and grabbing your butt, trying to get into your arsehole - that utter unwelcomeness and threat is what your behaviour feels like to the woman. So the unwanted sex becomes increasingly unpleasant. She starts to hate it. She starts to dread the evenings. She becomes deeply averse to sex (with HIM). She doesn't now really want to talk about it because there's so so sooooo much fucking pressure around the subject, it feels explosive.

You men here are talking about how women don't communicate about sex. Actually, they DO! They talk with body language, and most of them talk in words. They're saying, "I'm tired. I'm not interested in sex right now. I don't know when I'll get interested again. Back off and give me time to recover." She doesn't know how long it will take. This is new to her too.

But the guy doesn't hear any of this, because he doesn't WANT to. The only acceptable answer is for her to have sex with him. He's so focused on his dick, and his entitlement, he keeps pushing, and his aggression and anger keeps rising. And it is palpable.

Who on earth wants to have sex with someone like that?

I don't, and most women wouldn't. This, exactly this, is how men kill their wife's libido and lust for them. Sex should be joyful. Not a chore. Not because you're in the weeds with exhaustion and trying to get through the day and can't face the fighting that will come when you say no outright.

I daresay, given your completely clueless responses here, all of you men here have definitely coerced - or tried to coerce - your partner into sex. So you HAVE "insisted on sex with an unwilling partner". That's ugly. You think you're a nice and reasonable person, but actually you've been forcing yourself on someone out of selfish aggressive hysteria.

And none of you seems to get it. No matter how well-phrased and clear women PPs have been here, You. Just. Don't. Get. It. So that means you're going to sexually coerce your next partner too.

letshearitfortheboy · 11/07/2025 21:25

GoldDuster · 11/07/2025 17:28

@letshearitfortheboy

I'm wondering if you had any thoughts on this

Are you really. Didn't fancy replying to ANYTHING else at all in that post then?

I did mistype in that reply, I meant to say "incapable of even fathoming how to have a conversation about sex", as I did say correctly in my previous post that I was referring to.

That is my opinion and my experience from my own wife, from talking to other men about their marriages, and also observing how women talk about it on threads like this. Aghast that the subject has even been raised. Using the worst language they can find to describe sex. Deliberate misunderstandings, ad-hominems and strawmen galore.

2024onwardsandup · 11/07/2025 21:30

9ct · 11/07/2025 10:02

I hate to say it but 3 of My male friends ,including myself , left one relationships and marriages because of this.

Men go off on physical rather than emotional interaction.

If the physical is lacking, we will reach a point of no return especially after communicating to no avail.

I am just putting it straight to you and I know I may get hate for this.

you leaving is not going to be any great loss to a woman

soveryconfused85 · 11/07/2025 21:40

Sera1989 · 06/07/2025 20:14

I felt similar to you. I had check ups at the doctors but everything was normal and all they could offer was sex psychotherapy (although I was impressed to find out they offer that on the NHS). I just didn’t want to do it, never really felt horny, felt a lot of pressure and that it was a chore I was doing just to keep my boyfriend happy. But I realised if I didn’t do something then it would be the end of my relationship (and I’d probably have the same problem in all future relationships). I ended up reading a couple of books, and learning about women’s sex drives and doing the exercises changed my outlook on sex. I now enjoy doing it, look forward to it and make time for it. I’m not desperate for it and still go through periods where I just don’t want to but we do it happily and passionately 1-2 times a week which is a big improvement. Do you think you’d be open to reading a book or listening to a podcast?

Which book/podcast would you recommend? Thanks

Mischance · 11/07/2025 21:44

Memely · 11/07/2025 20:49

I'm wondering where the wife's desire for closeness - one might even say obligation, you know 'to have and to hold' and all that - comes into the picture. Or is it entirely the man's duty to support the mockery of a marriage for years on end until the sex 'may' flow?

A marriage without sex is not a "mockery" .... it is one sort of relationship. Having sex is not an obligation.

letshearitfortheboy · 11/07/2025 21:51

Thank you for that @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta .

Edit: I mean that sincerely, I will put that in my pipe and smoke it.

GoldDuster · 12/07/2025 08:19

@letshearitfortheboy

I think all you've done here is display quite nicely for everyone the reason your wife doesn't really feel like it.

You can keep on sticking your fingers in your ears, and getting overly defensive and tetchy, or you can do a bit more research around the subject and be open to learning something.

I would guess that the average man who is banging about the house because his zero sex drive wife (it's not her sex drive, it's you, it will be back like a flash as soon as you disappear, trust me) won't do her duty has spent more time researching which surround sound system/road bike/lawnmower to invest in, than he has about the way sexual desire works in a long term relationship.

It's not a mystery.

I know @9ct is having far too much fun to read books at the moment, and long may that continue, you leading light and inspiration.

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