Husband wants more sex, I don’t, complains about it so much

[acrossit]

We Have two young kids (4 and 1) I’m overweight, woken multiple times in the night still, have two children demanding things every second of the day and I really I am starting to resent the bit of adult time I have to myself being taken over with husband wanting sex

That makes it sound like it’s all the time. It’s generally once a week. I don’t know if there are answers here, I can’t expect him to be celibate but equally I dread it.

I think the problem here is that those saying you don’t have to have sex you don’t want are correct, of course you don’t. But your husband is not unreasonable to not want to be celibate either so then you have a tough conversation to have about what that means for your marriage.

You need to have a proper honest chat about it all either way OP.

Agree with others it may be worth a chat with a GP too.

This isn’t surprising, OP. You’re ‘touched out’ and knackered from two little kids hanging off you all day, exhausted from sleep deprivation and their constant demands, and in the precious few hours you get to relax and decompress you’ve got another person wanting something from you - and not something you can just dial in, you’ve suddenly got to switch from knackered mum to sexy wife and act happy and enthusiastic about it, when you’re really just wanting to chill and not have yet another fucking chore added to your To Do list.

I empathise 100% (also had my kids later in life). It’s like you can’t work harder or be more tired, and yet you’re still somehow failing, by not quite measuring up as a partner to your DH.

He’s not unreasonable to want sex with his wife once a week, but at this point you really need to talk about what’s workable for you both. Does it have to be penetrative sex? Sometimes doing something different can take the pressure off, and not getting fully physically involved yourself can somehow make it less invasive/tiring when you haven’t got the bandwidth. If he’s a good partner and you love him, I’d try to find compromises that continue to make you feel connected as a couple, without forcing you into situations you’re uncomfortable with.

Dread is quite a strong word - I get you might rather be chilling, but do you enjoy it at all when it happens?

I don’t think it’s that unusual not to be that into it with small kids, and also you might be heading into perimenopause.

But while I don’t think anyone should feel sex is compulsory the reality is marriages die off without it which would be worse, give you like your DH.

Is there anything at all your partner can do about getting a job closer to home??

Given once a week is the name of the game right now, is there anything either of you could do so you didn’t dread it?

Can you get it more domestic help so you get more time away from the kids..

.. and if you think it could be peri-meno, it might be worth looking at HRT

You absolutely don’t have to have any sex you don’t want too but you do need to discuss this with your husband because for him it’s becoming an issue. Rejection will something he’s feeling and just as you don’t have to do it he likely didn’t agree to a period of celibacy.
A few years ago I was similar but with teenagers and I was burnt out. I then started to schedule in sex one day a week, I sometimes dreaded it but always enjoyed it. My dh was happy and we dealt with that time as a couple. Now a few years on we still have that scheduled day but many more times in the week because we feel connected and I actually look fwd to it again. In fact I have a higher drive than him some weeks now.
could this be compromise so he has that time. You connect as a couple but the rest of the time you get that me time that you so desperately want?

Your husband is not recognising your needs. He needs to meet your needs at the same time you meet his.
im not sure what that looks like but maybe…
time to go to gym (crèche, nursery?)
sharing nighttime waking so you don’t crave crap food through tiredness the next day.
him seeing to your children’s needs so they realise they don’t have to just shout your nane
him learning bedtime routine

I am guessing he works or earns more so he thinks he's absolved from kids duty

I felt similar to you. I had check ups at the doctors but everything was normal and all they could offer was sex psychotherapy (although I was impressed to find out they offer that on the NHS). I just didn’t want to do it, never really felt horny, felt a lot of pressure and that it was a chore I was doing just to keep my boyfriend happy. But I realised if I didn’t do something then it would be the end of my relationship (and I’d probably have the same problem in all future relationships). I ended up reading a couple of books, and learning about women’s sex drives and doing the exercises changed my outlook on sex. I now enjoy doing it, look forward to it and make time for it. I’m not desperate for it and still go through periods where I just don’t want to but we do it happily and passionately 1-2 times a week which is a big improvement. Do you think you’d be open to reading a book or listening to a podcast?

Yes, OP, others have something similar.
I have gone off sex at 42 (not sure I was ever into it). Husband significantly older, married for 20 years. Now at 46, I'm very happy not to have sex ever again (no children). Offered husband an amicable divorce (separate assets, my own living place in another country as well) 😁 or opened marriage. Husband proclaimed our marriage and my happiness is more important than sex and that was it. If it wasn't, I would have been very happy to live by myself again.
All good, but by choice I won't touch another man with a bargepole.

Tell him he needs to get better at it

Felt exactly the same when mine were little and the bottom line is you only have sex if you want to have sex. Being pressured into having it, or guilt tripped, or just feeling like you have a duty to perform kills any sexual connection stone dead.

A few things could be going on. It could be hormonal and sounds like it might be. It could also be just exhaustion and being frustrated at being needed and having no personal space.

The answer in these cases is often very simple - he needs to do more grunt work. He's not pulling his weight. If he does more, you'll have more energy and he'll have less and hopefully you'll meet in the middle. Either you'll want more sex or he'll be so tired he'll stop wanting any.

At the moment, you're tired and he's setting himself up as a 'child' with another chore for you. It's only when he does more and makes more space for you to recharge that you'll see him as your equal.

Is he actually good at making you come? Does he give you an orgasm before penetration?

@Sera1989 can I ask re your experience
Do you think the reading/changing your outlook allowed you to REALLY enjoy sex and you’re glad you’ve done it becayse you’ve discovered something you’ve been missing out on?
Or it made having sex enjoyable enough that it’s not a chore anymore?

Genuine question because I’ve always wondered if doing that sort of work was about making one fit expectations of enjoying sex often enough or if it opens door to discovering something new iyswim.

I feel like the people focusing on his performance are either doing it for gratification purposes, or they have totally missed the point. It is fairly common for women to go off sex, and their partner more generally, when the children are young. And there are a number of factors for that, none of which involve the spouses performance

My friend did because her DH always wanted sex in one position which she didn’t really enjoy. She tried everything to get him to vary it but he wouldn’t so she stopped having sex with him.

It’s a combination between your age , perimenopause and the fact that you have 2 young children and a job. Not surprised g that you just want time to be yourself and not touched . I’m 47 and feel the same ( and have done for a few years) .
Husband would like more sex but rep cat my feelings. I think your DH needs to back off a bit and give you some time.

I agree with @CrispieCakeyour DH needs to step up. I had a similar issue - my H was too tired for parenting duties or ill but the one thing he was never too tired for was pestering me for sex. It was another source of resentment. No advice really op but agree a conversation might be a start.

@acrossit you asked about experiences.
Yes I’ve been exactly where you are. Including doing it because it keeps him happy.
I REALLY wouldn’t recommend it. It kills everything, including the attraction you had in the first place.

I also believe it was the sign of something bigger going on. Mainly that dh didn’t step up as much as he should have done. That I was the default parent AND still expected to ‘perform’ as a wife whilst his life carried on unchanged.
And underneath, a shed loads of expectations that never got voiced as such but were basically ruling our set up/interactions.
Its hard to feel like sex, to be intimate with someone you resent for various reasons during the rest of the day.

I relate somewhat OP. Shocked by how my sex drive has declined since having a child. In my case putting on weight, working full time and generally feeling low in confidence and knackered has also not helped.

In my case I've found that deliberately putting some time aside for intimacy and mutual attention - not scheduling sex, as I don't want to put pressure on it, but scheduling 'us time' - has been a game changer. It means I'm scheduling in time when neither me nor DH have other commitments and agree to focus on one another. It doesn't always lead to sex but helps me to feel sexier generally and more open to doing it as I no longer have the sense of needing to do a million other things.

But I wouldn't say I've ever gone so far as to dread sex exactly so it might be that there is a deeper loss of attraction and interest in your case, in which case that is harder to deal with. I also appreciate that with two kids rather than one and your DH's work schedule, protecting time for each other must be especially hard.

Yeah I’m not keen on those sorts of questions either - it does miss the point. I can’t imagine increasing my workload so to speak with exercises and I really, really don’t want to talk about it with DH. I know that’s what gets pushed but it would mean it was just so awkward …

This is completely normal. There’s nothing wrong with you and you don’t need fixing. You don’t have a hormonal imbalance or some other random condition stopping you from wanting to have sex. So so so many women go off sex and their husbands when they have small children.

I know exactly how you feel. It’s like your body is only there to service the people around you. You look after the kids all day, seeing to their every need, and then when they’re finally asleep you have to see to your husbands needs too. If you’re not in the mood, it just adds to the long list of never ending mental chores. There’s always something else I’d rather have been doing.

It has slowly got a little better as my children have got older (primary age now). I sometimes feel myself wanting to have sex, but definitely not as much before the kids.

Again, this is completely normal. There’s nothing wrong with you, you’re not broken, and don’t let other people make you feel like there is. Ask some of your close female friends, I’m sure this is more common than you think even amongst your own friend group.

You say you have a marking deadline for this Wednesday which you really need to prioritise, so tell him straight that you will not be having any sex at all until you’ve completed this work.
Then tell him what you have told us, that he is a fantastic bloke and you love him to bits but you are finding that having two young children is absolutely tiring you out and you are desperate for some chill time just for yourself.
Also mention that things should feel better for you when the eldest starts school in September.
At least then, he will understand where you are coming from and either help you more, give you some time to yourself and then hopefully you may naturally feel more like sex once a week…

They just don’t get it. I was exhausted enough with 2 little ones and I wasn’t in my 40s and wasn’t working! You poor thing.
It’s different for us, they have the strong urge to stick their dick in something, it feels good, they orgasm. We don’t really have the urges, we need to be in the mood, we get touched out, and more often than not it’s less than satisfying and no orgasm. Just let us fucking rest without having another job to do. Have a wank!

I felt exactly like this, I used to dread it and remember being in the bathroom for ages just trying to psych myself up to go out and do it. That probably sounds awful, but that's what it was like. It was always fine when we did it, but that didn't really help. And I felt like I really did have to do it for the sake of my marriage, even though I had no desire whatsoever.

For me, it was a host of reasons - exhaustion, resentment, lack of intimacy outside the bedroom, not feeling sexy, fear of another pregnancy, etc. But mainly, like it sounds for you, it was just one more thing that I had to do, that took away what little time I had to relax, and that honestly just felt like yet another need I had to meet.

So I get it, and definitely think it's within the normal spectrum.

I know exactly how you feel. It’s like your body is only there to service the people around you. You look after the kids all day, seeing to their every need, and then when they’re finally asleep you have to see to your husbands needs too

and

it was just one more thing that I had to do, that took away what little time I had to relax, and that honestly just felt like yet another need I had to meet.

have really summed things up. I’ve been up since 5 and I’m shattered after a broken night and I just desperately want to go to sleep.

Personally, I think you are doing well to be having it once a week give you have young children, are 45 (close to perimenopause?) and working as well.

It’s such an exhausting time. I actually felt better after menopause!