Husband wants more sex, I don’t, complains about it so much

[acrossit]

We Have two young kids (4 and 1) I’m overweight, woken multiple times in the night still, have two children demanding things every second of the day and I really I am starting to resent the bit of adult time I have to myself being taken over with husband wanting sex

That makes it sound like it’s all the time. It’s generally once a week. I don’t know if there are answers here, I can’t expect him to be celibate but equally I dread it.

How is a husband choosing to have sex the same as a wife not wanting to have sex?

in your scenario just how is jack doifn something he doesn’t want to?

The difference is between not doing something that you want to do and being forced to do something that you don’t want to do - can you genuinely not see the difference?

Memely
My post above is a reply to your question about whether marriage is a commitment or not. I hope it helps.

I don’t think I agree with this.

Firstly, OP’s husband is far from celibate.

But if you had a Christian wedding then the bows are ‘for better, for worse… in sickness and in health’ - not ‘as long as you put out on a regular basis’.

There are a million reasons why someone might not want or be able to have sex and it doesn’t give their spouse the right to cheat. If one spouse gets cancer and doesn’t feel well enough for sex, does that give the other spouse the automatic right to cheat?

Ignore the statistics on how frequently men DO leave or cheat when their wives get cancer - the question is whether that’s right or not.

@Memelydo you genuinely think that a man NOT having sex is worse than a woman having sex she does not want and actively does not enjoy?

because that is your position.

if you don't want to have sex with your husband, you have no right to even expect him to stay loyal

I would expect him to be loyal to the relationship in all its elements. It really is not all about sex.

@Memely "The flip side of that coin, however, is if you don't want to have sex with your husband, you have no right to even expect him to stay loyal (loyal to what?). If he does seek sex outside of the marriage - and I don't consider it cheating on this circumstance - you've lost the moral high ground, or even the right to feel aggrieved."

If you force yourself on someone sexually, you've not just lost the moral high ground, you are a rapist and a criminal.

And if you cheat, you completely discredit yourself morally. You're just another vapid entitled self-indulgent cake eater.

@Memely whats your position if the reason the wife doesn’t want to have sex is because the husband is so bad at it?

Yeah literally NO ONE believes you are a woman pal.

My point is that if your DH was a great lover then having sex with him would build your energy and not deplete it. So you being “too tired” for sex would not be a thing.

Errr.. nope.

The key difference between marriage (or any romantic relationship) and friendship is the sexual aspect. The fact that the couple are exclusively intimate with each other.

So it’s strange that people are happy to say marriage is a commitment to share fun and interests, to support each other’s pursuits, but somehow not to be there for each other’s intimate needs. Somehow the fundamental aspect becomes a maybe.

But for argument’s sake, let’s look at the commitment you do agree with. Are you saying a man or woman can force their spouse to take up a hobby they enjoy? That they can insist their spouse joins them in every activity they find fun?

Because to me, that sounds like coercion.

Yet you’ve said marriage is a commitment. So are you now advocating coercion?

So how about we leave out the loaded and toxic terms and ideas. Instead of focusing on what each spouse is entitled to take from the other, let’s talk about what each has committed to give.

And I think we can all agree that committing to your spouse doesn’t mean they now have the right to force you.

So maybe let’s just be honest and acknowledge that marriage is, in part, a commitment to meet each other’s intimate needs. Just like it’s a commitment to meet emotional or financial needs. This doesn’t mean the other spouse can demand it, but if we’re talking purely about obligations, then yes, when you get married, you obligate yourself to your spouse.

Should you have the right to deny another person their bodily autonomy to have sex with whomever they want?

Because when someone can't have sex outside of the relationship for fear of being thrown out, sulked at, caused financial hardship, denied seeing the kids every day etc, coercion is being used by the other spouse.

See my above post, it's not about what you can demand from your spouse, but what you have committed to when entering the marriage.

What does to have and to hold mean in the Christian vows? When you vow to have and to hold your spouse, what are you committing to do?

Nope. Someone who wants to stay in the marriage yet not be intimate with their spouse, is the ultimate self-indulgent cake eater.

If you don't want to meet your spouse's intimate needs, fine, it's your body. But then you should clearly give them permission to find it elsewhere (if they choose to remain married). Not to be there for them yet at the same time demand they stay exclusive (ie celibate) is the peak of narcissism.

I do think that you are missing the point - that marriage is made up of many things.

You have selected one of those things - sexual intimacy - as being predominant over all others and the absence of which means that the marriage fails.

I don't agree. There are many very happy marriages where there is little or no sexual activity.

You will get a gazillion answers telling you that he is being selfish.. (he is) .. but I am sorry to say that there is the ‘theory ‘ (in other words what is right and you should feel ) - and the there is the absolute and real outcome of not being interested.. infidelity, affair , heartbreak, jealousy.. having your kids somewhere else 50% of the time .. sorry but this is real life .. on HALF the money .. personally .. given the time again I would never put my kids or myself through that .. I would just go for it with enthusiasm.. says someone who used to go to bed at 9pm and pretend to snore

But sex is still fundamental to marriage.

Why else would most people not be bothered if their spouse engaged in a hobby or interest with another person, but it would be a deal breaker if they had sex with another person?

Eating meals can bring pleasure, put one in a good mood, be an opportunity to chat or do business and more. But the core purpose of food is still to provide nutrition.

Marriage is lots of things, but at its core it's about an exclusive sexual relationship.

I felt this way with my exh, got to the point I couldnt even force myself to do it. He went elsewhere and left me for her, although I'm sure its more than one thing, I do think sex was a big issue. I realise now that it was constant rejection for, and me not wanting to get close in case it turned in to him wanting sex. Since we split, I enjoy sex again. I think it was a me problem, bit I think deep down i wasn't happy, or in love or attracted to him anymore.

Chat GPT, I'd say.

Unfortunately, if you've gone off him, you probably won't ever really fancy him again sexually - at least not in the way you used to. Apparently women tend to go off their sexual partners around the 3 year mark, according to the Book What Do Women Want by Daniel Bergner, who looked at a lot of evidence including experiments to look into women's sexuality.

So it's not that women don't want sex, it's that they don't want sex with HIM and that kicks in for a lot of women around the 3 year mark. Introduce a new guy that they do fancy and the sex drive comes roaring back.

It's possible that if you do start to have regular sex with him again, use some toys and get him to stimulate you properly and you can physically enjoy it, you might get a bit of the old desire back. There is something to the phrase use it or lose it.

I am not suggesting you have sex that you dread, by the way, just trying to be practical in my comment.

It’s really annoying how much men want sex when you’re a working mother but it’s how they’re wired and they aren’t gonna change until their testosterone drops (and mine injects himself with more so I have years to go to that point!)
I fancy the arse off him though so I know I have to fit it in. Bit of advice, I find afternoon sex is easier to fit in mentally (if you can manage that, getting someone to watch the kids). Have lunch together or a walk, get yourself a sexy bodysuit (they look sexy on any figure) they’re dead cheap on eBay and put some heels on, it will make you feel
sexy and desirable and he will love it. He will last two minutes and bobs your uncle job is done 😂
I tell mine asking me for sex at bed time is a no no I’m knackered from the days tasks and he has no chance. Men will take sex anytime so choose the best time for you. I find mornings even easier than afternoons sometimes as I’m more relaxed and easier to enjoy also.

@proximalhumerous ummm your response is quite rude.