Husband wants more sex, I don’t, complains about it so much

[acrossit]

We Have two young kids (4 and 1) I’m overweight, woken multiple times in the night still, have two children demanding things every second of the day and I really I am starting to resent the bit of adult time I have to myself being taken over with husband wanting sex

That makes it sound like it’s all the time. It’s generally once a week. I don’t know if there are answers here, I can’t expect him to be celibate but equally I dread it.

"Quite apart from the tiredness and the hormones, that is what kills it dead for women too - the scales fall and you realise that love as women experience it - thinking about the loved one, prioritising their happiness, trying to understand their inner world and wanting to share yours - is not what men experience or anything like it. It is mostly about sex and getting their needs met. Which is all fine and good until a child comes along and is - bluntly - more important than you. As they should be. Then the man becomes a drain on resources which are already depleted and overstretched, as just the moment the woman most needs them to be a support. Nothing makes a vagina clamp shut faster."

Highlighted for emphasis for all those men feeling very sorry for themselves on this thread.

In families with small children, men should try ensuring that their partners get a week of uninterrupted nights of sleep, meals cooked for them, house cleaned to an acceptable standard and time 'off' from little people to recharge before they even mention sex.

If they haven't tried that, they should take a long, long hike imo.

I hate to say it but 3 of My male friends ,including myself , left one relationships and marriages because of this.

Men go off on physical rather than emotional interaction.

If the physical is lacking, we will reach a point of no return especially after communicating to no avail.

I am just putting it straight to you and I know I may get hate for this.

It's not hate, it's puzzlement, and a bit of pity, because you haven't worked it out yet. It's really not that hard.

I would rather be single forever than have sex I don’t want just to “keep” a man.

Anything less than really enthusiastic consent is not really consent, IMO, so a man who would want that is not a man I’d want anyway.

It is "fixable" in a lot of cases. All you need to do is treat your partner as a real person, with needs, whose welfare is important. Not as "Mummy" who is there to coddle you alongside the actual children or, worse, a convenient hole.

It is quite straightforward. You (both of you) meet the children's needs. Once you've met the children's needs together, you divide out the remaining tasks and resources, including leisure and rest time, between you. And then you'll hopefully both feel seen and appreciated.

Otherwise, I can imagine your ex waved you merrily while muttering "asshole" under her breath.

It's a shame for the kids, but really no children should grow up seeing one parent being treated like a domestic appliance with no needs of their own.

Your continued obtuseness on this matter just proves my earlier point. So many women are incapable of even fathoming how to have a conversation.

I can promise you, the high libido sex-starved partner could talk about the subject all day. Even listening to what your partner has to say about it is validating.

Things you could talk about:

• How rejection makes your husband feel
• Why she might have gone off sex
• Whether she still loves you and fancies you
• If there is ANYTHING at all sexual that your wife might be willing to participate in
• If there is anything the husband could do which might help matters
• Whether it might be temporary or permanent

I suppose all this assumes you don't actually hate your husband (but again, can't bring yourself to tell him. Probably because you know it will blow your family life apart).

This, all day long.

OP - I get it. I feel the same. We're working on it but I would echo everything you have written here.

I'm a woman and left a relationship because of this. We hadn't had sex in three years, I knew what my future looked like if I stayed with him. I hadn't signed up for life as a Nun.

It trashed my self confidence and took me a long time to leave because he made me think it was a "me" issue. When I tried to have a conversation about it, he didn't need to go to the GP, he was just tired and didn't fancy it. There's nothing more soul destroying than your partner making you feel undesirable.

My BIL left my sister because she was no longer willing to have sex. She is now in a one bedroom flat in a undesirable location. Meanwhile, he has already moved in with a woman 10 years his junior and I assume is having plenty of sex.

She is utterly miserable and never thought that he would leave her over a lack of sex. Mismatched sex drives makes a marriage very difficult.

Of course, if one doesn't want sex then that is fine, but don't expect a marriage to last.

Yes, that obvious dichotomy between unwanted sex and a one bedroom flat in an undesirable location. It’s like that Robert Frost GCSE poem all over again.

So many women are incapable of even fathoming how to have a conversation.

Is this your own experience, or have you found some data to base this on?

And again, I’d rather live alone - one bedroom flat or otherwise - then live with a man who expects me to have sex I don’t want.

You guys realise insisting on sex with an unwillingly partner is basically rape, right? You are essentially admitting to us all that you’d rather rape your wives than use your own hand to get off.

Princes among men, you lot.

Who are you addressing? I have read the full thread and I have seen nobody talk about "insisting on sex with an unwilling partner".

Good to hear it is not just a men thing, I feel better and To be frank, i expected rude responses to this.

Glad

personally, I did try to work it out but after 12 months of no intimacy , I checked out and then a further 8 trying to be heard and do whatever she said would make her be up for it. Shame because there is now a kid involved and I never wished to create a broken home

yep, atleast we agree, if not sex, one is better off single or detached from that relationship. I made the choice to exit and I have happily engaged to someone else who matches me.

in my case, she said it was all the work she had to do with baby during the day,
I got the child in nursery 3 days a week and in the evening i would get home, cook and put baby to sleep by myself, nothing changed.
I got a cleaner, who did laundry for us also and still, nothing changed
I took her out weekly, enbabled her to be a stay at home mum whilst doing admin for my business just to give her something to fill her boring days(her words)
ALL THAT , each improvement I did for weeks/months as suggested, she had another reason why she was not up for it.

Glad I checked out before my years were behind me, I have had the best 2 years of mylife elsewhere.

mismatched drives are one of the main reasons relationships break and no matter the excuse peopleb make to deny this fact, it is a woman/man issue, everyone faces it and they leave.

You are so right to bring up this example.

Can I go ahead and guess that “the baby” is now left mainly in your ex-wife’s care while you have the best years of your life?

You can go ahead but you cannot guess something you have no clue about.

We do have 50/50 custody and even if it was not, it is neither of our fault the relationship did not work out(she cannot help her drive)

@9ct I'm pleased you've had the best two years of your life, long may it continue. Fingers crossed for that.

I think it's hilarious that there are men out there thinking that they checked out and left a woman with no sex drive, and it was never to return again, ho hum, she was broken.

I can assure you, wholeheartedly, that the problem isn't her "drive".

Yeah… I think most of us would like to hear from @9ct ‘s ex.

Does he treat you well? Affectionate? Thoughtful? Considerate? Interested in you abd who you are as a person? Does his fair share of the unpaid shit work?

For the love of God, WHAT is so hilarious about this to you?

He's telling you all the things he tried, and there was no actual addressing the matter ever. Every time there just was another fresh excuse. So he eventually left, which I think is so brave, and must have been an incredibly hard decision with a young child. Imagine the shame. What does he tell his friends and family about why they divorced?

How much longer should he have waited? Perhaps if she'd been willing to be honest, vulnerable, understanding and sympathetic about it, they might still be together.

You get ONE life.

You can invalidate all you like, and tell me all about what a disgusting, vile and entitled creature you think I am. You've been doing it already, feel free to carry on.

But sexual connection is a natural and innate human desire, and no, wanking does not fulfil it.

Of course no husband has the right to help himself to his wife's body whenever he likes, or to expect her to be permanently and constantly sexually available to him. And anybody on here suggesting otherwise would get told to fuck right off by me, for one.

But, husband and wives DO agree, presumably enthusiastically, to become the ONLY people in the entire universe that CAN fulfil that desire for each other, forever. A huge commitment.

We always talk about what all the things wives don't owe their husbands.

When the answer is ALWAYS "no", in my opinion you DO owe your spouse some frankness and honesty on the matter.