Husband wants more sex, I don’t, complains about it so much

[acrossit]

We Have two young kids (4 and 1) I’m overweight, woken multiple times in the night still, have two children demanding things every second of the day and I really I am starting to resent the bit of adult time I have to myself being taken over with husband wanting sex

That makes it sound like it’s all the time. It’s generally once a week. I don’t know if there are answers here, I can’t expect him to be celibate but equally I dread it.

@Slimagain

I HATE this so much and I see it so much on these types of posts.

OP’s husband is NOT selfish. He wants to have sex with this wife ONCE a week. He is not a pest from the OP’s post.

What is selfish about being in a monogamous relationship and wanting to have sex ONCE A WEEK with your life partner who you find attractive?

@acrossit

If it is child overload that is taking your energy try to address that.
If it might be hormonal -
maybe have a talk with your GP.
If the sex is not satisfying - discuss that / arrange counselling.

It’s so unfair to force an otherwise loving partner into celibacy without at least trying to identify the issues.

Dont have sex that you dont want, of course.

I think it’s really important to say too that if you have gone off them ‘mentally’ or have a lot of resentments in there the chances are you will simply switch off physically - even if they are a good looking dude . The idea of just doing it to get it out the way isn’t always that easy if your sexual brain has switched off to that person - the problem is that you don’t always know if it’s a temporary thing and will come back, so people hang in there, as they often still care for and like the person but no longer feel ‘that way’ . It’s easy to say just split, but more nuanced than that in real life and quite often the other person doesn’t want to split, they just want you to feel the same - which isn’t always possible- so people just bumble along

This is totally me, that consenaul unwanted sex but it's like multiple times a week... Like I'll put out the night before and the next morning at 5am his dick is hard and he's wanting morning quickie or head. Worst part about this is there is no end. I've tried to express myself, how it's too much how I'd ok with less frequent like 1-2 times a week but he needs the sex to "fill his bucket" cause he doesn't feel like there is enough of the other intimacy (sexy text messages, more physical contact, etc). Also, he blames me and says my sex drive is low and I have hormone issues. For the record I'm 39 with two young kids... I don't think that's a hormone issue when this problem has existed for years... It's just now that I'm tired of it and realized that it creates resentment cause I give in to something I don't want to do... We are in the process of separating and sex is a big part of it but I flip flop back and forth. It's an awful feeling.

I agree I think it’s a very bad idea to have sex if you don’t want to out of a sense of obligation. Maybe sex therapy could help you rediscover your desire for your husband?

The problem here is that sex is the only one of the many things that make up a marriage that you can't ethically seek outside of the marriage. You can take part in companionship, emotional support, deep conversations, shared interests, even childraising and financial support from a variety of people if it's not possible for you to get them in your marriage.

Nobody has a right to sex from anybody in any situation, but I don't see the point in pretending physical closeness (I don't just mean sex here, even though most sexless marriages are also touchless) is a minor, replaceable thing in a relationship when it's arguably the one thing that defines what a romantic relationship is.

An edit to address the second part of your point - yes there are many loving and close marriages where sex is not present, but this is almost always due to either growing old or something health related, or within the early postpartum years where for exhaustion and other reasons it's just off the table. There are virtually no mutually happy marriages where sex has never been present.

I was in a similar place where my partner seemed distant and distracted, and I found out he was spending loads of time watching hentai anime. It really affected how I felt about our intimacy and made it harder to connect. We ended up having to really talk openly about expectations and emotional needs, not just sex drive, which helped way more than constantly feeling pushed or guilty.