Find DH physically unattractive

[Scillygirlz]

My DH is a great guy. Funny, kind, hard working, good co-parent etc. But over the last few years he has really let himself physically. He was slim, now he is obese. He never exercises. He just looks a state.

He used to care about his appearance, now he is a scruff bag. Yesterday for example he went out in a dirty old tshirt which he often sleeps in, then kept it on and slept in it. He is still in it now.

All of these things are his prerogative and I’d never tell another person to conform to my standards in that way. He has a stressful job and I think he just can’t be arsed / hasn’t got the time or energy to worry about how he looks. But I just no longer find him physically attractive. I’m actually pretty repulsed by him.

I’m not asking him to be Mr Stylish. Just to lose a bit of weight and wear clothes than don’t make him look like a tramp.

What would you do? I can’t just ‘leave’ for many reasons. I feel that talking to him would cause a lot of upset. But our marriage is broken because of this. We haven’t had sex in a long time because I just don’t fancy him at all. Even a hug or a kiss makes me die inside a bit.

Since my fiancé and I got together he's put a fair bit of weight on (approx 6 stone), and I've put a few stone on as well (but I have had 2 children, it's my excuse and I'm sticking to it!).

I still fancy him just as much as I did at the start, and he does me. Because I love him and he loves me.

Op I'd say this is more the fact that you've fallen out of love with your husband, but as you've already said you feel you can't leave.

If he lost weight and started making more effort would you REALLY still want to be with him?

I think this is the question you need to ask yourself.

I feel for you but I'm sorry, you need to speak to your husband about this. At the very least, he needs to know how you feel, and it might be quite enlightening for you as well if he opens up

Can you imagine if this was reversed.?..the pile on would be phenominal.
Awful post

There's no need to picture a scenario where the imaginary OP is male and his spouse is female, because multiple people have already condemned this OP's way of describing her husband and their situation, and some have gone further than that to use words like disgusting and suggest that her reluctance to leave because she is afraid her children will no longer have access to the same/similar level of financial comfort borders on "financial abuse".

Responses that only focus on "what if the sexes were reversed", unless the sex of the people in question is highly relevant to the issue, are not helpful.

You won't talk to him, not even to find out if there's something wrong/he's depressed, he - gasp- wore a dirty tshirt a few times so now you can't stand him???
But you love his money and the lifestyle - and the kids will have to put up with their mother despising their father...because they will pick up on it.
You're spoilt and disgustingly venal and I hope he realises that one day.

You sound extremely materialistic. Your kids will be happier with a smaller house, fewer extra curricular activities and a father who isn't depressed. Do you work? I think it's obvious your husband needs to "downsize" his very stressful job. How can you help him with this? Could you earn more? Could you cut your outgoings? I feel very sorry for your husband. You say if you spoke to him about this he would " retreat into himself upset and tearful". Clearly you have some evidence in his recent behaviour that would lead you to this conclusion, yet you insist he isn't really depressed because he continues to go through the motions of meeting all his obligations. I feel deeply sorry for him and am full of admiration that he continues to do what everyone else expects of him despite struggling.

Why is this all about you? You don’t want to have a difficult conversation to find out if your partner is ok? Get over the communication issues and talk about it - I think the fact you don’t love your husband appears to be more concerning than what he looks like.

This is such unbelievable projection. Let me just clarify the many many things you have wrong in just your short reply:

1. I never said that I ‘despise’ him. I just don’t find him physically attractive.

2. The lack of attraction isn’t because of the t-shirt incident alone. It’s the weight gain, the lack of care, the general slovenliness over months and years.

3. It’s not ‘his’ money. It’s family money. I out earn him and put down the deposit on our house using my own money. If we separate he would be in a far worse position financially than me. But I am actually concerned not with him or me but the family, particularly the kids who would definitely suffer in terms of lifestyle. I maintain that this is a perfectly reasonable thing to be concerned about, and in fact I’d be negligent not to be.

4. The kids may have to put up with me finding their father unattractive (again, not ‘despising’ him) but it is reasonable to weigh up whether this is better or worse than splitting up.

”Spoilt and disgustingly venal” is your opinion but I suspect given the correct context most would disagree.

You need to be discussing this with your husband not strangers on the internet.

How is he meant to know there’s something wrong and something to possibly fix if you aren’t talking about it.

Have you actually read the replies on this thread?? 😂Talk to your poor husband and stop being so self-centred. No sympathy here for you.

Not looking for sympathy, just correcting your many misapprehensions.

No - you're simply playing the victim. Hopefully you'll be back on here in a couple of years when he leaves you for someone more worthwhile and less grasping. No doubt you'll be playing the victim again. Good luck on Tinder.

Think you've hit a nerve with some posters who perhaps have let themselves go too...

I think I’ve hit a nerve with some posters who think that marriage is black and white with no complications, grey areas or nuance.

@Scillygirlz ,

How much do you work?

Have you got your eye on (or more) someone else?

I think the OP is getting an unnecessarily hard time.

It takes courage to admit to oneself that the marriage you thought you had isn't what you have now. It's hard to admit that you don't find your partner attractive anymore, but it's very common. Some people choose to stay in a love-less or sex-less marriage, for the very reasons that OP describes, that it's hard to deal with the financial and emotional fallout of a divorce.

It's also possible that her husband isn't depressed. It's possible that he's just let himself go. It's also possible that he is depressed, but hasn't done anything about it despite encouragement. But knowing that your husband is / or could be depressed isn't a reason to stay in a marriage when the love and attraction has gone.

Helping your depressed husband find a way forward is the right thing to do, and it might be that a way forward is ending the marriage. I speak from experience here now that I know my ex was depressed because he couldn't be who he wanted to be in the marriage and is now better out of it.

I do think OP that you need to think long and hard though about if it's the right thing to stay in your marriage, if you definitely will never find him attractive again. Worrying about the financial fallout isn't a good enough reason to keep going. It will be hard, as I mentioned in my earlier reply, but it's not insurmountable.

Have you thought about couples counselling?

Hmmmm… just trying to imagine this in reverse. Don’t want my wife to be Mrs Stylish but just want her to lose weight and wear clothes that don’t make her look like a tramp… yeah, not very impressive the other way round is it? Poor bloke.

Not really both points would be valid, most people aren’t attracted to people who wear dirty clothes and don’t take care of themselves, male or female

In 90% of this type of thread, the OP is either having an affair or at least contemplating one.

They want posters to justify this and they know they won’t get what they want if they are upfront about having their head turned.

If you want the marriage to survive, and I can absolutely understand why you do, then you need to talk to him. I know he will find this difficult, anyone would, but it has to be done.

YANBU

You didn’t sign up to be with someone who has turned out to be a dirty tramp who doesn’t look after his wellbeing.

This has an effect on the whole family not just him.

Its time to (kindly) lay it out on the table.

Good luck 💐

For me I could live with someone letting themselves go as long as the personal hygiene is there. My dh has gained a few lbs and he’s not the gym goer he once was, but he’s in his 60s now so it’s expected (tbh I’ve also gained a fair bit of weight so it’s a case of glass houses here). But I couldn’t cuddle or kiss him if he was wearing a tshirt he’d slept in the night before.

Maybe try and talk to him, but phrase it another way. Tell him you’re concerned he might be depressed, or just fed up. You’ve noticed him wearing T-shirts that he slept in and he’s gained a bit of weight. You’re worried about his health for you and the kids, you don’t want him to die prematurely. You could suggest counselling for him, maybe suggest you both go out on walks more, maybe join a gym. Or is his job getting him down etc

Rather than going in with ‘you’re a fat sod, lose weight and have a shower’ phrase it out of concern for him, but also you and the dc want him around for years to come. Makes it a much easier conversation.

You also need to have a think about how much you want this relationship, if he suddenly transformed into a Brad Pitt lookalike, would you still want to be with him?

Whilst I agree that’s this was reversed there would be an outcry imo this is because it is the woman that is taking most of the housework/wifework burden. In this scenario I suspect the OP is working full time (earning more - although earnings shouldn’t be relevant) and I bet is doing most of the family/house work. I suspect she is maxed out and doesn’t have the bandwidth.

If this were a man posting about his wife would posters be advising him to say ‘I’m putting a wash in, let me put that t shirt in’, ‘oh look love here’s a clean shirt why don’t you put that on. No, they bloody wouldn’t. This thread is dripping with sexist views. Women always expected to take on the be kind/mothering role. There is a difference between being supportive and taking over/motheting.

Whilst I agree with showing care to your partner as another poster said, you can’t change someone you can only change how you react to them. My DH has become a bit like this and I simply tell him that he looks scruffy or smells. Me and the children always make an effort so it stands out when he’s scruffy. I don’t like buying him clothes, he doesn’t like what I like, it’s up to him what he wears, it’s so easy to order stuff online so that’s his job. As regards eating my DH seems to think he can eat like our teenager but can’t hence weight gain. He eats unhealthily whilst the rest of us pile our plates with veg and salad. It’s not my job to control what he eats, I want snacks so will buy them - up to him to control his eating like I have to control mine. He’s lost weight previously and knows, like I do, what to do. Women are not responsible for their partners eating and weight even if they do the majority of shopping/cooking.

I’m very direct and would handle this by asking him if he’s ok, telling him that his T-shirt smells/looks scruffy and letting him know if he needs help I’m there. But I would not start assuming and taking over. Let’s face it it may just be he’s happy living like this and doesn’t care!

Wow... I just went through the exact same thing in my marriage; except I am that husband. Married 12 years, with a beautiful daughter, and our life revolves around her. Both of us have stressful jobs but I started gaining weight. So much so, that wife started to resent my looks... I WISH SHE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME... even though you would expect me to see it in the mirror, wife kept saying how much she loves me and cares for me. You don't see the change if you look at yourself every day, even though you realized what is happening. Well... she was on a business trip, and ended up cheating on me with a younger guy who was very fit... Actually, two occasions... Yeah... One of the things that came out of our marriage postmortem was that she had lost attractiveness to me, as I had gotten fat and overall did not take care of myself. I so wish that my wife had told me that she was losing attraction to me. Maybe it would have hurt me a bit, but I would have immediately taken steps to remedy the situation and work towards improving myself. Now, I know that wasn't the only thing, and not even the primary issue why my wife cheated, but it was a factor I could have controlled. Sometimes all we need is a little wakeup call... and a wife saying to her husband that she is losing attractiveness (and probably respect, but don't say that) for him is going to wake him up.

So, be gentle and have an open discussion with your husband. Do it in a therapy session, with a counselor guidance if that is what is needed. Maybe go to the counselor for a solo session to discuss the issue beforehand, before bringing your husband there. Don't let yourself grow resentful towards him as it will do a lot more damage in the long run.

Reading through these posts I must take issue with the thought that children need ‘a lifestyle’ - children need consistency, love and being engaged with both parents. Anything else is just fancy icing.
I do think your DH sounds depressed. Maybe not clinically but certainly bowed down by the constant pressure of providing ‘a lifestyle’ perhaps?
I’m married to a - thankfully clean - scruff. But I tell him that he looks so when he should be looking better. I get clothes out for him to relieve him of making a choice (he genuinely does seem able to). But at home what does it really matter?
I never cease to be aghast at the recommendations to leave - can you not see his worth other than judging his appearance? There is no mention of his failings otherwise. We all have challenging episodes in life. Help him through. I’d also ask you to think about the potential challenge that menopause may hold for you.