Find DH physically unattractive

[Scillygirlz]

My DH is a great guy. Funny, kind, hard working, good co-parent etc. But over the last few years he has really let himself physically. He was slim, now he is obese. He never exercises. He just looks a state.

He used to care about his appearance, now he is a scruff bag. Yesterday for example he went out in a dirty old tshirt which he often sleeps in, then kept it on and slept in it. He is still in it now.

All of these things are his prerogative and I’d never tell another person to conform to my standards in that way. He has a stressful job and I think he just can’t be arsed / hasn’t got the time or energy to worry about how he looks. But I just no longer find him physically attractive. I’m actually pretty repulsed by him.

I’m not asking him to be Mr Stylish. Just to lose a bit of weight and wear clothes than don’t make him look like a tramp.

What would you do? I can’t just ‘leave’ for many reasons. I feel that talking to him would cause a lot of upset. But our marriage is broken because of this. We haven’t had sex in a long time because I just don’t fancy him at all. Even a hug or a kiss makes me die inside a bit.

Again maybe however maybe they are both very respectful and amicable in the home and just not having sex. Maybe her children are happy and thriving right now and she’s scared to change that.

Pretty hard to hide repulsion.

I’m not sure, I know two exes who still holiday with the children, they are friendly but she’d be repulsed by the thought of being intimate.

You seem very keen to agree with what the OP is doing (or not doing). Two exes? Who’s ‘she’ in that scenario?

I guess they’re exes for a reason then?

My friend. Is am not keen to agree I just do not think she is a horrible person for worrying about upsetting her children’s lives. Life is very complex, we’re not getting a full picture from a few of her messages.

But the people you know are exes. For a good reason by the sounds of it. She isn’t around him enough for their children to pick up on the repulsion. They sensibly called it a day.

Are you the OP?

I have never said the OP is horrible btw, maybe you’re mixing me up with another poster.

No im definitely not, I am just saying lots of couples stop having sex, aren’t physically attracted at points in their relationship but the children are not aware. I know it wasn’t you that said that, I am just reacting to you saying that I’m keen to stick up for her

Ok. Well the OP will do what she needs to do. She came asking for advice though and seems very upset that this is her life for the next 10 years….

I didn’t say you were ‘sticking up for her’. That would imply she feels (or you feel) that she’s under attack.

yip, it’s a really hard decision, hopefully they communicate or she finds the strength and finances to leave for both of their sakes

If you are only staying with your husband for financial reasons whilst the children are young, u are using him which is very unfair. U need to address the issues with him

She doesn't have to look exactly like she did when they met, the important thing is putting in the effort to be healthy and active rather than letting yourself go.

The attraction part is one thing but you also want your spouse to be healthy and be around for longer rather than keel over and die early.

My point is, everyone ages. You're in for a nasty shock if the major value factor in your relationship is being attractive.

What if one of you has a serious health problem which affects your looks (some treatments - chemo for example - are terribly aging due to the trauma of it on the body)? Or god forbid, what if surgery renders you unattractive? Is that love and sex gone because they're now not what you signed up for?

Don't be so shallow.

its not what someone looks like that’s unattractive it’s them not trying or making an effort, as I said I am overweight due to a health condition but I eat healthy, exercise and look after myself, I shower daily and wear clean clothes, my partner is attracted to me but if I was skinny overweight, not eating well , not exercising or wearing clean clothes I am sure he wouldn’t feel the same, there nothing shallow about it

Well, of course, that is a different situation.

If you use the analogy of a new mum though. Probably smells of baby sick. Might not get to wash her hair or sometimes change her clothes because she's busy with the new baby. Or, someone who is ill physically, and just doesn't feel up to it.

Then take those two ideas of someone just trying to cope and translate that into depression, which it sounds as if this guy might have. Quite cold to judge him.

Of course, the OP might just no longer want to be married. Which isn't an issue. But she needs to own it.

You’re right. It is pretty impossible to maintain two houses after divorce without changing something. So if you separate you have to accept that things have to change. I had to divorce my ex husband and wept buckets for how much the children’s lives would have to change. It’s now 5 years later. And their lives have changed, but the children have survived and thrived. They do fewer after school clubs. They’re actually happier for it. I do a second job (I was full time before. Now I do 65 hours a week). This means I could keep the family house. I’ve sacrificed a lot. But what I haven’t sacrificed is my dignity. I couldn’t stay in a fake marriage just for the money. I have a new relationship. I have found intimacy again. I feel alive. The children are happy. If you find your partner unattractive and die inside when you kiss, it’s time to move on.

If it were my husband I would have given him a cuddle, tell him I love him but I feel like he’s struggling a bit and I want to help. But I actually like my husband. I think the fact that you can’t even communicate properly is a massive part of the problem. No trust.

I'm not really sure why you've posted here, OP? If you've made the choice to stay so the kids can keep their lifestyle, that's absolutely your decision, but there will be many on here (me included) who believe that adults shouldn't stay in relationships they're unhappy in, and that children DO suffer when that happens, even if you don't notice and even if the impact doesn't show up until they're in adulthood. That means many posters will just get frustrated at your 'whingeing' when you're not prepared to do anything about it. Have you got friends/family you can moan to about not fancying him, or even a therapist?

I think a lot of posters are projecting here OP. It is perfectly valid to no longer feel attracted to someone who is overweight and seemingly doesn't care to make an effort for you. Unless you voice your concerns, you will be so repulsed by your husband there will be no saving your marriage. Give him the chance to work on himself before it is too late. It is important to be attracted to your other half!

well he sounds depressed and 7 pages in i'm sure most have picked up on that.

shirts clothing; my dh sometimes needs to have spots stains and tears pointed out before we go out. i will have something in mind for him to change into to make the switch easy.
fave t-shirts and pull overs no problem by 2 of each. discard them when beyond hope. because 40+ years in, nice new stuff that fits and feels great; will be worn in the garage to paint, ratty pants "saved" for garage outdoor tasks will be worn when he decides to do a quick trip to home depot, and a quick meet up with friends.
work wear aside my dh is meticulous with shower/personal care and dental appointments.
just suggest quick changes when appropriate.

I think you sound quite awful actually! I get it to a certain degree, but your lack of empathy and understanding for your partner is worrying. Frankly I think he might be better off without you. At least he would know what the score was. Just learn some empathy and speak to him in that manner.

Talking to him would cause upset? It’s part of being in a relationship! You can’t skirt round problems, especially those which are impacting you so much. It might well cause upset but it’s the only way to move forward!

Sounds like he needs help. Getting away from you might help him.