Find DH physically unattractive

[Scillygirlz]

My DH is a great guy. Funny, kind, hard working, good co-parent etc. But over the last few years he has really let himself physically. He was slim, now he is obese. He never exercises. He just looks a state.

He used to care about his appearance, now he is a scruff bag. Yesterday for example he went out in a dirty old tshirt which he often sleeps in, then kept it on and slept in it. He is still in it now.

All of these things are his prerogative and I’d never tell another person to conform to my standards in that way. He has a stressful job and I think he just can’t be arsed / hasn’t got the time or energy to worry about how he looks. But I just no longer find him physically attractive. I’m actually pretty repulsed by him.

I’m not asking him to be Mr Stylish. Just to lose a bit of weight and wear clothes than don’t make him look like a tramp.

What would you do? I can’t just ‘leave’ for many reasons. I feel that talking to him would cause a lot of upset. But our marriage is broken because of this. We haven’t had sex in a long time because I just don’t fancy him at all. Even a hug or a kiss makes me die inside a bit.

Would he be open to you choosing clothes for him? I love choosing stuff for my bf (plus I’m right about what suits him and so far it’s always a win).

@Scillygirlz please do talk to him - just because he has an active social life and sporting interests doesn’t mean that he is not. Depression presents in different forms- I work out, try to take care of my appearance, work full time etc however I suffer silently- breakdowns, panic and anxiety attacks and I have no one in real life to ask if I’m ok. Appearances neat or sloppy doesn’t give you the whole story/ have a chat and see if he needs help

You can’t change other people, you can only change how you react to them.

A couple of questions OP. If he lost weight and spruced himself up a bit, would you leave him anyway? Do you think his appearance is just the tin hat on an otherwise dead relationship? Also, surely he must be aware of the physical and emotional distance that has grown between you? You say he repulses you and you haven't had sex for a long time. I'd know if I was repulsing my spouse, so I imagine he is very well aware. In which case, would he really be that shocked if you spoke to him (kindly and respectfully obviously).

Ozempic

So if he loses weight and dresses nicely you will suddenly find him attractive again especially as he has money.
Wow.

Maybe you should try to separate all the issues in your mind?

IF he lost weight, got his pride back, sorted out his hygiene, would you be attracted to him and want sex with him then?

Because if that is the only issue, I think you're being a bit shallow.

However, I suspect what has actually happened is that you no longer want to be with him in general, and the appearance thing is just the obvious element of that. In which case, leaving is really the only option, unless you want to stay living together as roommates for the rest of your life. You'd also need to consider how fair to him that was as well.

I could have wrote this post op! Keep making suggestions. I do this he starts doing some exercises then stops. Hairs a mess just fed up with it. It's not nice when they just don't seem to care about their appearance. It's not lack of being clean, washes everyday but can't be bothered to cut hair, shave or do some exercise. I sometimes feel cruel but how many times can you make suggestions to someone that doesn't listen. It's hard but you think they would get the hint when you don't want to have sex with them anymore.

This is such an interesting post. My DH similar in attitude to clothes. To him they don’t matter at all. But as with you, it does affect attraction when it makes them look dirty and unkempt. My DH also thinks showering once a week is excessive.
sorry I’ve no advice. I think I’m watching thread for ideas.

Go on a diet together 🙂

Try talking to him. Think about it. It can't get worse than it is now. Tell him that you'd like him to be healthier because you're worried about him dropping dead (men of a certain age have heart attacks) and you'd miss him. Ask him to exercise with you, a joint venture together type of thing.

See what he says to a positive loving togetherness type of chat. Start there

All of these things are his prerogative and I’d never tell another person to conform to my standards in that way.

I disagree with this.
I think it affects you too if you're sharing a house/bed with him and especially if he'd like you to be having sex.

I think it's ok for you to ask if he's ok because his self care seems to have slipped, and take it from there.

Weight is a tricky one, but clothing should be easy to deal with so I’d start with that. With my DP I would be quite blunt - ‘you’re not going to wear that dirty old t-shirt out are you? It looks terrible, find something else!’. Then, buy him nice clothes for Christmas and birthdays.

Read your first sentence. Do you really mean that. If you did you would try Nd find a way to talk to him. The conversation should not be about his appearance, it should be about you are worried about him. He clearly isn't looking after himself so you should be asking why.

You don't love him if you can't even enjoy a hug or a kiss. You need to discuss this with him, or didn't you mean any of your wedding vows?

Just tell him, with a clean t-shirt in your hand.

I think this is a bit unfair. Romantic love is strongly tied to attraction. You can love someone as a friend but not many people want to be intimate with someone they have no attraction to.

There must be bigger issues at play here than just his appearance surely. Seems a bit extreme to be considering leaving because of this.

Write him a letter? Check the tone via chat gbt ( I do this when talking to school as the senco can get very offended if you say "please can you" it's got to be "mutually beneficial if you could consider" ie so bland that she she doesn't come back with the "we must work together" chat gbt has stopped that nonsense).

Just say I don't feel comfortable talking to you f2f as I am not trying to upset or offend I want to help and it's coming from concern and love.

Ie a bit like my example. That might not be your reason. But tone is everything.

I tell my dh he smells sometimes as he has a physical job sometimes falls into bed without a shower. He gets a tiny bit hurt but I follow it up it with it's better coming from me than his boss or colleagues. If I can't tell him who will? He has a agreement with me to do a foot peel at the first whiff of cheesy feet now. The more you talk. The easier it is.

As you haven't even had a conversation with him, this is all very harsh.

Your married and have children, you should he able to have a conversation, have you had your head turned and are weighing up your options??

He should know how you feel.. this is how people walk away from a marriage and dont look back, leaving the other blindsided and broken, because they dont bring them into decisions and make their mind up before having conversations.

Without meaning to be a contrarian, sometimes people let themselves go when their partners have done the same. You say you're not overweight, but do you have a soft enough face, smell nice, no facial hair etc?
Also would you be ok with your DH spending more time exercising ? May sound like a silly question, but so many Mumsnetters moan about their husbands being fat, yet will also complain about being gym widows or golf widows.

Also, please don't anyone suggest for him to 'go for walks'. Walking won't do much.

Soft enough face and smell nice? Wtf.

All of these things are his prerogative and I’d never tell another person to conform to my standards in that way.

It absolutely is your prerogative, to tell him not to sit around in a filthy t shirt for several days. With the hot weather he must stink. You don't need to make a massive issue just say it's high time, you changed that t shirt.

Asked for the rest if you can't communicate without him.Becoming tearful and withdrawn than I don't think you have much of a marriage to save.

Approach his weight from a health point of view, it is probably valid and better than saying you don't fancy him.

Adding a few pounds and a few wrinkles is very different to going from slim to obese. That’s extreme and many people (myself included) would find that very difficult to be sexually attracted to.

But yes, he does sound depressed so speak to him and see what can be done to get him back on track (both mentally and physically). Do what you can to help him achieve this for whatever amount of time you feel appropriate. If he refuses to do anything about it you wouldn’t be unreasonable to leave.

But YANBU to feel this way.