Find DH physically unattractive

[Scillygirlz]

My DH is a great guy. Funny, kind, hard working, good co-parent etc. But over the last few years he has really let himself physically. He was slim, now he is obese. He never exercises. He just looks a state.

He used to care about his appearance, now he is a scruff bag. Yesterday for example he went out in a dirty old tshirt which he often sleeps in, then kept it on and slept in it. He is still in it now.

All of these things are his prerogative and I’d never tell another person to conform to my standards in that way. He has a stressful job and I think he just can’t be arsed / hasn’t got the time or energy to worry about how he looks. But I just no longer find him physically attractive. I’m actually pretty repulsed by him.

I’m not asking him to be Mr Stylish. Just to lose a bit of weight and wear clothes than don’t make him look like a tramp.

What would you do? I can’t just ‘leave’ for many reasons. I feel that talking to him would cause a lot of upset. But our marriage is broken because of this. We haven’t had sex in a long time because I just don’t fancy him at all. Even a hug or a kiss makes me die inside a bit.

If you don’t want to be brutal, can’t you at least say something like “Weren’t you wearing that t-shirt yesterday, and you slept in it, and you’re still wearing it”?

I would be repulsed, too, but I also agree with others that he sounds depressed

I quite often want the t-shirt I've worn all day to bed and on days I'm really stressed and busy I wear it for the morning dog walk too, pre-shower. It's usually when I'm too tired and pissed off to care.

You don't sound like you care for this man.

You can still do everyday things when depressed.

There is a photo on me on holiday with wife and friends a few years ago. I was trying on silly sunglasses and goofing around, smiling, pulling stupid faces for the camera. At the time that photo was taken, I didn't want to be alive anymore and not a single soul knew, no one.
My depression was kicking my arse and no one had a clue.
It very much sounds like he isn't well and this needs exploring before being brushed off so easily by someone not in his head

He sounds like he is struggling mentally, all the things you have described is pointing to him needing help. You need to talk to him. Don't brush it off as 'he doesn't care'

He could be masking depression. I was the same.. doing everything expected of me and going about my business. Hiding everything from my kids and husband. Until one day I wasn’t and ended up on a psych ward. He really does sound depressed. If you can’t speak to him without him retreating and crying that’s a massive sign. He needs help.

Could you help him by stealth? for example he's gained weight, could you look at the foods you're eating as a family and improve nutrition? work out together? buy him clothes that fit and flatter his new body shape?

I look after my husband and would take dirty shirt off him and pass him clean one.
I also buy him most of the clothes for birthdays, Christmas so he always wears nice stuff.
As for not being able to talk without him getting upset and crying. How can you not see this man is struggling?

Hopefully you can persuade him to seek medical help and he can again become someone you want to be with.
Also why not suggest taking up sport as couple, tennis, go to fun gym classes like Body combat where there are blokes too. Do it together as couple.
It's sad for both of you that you are staying only for financial reasons.

Not always!!!

Yikes - for better or worse hey?

Maybe try speaking to him and not just saying communication isn’t your strong point.
Marriage is a team effort, sounds like he needs your support.

Some grt advice…give him washed clothes etc…talk to him, tell him YIU understand he is under stress , work together to help him get over it…do t despise him..start going out together for walks etc, maybe join gym? Support him…cuddles etc…be little more affectionate, at moment maybe he is sensing you don’t want him near you?

Thing is, if the worst it’s ever got is wearing a T-shirt for too long, most people would overlook this or make a little comment or dig about it. He’s over weight but clean, hygienic and lots of good points that you’ve mentioned.

The issue is more you are not attracted to him, you ‘die inside’, that’s more than not liking the external, that’s not being attracted to him as a whole and you’re saying you ideally would like to leave but can’t communicate this or afford to. It’s bigger than his weight and grubby T-shirt but these things add to it. I’m in a similar situation where I can’t quite voice that I want to leave and worry about DC… you need to start really thinking and making a plan for leaving, so that the option becomes less daunting and impossible, step by step… I’m planning away.

But, again, what is there left to say?

Presumably you are both unhappy at a lack of physical intimacy. Could talking to him actually make you more unhappy, even if it's uncomfortable. Let him know that you are worried about him, you feel he isn't taking care of himself. Remind you both of the things you used to like, admire, love about him.

It sounds like you guys need marriage counselling. Your husband sounds depressed and they will be a safe place for you both to talk and work through your feelings.

I think you owe it to him to talk about it. You took marriage vows and have children together. It might seem hurtful but much worse to leave him thinking he’s ok till you tell him you are leaving him.

I think when you have children you have to consider the massive financial impact this could have. I think that’s what she means.

These options come across very accusatory and I doubt he’d respond favourably to OP being so blunt, especially if he is struggling with his mental health. Try the good old, ‘’Are you okay, love?’’ ‘’Yes, why?’ ‘’Oh, it’s just that I’ve noticed a change in you recently that seems out of character and I’m a bit concerned’’ then go from there.

If you spoke to him and he lost weight and paid more attention to his appearance, would you want to stay, or are you done regardless of what changes he makes?

Your OP said he was a ‘scruff bag’. One incident does not constitute a scruff bag,

He needs to take responsibility for how own actions. Speak to him about getting help. If he doesn’t change divorce him. I doubt many men would be hanging round.

I do that sometimes if I’m not leaving the house until later in the day and can’t be bothered to shower in the morning. I don’t like putting on fresh clothes when I haven’t showered. So will only change once I’ve showered (I do shower daily mind but sometimes it might be in the afternoon)

When a job is stressful, your whole life becomes stressful and it’s hard to enjoy or have time and energy for much else, including self care. I imagine if he fixes the work-life balance you’ll find he wants to take care of himself, go to the gym, as he’ll have much more mental energy and time to do so.

Can you talk as a family about what steps you can take to alleviate his work pressure. That might mean changing jobs to one with set hours or in a more relaxed sector/ going down to 4 days a week etc. Is he the breadwinner and do you work?

I feel the same tbh. My partner has put on about 4 stone since we met 3.5 years ago. He has no regard for health, showers every 2-3 days, never eats with us as a family because he’d rather just eat McDonald’s or pizza everyday, sex is essentially non existent now (well, once a month) because he literally cba. He won’t even walk to the corner shop, he’ll take the car. When we met he was fit, active, attractive. He’s obviously aged slightly too (the odd wrinkle, hair loss etc which absolutely does not bother me)

He’s definitely not depressed. In fact, he’s pretty happy with his lifestyle but it just feels miles away from the way I live and portray myself. It’s a hard position to be in

The t-shirt thing wouldn’t bother me personally, but if you feel that your husband is no longer the man you loved, then it is only fair to you and to him to separate. ‘Staying for the money’ is shallow, and your children should not have to see your dislike for your husband every day… and believe me, they will see it.

As others have said he sounds down on himself. Lack of self care is a red flag for low mood. He’s not doing this to piss you off but the impact on you is understandable. There are things that you can do to support him. Don’t nag, don’t shame him….he will know about this and shaming him won’t help fix it or your relationship.
You can make personal hygiene easier for him ….”Hey I have a nice fresh T shirt here you might like to slip on…” “I’m about to kick off a wash, how abouts I stick that shirt through the machine”….so you can do this without embarrassing him and HE will feel a bit better for feeling physically fresher etc.
The other thing you can do is lead by example. But without nagging or pressuring him. So, for example after dinner “I’m going to take a walk for 30 mins take in some air, do you want to join me?” ….if he declines …go anyway. Keep going. Again and again. It’s proven that it can take about 6 months for someone to “click” into changing their behaviour this way until eventually they get up and decide to do it for themselves. When he does eventually do something positive towards his self care…..reward him with your attention 1000%.
active listening and validating (without fixing) are also key skills. Good luck!