Find DH physically unattractive

[Scillygirlz]

My DH is a great guy. Funny, kind, hard working, good co-parent etc. But over the last few years he has really let himself physically. He was slim, now he is obese. He never exercises. He just looks a state.

He used to care about his appearance, now he is a scruff bag. Yesterday for example he went out in a dirty old tshirt which he often sleeps in, then kept it on and slept in it. He is still in it now.

All of these things are his prerogative and I’d never tell another person to conform to my standards in that way. He has a stressful job and I think he just can’t be arsed / hasn’t got the time or energy to worry about how he looks. But I just no longer find him physically attractive. I’m actually pretty repulsed by him.

I’m not asking him to be Mr Stylish. Just to lose a bit of weight and wear clothes than don’t make him look like a tramp.

What would you do? I can’t just ‘leave’ for many reasons. I feel that talking to him would cause a lot of upset. But our marriage is broken because of this. We haven’t had sex in a long time because I just don’t fancy him at all. Even a hug or a kiss makes me die inside a bit.

A friend of mine called out her DH on this pretty effectively. She said to him that she expected a bit more effort with his appearance out of respect for her - in the way that she did for him. So I think it’s fair enough to say “I don’t sleep in my clothes and then go out with you without getting changed - I have a shower and make sure that I look okay. And I would appreciate the same respect from you”. Friend’s DH took her point on board and did up his game a bit re shaving and wearing smarter clothes at the weekend - just tackling it head on seemed to sort the issue for her pretty well.

If you’ve decided to carry on, can you come to some sort of compromise with your husband? A way to feel less resentment about the situation?

I don’t know what your social life is like but do you manage to go out and do your own thing regularly? I think I’d be making a list to see how you can both make life easier on both of you.

For god’s sake, woman up and use your words. He’s clearly either stressed or depressed and the two of you ignoring the relationship issues is not helping anyone. Sit him down and tell him honestly but kindly how you feel and find out what’s going on for him. He’ll either open up and you can go from there or he’ll clam up and carry on as he is and you’ll be free to decide to leave if you’re unhappy.

Well, it’s not my thread but fucking hell!

Have you actually read the OP’s posts?

“Use your words” said no one intelligent unless talking to a five year old.

It's harsh but it is strange that OP can't have a conversation with her husband. Especially if she's at a point where she wants to leave.

She says he's kind, but maybe not?

I can’t speak for the OP but it’s looking like she’s checked out. What can either of them do to put that right? If leaving isn’t an option, then a compromise has to be found going forward. Staying for the children’s lifestyle is part of it but their emotional life is more important, to me anyway.

For better, for worse, sickness and in health. Anything could happen to you so you're no longer attractive such as accident or surgery. Work with him and remember he is probably picking up you no longer want him. How very sad.

She is thinking of leaving a man she describes as kind, who may be depressed, but won’t even have a conversation with him about it. It’s cowardly and if she is already so checked out that she can’t even be bothered to talk to him, then she should just get on with leaving him. Moaning that it’s going to be financially inconvenient is immature and selfish.

She’s not leaving though, as you would know had you read all her posts. I do agree with you though. Personally, I would leave.

I’ve read them all. She says she thinks she does want to leave him but it would be ‘financially ruinous’. Seems you’re the one struggling with reading comprehension.

‘Does want to’ is not the same as going to though due to the financially ‘ruinous’ reasons. What do you suggest she does? Use her words?

It’s extremely sad that you are staying for financial reasons just to keep a certain lifestyle.

If your sim is just get an improvment in dress the I think you can talk to him indirectly / obtusely.

By that I mean talk about how you yourself feel in clothing and also say things like why dont you put on X it looks SO nice on you.

If he bangs on about its for best just say... best might never come and today is here right now - also it looks amazing on you.
I'll put on a dress and maybe let's go for lunch at X

I'd also maybe treat him to some nice clothes but main thing is....
give so much positive reinforcement you feel like you are training a dog.

Well, if you don't say anything it's only going to get worse. If you let this go on much longer it might not matter what he does, even if he started to lose weight etc. you might have gone off him forever. Maybe you already have.

Why is him retreating into himself or breaking down in tears so terrible? Let him. He does need to know how you feel. It sounds as if what really repels you most at the moment is him showing weakness.

If you stuggle to communicate when there's disagreement between you or something difficult to say then try marriage counselling. OK, it may still turn out that you have grown away from each other and then you'd both have to face up to that and deal with it. But that's still better than him neglecting himself while you get more and more resentful and start to despise him.

(Maybe resentful was the wrong word - more and more disgusted?)

With every post, you sound more and more horrible.

You would be doing your husband a favour by leaving. You are using your husband for financial gain. I would even argue this is financial abuse.

There is typical thickening and then there is obesity. Totally different

I agree with your post. Two lost souls here, both suffering but too far on to communicate from what I can gather. Maybe both of them are too afraid to face it. Maybe the OP’s husband feels just as trapped? It’s no way to live. Finances can be handled, it may be difficult but at least there’d be a conclusion in sight. Children learn to adapt, they have to. Life is all about adapting.

It’s really not selfish, it’s scared of causing your children trauma and then into the bargain telling them no more clubs, holidays or days out

There’s going to be trauma either way.

Well yes, conversations include using words. How else do you suggest he knows how she is feeling, mind reading?

Ok, well the OP is still reading, presumably, and she can decide what she’s going to do. I suspect, though, that he’s already got a pretty good idea.

Pretty sure her children will have more trauma from their parents refusing to discuss their relationship or feelings and staying in a silent and loveless marriage than from not doing their clubs any more.

Maybe so but some people are only managing as it is with 2 wages to go down to one can have a huge impact. Previous poster saying she’s using her husband and it’s financial abuse it’s crazy, she’s married but is not attracted to him for good reason. People go through tough times to stay doesn’t mean you’re financially abusing them. To split up and then have to cancel all the children’s clubs would be hard for any parent, I think that makes her a nice person, not horrible like some people are calling her

What do you suggest they do then? Carry on like this?