Find DH physically unattractive

[Scillygirlz]

My DH is a great guy. Funny, kind, hard working, good co-parent etc. But over the last few years he has really let himself physically. He was slim, now he is obese. He never exercises. He just looks a state.

He used to care about his appearance, now he is a scruff bag. Yesterday for example he went out in a dirty old tshirt which he often sleeps in, then kept it on and slept in it. He is still in it now.

All of these things are his prerogative and I’d never tell another person to conform to my standards in that way. He has a stressful job and I think he just can’t be arsed / hasn’t got the time or energy to worry about how he looks. But I just no longer find him physically attractive. I’m actually pretty repulsed by him.

I’m not asking him to be Mr Stylish. Just to lose a bit of weight and wear clothes than don’t make him look like a tramp.

What would you do? I can’t just ‘leave’ for many reasons. I feel that talking to him would cause a lot of upset. But our marriage is broken because of this. We haven’t had sex in a long time because I just don’t fancy him at all. Even a hug or a kiss makes me die inside a bit.

I just can’t relate to any woman that couldn’t say to her DH ‘Oi Pete, you can’t wear that tshirt out! You wore it to bed for goodness sake!’

Can you not say ‘Right as of Monday, let’s start a new healthy eating regime for the summer, we’re both far too heavy, what did you weigh last time you weighed yourself?

This. Your thoughts and feelings are as valid as his.

You must let him know how you feel but use kind terms.

If you want to leave him, find a way to do so that won't, 'fuck up the kids'. Sometimes staying fucks them up more.

Your relationship is very unhealthy already.

I don't think he's necessarily depressed. XH was like this. He wasn't depressed, just lazy.

I agree. You do need to talk to him, but gently, not reproachfully. Encourage him to up his personal hygiene, you can help him with that, and change his clothes for a start, that doesn't take much effort and he would feel better for it. You can't control what he eats when he's away from you but you can when he eats at home.

Sometimes everything just gets a bit too much, he may need a change of direction employment-wise but that isn't always easy. Do tell him he's a lovely guy so he knows you care.

Soft enough face? Wtf!?

I would say to him 'for god's sake, get out of that tshirt, what's the matter with you?'

My DH would go shopping with me in the clothes he has been doing the gardening in. He's hopeless! I just say, I am not going out with you looking like that, it matters to ME that you look half decent when we go out. He always changes.

Right! And walking doesn’t do any good? It’s a great way to lift your spirits, getting out in nature.

Communication is your friend in this situation………..talk to him and gently explain that carrying the extra weight is bound to impact on his health…….cardiac problems, type 2 diabetes, breathing difficulties, joint pain plus loads more are all waiting on the horizon.
As for the personal hygiene…….maybe a shopping trip is called for but not before you point out that he looks a state, needs a shower, and a change of clothes wouldn’t come amiss.

He might be depressed at times but I don’t think he is diagnosably suffering from depression. He has friends, does activities, does everything required of him round the house, doesn’t mope.

All of this does not mean he's not suffering with depression.

Walking is excellent. Such a weird post.

OP, do you respect him?

He doesn't sound even remotely depressed.

He sounds like a husband who doesn't feel like he needs to make an effort for his wife anymore and takes her for granted.

You don’t need to sit him down and say your fat and dirty and I don’t fancy you anymore, but you could say in the moment please change that t-shirt it looks scruffy and I don’t want to go somewhere with you looking like a tramp, or shall we go for a walk to get some exercise this weekend?

A while ago my DH had bad breath, he’d been unwell and it was clear to me it was linked to his illness, I kept offering him mints but he wasn’t taking the hint and it took me ages to sit him down and tell him because it’s horrible saying something negative to someone you care about.

Please please please talk to him start with talking about need to wear clean clothes
Sooooooo much to lose

I don’t have a partner but all my friends who are happily married have stayed making an effort and looking good for their partners as a matter of respect.
I would have to say something to him.

Do you think your children can’t pick up on what’s happening? We’ve moved on from staying for the children. Years ago.

Well I’m not sure that the impact on kids has changed even if adults ‘moved on’ from bothering about it years ago. But regardless of the psychological impact it would have a practical impact because we wouldn’t be able to afford the lifestyle that they’re used to with basically unlimited money for any extra curricular stuff they want to do (they do about 8 clubs a week), a nice house and holidays.

So it all comes down to money and how does that work? Unhappy in a loveless marriage? But the children get to keep their lifestyle? How old are they?

Op do you still love your husband enough to see if he needs help/just being a slob or have you already checked out?

It’s because we feel we have to tread very carefully around people’s appearance even if you’re meant to be fancying that person and sharing your life (and bed) with them. It doesn’t make a lot sense when it’s your partner and their slovenliness is turning you off the relationship altogether. It doesn’t have to be nasty but does need to be said. I would rather be told than dumped out the blue for someone less slobby.

Maybe just ask him to try to be a better example to the children?
See if he might benefit from visiting his GP?

It’s not all down to money but money is certainly a big consideration. Not in terms of ‘I want to be rich!’ but in terms of ‘It would be almost impossible to maintain two houses on our joint income, and the costs of separation would use up all of our savings meaning that the kids would miss out’. I’m always baffled by MN comments that seem to ignore or gloss over this issue which surely prevents lots of people from ending relationships. It would be financially ruinous!

What do you think the solution is then? I’m not goading you, it just sounds as if you’ve accepted that you’re trapped. And that must feel awful. Neither you or your husband is happy. For how long? How old are the children?

Yes well I think I might be trapped. Kids won’t be away from home for another 10 years.

Good job we don’t only live once or anything, or else it would be really depressing.

Oh.

Sorry I’ve not read every message here. But I’d say this is the way some guys (and girls) go as they age. I’ve had to have it out occasionally with my DH, looking like a slob and I’ve been been pleading with him to look after himself better. He’s not interested at all. And now I’m finding it off putting so I do get it.
In contrast, how I look seems to be a big deal to him. He likes me looking nice etc.
I’d get my nag on for this. He needs to look after himself for the sake of the children (that’s the route id take if I was you)
only you know if he’s depressed.