Find DH physically unattractive

[Scillygirlz]

My DH is a great guy. Funny, kind, hard working, good co-parent etc. But over the last few years he has really let himself physically. He was slim, now he is obese. He never exercises. He just looks a state.

He used to care about his appearance, now he is a scruff bag. Yesterday for example he went out in a dirty old tshirt which he often sleeps in, then kept it on and slept in it. He is still in it now.

All of these things are his prerogative and I’d never tell another person to conform to my standards in that way. He has a stressful job and I think he just can’t be arsed / hasn’t got the time or energy to worry about how he looks. But I just no longer find him physically attractive. I’m actually pretty repulsed by him.

I’m not asking him to be Mr Stylish. Just to lose a bit of weight and wear clothes than don’t make him look like a tramp.

What would you do? I can’t just ‘leave’ for many reasons. I feel that talking to him would cause a lot of upset. But our marriage is broken because of this. We haven’t had sex in a long time because I just don’t fancy him at all. Even a hug or a kiss makes me die inside a bit.

My partner sometimes is like this. He's depressed. I just say perhaps a different tee shirt love? And whip the manky comfort blanket one away and wash it. Really dire stuff I bin. Tell him first obviously. I also plan and cook every meal so he at least eats fruit and veg. I'm insistent.

If it's already broken because of this then you absolutely have to talk to him. This is your chance to flag the issue with him and support him through sorting it.

This guy sounds stressed/knackered/depressed.
Throughout our married lives we are not always the best versions of ourselves, it's during these times that husbands and wives need to step up for one another.
I went through an awful time after my youngest SEND child was born. I put on 4 stone over a couple of years, lost my spark for everything and was absolutely bone weary. My hair/skin/clothes were awful. Every single day my husband told me he loved me, kissed me, held my hand, told me I was beautiful inside and out (I wasn't, I was a sight and not very pleasant to be around) and did everything he could to lessen my burden and make me feel loved, appreciated and wanted. It was through his encouragement, love and belief in me that I had the determination to change, he was my biggest fan and supporter. A few years on I've lost the weight, I'm happy, healthy and am married to my best friend.
How would you feel if ths was the other way around and he left you because he didn't find yiu physically attractive?
He sounds like he has really low self-esteem. Why don't you change the narrative, have an open and how's conversation with him, tell him you love him and want to support him then spend time helping to lessen his burden and build him up.

I would try a bit of psychology on him and suggest that for the benefit of you both, you look into a healthy eating plan and some kind of physical activity you both enjoy. Maybe he would get out of his slump if didn’t feel alone and picked on. Can only do you both good.

He sounds lovely, let him go to find someone who will appreciate him, the way you have spoken about him is disgusting. He sounds depressed and could do with lifting up, not tearing down. Even if you don't say these things to him, he will feel it from you and so will your children. Having 2 parents seperate don't mess kids up, having 2 parents that are unhappy together with one or both disgusted by the other does.

When you're 60, with saggy bits, wrinkly skin, empty sock boobs OR male genitalia resembling turkey neck and wattle, presumably you'll hope your partner will still love and be attracted to you. If relationships are purely based on appearance, they will fail.

In a long relationship, appearance changes. Mostly, it's men leaving women when their appearance goes downhill during menopause or illness. Which is inexcusable. But it's not any more excusable when it's a wife doing it to her husband.

Real, life-long love, should transcend physical appearance. Romantic love isn't the basis of a permanent marriage. It is a fleeting thing, fuelled by passion, hopefully replaced by love, respect and commitment to weather the storms of life.

Your feelings are understandable OP. My issue with your post is saying you would never raise how your feeling with your DH. If you can't communicate & be honest with each other, what chance do you have in solving anything within your marriage.

Imagine if deep down your DH was feeling exactly the same about you ie no longer attracted to you & for example finding you boring etc. Would you prefer him to bottle it up to keep you from being upset or have him tell you sympathetically about his feelings.

Yup.

I think it’s fair you feel this way all things considered, but I also think he’s depressed and needs your support.

Can you encourage him by cooking healthier meals and arranging an “active” date once a week? Family walks? Couples tennis? Excercising really boosts moods.

Also be honest and tell him you’re worried about him. Offer to book him a GP’s appointment.

Now you are back-pedalling, telling yourself he is not so bad after all.
You are doing this because you have been confronted with the only two choices: leave him or talk to him (or write a letter or go to marriage counselling, which are similar to talking to him)

Talking to him should be possible but isn’t. I would be unable to find words which wouldn’t make him retreat into himself upset and tearful. Communication is not our strong point when it comes to matters of disagreement

This is the real issue in your marriage - far more lethal than the lack of sex or your feelings about his appearance. There is no relationship if there is no real communication.
This is what you need to work on.

Go for counselling by yourself, to explore WHY you find it so, so hard to be honest, why you are so scared of "upsetting" people, and how you can be more open and assertive and truthful.

Don’t think OP cares enough to offer support. She’d rather the problem just go away - either my him suddenly losing weight or her leaving but without any consequences.

You can be old and still physically attractive as many fit & healthy well groomed people prove. I don't know many 60 year old women or men with the bodies you describe. OP is entitled to want her DH to shape up & take care of his appearance & she should set about telling him.

Speak to him. It’ll be hard but being honest about how you feel is a good thing. I say that having been on the receiving end of this conversation.

It was hard to hear at first but I would much rather know how my partner felt - that they loved me but due to (a lot of) weight gain found me less attractive than they used to. It was impacting our sex life, my confidence and how I behaved. Having an honest conversation reassured me that our love hadn’t changed and I could do something to move us back to where we used to be. For some people physical attraction matters less but for others - like you and my partner - it’s a fundamental of a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I was upset at first but deep down I knew that I didn’t feel attractive and I was far happier that it was something we discussed than having the relationship continue to fade.

😁 I love the first paragraph, very descriptive! Agree with the rest of your post too.

If he hadn't let himself go would you still want to leave him?
If the answer is yes, then you have little to gain from talking to him about his appearance. So I can see why you would not bother.

If the answer is no, then you have to talk to him. I would be physically repelled by him too, both the obesity and the dirty clothes thing. We all age, but letting yourself get obese and wearing skanky clothes is unattractive both in itself but also because its so avoidable. It doesn't look like you have much to lose from talking to him, so talk to him.

Obesity and wearing dirty clothes are not natural parts of ageing. You grow old together, there can be support and bonding in that.

You don't grow obese together unless you have both chosen obese lifestyles. OP hasn't.

Firstly, do you work? And, secondly, have you had your head turned?

I always think that when one partner works all hours and the other can devote time to being fit and good looking, it is a bit unfair for the fit one to go off the hard working one! I had friends where exactly this happened.

And, if the reality is that you already fancy someone else, it is probably too late!

I imagine your weight and attractiveness has changed over the years also. Even during pregnancy and post natal…you say you weigh less than you did when you met but assume it’s fluctuated.

You say because he has put weight on you are no longer attracted to him and wanting to leave him….either you are incredibly shallow or there is a deeper meaning here and it’s something you have thought of for a while.

You need to speak to him or maybe attend therapy to improve on your communication.

How about an are you alright conversation? Because we can't reasonably go on like this can we? What do you want to do about it, kind of conversation?

This. You don't sound a particularly nice person to be married to so he'd probably be happier without you.

There’s a difference between putting on weight due to health issue, getting older, having scars due to an accident and continuing to be attracted to that person compared to someone not attempting to stay healthy and neglecting their hygiene, I’m overweight due to a health issue but I exercise and eat healthy and take care of myself, there’s a difference between that and a slob

I disagree.

I think he sounds stressed, overworked etc. You say he does everything else really well - often that kind of person has themself as the lowest priority whilst keeping everything else and everyone else in great shape.

You admit you can’t afford to leave him. I presume he earns well to the detriment of his health.

I can’t imagine why you’d leave someone who is the father of your kids, a good and kind person and a good hardworking dad. He put a bit of weight on and wore a less than pristine tshirt. That is just part of getting older.

You should perhaps consider what elements of his load you can take off him so that he has time to look after himself.

Woman have no control over how their bodies change during pregnancy, this man unless depressed is acting like a lazy slob

Only he isn’t a lazy slob. He does great in all areas of life. He’s just neglected himself a bit as a result

If you can’t communicate with the one person you’re sharing a home and a life with and have created children with who can you communicate with?

Sit him down. Tell him all of the qualities you love about him and then tell him gently that you feel he’s not caring for himself properly or taking pride in how he dresses etc and it’s having an impact on how you view him.