asked me why I was playing with myself during sex!

[goodThingGonewrong]

Exactly as the title says. Dp suggested sex when we went to bed last night, when I said yes he said we couldn’t as I had my period. I told him it was finished then he said to have sex in the morning, I was a bit deflated by that. However 5 mins lasted he was guiding me to touch and go down on him. No foreplay for me so I did feel it a bit hard to get into on my side. We eventually had piv and even though I was wet, I did need some more stimulation so I started to play with my clit while he was inside me. He asked me once why I was playing with myself but I didn’t hear and he asked again. I just said because I enjoy it but recently there’s been no or little foreplay from him, I want to speak to him today, it needs to be addressed as things obviously didn’t feel right for him either.

Also so it’s not a drip feed he’s even asked me on the past to play with myself and vice versa…, it’s not a new thing. It just wasn’t in his request.

Looking for advice on how I bring this up so conversation openers and pointers would be good.

I have obviously name changed for this post:

Tells you a lot about him though, doesn't it

You should have said "because I want to get some enjoyment out of it too." 🤣🤣

If he asks for sex, do remind him he's not doing that anymore, he told you so quite clearly

Don't let a holiday make you have to suffer his company, I wouldnt want to be around him at all.

Wha? I thought he was dumped? Why are you going on holiday with this abusive man?

Good luck @goodThingGonewrong

I would struggle to see this man favourably now. I would not be looking toward to sex either.
It’s hard to get respect back. He’ll have to carry you out of a burning building and run back in for your cat at this point.

Yes he just arrived half an hour ago and although he’s got me a birthday cake, put candles on it and sang to me, I don’t have that same appreciation I would have before the sex the other night. I can’t really look at him. He hasn’t apologised or tried to address anything. I feel quite resentful. And yes @Coatsoff42 sex is usually something I would look forward to him but I will really struggle with this. Anyway it’s Friday night, he’s always too tired for it. I ordered some lovely lingerie from Intimissi and it arrived today. Tried it on and it’s been buried in the wardrobe for now.

You know, you don't need to pretend all is fine and you want him there with you tonight. You can just say y I are still feeling uncomfortable with the awkward unaddressed issue and you'd like some space, and ask him to go home.

Happy Birthday, OP!
Rooting for you to come to some kind of a resolution whether he steps up or you end it.
Birthday sex has always been a pretty important part of my life- it is a shame he is a selfish lover & tired on Fridays.
I will confess I totally get not wanting to break up before a holiday - have done it myself 🙈

Reading between the lines I think he doesn’t like giving oral sex. He probably did it initially to lure you in, but now he’s comfortable in the relationship he probably doesn’t feel the need to impress you/win you over.

that’s probably why he got weird about you guys having sex the other day, he wanted a BJ but didn’t want to spell it out. he wanted you to offer so you can’t say you only give not receive to him

Update : we did have a nice day / evening yesterday. My suprise was West End musical and dinner at a lovely Greek Cypriot restaurant

All day I was thinking if we have sex tonight it’s like I would be giving in and if he didn’t have sex I was thinking we would be creating an elephant in the room by not.

We did end up having sex last night. He initiated. He didn’t initiate oral for himself or me. The sex was slightly better but I really do feel until we have the wider conversation it all means nothing. I don’t have the post sex glow I usually do. He needs to ask me / I need to tell him what I want.

@657904I I am under no illusions he doesn’t like oral sex. Before we had sex the first time, he said he loved giving and receiving which was great for me as so did I ( and still do). After 2/3 years the tap was turned off to the point where I hadn’t had it for 7 months.
Even last week I said to him, admit you don’t like it or admit you liked it with prev partners and not me. I asked him if I smell as I’m hair free? He said no. I will also add I shower generally 2 times a day and if I know he’s staying over I def have a shower before sex. The whole thing makes me feel repulsive. I know with my ex H and fwb they would spend their time downtown. When my partner does his once a month quota, he's actually quite good and I orgasm but I can never switch off, I’m always thinking he hates this and shouldn’t be doing it.

@PolyCat thank you! Your message made me feel a bit better x

This explains everything.

So realistically he isn’t going to change, you’re never going to enjoy sex with him because if he goes down, you know he doesn’t like doing it. And if you go down, you know it’s not reciprocal. So it introduces a weird dynamic. Had he been honest when you first met, would this be a dealbreaker?

@657904I yes it would have been a deal breaker. Why would I knowingly deny myself something I love, it’s a very intimate part of being together. I wonder, does he ever feel guilt or feel selfish? Why does he continue to lie to me?

Coincidentally I went back to bed this morning and we ended up having sex twice. Much better than last night. Probably much better for him too as he got oral and I didn’t ( because it’s been two weeks since he last gave it so I’ve already had my ration) .

Can’t broach anything else with him now. Once we got up, he received a phonecall that his bil had passed away over night ( he’d been sick a long time), so we will just get through the next few weeks. I just have to put it to the back of the my mind right now.

Coincidentally I went back to bed this morning and we ended up having sex twice.

What even is this sentence? You make it sound like it's just this passive thing that happens to you. Why are you even having sex with this selfish twat, let alone sucking his dick? Why are you just tip toeing around? He is obviously avoiding talking about it, but so are you now. FFS stick up for yourself.

Having sex with him three times over the weekend and giving him a BJ - that's really showed him! 👏

Find some self-respect and dump this man. You are not sexually compatible!!!

Eurgh, you gave him head, it’s so boring, it’s such a chore, and you know he can’t be arsed to do the same for you.
Just always be aware that he’s a selfish prick and won’t discuss what’s important to you. You can be nice about his BIL if you want, but I’d have this last episode in the back of my head going forwards.
and a blanket ban on oral.

He really doesn’t sound sensitive to your needs
in a relationship, it’s the ultimate act of love care and trust
its all about him and in my experience Sex is the first thing to change , for good or bad in a long term relationship so do have a think whether the sex problem is a sign of wider issues
You’re too young to put up with this
Go and find a lovely kind guy who makes you laugh and reciprocates your feelings

I will take this on board, they are good points. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not happy at the moment, which is why I’m up thinking and not able to sleep. My brain is really preoccupied with what happened last week and a few other things that happened yesterday.
I am not young though ( late 40’s) … it’s been a long time since l’ve been called young 😅.

Has he become selfish in other ways too?

@Daftapath not really. He’s still putting time into the relationship. He’s always planning dates and trips away. I am just really struggling at the moment. I am perimenopausal and I’ve gone from being really chilled to getting angry and upset quickly. But there are underlying feelings of I don’t know what, not being happy I suppose.

He seems to be clearly giving you a message that sex is now all about him. He can’t cover that up with dates and trips away. It’s a fundamental aspect of a relationship to build intimacy.

MNrs are known to jump to “dump him” really quickly. Folks on this thread are being harsh.
In my experience relationships have recovered from all sorts of issues. And sometimes they ended, yes.
Personally I’m not a fan of receiving oral, and giving is not necessarily my favorite thing either. I have honestly communicated this to my partners however but it wasn’t easy. I’m not perfect and at times I waited way too long to say it.

Talking about sex issues, especially the first few times, is always hard. If you want to recover this relationship you’ll need to keep trying to bring this conversation to light. Brushing it under the rug will grow resentment.

I wrote him a letter and left it by his bedside table before I left his place this morning. I put down all my thoughts and feelings. He’s read it and said he’s processing it. In the letter I suggested weekly catch ups - not just to talk about problems but to talk about what’s good too. That way it probably opens communication about sex too. But after my efforts, he needs to willingly come to the table and proactively seek this time with me. Anything less and I know he doesn’t care about working on us.