asked me why I was playing with myself during sex!

[goodThingGonewrong]

Exactly as the title says. Dp suggested sex when we went to bed last night, when I said yes he said we couldn’t as I had my period. I told him it was finished then he said to have sex in the morning, I was a bit deflated by that. However 5 mins lasted he was guiding me to touch and go down on him. No foreplay for me so I did feel it a bit hard to get into on my side. We eventually had piv and even though I was wet, I did need some more stimulation so I started to play with my clit while he was inside me. He asked me once why I was playing with myself but I didn’t hear and he asked again. I just said because I enjoy it but recently there’s been no or little foreplay from him, I want to speak to him today, it needs to be addressed as things obviously didn’t feel right for him either.

Also so it’s not a drip feed he’s even asked me on the past to play with myself and vice versa…, it’s not a new thing. It just wasn’t in his request.

Looking for advice on how I bring this up so conversation openers and pointers would be good.

I have obviously name changed for this post:

He sounds awful OP, you are better off without him, honestly.

You should have agreed when that started happening that all oral sex was off the table then, job done. He's obviously got to the point in the relationship where he feels he doesn't have to try anymore, he is still getting what he wants but he has slowly reduced what he does for you and manipulates / makes you feel guilty for wanting it, then kicks off completely when you dare mention the unfairness in the relationship, all so you stop going on about it.

Just get rid, you don't live together so what is the point in staying with someone who cares so little about you?

I'm sorry about your accident Op, I hope you weren't hurt

He sounds absolutely awful.
So sorry you had a tip.
Ditch the loser OP.

What a selfish pig! So all he gives you is PIV when he can be arsed?! Focus your attention on getting your car fixed, try not to spend too much brain power on this self-absorbed man.

So he's too immature to talk about sex
Is (at best) not always giving foreplay
Weedles his way into a BJ by lying about wanting piv
Guides you down there on him (I'm assuming that means pushing your head - unbelievably gross)
Doesn't make sure you get yours
Doesn't like you pleasuring yourself anymore even though he won't
Will rarely give you oral
Wants you to brush all the above under the carpet, give him his goodbye kiss, shut the fuck up about it and get back to being his obedient little toy.

Hopefully you realise you don't need conversation pointers, you need to end it.

You’re best off without him OP.

I don’t blame anyone for not being particularly “skilled” in the bedroom, we all start somewhere, we all learn somewhere, and most importantly we are all different so what makes one woman orgasm can be completely different to what makes another woman. What I HATE though, and where I do place blame, is where someone is unwilling and uninterested in communicating, learning, changing, yet expects to be intimate.

I would walk away from this one.

I really appreciate all the support and the advice or the interpretation on my situation.
It’s hard as in my heart I love him but my brain is saying there’s a great deal wrong here..,, and I do not think it’s fixable.

You deserve someone who is enthusiastic about pleasuring you. Bottom line.

Sorry to hear you had a collision. Hope you’re okay?

You really deserve so much better than this op.

So it’s fine for you to play with yourself when he suggests it, but god forbid you do it because you want too!?
you do NOT need his permission to touch your own body.

there is a lot wrong here OP I feel - indicative of deeper issues.

@Blobbitymacblob thank you, I am a bit shaken and upset but I’m ok. I’ve sorted everything with the insurance though next years premium will be high because of this.
Feel very deflated, he’s messaged a few times but I can’t be arsed. He had plenty of time to talk and for me to leave on good terms. And now he wants to make small talk.

He has booked something on Saturday for my birthday ( I don’t know what as that’s the surprise). It’s weird, we were on holiday the weekend before last in Spain and he booked tickets to see a Flamenco dancing show as a surprise from me ( I knew he wouldn’t like it, but seems he went ahead without me mentioning it) . It did actually make me so happy, stupidly.

he booked tickets to see a Flamenco dancing show as a surprise from me ( I knew he wouldn’t like it, but seems he went ahead without me mentioning it) . It did actually make me so happy, stupidly.

Is he a quid pro quo sort of bloke? So if you complain about anything/raise any concerns, however gently, he can say ‘oh but I do this this and this, so you are unreasonable to be unhappy about that’.

I ask because I had one like that and it was impossible to argue, but the problems never went away, I was just always shut down, and it became intolerable. Just one of a list, but maybe there is a list for you too.

@AlertCat yes I see some traits here in him. He does do a great deal for me however if I complain to him about something else, I am “ungrateful”. I also want to add that I do a great deal for him too ( I prob do more in all honestly). Recently arguements have befm weekly, we used to make up quickly however we are both quite stubborn now which isn’t nice.

He still hasn’t apologised for calling me pathetic!

I don’t think we will never get to this place. He kept saying things to me like well you got sex didn’t you and you are still saying I’m shit in bed? His attitude shows me he thinks piv is enough where as for me that’s the bare minimum. He is well endowed and he’s thinking it’s enough.

I did tell him that we used to have a great sex life but that the other night was the end of the scale ( the bad end). I’m happy to be home for a few nights without him. Space is needed for sure but not sure how to act when he stays over. I really don’t feel like having sex with him.

You don't want him to stay over at YOUR place?
So tell him no.

Whoop de do, “you got sex didn’t you” !!
Horrible, selfish man. He’s not worth sticking with even if he has got a big dick!
There’s more going on with him for sure.
i know you love him but remember your self worth ❤️

LTB

He became defensive when you spoke up about the other night because he knows he’s shit in bed and deflected it onto you to stop the conversation in its tracks. He doesn’t like going down on you, he’s making excuses because he just can’t be bothered, it’s all about his pleasure and he’s not being subtle about it. He thinks you should be satisfied he still wants to penetrate you for 3 seconds before demanding you give him a BJ.
Im not surprised you don’t want to have sex with him again, he is blatantly all about himself sexually and he would totally give me the ick.

I’m so glad I moved my post from the sex board to relationships. I have been given a great depth of opinion and support. Thank you to you all! That’s what the pearl clutchers complaining didn’t get, sec is not a stand alone aspect of a relationship, it tells us a lot about personality traits and how the rest of the relationship works. My post title was quite trivial but it’s a lot deeper than one action on one night.

Honestly, this relationship sounds rubbish. He's a sulky, stubborn, selfish man who loves to sweep issues under the carpet. I'd have serious ICK with him. I'm sorry you had an accident today, I hope you and all involved are ok.

I am hoping you come to the realisation (very quickly) that this is not the right relationship for you. He really doesn't come across well and you're not sexually compatible anymore.

Sorry to hear about your accident OP- fights like the one you had with him affect us greatly- anyone would be distracted. Space is good. Take care of yourself!

Sorry about your car crash @goodThingGonewrong you can beat yourself up over stuff like that, but you had a lot going on emotionally. I would be furious that your stupid boyfriend is causing you this much grief when all you want is a better relationship and more connection in bed. It’s hard to respect someone so childish.

This would really colour my opinion of him, he’s not at all bothered about your happiness in bed. You’re supposed to be grateful he stuck it in there for a couple of minutes? I don’t think so. He buys a couple of nice things, then you can’t complain about doing whatever he wants in bed? It’s a bit coercive/rapey. It’s a bit yuck.

You don’t have to decide anything on a whim or immediately, but look at everything in your relationship through a new lens. Brutal honesty usually works for better or for worse, you find out where they really are in the relationship. Either he digs his heels in and you realise it’s a non starter relationship for you, or he bucks his ideas up. Sometimes setting hard boundaries is good, he’ll respect your strength either way.

stupid man, most men would be over the moon to have a keen girlfriend wanting more in bed! It’s absolutely ridiculous!

@Coatsoff42 you sum it up well.,, all I wanted and still want is a better relationship and more emotional connection. Some things he’s trying more like I’ve said we don’t go out enough when we are not travelling and in the last 2 weeks he’s proactively finding things to do and places to eat. But really all I want is for him to listen to what I need physically and emotionally. He is coming to stay from tomorrow afternoon for a few nights. I really want to tell him we need to talk but it’s always me doing this, like I’m the problem when really I want some clarity. But yes I need to look at the relationship as a whole. I cannot really end it now as we have a holiday booked in the next few weeks 😬

I wouldn't let an upcoming holiday stop you dumping this selfish prick. Depending on who booked it, a name could be changed and the person who goes takes a friend instead.

Will update after the weekend. Disappointing after the conflict that he hasn’t broached the subject just brushed it under the carpet.