Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

asked me why I was playing with myself during sex!

311 replies

goodThingGonewrong · 01/07/2025 08:04

Exactly as the title says. Dp suggested sex when we went to bed last night, when I said yes he said we couldn’t as I had my period. I told him it was finished then he said to have sex in the morning, I was a bit deflated by that. However 5 mins lasted he was guiding me to touch and go down on him. No foreplay for me so I did feel it a bit hard to get into on my side. We eventually had piv and even though I was wet, I did need some more stimulation so I started to play with my clit while he was inside me. He asked me once why I was playing with myself but I didn’t hear and he asked again. I just said because I enjoy it but recently there’s been no or little foreplay from him, I want to speak to him today, it needs to be addressed as things obviously didn’t feel right for him either.

Also so it’s not a drip feed he’s even asked me on the past to play with myself and vice versa…, it’s not a new thing. It just wasn’t in his request.

Looking for advice on how I bring this up so conversation openers and pointers would be good.

I have obviously name changed for this post:

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/07/2025 15:51

I haven't tried it, but the website beducated might be good for you both

NojitoandLime · 01/07/2025 15:55

Painrelief · 01/07/2025 13:27

I would not be satisfying him again unless it’s reciprocated . No more bjs unless you’re getting something out of it too . He’s becoming (or may have always been ) selfish. Your pleasure is important too you ain’t just there to satisfy him .

'No more bjs unless you’re getting something out of it too'

I don't think sex between long term partners always has to be quite that transactional. But what it does need is proper communication.

If he only wanted a BJ, he should have just been clear about it and let OP make up her mind if she wanted to or not (and accepted her response either way).

The problem was that he was weird and manipulative about it, saying he wanted sex and then changing his mind. Just be more up front about what you want, FFS.

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 01/07/2025 16:03

MounjaroMounjaro · 01/07/2025 15:41

I have never ever understood why a man would think a woman would want to give him a BJ but get nothing at all in return. Either he thinks giving a BJ turns her on (in which case surely she'd want more herself) or he thinks it doesn't turn her on (in which case why put her through it?)

The return doesn’t have to be instant though? I sometimes joke to DH that it’s “my turn” at a later date? Or later in the day?

Offit · 01/07/2025 16:09

Piknik · 01/07/2025 14:59

i never post memes on here, bit honestly….

WHERE is the laughing crying emoji when we need it?!

Pippinsdiary · 01/07/2025 16:09

OpalOwls · 01/07/2025 08:59

Maybe it’s just me but if I was ever with someone who didn’t want to have sex because I was on my period then I wouldn’t be with them

How very odd.

50andfailing · 01/07/2025 16:29

Gross. Sorry but yuck.

Allisnotlost1 · 01/07/2025 16:43

OpalOwls · 01/07/2025 09:07

Aw bless you I’m sorry to hear that! I have PCOS and am lucky that the flow is quite weak usually. Lots of pain though, although the remedy seems to be orgasms 🤣 but I’m a single pringle

do you think you could just politely ask ‘did you just want a BJ last night?’

Endo/fibroids and same. LOL at single Pringle and also same 😭

OP this doesn’t sound great from him, how long are you together?

OpalOwls · 01/07/2025 16:56

Allisnotlost1 · 01/07/2025 16:43

Endo/fibroids and same. LOL at single Pringle and also same 😭

OP this doesn’t sound great from him, how long are you together?

Aw bless you I’m sorry to hear that! Do you mind if I ask how the Endo affects you?

Y2ker · 01/07/2025 16:57

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 01/07/2025 16:03

The return doesn’t have to be instant though? I sometimes joke to DH that it’s “my turn” at a later date? Or later in the day?

Something tells me that the OP's bloke is the type to never return the favour 😆

Noshadelamp · 01/07/2025 17:01

goodThingGonewrong · 01/07/2025 15:15

@Noshadelamp he didn’t tell me to stop but felt I had to. Because he clearly wasn’t happy. At that point I should have just got up, left him in bed and go to sleep in the spare room! Hindsight is a beautiful thing :(

I know what you mean, even by him mentioning it there is the implied demand to stop.
Is this the first time he's been so selfish?
If it's a pattern of behaviour I think you have to decide where your boundaries are for the future. You can see the strength of opinion on here so hopefully that gives you strength.

KPPlumbing · 01/07/2025 17:01

50andfailing · 01/07/2025 16:29

Gross. Sorry but yuck.

"Yuck" to which bit?

PeapodMcgee · 01/07/2025 17:10

Ultimately, he was just using you, and being nasty with it too.

It could be a porn thing. Female enjoyment doesn't overly feature in some circles.

goodThingGonewrong · 01/07/2025 17:18

@PeapodMcgee I was also thinking about porn as his behaviour has changed a bit too, I don’t want to go into tmi here as some people have been appalled as me giving details.

OP posts:
PolyCat · 01/07/2025 17:20

goodThingGonewrong · 01/07/2025 17:18

@PeapodMcgee I was also thinking about porn as his behaviour has changed a bit too, I don’t want to go into tmi here as some people have been appalled as me giving details.

We should really be able to discuss anything here. Ignore the puritans.

goodThingGonewrong · 01/07/2025 17:22

@PolyCat well he is taking longer to finish!

OP posts:
whitewineandsun · 01/07/2025 17:25

ohyesido · 01/07/2025 14:31

I’m not a pearl clutcher I just have a degree of discretion

You're free to not read the thread!

PolyCat · 01/07/2025 17:27

goodThingGonewrong · 01/07/2025 17:22

@PolyCat well he is taking longer to finish!

Definitely something that could be caused by watching too much porn

goodThingGonewrong · 01/07/2025 17:27

I will be talking to him tonight. I am glad for all the opinions on here, most back me up.
I feel like the sex police tbh as prev mentioned, I only bring things up when there’s been an issue. It shouldn’t be the way, I will mention this needs to change too. I really do feel he’s been selfish in bed and he seems to expect me to orgasm just with piv as he always asks. It’s not enough to ask when he’s doing nothing for me tbh,

OP posts:
proximalhumerous · 01/07/2025 17:48

BlackCatGreyWhiskers · 01/07/2025 14:58

How odd that’s he’s querying something pretty standard that added to your pleasure!

I had an ex that used to tell me that self simulation like this during PIV made him feel inferior like he couldn’t pleasure me. The answer was he couldn’t! Glad he’s an ex - distinctly remember thinking I can’t live my whole life with sex this shit and orgasming alone so as not to offend him! Often think of his, now wife, who came after me and hope she managed to resolve the issue!!

Often think of his, now wife, who came after me and hope she managed to resolve the issue!!

Except she probably didn't come either...

AlertCat · 01/07/2025 17:51

goodThingGonewrong · 01/07/2025 17:27

I will be talking to him tonight. I am glad for all the opinions on here, most back me up.
I feel like the sex police tbh as prev mentioned, I only bring things up when there’s been an issue. It shouldn’t be the way, I will mention this needs to change too. I really do feel he’s been selfish in bed and he seems to expect me to orgasm just with piv as he always asks. It’s not enough to ask when he’s doing nothing for me tbh,

What was concerning to me was that he didn’t want you to touch yourself if he hadn’t asked/told you to. Does he want to control your (lack of) enjoyment? Did he mean to get his end away while engineering a situation in which you can’t or aren’t supposed to get joy? Why? My OH would be thrilled to make me come (or watch me do it) even if I’m going down on him, it’s part of his enjoyment.

Coconutter24 · 01/07/2025 17:59

MounjaroMounjaro · 01/07/2025 15:46

Yes, but as part of sex, not as the only event, surely?

I do, if I’m on my period and don't want full sex but want to make him happy I’ll do it.

JustFeedMeCake · 01/07/2025 18:14

Is there no longer a Sex board?

goodThingGonewrong · 01/07/2025 18:38

JustFeedMeCake · 01/07/2025 18:14

Is there no longer a Sex board?

Yes there is … would you like the link?

OP posts:
babyproblems · 01/07/2025 18:58

He sounds shit in bed tbh!

JifNtGif · 01/07/2025 19:01

LittlleMy · 01/07/2025 13:36

I honestly think in this porn saturated age, many don’t 😔

"Porn saturated age"
Sounds like a new M and S range.
Dill infused slow aged copulation

Swipe left for the next trending thread