asked me why I was playing with myself during sex!

[goodThingGonewrong]

Exactly as the title says. Dp suggested sex when we went to bed last night, when I said yes he said we couldn’t as I had my period. I told him it was finished then he said to have sex in the morning, I was a bit deflated by that. However 5 mins lasted he was guiding me to touch and go down on him. No foreplay for me so I did feel it a bit hard to get into on my side. We eventually had piv and even though I was wet, I did need some more stimulation so I started to play with my clit while he was inside me. He asked me once why I was playing with myself but I didn’t hear and he asked again. I just said because I enjoy it but recently there’s been no or little foreplay from him, I want to speak to him today, it needs to be addressed as things obviously didn’t feel right for him either.

Also so it’s not a drip feed he’s even asked me on the past to play with myself and vice versa…, it’s not a new thing. It just wasn’t in his request.

Looking for advice on how I bring this up so conversation openers and pointers would be good.

I have obviously name changed for this post:

Hasn’t everyone done this at some point just to move things along? Atleast exaggerated their enjoyment to hasten the “end!”

The whole thing is off tbh. He usually tells me to play with myself during sex so maybe because it wasn’t on his so that it may have bruised his ego.

He’s just come home with flowers as it’s a special occasion for me later on in the week. So it’s not an apology for last night. I didn’t even kiss him to say thanks, I feel a bit petulant but I don’t really care right now.

I've not. I'm way too stubborn and have always....advocated for myself!

OP - does he usually expect you to follow his lead and not allow you your own autonomy during sex??

Thing is if I had to spell it out I wouldn’t be able to get there! The conditions have to be right, fortunately my DH knows this and I am comfortable enough with him to direct him or explain I’m struggling to get there. The others I’ve kicked to the kerb!

Well if they've got their penis in you surely they can?

OP just start the conversation by saying you want to talk about what happened last night and think it would be good to do this when you're not 'doing the deed'. You can tell him that you have had great sex before but last night wasn't it. If all he wanted was a bj why didn't he say that? Tell him you felt pressured to fake your orgasm and that isn't healthy for either of you.

I think what you said about only discussing sex when its to address a problem is insightful and something to work on as a couple. Rather than bringing up what happened last night could you initiaye a more positive discussion and when you're talking about what you like, reiterate that you really love foreplay when he does XYZ?

It's down to both of you to communicate properly about how to turn eachother on. He shouldn't be so ignorant as to ask why you're stimulating yourself during sex. It's because he's not doing it.

You should try and guide him towards using his hand, mouth or a toy as well as his penis to get you off. If he's still clueless then frankly you'd be better off just wanking.

@Noshadelamp he didn’t tell me to stop but felt I had to. Because he clearly wasn’t happy. At that point I should have just got up, left him in bed and go to sleep in the spare room! Hindsight is a beautiful thing :(

Nope! And the result is that my husband & I have a great sex life and are more than capable of pleasuring each other.

If you’re faking orgasms, you can’t then also complain that your partner doesn’t know how to make you come. Of course he doesn’t if for the last 10 years he’s thought he was Mr Sex God making you come with 10 pumps!

Thanks for that lecture 🤣

I haven’t only had sex with my DH so I was drawing on my life experience rather than experience with one man…

Does he know how female anatomy works?

Just because you've been to university doesn't make you better than the rest of us.

I have never orgasmed from PIV sex. Always need a toy. Just how my body is. I used to fake it, but as another poster put it “life is too short for shit sex”.
I was lucky my DP welcomed the toy.
We have had tough conversations about sex in the past when I got messed up by an IUD, and he had side effects from a medication.
You may just need to plunge into it “so about this morning..”

He's brought you back the flowers today instead of later in the week because he wants to avoid the "sex talk" from you.

He sounds a bit of a git really. A selfish one. And wanting to come in your mouth is just grim. He seems to want to dictate everything on his terms. Use you for his pleasure. Selfish lover. If there are any other things that are "off" about this relationship, I'd be rethinking it.

Don't do that. You don't need to feel stupid because he's shit at communicating.

It sounds like he's turned into a selfish sex partner though. Never ever fake it because he's selfish and self serving. He needs to know hes being a prick and shit in the sack atm.

He wanted a BJ, didn’t want you pleasuring yourself because it was all about him. Had you turned yourself on, he would have felt obligated to make it pleasurable for you. That is so fucking selfish and he didn’t even try to hide it!

He likes you to play with yourself during sex, is that because it turns him on or because he can’t be bothered himself? He sounds incredibly selfish! Does he know foreplay is about pleasuring yourself partner and it goes both ways?

I have never ever understood why a man would think a woman would want to give him a BJ but get nothing at all in return. Either he thinks giving a BJ turns her on (in which case surely she'd want more herself) or he thinks it doesn't turn her on (in which case why put her through it?)

Heh and yet here you are with the most posts on the thread

@HoppingPavlova had this spot on Op- he thought you'd turn sex down but give him the BJ he wanted - otherwise why would he suddenly want to wait until the morning. He didn't want to pleasure you, it was supposed to be sex for him without him doing anything in return.
I'd be having that chat @goodThingGonewrong , he really begrudged you after his plan went wrong and worse still he's a manipulative git getting his story all ready in advance

I'm not sure this is true. Sometimes I do things for my DH that I know he likes even if they don't "turn me on".

Yes, but as part of sex, not as the only event, surely?

😆

There are a few big worries here

He's not bothered about your pleasure

You're too scared to communicate with him and upset him

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship op