Really good or really bad? Fantasies chat with BF

[Foolonthepill]

I really don’t know if I think BF was being really open or too open last night!

Started seeing him in Feb so not too long ago. Really nice guy though who I know through mutual friends. Sex is good with no red flags (until now!). Couldn’t have sex last night because I have my period so instead I suggested that he describe his biggest fantasy whilst I played with him.

Well, it turns out that his biggest fantasy (without going into the jaw dropping details) involves watching his female friends doing various private things, and when he actually came it was whilst talking about them using the loo.

Vom.

Fantasies are fine. I have my own and frankly I wouldn’t be entirely shame-free if in the cold light of day I had to describe the ones which sometimes got me off. There’s no way I’d ever actually do them.

But I don’t like his!! I don’t know whether it’s great that he felt he could be that honest, or a bit gross about what they actually were! I’m also not sure if I ever want to hear about those things again or whether indulging that kind of thing is OK.

Well you did ask OP.

The chances were always going to be you would find what he said gross. And tbh it could have been something that was even more upsetting.

I know! But, you know… keep some things to yourself! Maybe I’m a prude.

This is what I mean though. Should I actually be pleased that he was so comfortable with me that he’d admit to that kind of stuff?

So he fantasises about watching women sitting on the toilet having a wee or, god forbid, a poo? I'm not sure what's arousing about that (though realise some people have weird fetishes), but that would be a no from me. Did he mention any other "private things"? I'd be worried he's a bit of a voyeur and would want to (or may secretly) set a camera up in the bathroom.

You feel how you feel OP.

Personally I wouldn't be able to feel the same about him.
And I would feel very uncomfortable being in the company of him and the friends he fantasises about.----

It was the ‘God forbid’ option at the end.

It was all voyeur stuff. Shower, sex, loo.

I’m not sure I worry about him actually doing that stuff. I’ve fantasised about everyone from Brad Pitt to the postman over the years and have never actually tried to shag either of them. It was more just the topic.

That last bit has been bothering me in the last few minutes as I’ve been pondering. I know his friends,, some of whom we have in common. Next time I see his friend X I’ll know that I’ve got my boyfriend off describing her doing a poo. I mean, FGS…

This would gross me out, the fact that it’s his friends he thinks about. The spying on them and the toilet element.

Why would he tell you this? Is he testing the water for a threesome? Is he seeing how tolerant you are?

surely he knows this is not normal behaviour. I don’t think I could stay with him.

I told him to be as dirty as he wanted! That was an error.

I told him I’d not be upset so long as it didn’t involve kids or animals! Er… I was potentially lying.

I was grossed out. But then he was back to normal afterwards.

To be honest OP, if you allowed him the space to open up and say anything with the implied or explicit addition that you won’t judge, and it can be as dirty as possible, then I think this is more on you. Yes I absolutely get that it might seem weird that someone would want to watch someone do a poo (I don’t get it myself), but again, you did give him the space to say. I’m not sure how I think on the idea of him spying against someones knowledge, that’s what I’d be worried about more than anything. But besides that. It is what it is. If you are really affected by this then my suggestion is talk to him, and see where this kink comes from and try to understand? Or just know it’s just a fantasy and nothing more and move on

edit: and plus, his kink in theory, watching someone consenting, isn’t hurting anyone or immoral or illegal at least like some

I would end a relationship over this.

The whole ‘it’s just a fantasy, you did ask’ thing is nonsense. This fantasy tells you something about him. If a man fantasized about racially abusing women, you’d know he is a racist. If a man fantasized about cutting women, you’d know he is a misogynist. You wouldn’t think ‘aw, isn’t it lovely he trusts me enough to tell me’. It’s just boundary eroding shit that women are encouraged to think all this.

This man is a voyeur and a fetishist. I’d never feel safe that he hadn’t set up cameras. there was a case a few years back of a man who used to occasionally joke amongst his friends that he’d put cameras in their bathrooms. He had. ( he was also a prolific and sadistic online sex offender).

And OP, these are not even anonymous women, he’s fantasizing about his friends.

I would absolutely end it with this man. He likes eroding boundaries and feeling in control of women, so eroding yours whilst you felt obliged to keep on ‘servicing’ him, by telling you all that was probably a big part of the turn on for him.

I’d dump him without hesitation. It’s that old saying ‘when people tell you who they are, believe them. He’s very clearly told you who he is. Believe him.

I didn’t feel obliged. That bit’s not true.

Nah. I like a bit of voyeurism fantasy myself but for the love of god it never crossed my mind to consider someone might enjoy watching me take a dump 🤮

The type of fantasy honestly wouldn't bother me.

It's the fact it involves his friends. How can men and women be friends when the women are the subject of the man's sexual fantasies?

Did you stop when you felt grossed out by what he was saying? Or did you keep going till he came, despite feeling uncomfortable and disgusted by what he was saying?

Because that’s what I mean by feeling obliged. A lot of women find it hard to stop a sexual activity in situations like this, and a lot of men know this. Just look at how you have questioned your own reactions, even asking if you should think of it as a good thing that he ‘trusts’ you enough to tell you he gets hard by thinking of his and your friends taking a shit. Look at the responses here telling you it’s really your fault, and encouraging you not to trust or listen to your own reactions.

Yeah I agree, just focusing on someone using the bathroom, there’s nothing wrong with that imho IF both are consenting and like that. Heck my DH has seen me go plenty of times, just not in a sexual way.

The worrying thing is the secretly watching friends thing, and I do think that is very worrying, because it’s not consensual and he would know that. If a man said his fantasy would be to SA someone then I’d be leaving.

The fact that it was friends of his that he fantasised like this about would be the end for me.

I did keep going but at the time I was more surprised than anything. Even now that’s
probably my overriding emotion.

This really wouldn't bother me. Fantasies are just that, and sometimes they do represent a part of us that feels shameful or hidden. He felt comfortable enough with you to bring these to light, at your request. There's no evidence whatsoever that this man has ever contemplated actually putting in a camera to spy on people. And I will be honest, I find it refreshing that someone fantasises about real life women rather than porn and there are so many other fantasies I'd find much more disturbing.

If there were any other red flags that might be different, but this seems very much within the realm of normal to me.

I would have no issue with the friends.
I would have no issue with the poo.

But that's me. It can't be unsaid now. It's on you how you react and what you're comfortable with.

I'm struggling to understand why someone is likely to set up secret cameras because their FANTASY is watching someone on the toilet.

Some of my fantasies could easily be secretly cammed, but I don't even consider doing so, because they're fantasies.

Majority MN has a very strange take on sex. Try posting this on the sex board. You'll get a very different, and far more normal, response.

Oh god, no. Just no. I couldn't come back from this.

Surprised? Do you mean shocked?

It's a fantasy of watching someone do something. I could have a fantasy of watching a man showering and the fantasy itself might not cover whether I had asked him. Doesnt mean in real life I'm going to do things without consent.

You described your reactions as Vom, gross, and ‘not liking’ it.

You didn’t describe yourself as surprised.

At the time I was surprised. In the few minutes it was happening.
I’ve become more grossed out since. But I have mixed emotions, hence this thread.

Am I grossed out because those types of things do nothing for me? Or do I find him gross for liking them? I think it might be the former.

And is his thing voyeurism, or friends, or both?

Confusing.

I mean, he could watch me if he wanted I suppose. If it turns him on then ok. Rather that than porn! And should I be pleased he felt comfortable to even mention it?

It’s the fact it’s people he knows in real life, I’d be appalled if I knew my male friends were wanking at thoughts of me having a poo! And I’m honestly pretty laid back.