Really good or really bad? Fantasies chat with BF

[Foolonthepill]

I really don’t know if I think BF was being really open or too open last night!

Started seeing him in Feb so not too long ago. Really nice guy though who I know through mutual friends. Sex is good with no red flags (until now!). Couldn’t have sex last night because I have my period so instead I suggested that he describe his biggest fantasy whilst I played with him.

Well, it turns out that his biggest fantasy (without going into the jaw dropping details) involves watching his female friends doing various private things, and when he actually came it was whilst talking about them using the loo.

Vom.

Fantasies are fine. I have my own and frankly I wouldn’t be entirely shame-free if in the cold light of day I had to describe the ones which sometimes got me off. There’s no way I’d ever actually do them.

But I don’t like his!! I don’t know whether it’s great that he felt he could be that honest, or a bit gross about what they actually were! I’m also not sure if I ever want to hear about those things again or whether indulging that kind of thing is OK.

Same!

Exactly. And now that I know does it make me complicit?!

Complicit? It's a fantasy not a crime. If you cant get past it then you will need to end it.

Complicit in knowing information that would potentially upset people, I meant.

Well this is the problem with disclosing fantasies. I may be wrong but I can imagine many men fantasise about women they know as opposed to made up women. The issue here is the toilet element. But there are far worse fantasies he could have, and I'm not talking about anything illegal.

Yeah. He didn’t discuss actually wanting to shag any of them!

Oh noooo

I could never look at him the same

But I think from a place of finding him ridiculous for actually disclosing this fantasy, more than finding the actual fantasy offensive in some way

I went to a talk by a man ( quite young, maybe late twenties/ early thirties) who works in Australia with high school age kids to talk about porn. He said he has found that young women have had their boundaries eroded by porn (or porn culture even if they don’t watch porn) but don’t even realise their boundaries have been eroded.

This thread really reminds me of this.

Your boyfriend told you he sexually fantasises about your mutual female friends ( and his wider female friends). That alone is a clear binning off offence.

But more than that, he tells you in detail his sexual fantasies about your mutual friends. Again, clear binning offence.
But more than that, he tells you his detailed fantasies about your mutual female mutual female friends whilst you are masturbating him to orgasm. Very, very, very clear binning offence.

And even more than that, these fantasies about your mutual friends, are ones that nearly everybody would have a normal, healthy disgust response to as they involve excrement. And that’s the one that brought him to orgasm.

And still you doubt your quite normal, healthy adverse reaction to all of this. And there are people on this thread, encouraging you to distrust your normal, healthy adverse reaction.

It genuinely upsets me that women are raised now in a culture where they doubt or suppress their normal, healthy disturbed responses to all this.

I would, without hesitation, bin this guy off.

And thats even without getting onto the issue of whether he could be someone who might convert film you. Yes, not all fantasists act theirs out, but all men who convertly film women fantasied about it first. And your BF is a man who has already shown himself to be prepared to push boundaries as he has already pushed past the very clear boundary of telling his GF that he fantasises about their mutual friends. And whilst his GF is masturbating him too. And those fantasies include shit.

And the minimizing ‘it could be worse’ comments on here 🙄

It could be a lot better too.

Most men manage to get through life without telling their GF their fantasises involve watching her mates have sex, take a shower or take a shit. Most men manage this.

I can’t stop thinking about this thread 🤣 it’s so gross

I’d like to retract what I said earlier about not finding the actual fantasy offensive…

why is your boyfriend telling you he fantasises about other women?! Not even celebrities… actual women you know! And then there’s the poo!

You told him to be ‘dirty’. You sure he wasn’t pulling your leg pretending to get off to someone having a poo?? 😂

I honestly couldn’t take that seriously. If he was serious I’m not sure I could get past the ick. Most fantasies should stay in your head. This is a prime example!

I said he could be dirty. It wasn’t a command.

He absolutely wasn’t joking. He came.

Frankly, he should have been bright enough to edit out certain parts. He sounds emotionally thick.

The ‘women I know’ thing is now bothering me more than the poo thing I think!

I’d rather him watch me poo than watch our mate showering!

@Treatedmeis spot on.

Yeah I think that would be the worst bit for me too

The poo element is gross, but maybe part of the reason it’s such a fantasy for him is because it’s so taboo (I’m clutching at straws here)

I’d be offended if my boyfriend fantasised about another women doing anything, even something completely normal. Let alone being such a moron to think telling me is a good idea? My respect for him would have died I think.

You got what you wanted, which was to hear his fantasies. You can't complain about getting what you wanted.

Fantasies are exactly that, doesn't mean he's going to be a rabid voyeur and start lurking in the bushes.

Agree completely. The dial has shifted into the realm of the WTF when this kind of shit (forgive the pun) is in any way normalised. I've had a fair few sexual partners, was married for 15 years and never have I felt the need to hear or have my partners felt the need to share anything like this, a bit of very generic dirty talk focused on each other maybe but that's it. The OP's experience with this guy us gross but what is disturbing is that he would think she would be cool with if and that some here agree with that.

This would put me off OP. Being in a relationship with a man puts any woman at risk, and that requires careful consideration.

Maybe he would never act on his fantasies, but the thrill of voyeurism for men is underpinned by a lack of consent.

The man is hidden, and the women go about things that they would never allow anyone else to watch, even things they would consider embarrassing or demeaning if doing them in the presence of others.

It's a possibility that there's an extra layer of forbidden for him here, by making the object of his fantasies his so called female friends, knowing they would be either disgusted or horrified if they knew he was watching them in this way.

When I read about things like this, it just reminds me of why I'll probably be celibate for the rest of my life 😕

I wanted to get him off cos it’s TOTM and we couldn’t shag! I didn’t want him to tell me he wants to watch his mates on the loo!

This would put me off OP. Being in a relationship with a man puts any woman at risk, and that requires careful consideration.

Maybe he would never act on his fantasies, but the thrill of voyeurism for men is underpinned by a lack of consent.

The man is hidden, and the women go about things that they would never allow anyone else to watch, even things they would consider embarrassing or demeaning if doing them in the presence of others.

It's a possibility that there's an extra layer of forbidden for him here, by making the object of his fantasies his so called female friends, knowing they would be either disgusted or horrified if they knew he was watching them in this way.

When I read about things like this, it just reminds me of why I'll probably be celibate for the rest of my life 😕

But you don't get to control his fantasies.

You can only choose how to respond.

You asked him to be as dirty as he liked, he was and now you’re offended

You didn’t think this through very well

Lots of thoughts people have about their friends would upset them if they knew about them which is precisely why we don’t tell them.

If your boyfriend had confessed that he’s actually been spying on his friends taking a dump, that would make you complicit. But he didn’t. He just told you he was fantasising about it. Therefore nothing harmful or violating has occurred and you are not complicit in anything.

I completely understand that you find the whole fantasy gross - it would be a turn-off for me too and I probably wouldn’t want to hear about it. But I don’t think for one moment that it means he’s a predator or that there’s something wrong with him or that his fantasy is harmful. I also think it’s important to remember that you did tell him to be as dirty as he wanted and essentially offered him a space in which to share thoughts that might be considered a taboo.

“Be as dirty as you want.”

”Are you sure?”

”Yes.”

”Well my dirtiest fantasy is - “

”No, not like THAT.”

It’s really not fair to suggest someone can tell you anything, and then blame them for telling you anything.