Managing when one of your children is just in all honesty a lot nicer than the other

[Thisdayinjune]

I have two children, a girl who is four and a boy who is two.

My daughter has some great qualities but they often get lost beneath the sullenness and argumentative nature she seems to have … it kicked in when she was three and shoes no signs of leaving any time soon. She’s five in December.

We’re driving and I say ‘ooh that was a steep hill.’ She says ‘no it’s NOT.’ I say it’s hot today, she says ‘it ISN’T.’ If you just sort of ‘oh OK’ that she keeps coming back at you with ‘it ISN’T hot, mummy, it ISN’T.’ That’s the answer to everything; tidy up, why, it’s messy, no it’s NOT. Following any sort of discipline with her is difficult and I don’t let some behaviours slide but ignore some, praise the good, sometimes do shout (I’m not perfect) but I do try, I really honestly do.

Then I had her brother and it was a bit like … I get why people enjoy parenting. He’s not a unicorn child; he has tantrums and he has whingey moments and normal child stuff but I feel like he wants to please me, he enjoys spending time with me and seeks my love and my approval.

So I have this horrible dynamic where I do have a favourite child. I know I’ll get replies along the lines of ‘this happened to me and it ruined my life’ which is fair enough except I’m not choosing to feel like this, I hate that I do, I’d give anything to have a normal and loving relationship with DD but it’s just not there at the moment.

Personally, i think parenting is a lifelong thing. There will be a time when your son will be closer to his dad (is he on the scene) or other people. You just work with what you have. You love them. Carry on plugging away at it.
Maybe instead of comments that she can say oppose you on get her point of view instead and make conversation. At least she isn't afraid to air her views.
I do get it, I have a mil who will always contradict herself as she doesn't like having anything in common with me.
You'll get there, promise

We don't always like people we meet. We certainly don't like everyone we know. The narrative is we should all adore our children and see no faults but that simply isn't true. All I would say is, bear in mind she is only very young. She will grow older and your relationship will change. Those things you see as faults may develop into something you admire in her when she's finding her way in the world. All you can do is love her, and be there, even if at times you don't like her all that much.

It’s going to ebb and flow. He’s two! He doesn’t have a fully formed personality yet, come back when he’s 15.

I felt a bit like this when my two were young. They’re teens now and DD is amazing. Lovely, funny, mostly considerate and we’re really close. She’s pretty much my favourite person to spend time with.

Parenting is a long game and just because at this stage you feel closer to your DS now doesn’t mean it will always be that way.

It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

My experience is that they pass the Arsehole Baton back and forth until they reach adulthood. They’ve all had their less than delightful phases and phases when they’ve been the easy one.

Age 8 DD was a limpet who only wanted me and found her father substandard. Age 19 and the pair of them are thick as thieves and love doing things together. DS1 would argue with me that black was white out of sheer obstinacy when he was little. He is fantastic company in his 20s and we go to the movies together.

I don’t have a favourite child but one of mine is much easier going than the other. She is more affectionate and forgiving. She chats to us and tells us stuff. She was an incredibly easy toddler etc. Tantrums were rare, she loved doing anything you suggested, behaved beautifully in all situations.
The other is just much more stubborn and contrary. She was more stroppy and irrational. She continues to be harder to get along with at 12. She is more reticent and prone to eye rolling and attitude and being rather unkind sometimes. BUT she is also independent and has a wonderful, fast wit. She spots the same things I do when we’re out and about and we laugh together a lot. She’s competitive and hates to be wrong which is where some of it comes from I think.
I love them both to death.
You need to work hard on changing your mindset here. She will change as she grows but your opinion of her may be more obvious to her than you’d like to think.
What are her good qualities, she must have some. Try to stay out of pointless arguments with her. She’s 4. Have boundaries but let the smaller things go.
’It’s hot’
’ No it’s not mummy’
’Oh, ok’
’It’s NOT mummy’
’Ok, let’s talk about something else, what shall we have for tea?…’

It’s her age, she’s learning that she’s not an extension of you and is practicing using her voice. It’s a phase and will pass probably to be replaced by something else equally annoying. So you can choose how to respond and what you want to teach her. How about, didn’t you think it was. It was for me. So you allow her her opinion, and allow yourself not to agree and get into conflict. Give her choices rather than decisions ( I assume that she’s probably kicking back on that as well) but always make sure that either option are one that you are happy with. That way you only have to fight the battles you need to.
Little brother will probably follow suit - unless he learns it best not to disagree with the grown ups and just keep quiet.

Thats the sad thing about parenting- your always catching up and everyday they become a little more independent and don’t need you.

I also try and spot which relative they take after - although sometimes it’s me!

Shes 4. They are very wilful and defiant at this age. My 4 year old says awful things.
In comparison its easy to overlook my young toddlers bad behaviour because hes just a walking talking baby.
Give it another 2 years and your girl may be a sweet and intelligent 6 year old and its the 4 year old driving you mad!
Look back on some old pics of your eldest to try and reclaim that feeling of when they could do no wrong haha.

@Smartiepants79 I do get what you’re trying to say but when she’s in that sort of argumentative mood she’s having an argument, even if you say nothing she’ll just shout at you.

She’s starting school in less than three months and isn’t properly toilet trained; we’ve had accidents every day this week.

She’s so obnoxious to me. It does affect me and I know I need to be the adult but sometimes I just want to go about my day without forcing a smile on and pretending.

DS is two I know. But DD was two once and I can tell you now who was easier. I love spending time with DS. I dread it with DD.

This is what I’m trying to say @Wavescrashingonthebeach . It isn’t a difficult four year old. She was a difficult baby, a tricky one year old, awful at two, awful at three and awful at four.

Stuff like this comes in phases I find 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ Although I do have one that’s just always been exponentially easier and way way more chilled than the other two 😂
DC1 went through an extremely difficult phase around 4, then seemed to level out a bit, then ages 7/8 was really difficult again, then back to easier at 8/9. Now puberty is beginning to rear its head and parenting her is back to being an uphill struggle 🫠

I guess my point is that children have different personalities anyway, then throw in all the developmental milestones happening in their little brains and every child is going to navigate that differently. Personalities clash even when it’s between parents and children. DC1 is like a carbon copy of her dad - doesn’t mean I love her any less, just means I find it a lot harder to parent her than the other two who are a lot more like me personality-wise. This phase with your children will absolutely pass, and you’ll probably have a good chunk of time where they both seem like they’ve had personality transplants 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

I see. To be fair, my eldest was alot harder at all stages in every way too. Maybe were just getting better at parenting so the 2nd seems easier!?
There's no judgement from me op its ok to have these thoughts when theyre being bloody hard work.
Deep breath and try and get some time to yourself so that the frustration doesn't bubble over too much.
And once alot calmer maybe try and take eldest out just you and her to make her feel special. Even if you hold it in, she may sense the resentment so its worth working harder at that bond.

I’d give anything to have a normal and loving relationship with DD but it’s just not there at the moment.

It doesn't mean it will never be, take heart. As others have said, it's stages, and some will be easier than others. Some are downright infuriating, but you can't compare a 2 yo and a 4yo who are different people entirely. I don't have any particular advice, other than you're in the lead here, you are the adult and as such direct and inform the relationship you will have with your DD, and you don't have to attend every argument to which you're invited. Agree to disagree, and move the conversation on.

I’ve always had that question at the back of my head too:

my DC3 is and always has been an incredibly chilled out child. She barely cried as a baby, was such a sunny toddler - I’m not exaggerating when I say she’s had maybe 4 tantrums in her whole life…..but then I wonder is she actually more chilled than the other two? Or do I just know what I’m doing third time around?! 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😂

Yes of course, but it does massively take its toll on you when a harmless remark leads to ten minutes of arguing.

She isn’t like this all of the time and I’m sure things are hard for her as well. But I don’t find her enjoyable to be around. Mostly I feel irritable and guilty.

Some kids are just...like that? They require a lot more parenting/guidance. More weird tricks and skills. My dd, autistic, only had her, I could not have managed another child. She needed my sole attention. Another freind had 3 and her last child was extremely difficult to handle/guide compared to the others who seemed so laid back by comparison. Genuinely, it's just personality. You learn to appreciate the wilfulness eventually (they tend not to give in to peer pressure etc) but not without eating a ton of humble pie along the parenting journey.

I’d bet money on neurodivergence. She’s looking for control. (Source: am autistic, went through the same thing with my autistic daughter.)

Maybe but whether she’s neurodivergent or not it isn’t going to make her any easier to be around. It sounds really brutal and awful but I don’t really care whether it’s caused by autism or caused by just a difficult personality: the outcome for me is the same.

Have you tried the whole “ignore bad behaviour, praise good behaviour”? I found that very useful.

I think of it as one child being easier for me to parent because their personality clicks easier for me than one being nicer than the other. My “stubborn” child gets along with their peers just fine so I think it’s about what I find easier rather a problem with personality.

The one who would have disagreed for the sake of it turned out into a “normal” adult who doesn’t behave like that any more and doesn’t annoy his gf like that (phew!) Being contrary attracted attention and would sometimes make his peers laugh. That streak came in handy when he wasn’t easily peer pressured as a teen- I worried about that more with my other son who was so chill that he didn’t go through terrible twos or threenager.

If it is neurodivergence then you’ll know that she’s not being like that out of spite and it’s not your parenting that’s the cause.

If it is a negative disposition then you’ll feel less shitty when she feels the consequences of her behaviour.

It could be immaturity. The hill was steep but she managed to walk to the top without a problem so she should have said “The hill wasn’t too steep for me to get to the top “ which would have been a positive comment that wouldn’t annoy everyone else.

I don’t want to be unkind and I suspect you’re mainly here to just rant and get your feelings out.
You have got to work to find a way out of this negative mindset you have for her. If she is ND then of course it makes a difference. I’m not saying she is but if you believe that to be a possibility you need to do something about it. If she is ND then this is not going to get magically better, it will only get worse.
Does she attend any child care setting?? How does she behave for others?

I know what you mean about the punishment vicious cycle.

My other son is naturally compliant and never even tried to run into a road so I rarely had to tell him off. To a sibling it could look like I love him more because I rarely tell him off but there usually wasn’t a reason to do that. He would usually listen first time so I don’t have to raise my voice.

Although I only have one DC, I can relate in the sense that most of the time, parenting my DD is just really fucking hard. She is wilful and argumentative on top of the all the regular 3 yo behaviour. I look around at other people's 3 and 4 year olds and wonder who I pissed off 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️🙄

I kind of know where you are coming from OP. My 2 year old is just a much more easy going, cheery person than my 5 year old. Always has been. As far as children go, it’s much easier to parent a compliant, cheerful, glass-half-full one then a more highly strung, argumentative, glass-half-empty one.

DC1 was horrendous at 3 and 4. But has settled down since becoming 5. He’s still a lot of hard work and needs a lot of input. But he’s also exceptionally quick, clever, fair and perceptive. We are beginning to see more positive aspects to his personality as opposed to the negative side, which predominated in toddlerhood/early childhood.