Managing when one of your children is just in all honesty a lot nicer than the other

[Thisdayinjune]

I have two children, a girl who is four and a boy who is two.

My daughter has some great qualities but they often get lost beneath the sullenness and argumentative nature she seems to have … it kicked in when she was three and shoes no signs of leaving any time soon. She’s five in December.

We’re driving and I say ‘ooh that was a steep hill.’ She says ‘no it’s NOT.’ I say it’s hot today, she says ‘it ISN’T.’ If you just sort of ‘oh OK’ that she keeps coming back at you with ‘it ISN’T hot, mummy, it ISN’T.’ That’s the answer to everything; tidy up, why, it’s messy, no it’s NOT. Following any sort of discipline with her is difficult and I don’t let some behaviours slide but ignore some, praise the good, sometimes do shout (I’m not perfect) but I do try, I really honestly do.

Then I had her brother and it was a bit like … I get why people enjoy parenting. He’s not a unicorn child; he has tantrums and he has whingey moments and normal child stuff but I feel like he wants to please me, he enjoys spending time with me and seeks my love and my approval.

So I have this horrible dynamic where I do have a favourite child. I know I’ll get replies along the lines of ‘this happened to me and it ruined my life’ which is fair enough except I’m not choosing to feel like this, I hate that I do, I’d give anything to have a normal and loving relationship with DD but it’s just not there at the moment.

I can empathise because my son was very difficult, strong willed, argumentative, talking back etc etc.
It was very hard at times but when I lost my temper or disconnected from him his behavior was getting visibly worse.
He is the most amazing teenager now and everyone comments on how polite and kind he is. He is also confident, clever and strong which are great qualities when channelled well. He turned out much better then kids who were easy people pleasers.

Difficult children need a lot of love. They also need very firm boundaries. Ask once then give ONE warning then consequences. Make consequences as natural, logical as possible and set them calmly as matter of a fact and NOT as power struggle. Then praise and acknowledge if she does well. Rinse and repeat. Don't allow situations to escalate as then it becomes a vicious cycle.
Nobody is going to feel sorry for you here because people are very aware of how toxic favourism is, most will be worried about your child not an adult who made a decision to bring this child into the world.

Anyone can understand some kids are very difficult and exhausting but saying you wish she wasn't here or that you don't like her is completely different then just finding her hard. It's almost like now that you have your perfect easy child you wish you didn't have the faulty one. Sounds awful. Especially that they are both such a young age and the dynamic can completely change or you can face many other challenges with both of them in the future. Parenting is not easy and children are not here to please us and make us happy. They are with us so we can raise them into well rounded adults. And for most people it's a struggle sometimes.

To be fair she does sound like she has some sensory needs and she's trying to fulfill them. So what seems like 'boisterous' full on behaviour is her trying to fill her sensory cup from you, and you are rightly perhaps, feeling touched out. When she's sitting next to you and being wiggly would a weighted blanket help?
I would also slowly start teaching her to meditate/do some yoga. I find it really calmed my 'fizzier' child down and gave him some self regulation tools.
If you see her not as a boisterous child but as someone whose brain and body are telling her to do things that end up being, to you, irritating, then perhaps when you have some headspace, you can look at strategies that tackle the root cause rather than simply consequences.
So maybe when she comes in, she does have this physical outlet, kicks everything off, goes a bit mad, and you just let it unfold, and then give her a snack, just allow the steam to come off, and THEN she helps you pick up after herself. Thinking ahead to her as an adult, maybe she will always have this physical side to her personality, but she will need to channel it and to be able to let it out, and then mop up afterwards (IYSWIM).

My much loved 7 year old behaved like a bit of a knob at that age and is now delightful. She once had a full on tantrum lasting about an hour when I told her the pronunciation of potato was not potaypto.

Now my 4 year old son is engaging in knobheadery or his own, having been a delight age 2. They're both likely to outgrow it and become more settled in time - I (loved but) did not like my 7 year old very much for quite some time at that age.

She doesn’t kick me aggressively, it’s more that when she’s near something or someone it’s as if she has to put her feet all over it / them. I’ve bollocked her numerous times for it; still she keeps doing it.

How does she react if you stroke her feet? As a child I threw myself around a lot. I liked anything that swung me around and I’d kick my legs or fidget often. I found it really soothing to have my back or feet touched, and that sometimes stopped me from needing to move so much. If it’s either attention seeking or sensory seeking this might help her as well?

Yeah. My mum thought that. I’m 51 and non contact with her.

I would be tempted to follow the conversation with your dd and see where it goes.
”it’s hot”
”no it’s not mummy”
”ok, what is the weather today ? What shall we say it is?”

id give her a question for each statement she makes so she can explain herself. It will help her reflect on what she is saying. I suspect it is her way of expressing herself and controlling the narrative, so throw it back and let her take some control.

Does she play football? She sounds like it would be perfect for her. Help her burn some energy and kick something in a positive way. I hope things improve for you. Sounds tough.

Hi op @Thisdayinjune you could have described my life a few years ago… my ds wasn’t as rude but his behaviour was unmanageable, it sounds like asd/adhd to me, the wriggling and demand avoidance are signs of autism and adhd. You’re right it will be hard with a diagnosis but the medication for adhd has made life so much easier I enjoy parenting now and never thought I would. Ultimately it’s your life and family, but I understand how you feel.

My 12yo DD was difficult at 2, 4, 8 and is difficult now. She has 3 younger siblings who she is intensely jealous of. In the last two years she has started to threaten to kill them or to kill herself on occasion. I wouldn't dare leave her alone with them. She experiences very strong emotions. She is always arguing the point. She is demand avoidant, she does not respond to praise. She has had various expensive assessments (no diagnoses); she has had a year of psychology. I have done two parenting courses (one online, one 1:1 with a social worker). She remains the same. She is very difficult to like. Her younger siblings are far easier to engage with and are much more likeable.

It is hard work trying to build a positive relationship when a child is so resistant, even at 4yo. I feel ya!

She may sense your favouritism and play out her pain.

@LettingyougoMovingOn The op has made the point several times that the issues have been there since her dd was a baby.

I’m really sorry. This must be so exhausting, demoralising and upsetting. Not at all what you would wish for.

This disagreeable nature reminds me of a girl I know of who was diagnosed with some sort of ‘Oppositional Defiant Disorder’.

I know almost nothing about it but it might be worth doing some research.

In general though, I’m just so sorry for you. It’s tough. I had one child who was ‘difficult’ - rigid, argumentative, self-centred etc. My younger child was ‘a breeze’ (and still is - thoughtful, kind, asks be how I am etc). But when she went into six weeks of counselling for a work burnout episode it came up, really strongly, that a lot of her issues come from people pleasing. And her people pleasing came from the family dynamic where her older sister was such a nightmare that she felt she couldn’t burden me with any of her own struggles and had to be The Perfect Child so as not to add to the family woes because we were all already at capacity with her older sister.

I obviously regret that this is how it was for her. Just because a kid is being ‘easy’ doesn’t mean they don’t need as much attention.

She sounds like my stepdaughter who has ADHD and I suspect is also on the ASD spectrum. Horrible to be around, headstrong, doesn’t listen, always right, chaotic, doesn’t stop moving, demands attention non stop, nothing is ever good enough. It’s exhausting and honestly is going to end my marriage because I can’t cope with it and neither can the parents. My advice would be get a full diagnosis and if there are ND issues work with the school and experts to manage the situation. From friends in similar positions the ‘right’ interventions can make a difference to the child’s behaviour and improve your relationship. You need to accept that this is who your child is and deal with who is in front of you. I know from experience pretending she is ‘normal’ and continuing as you are will make things worse - by the time she is 10
ahe will be unbearable.

Just completely blank the argumentative comments, and respond to everything else. It’ll take a will of steel, but eventually it will stick.

Whether or not she has some sort of ND issues she won’t be diagnosed for a long time if ever. I’m actually not convinced at all she does but the effect is still the same.

I’m not seeking parenting advice but thanks.

Come on she’s 4!!!

You really need to educate yourself about child development.

I wouldn't say 'oh ok' when she contradicts you. I would say something like, 'I think it's hot but that she thinks it isn't hot'. Maybe throw in a positive like, it's great that she isn't hot as then she won't be feeling hot on the walk/in the car later, or anything like that to put a positive spin on it.
Then she knows that it's ok for people to have different viewpoints but that also she cannot impose her opinion on you.

You’re only human OP? Don’t you have a best friend? Or what about a pet who was closest to you? It’s about energies and dynamics, which of course shift over time. I think most parents have a child they prefer, just because they may get along better or have more in common, this doesn’t mean the child should know that’s the case.

Oh gosh this is honestly us except mine are probably 6 months older. (Reception summer born girl nearly 5).

she’s just always been difficult. From day 1. There was a long period of time where I absolutely hated her and felt she had ruined our lives. Unless you’ve had a child like this it’s difficult to comprehend. My 2.5 yo has just always been a breeze in comparison. DD still fights everything, every step throughout the day, breakfast, getting dressed, washing hands. She will even refuse to go to the toilet just to find a fight.

the issue it’s having on our marriage. My husband is so resentful and worn down over her. I used to be, but it gets to a point you just have to force yourself see the positives, let go a bit and reduce the battles you pick. I don’t doubt she will probably at some point be diagnosed SEN, possible PDA. But she’s not meeting any thresholds at the moment. Hopefully she grows out of it. The issue will be whether my marriage survives.

What are you seeking? I agree I don’t think she does I think you possibly have PND and didn’t bond with her properly and are now in a negative cycle with her. Something I have said in posts before and something you have ignored.

because this is potentially fixable - fixable by you looking at your reactions and working on them.

the one thing parenting has taught me and it is true in all of life - no you can control others but you can work and control and decide on your responses and how you respond directly correlates to how she responds.

and also look at motivation- you hate she puts her feet on you but that very well could be her trying to bond. My 16 year old had a panic the other week and needed me and she went straight back to feet all over me as a comfort sign. you getting angry means she feels more alone and needing or comfort she puts her feet on you and rinse and repeat

You have the power here as the adult and parent to make the change and right this. So do so

Otherwose you are in for a very bumpy ride and a non contact child at the end of it

Setting aside your DD’s behaviour (and bloody hell, it sounds exhausting!), what can you do for yourself to make it easier for you to manage her and manage being with her?

Is her dad involved or are you a single parent? If he is, is she as tricky for him as she is for you?

Do you get enough rest? Enough/Any time by yourself to recharge? (I can hear the hollow laughter from here…) Do you work?

Mine are slightly older but DC1 has been tricky from day 1. Probably because he’s been autistic from day 1 (and probably ADHD but undiagnosed). Plus another diagnosis. You get the picture. I hear what you say about the root cause of the issue being less relevant than the impact. But for us, life has been easier since we got to the bottom of what the issues were and what was causing him to be so dysregulated at times, and tried to adjust things so he is able to show us his better side more often (if that makes sense). I am lucky in that I love both of mine equally but temperamentally, DC1 can be trickier to be around.

Anyway, setting aside diagnosis and moving onto coping techniques - on a day to day basis, we sometimes divide and rule, as DC1 is far less argumentative for DH than for me. We have enough of an age gap that days out often are in pairs rather than as a foursome. This works well as DC1 is frankly far less of an arsehole when receiving undivided adult attention. (Please don’t judge, I love DC1 to bits - but they can be Very Hard Work).

I also have various techniques ranging from non-committal answers to being very firm about whether or not things are up for discussion, as DC1 is very verbal.

I work part time which is bliss now they’re both in school as I can get things done and also have the odd coffee without being interrogated/having to break up a fight, etc. I do think there has to be an emphasis on keeping your own cup as full as possible to maximise your own ability to cope.

It can all change op

my difficult/challenging child is now much easier to manage and on the whole a nice human ( teen now)and my easy going smiling happy child has not stayed that way… at all

First, a strong recommendation of a book: How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. This was the most practically useful parenting book I ever read. Several techniques that worked much better than I could have imagined; perhaps the underlying theme is that the approaches are developmentally appropriate and don't fall into the trap of expecting a child to behave like an adult, but still get you past tricky situations. That seems like what you need!

The technique from it that comes to mind in the contradiction scenario you describe is "grant wishes in fantasy". It's not an exact match: the paradigmatic example of that is something more like the kid who wants to go to the sea right now when you can't, and instead of explaining why you can't, you say something more like "I wish I had a teleporter that could take us to the sea right now! What should we do first, swim, or make a sandcastle...". The idea is that you're empathising - instead of dismissing a genuine wish, you're acknowledging it and entering into it, while at the same time making clear that it's not something that can happen in reality. In this case, when she's in a contradict-everything mode, I think I might interpret it as a wish to get out of the situation where you always know better than she does - you almost always do, but this must be very frustrating for her! So I might try saying "hang on, let me grab my [DD]-is-always-right-hat", mime slapping it onto my head, and then say "yes, you're absolutely right, it's very hot" or whatever. Don't mock her with it - it's a game. Let her have fun with it - maybe say 2+2=4, let her contradict it, agree with her that 2+2=5 or whatever.

I know, that's all parenting advice and you've said you don't want it and have posted in Relationships. But she's 4 and you're the parent! This isn't a relationship where she's co-responsible for it and it's ok for you to be angry with her about how she's behaving in it. You feeling frustrating is one thing, but it's essential you remember you're the adult here and it is your job to parent her and behave in the relationship so that it will work. If you're consistently finding that difficult then what you need is help for you. Therapy, perhaps, or maybe first to ask yourself how your own health is - are you physically underpar in a way you might be able to act on, or depressed? It's important.

I really didn’t find that book at all helpful @AureliaRachel , sorry. It’s always suggested on here but I didn’t find anything in it that I could really use.

It could all change and she’s got some great qualities. She is just a LOT.

@Tiswa its relationships, I’m posting about our relationship. I am not posting about the minutiae of a particular habit or how to manage it (I’ve said at least seven times ignoring it doesn’t work and people still keep telling me to ignore it.)

@ThisCatCanHop not a lot of spare time; none really, it isn’t anyone’s fault. It is just how it is. I work three days a week.

Thanks for the solidarity. It has a grinding down effect over time and it’s good when others ‘get’ that.

I am curious as to why you think she's not ND because to a lot of parents with ND she sounds like their child. Also as a girl there is a possibility she is 'masking' and actually her dysregulation is far worse than it appears.
The effect might be the same for you, but the solutions if she is ND and if she's not, are different.

Just to say I have a physically disabled child with co-ordination difficulties. I can throw all the physio in the world at him, and he can't run, swim and jump as fast as his peers. That's the reality of it. You can be the greatest parent in the world, but if your daughter has some disabilities then outwardly she will not behave like other children, no matter what parenting techniques and tools you throw at her. You have to use techniques that work for her disability and you have to have different expectations- she may never behave like your DS does, her reactions may never be like that. And that may be something (a form of grief) you have to deal with.