Managing when one of your children is just in all honesty a lot nicer than the other

[Thisdayinjune]

I have two children, a girl who is four and a boy who is two.

My daughter has some great qualities but they often get lost beneath the sullenness and argumentative nature she seems to have … it kicked in when she was three and shoes no signs of leaving any time soon. She’s five in December.

We’re driving and I say ‘ooh that was a steep hill.’ She says ‘no it’s NOT.’ I say it’s hot today, she says ‘it ISN’T.’ If you just sort of ‘oh OK’ that she keeps coming back at you with ‘it ISN’T hot, mummy, it ISN’T.’ That’s the answer to everything; tidy up, why, it’s messy, no it’s NOT. Following any sort of discipline with her is difficult and I don’t let some behaviours slide but ignore some, praise the good, sometimes do shout (I’m not perfect) but I do try, I really honestly do.

Then I had her brother and it was a bit like … I get why people enjoy parenting. He’s not a unicorn child; he has tantrums and he has whingey moments and normal child stuff but I feel like he wants to please me, he enjoys spending time with me and seeks my love and my approval.

So I have this horrible dynamic where I do have a favourite child. I know I’ll get replies along the lines of ‘this happened to me and it ruined my life’ which is fair enough except I’m not choosing to feel like this, I hate that I do, I’d give anything to have a normal and loving relationship with DD but it’s just not there at the moment.

This really is something that YOU need to find a coping mechansim for. Your posts about your DD are all about how her behaviour affects you. You should be more worried about how she is feeling.

Some of the behaviours you descibe are not so bad or are easy to ignore. It sounds like she's getting a lot of negativity from you overtly and tacitly.

Any mistakes you make with her now can never be undone.

But @Thisdayinjune parenting is like all other relationships where the only bit you can control is how you react and here it is your reactions that I think might be part of it.

where it is different is that it can become toxic and for the most part when a relationship becomes toxic the best and wisest thing to do is walk away. Yet you can’t with parenting.

so what you need to reset and that starts with you. I went down a bad spiral with DS and it was easy to look at how his behaviour affected it but I needed to look at mine, how my reactions shaped his and what he needed from me. And what he needed was my unconditional support and tools to cope with his behaviour and emotions and not my judgment or punishment- and we got through that stage and are much better equipped to get through the next one

you scale back to try and understand as well

it is hard and it is tough and in any other situation you would walk away. But you cant

Well, you could educate yourself on neurodivergence and see if she’s finding the expectations of a neurotypical world too difficult to deal with and try some adjustments, or you can write her off and doom her to a lifetime of her mother hating her. Good luck with that …

Both of mine are incredibly strong wild, oppositional, and wriggly (daughter has grown out of that but son still just can’t keep still). They are also athletic, academic, kind, interesting, have lots of friends and are incredibly well behaved at school.

they don’t have ND or ADHD but they are absolutely a challenge to parent well. Ie to not get into constant battles, not to put them down, to ensure they grow up feeling loved and brilliant as they are.

You won’t change your daughter. You can only change your response to her. I suspect her behaviour is triggering for you (look to your own upbringing). So I’d consider counselling. And yes, if normal behaviour in a 4 year old makes you dislike her, I’d say a parenting course is needed.

@Thisdayinjune I could be your adult daughter. What you are describing sounds exactly like how my mother found me to be a 'challenge' and my siblings to be easier. Believe me, she will notice that her brother is the favourite — and it will leave a mark. Don’t underestimate how deeply it can affect her.

I haven’t said how I feel is right and I’m not here to say it is. I’m here to try to address it and change it.

Being told ‘it is wrong and will affect her’ is not helpful to be honest. I am sorry for your distress but with respect do you think I’ll read that and think ‘oh wow, must change’? I already know something has to change which is why I’m here!

Do bear in mind though that you’ve caught me on an exceptionally hot and difficult weekend. I don’t think it’s quite as bad as perhaps I’ve painted it but with that being said I do have more patience for DS and find him easier.

I don’t think finding one child easier is a problem. It’s when this tips into a preference, even a perceived one, that it’s an issue.

That sounds really hard.

As you don’t want to have her adopted (obvs!) how about approaching your relationship like you might a tricky colleague or family member?

So minimise things you find tricky to do together e.g. is swimming lessons are hard could that be something her Dad does with her? Make sure you have plenty of support to help you be as resilient as possible, regular breaks, nights away, times during the week when you aren’t responsible for her. I don’t think this is running away, this is looking after yourself so when you are together you can be your best most patient, least likely to explode parent. Are you managing to exercise and eat well? If not, start.

Get back up, any adults who your daughter seems to click with encourage the relationship as much as possible so they have a range of adults in their lives, not just you.

If there’s anything that you do manage to do together successfully keep doing it regardless of behaviour e.g bike ride/mcdonalds drive through.

You need to practice liking her so even if it’s been a rubbish day write down one thing a day that has been good about her.

It sounds like you’ve thought of and tried all the different parenting strategies so that’s as good as it can be at the moment, but I am very sure that the happier you are the easier you’ll find putting them into practice. You had a baby in COVID- none of this was as easy as it could have been.

Thank you.

I would say the main issue is not that she’s difficult but because she’s so energetic and boisterous I find I almost constantly have to be on at her.

I am not seeking advice here: this is illustrative. Today we were at a park with a large sandpit. DD starts digging with huge enthusiasm sending sand flying everywhere. I tell her to stop; it takes two attempts but she does. Then zooms off to go on a slide and sits at the bottom for ages so no other kids can come down so I have to tell her to move. She ignores me at first but moves when I go over there. Then she’s digging again and being careless with it. You get the picture.

So this isn’t all bad and she did strike up quite a nice friendship with two other kids there which calmed her down a bit but I still felt like I was nagging at her constantly. However, I can’t ignore her covering other kids in sand or the slide thing really. So a typical outing is constant DD no, don’t do that, no stay here, wait, DD put it down, I said put it down. By the end of the day you’re exhausted and she’s tuned you out.

What do you want to change about it? Do you want her to feel better or you to be ok with it? Or both?

She's 4 and your ds is 2. Some 4 yos are boisterous, some are argumentative, tbh most need telling no a lot to (whether their parents actually do or not is another matter). Some are compliant and easy going

Being more compliant as a toddler doesn't make your personality better or worse. It doesn't define your whole life. I don't even think it ages you more likeable, it just makes you easier.

Incidentally you describe her being terrible as a baby and toddler, but yet you still had a second child. Do you think you are looking back with the opposite of rose tinted goggles?

I know you're having a rough time OP…..

But having read back through it all, and a lot of the scenarios you describe - today at the park, DD being boisterous and so energetic etc…….Honestly? All sounds in the realm of a normal 4 year old.

My DS has always been a feral beast of a child. He would do everything you’ve described at the park at this age (although instead of sitting at the bottom of the slide, he’d be the one attempting to scale the whole thing from the bottom up 🫠). He’d also need telling at least twice every time something needed correcting - still does a lot of the time and it can be the most infuriating thing. Even now at 8 years old, he’s a way more exuberant child than my girls, but it’s all within the neighbourhood of normal for a bouncy, energetic little boy.

Do you and the children spend a lot of time around other children her age? Playgroups, soft plays etc?
I think you all might benefit from it massively. I also reckon you’ll probably notice a change when she starts school and there’s really no time for her to be bored. My kids reception classes were wonderful for letting them learn through play but also keeping quite a solid routine so the children were always busy. My eldest two were always knackered by the time 3pm pick up rolled around!
My son has always been a lot more chill when he’s got other kids his age, particularly other boys, to play with - I think it’s because he’s got other people to help curate the fun and he doesn’t feel like he has to go full throttle himself to make the fun.
Do you have adult friends who also have children around the same ages as yours - or even slightly older?
Even now mine are older, throwing them into a room or garden with someone else’s kids while me and the other parent just have a grown up chat feels like therapy for me at times (particularly when that friend is the type who’s up for a day wine 🤷🏻‍♀️😂).

Agree @MsNevermore I think half the parents of 4 year olds could have written the post about the park yesterday! I’m glad OP is realising this is her issue not her daughters. Hopefully she gets some support and counselling. And is able to work on getting one on one fun time with her daughter ☺️

So the park is nothing at all. DS went through a biting and hitting stage where I really did need to watch him

the sand - it’s a sandpit let her play. If you are in it (and our park had one) you are going to get covered in sand

the slide thing yes

so look at that the constant nagging is a mix of things frankly you need to let go and one that you don’t. She stops listening because the constant nature of you stopping her is too much

I assume she is starting school soon - and that is notorious for the impact on behaviour so I think getting it sorted for then might be helpful

becaise there is nothing here that isn’t normal and your reaction to it that needs work

You could be describing my DS8. Argumentative asshat, particularly at 8, 3, 1; feral asshat at 5, 6; though with relatively relaxing years at 2, 4, 7... so I really do get where you're coming from. I also was the argumentative asshat child with the genuinely nicer, prettier, easygoing, empathetic sister. I"m not going to look back on that and say I was damaged for life by my parents' reaction, I think most of how that shaped me was eventually learning I had to actually do better around other people, and that my sister was actually a fairly good model to follow.

On the neurodivergence. A lot of what you describe is suggestive of ADHD. I know whereof I speak, our entire extended family is neurodivergent in one way or another. Perhaps try having a look at Thomas E Brown's stuff on ADHD and see if it rings any bells, because (1) if meds eventually have a place here - meds have calmed down DS8 considerably; he does retain the argumentative streak, just nowhere near as gratingly; and (2) some reframing of some of the arguing as dopamine-seeking or rejection sensitivity could possibly help you out of the feelings you're in - and reframing arguing as dopamine-seeking does give you strategies to try...

I had one dd who was easy until teenage (then hard) and the other who was always tricky. I’m actually closer to the tricky one we have loads in common. Ds is the hardest tho . It will ebb and flow though. Try not to show favouritism tgats the main thing

I just want to send some solidarity. My daughter, nearly 9 now, has been frankly impossible from birth with no breaks in behaviour. I do not see an end to it any time soon. My 5yo son is a ‘normal’ kid, so has the odd phase of challenges, but is, in comparison, a breath of fresh air. I have regular fantasies about how my life as a parent would have been if both kids were more like him, or if I only had him. My honest experience (that is hard to hear or understand if you have never parented a child with behaviour like this) is that quite often I hate being around my daughter, my son regularly feels like my favourite child, and I often long for the day when my daughter leaves home. Putting in place consequences, rewards or general ‘better parenting’ is pointless. We have read all the books and tried all the techniques, and it has got us nowhere except exhaustion and a tiny bit of acceptance that none of this is our fault as parents.
Re neurodivergence, we are only now trying to get a diagnosis for my daughter (I’ve strongly suspected autism since about age 3), but it has always seemed sort of pointless, as I’m not sure it would change anything. She actually does wonderfully at school, so they are not concerned. I still don’t think that it will give us much assistance, but I can now see why a diagnosis might actually help her as she goes through life beyond childhood
and into teenage years and adulthood, so we’re trying to get it in place. It’s tough and longwinded, so I do regret not doing it sooner, even though I hadn’t wanted to/wasn’t bothered when she was younger.

Exactly this.

She will be trying to get your attention.

Your DC are just at different stages op...I don't think you should frame it as having a favourite....I'm sure they'll both have great moments and also moments where they test your patience!

The OP says she didn’t like her daughter when she was the same age her son is currently though. It’s not a case of the daughter being at a difficult stage, the OP says she’s been ‘difficult’ since birth.

But it doesn’t sound like a difficult child just one who pushes boundaries and doesn’t always follow what the OP wants - a fairly normal one!

If Dd is ADHD then one or other of her parents could be. If it’s you could it be making you more sensitive to her rejection of you so making you more distressed

I agree, just pointing out that the OP has said that she’s found her difficult since birth.

I get what you're saying, but from the parent of a very boisterous 3yo, I cannot accept that throwing sand about is ok. My son does similar to OPs description here and I'm sorry but to everyone saying oh it's normal, well I don't see other children doing it. What I see is other kids crying because there is sand in their eyes, and their parents tutting and shooting me daggers. Come on, nobody else can play if one child is being so rough.

OP my son is also very hard work at times, though does have have lovely times too. I am wondering if your situation is my future tbh, because he's only just 3 and my younger one is 1.5. Of course she's an absolute dream to parent.

No advice but just to say, good on you for recognising a problem and trying to seek support. I hear the exhaustion from you and some days I feel it too.
I've no idea if your or my child has it, but I've been coming across PDA recently, pathological demand avoidance, and I've been trying out some of the things I read. Basically avoid any direct instruction. So actually not 'go and wash your hands' as the being told what to do immediately triggers fury, but 'we'll all need clean hands before we eat, which sink will you use this time?' In some moods it works and in some moods I'm still shouted at and end up frog marching, but some is better than none for me.

@HiCandles i appreciate you saying that, thank you. There are things you can ignore but things that impede on or hurt others, even unintentionally, can’t really be ignored.

I don’t think I’ve ever said I don’t like her. I love her.

I sometimes get very ground down with (in the past week) an extremely high work load, heat, managing two very small children with no real support (I am married and DH is good when he’s around but he is at work a lot) and at the moment very poor sleep.

When things are like that DD can tip me into exhaustion and even a very low mood just because dealing with her is so very tiring. The black is white thing everyone fixated on is frustrating but I’d say quite rare. More often than not she is exuberant, larger than life, loud, energetic, full on, shouts when she speaks, never stops talking, charges to things at 100 miles an hour …

And she has some great qualities and all the above can be great in some contexts. I am proud of her boldness and determination and I am pleased she isn’t a wimpy, whiny sort of kid. But I spend so much time with - DD wait, wait, WOAH woah DD, just a minute, walking feet please DD, indoor voice please DD (we have not always mastered that one.)

With DS it’s easier because obviously he’s two and has tantrums and can be annoying (very trying habit of wanting to be carried and he’s bloody heavy!) but he is generally just more chill and calm.

DD is actually better with boys. She’s a friendly kid and relates well to others most of the time but her determination have led to conflicts at times. But she does stand out a bit if she’s in a group of girls tbh. Unfortunately most people I know with children the same age do have girls (not planned that way, just happened.)

It is normal kid behaviour but sort of on speed if you like!