Managing when one of your children is just in all honesty a lot nicer than the other

[Thisdayinjune]

I have two children, a girl who is four and a boy who is two.

My daughter has some great qualities but they often get lost beneath the sullenness and argumentative nature she seems to have … it kicked in when she was three and shoes no signs of leaving any time soon. She’s five in December.

We’re driving and I say ‘ooh that was a steep hill.’ She says ‘no it’s NOT.’ I say it’s hot today, she says ‘it ISN’T.’ If you just sort of ‘oh OK’ that she keeps coming back at you with ‘it ISN’T hot, mummy, it ISN’T.’ That’s the answer to everything; tidy up, why, it’s messy, no it’s NOT. Following any sort of discipline with her is difficult and I don’t let some behaviours slide but ignore some, praise the good, sometimes do shout (I’m not perfect) but I do try, I really honestly do.

Then I had her brother and it was a bit like … I get why people enjoy parenting. He’s not a unicorn child; he has tantrums and he has whingey moments and normal child stuff but I feel like he wants to please me, he enjoys spending time with me and seeks my love and my approval.

So I have this horrible dynamic where I do have a favourite child. I know I’ll get replies along the lines of ‘this happened to me and it ruined my life’ which is fair enough except I’m not choosing to feel like this, I hate that I do, I’d give anything to have a normal and loving relationship with DD but it’s just not there at the moment.

@mindutopia saying ‘just you wait’ to someone already in a bad place really isn’t helpful, tbh. I know siblings fight, they already do, it’s a huge cause of my stress levels and it’s a massive contributor in wishing I’d only had one and wishing that was DS, and hating myself for it.

You’re so adamant that there’s no solution to this issue, so maybe you should look into having her adopted? You don’t like her, you say that even if she was neurodivergent it wouldn’t help you to like her, so maybe you’re not the best person to be bringing her up?

Does her dad like her?

This I hate to say it but it is the self fulfilling prophecy at play, your relationship and expectations of her behaviour feed directly into it.
as they do for your DD presumably who you reward and lavish affection on for wanting to please you.

You are the parent, the adult and the one who can and needs to try and break the cycle

And I think why you think there is no solution is that you are the problem and none of the things you try work on that issue. That it is your behaviour that causes it. Modify that and see what happens

becsuse your daughter deserves better and I think you do too

Unless this dynamic changes she will be on here as an adult talking about the 'golden child' and the 'scapegoat'. You haven't said anything to indicate DD is 'scapegoat' child ...not at all ...but ds definitely comes across as'golden child. Sometimes mothers have this dynamic with young sons but a more difficult dynamic with young daughters. Yet later it's the daughters they are closer to and they struggle to make the adjustment when their dear son starts having partners and can't cope with not being number one women in their lives. That's obviously a long way in the future op and hopefully you will be able to manage a gradual change in the dynamic with your daughter 💐

This is such a brilliant way of looking at it! Although my lot pass the baton between DS1 and DD1, DS2 remains totally oblivious to the whole relay.

17, 16 and 14 for context.

Well that's where you grow up and realise her behaviour isn't a personal attack on you and start looking for ways to actively parent her as an individual.

That really is not a sensible comment, is it?

Insofar as solutions are concerned, I posted in relationships not parenting. I’m feeling exceptionally low today and just sharing stuff that’s eating me up inside so being told that I just need to ignore it (stfu indefinitely basically) is a tad frustrating!

That sounds like a good example of 'How do you end up with a Golden Child and a Scapegoat?'. Or, as happens all too often, somebody who just can't be dealing with a child when they can be replaced with a shiny, new baby that won't answer back or have thoughts and opinions of their own (and rinse and repeat until there are five dysfunctional offspring and the littlest gets an absolute hammering once they hit teenage years and isn't the perfect Mini Me/Mini Other Parent anymore.

I’m just thinking about the best interests of your daughter. I obviously don’t have the answers, but the current situation must be really difficult for her.

What can I say?
We had the Wakefulness Baton where every time one of them wanted a nap another of the three was wide awake. No parental restfulness must be allowed.

The Dinner Baton where two would like a meal and the other would decide that was the food they hated most in the world. Mealtimes must involve as sulk from someone otherwise Mummy might think she was on to a winner.

The Drama Baton where it seemed all of them couldn't be content with school and friends at the same time, one of them needed to be full of angst or drama. God forbid we'd have an easy month,

And yes, the Arsehole Baton where one of them needs to be an absolute dick because the others are in a good phase.

I love them all, they are great human beings and have amazing strengths and passions. But the wee buggers didn't give us an easy ride, which is what I wanted @Thisdayinjune to know and hopefully feel reassured by.

The current situation is that she is harder to manage than DS. A lot of that is not her fault, and isn’t so much that she’s doing anything ‘wrong’ but her sheer energy levels and the way she hurls herself at life is exhausting. But there is also this stroppy side which is very wearing and I don’t enjoy. It’s very hard to ‘reach’ her when she’s like that.

But if you are genuinely ‘thinking about the best interests of your (my) daughter’ do you actually think that’s the care system?

No one said you need to “stfu indefinitely”.

The ignoring was a possible solution to one scenario you described.
Having a conversation and DD gets argumentative? Don’t take the bait. Put an end to the conversation.
I get that you’re having a rough time - I really do. We’ve all been there at one point or another.
But I say this as gently as possible: we as the adults often have to modify our own behaviour in order to see results in our children’s behaviour. And it sounds simple but it’s not, it’s really hard.
And it really does sound like a possibility that your DD is acting out like this so often because she’s realised it gets a response from you - even if it’s a negative one. With a lot of kids, any attention is good attention, especially when there’s a younger sibling in the mix.

Well, that’s the sort of post I anticipated and tried to explain that it’s that I’m trying to avoid. Simply telling me that is as helpful as saying ‘if you keep going that way you’ll end up in the sea’ but not pointing out alternative routes.

It is a dangerous dynamic and one I’m desperate to avoid. One thing is wrong though - it’s nothing to do with ‘shiny new bab(ies.)’ I was in a bad place after having DD - of course it wasn’t her fault and am loath to suggest it was, but she was a very tricky baby. I would frequently end up crying with her as she’d just be inconsolable about something. Sleep was terrible, it was lockdown, no baby classes or coffees with other mums to make it easier, so I do suspect that affected the bond a bit.

We rub one another up the wrong way I suppose. I need to work out how to not do that and I thought this was a good starting point but I see now it wasn’t and regret posting it.

As I said, I don’t have the answers. It might be, it might not be. I’m not there, so I don’t know how your dislike of her manifests itself.
Does her dad like her?

My 2 also boy and girl, both in their late 30's, daughter is the most argumentative and quiet arrogant, always been and still is the most challenging.

You misunderstood me @MsNevermore .

When DD is in a stroppy, argumentative mood she will shout at you about anything you say. So ‘just ignore it’ means being silent in my own home which tbh doesn’t thrill me really. I should be able to say ‘go and wash your hands’ without being screamed at.

But (and I know I sound grumpy here but I’ve said it at least three times) that is not the point of the thread. I have a number of difficult behaviours from DD; that’s one of many. It doesn’t happen all the time but believe me when it does it is unpleasant to be around and no ignoring doesn’t work and neither does laughing or whatever. Anyway, I really do have to sort the shit pit out she’s left me from the day so I’ll hide the thread now;!m it’s just a load of ‘oh ha ha it’s fine your DS will soon be foul too.’ Great, thanks.

That does sound quite bad tbh. You sound a bit “me, me, me” in your replies and you want to be “pleased” by your dd. You’re not open to advice.

Being a parent is often about putting your child’s needs before your own. You absolutely should care about understanding your child.

You’re responsible for bringing up a likeable human being. It’s tough, but motherhood isn’t sold as an easy thing to do. You take the job, you do the work IMO.

So Dd wasn't too bad until your son came along, and it now sounds like she's doing everything to get your attention. Even negative attention.

Aw damn. I was saying "it's a marathon not a sprint" and then I bring up batons. Which is clearly a relay.

I suck at sport metaphors.

This is what is screaming at me.

Some kids really do struggle with the arrival of a new sibling and the whole dynamic changing 🤷🏻‍♀️
My eldest was all “oooo hello baby!”……for about 3 days 😂 Then the novelty wore off and she refused to acknowledge his existence for about 6 months, until he started taking an interest in toys and the like. And during those 6 months? She was a horror, because presumably she felt ousted by this new baby who needed feeding, rocking, changing all the time etc
And even now, they are 10, 8 and 5 and they still fight eachother for mine and DH’s attention, and sometimes that involves some really shitty behaviour!

Does she remind you of the aspects of your personality you find most challenging?

OP I’ve not rtft but I have read your posts and deduce that you’ve got a bit of a battering on here and presumably lots of ‘helpful’ suggestions. Just wanted to pop on and say I hear you - not all kids are born equal and some are just bloody difficult - whether they’re ND or just wired that way is irrelevant and doesn’t make them any less annoying!
I’m in a blended family with many kids (hence the username), four of them are easy, chilled, do what they’re asked the first time you ask them, easy to be around, just generally nice relaxing kids. Two of them are…not 😅 need constant input and attention, can’t stay on track for the simplest of requests, no common sense, argue black is white even when they’ve not got a leg to stand on…it’s draining and hugely irritating! One is my DSC and one is my own DD so it’s not like I’m just anti my SC either. The toddler is legit easier to parent than those two half the time. I don’t have a solution for you…I just keep plugging away, often feeling like I’m banging my head off a brick wall having the same conversation a thousand times, putting in consequences, and it making no discernible difference in the day to day. But I can say, parenting is a marathon not a sprint…parenting kids like that is EXHAUSTING compared to the normal experience, but it does make a difference in the end…both SC and DC have made tremendous progress and come on loads…we can’t see it day to day as it’s such slow progress, but taken over months or years we can see where it all pays off. And they are both lovely kids and have plenty of good qualities that the more chilled kids in the house don’t share and that will stand them in good stead come adulthood. That feisty, stubborn, irritating girl of yours will grow into a woman who knows her own mind and isn’t afraid to stand up for herself, and god knows the world needs more of them! Just keep on keeping on in the meantime…these kids are sent to teach us how to learn not to sweat the small stuff 😂

This is literally the exact opposite of what I’ve said.

I have said she was a tricky baby, challenging aged one and awful at two and three.

They aren’t twins so how have you worked this out? Genuinely asking as it is just not what I’ve said at all.