Managing when one of your children is just in all honesty a lot nicer than the other

[Thisdayinjune]

I have two children, a girl who is four and a boy who is two.

My daughter has some great qualities but they often get lost beneath the sullenness and argumentative nature she seems to have … it kicked in when she was three and shoes no signs of leaving any time soon. She’s five in December.

We’re driving and I say ‘ooh that was a steep hill.’ She says ‘no it’s NOT.’ I say it’s hot today, she says ‘it ISN’T.’ If you just sort of ‘oh OK’ that she keeps coming back at you with ‘it ISN’T hot, mummy, it ISN’T.’ That’s the answer to everything; tidy up, why, it’s messy, no it’s NOT. Following any sort of discipline with her is difficult and I don’t let some behaviours slide but ignore some, praise the good, sometimes do shout (I’m not perfect) but I do try, I really honestly do.

Then I had her brother and it was a bit like … I get why people enjoy parenting. He’s not a unicorn child; he has tantrums and he has whingey moments and normal child stuff but I feel like he wants to please me, he enjoys spending time with me and seeks my love and my approval.

So I have this horrible dynamic where I do have a favourite child. I know I’ll get replies along the lines of ‘this happened to me and it ruined my life’ which is fair enough except I’m not choosing to feel like this, I hate that I do, I’d give anything to have a normal and loving relationship with DD but it’s just not there at the moment.

One thing I would add, @Thisdayinjune , is that all the ways my daughter was a bloody exhausting child are the reasons she's a confident, articulate and driven young woman.

And to be fair to DD I don’t even think she is ‘that bad.’ But she’s not ‘easy’ in the way some kids are - she isn’t quashed by a stern look or being told off, she is fearless and exuberant, she’s VERY physical and likes to kick which isn’t malicious but still when I’ve been booted in the side five times in as many minutes I do get annoyed. She’s very messy - messy eater, makes a mess when playing (I know, worlds best childminder, I should get her to clear it up but she either won’t or makes an even bigger mess in doing so.) even taking her shoes off she kicks her legs so they fly across the room landing in two different places.

These are small things on their own. Together they do piss me off and wear me down in equal amounts.

You’re not a terrible person to feel this way, I think it’s probably quite common for a parent to find one child easier to relate to and get along with than another. Your job is to love them both and help them to find a way in life. Her strong will really might turn out to be a positive when she’s older. But I know that right now you’re just exhausted by it.

Is their dad around? Or other family / friends who could help out with childcare sometimes? It really sounds like you need a break. It also might help her behaviour to get more 1-1 adult time both with you and with other adults, so maybe asking someone to take just one of the kids for a few hours could give you a) a break if they take dd or b) time to improve your bond with dd if they take ds.

Hoping very much this happens to Dd. I imagine it will. In fairness she is a lot nicer at four than she was at two <shudders at the memories> 🤣

My eldest is autistic with an oppositional streak and I wonder if there’s something similar going on for you.

Like you, my younger one was easy going and just straight forward and it’s been a very complex dynamic to negotiate as a family. And being chalk and cheese they get on each others nerves, constantly want different things, and it’s bloody exhausting.

Learning how to parent a challenging child has made an enormous difference to how I perceive his behaviour, and how it lands for me. And I think my younger child too has benefitted from a more thoughtful approach.

Now they’re mid-teens and my eldest is the most interesting and thought provoking person I know. He’s an incredibly deep thinker, very creative and absolutely devastating on the debating circuit. He’s still not easy but I wouldn’t change him for the world.

But I do find myself thinking sometimes about how different it would have been to be mum to only one of them - either of them because they each bring out something different in me, and they are both so much easier 1:1. It’s such a guilt laden thought though.

4 and 2 are still very much in the trenches era of parenting so you just have to hang in there.

Thanks @Uol2022 . Now they are both in bed and I’ve chilled a bit I already feel better. DD in this sort of heat is just a bit more than mind body and soul can comfortably take and now I’ve stepped out of the zone a bit I know it doesn’t mean I don’t love her. I do get easily annoyed by her though and I really wish I could stop that. But then equally she’s so boisterous and full on I have to address stuff but then end up nagging her constantly

I have and feel exactly the same with my 2 children OP, if that helps at all, and feel immense guilt at just not enjoying my eldest's company most of the time. It's always been like that. Such a battle. Such hard work.

My eldest is definitely neurodiverse - aged 6 now and it's finally starting to be noticed by other people/teachers etc.

What's the consequences when she screams, kicks you etc?

I could have said this about my youngest child. She was a difficult baby and toddler. Unpleasant to be around and parents compared to my eldest golden child.
Now they are 9 and 11 and things have changed somewhat. The golden one is less golden and the younger one isn’t always the baddy. She can actually be very good sometimes. Better than her sister even. Quite pleasant more frequently and while she still has her moments, they both do and she definitely isn’t as hard work as she used to be

She's 4. It comes with the territory of her developing as a small person in her own right. Same way the increased physical ability, control and strength as she grows means that she's going to use those abilities - just think how satisfying it can be to send a shoe flying all the way across the room instead of frustratingly waggling your foot around and having to wait for somebody else to take it off.

At the same time, rather than having an inexperienced parent in the middle of the world going to shit, her younger sibling has a parent who has already had broken nights, recognised the difference between crying for hunger, pain, wet nappies and general unhappiness, could do nappy changes quickly and efficiently from the start, is probably aware that crying doesn't mean the baby doesn't like you, you're allowed out into the world for as long as you want without covering up facial expressions in masks, there's already an established routine of waking, feeding and sleeping...

Your second child does not have the same Mum as your eldest does. He has an experienced one who has already had an infant and toddler. Your eldest has a first time Mum of a 4 year old and will have a first time, inexperienced Mum of a 5 year old, 6 year old and every other age.

She's arguing black is white. Yes, they do that. It's fun. It gets a reaction, it's showing they know the opposite of the concept you've suggested or her experience of the same situation is completely different to yours - it's hot? No it isn't, it's perfectly comfortable in the weather appropriate clothes you've bought her and she isn't hot at all. It was a steep hill? No it wasn't, it felt perfectly normal sat in the back of the car unable to see the angle the driver can, just looking at the back seat when rear facing. And then you get cross with her for telling the truth as she experiences it - which is incredibly frustrating for anybody, never mind a 4 year old.

You aren't seeing the world through her eyes and she isn't seeing it through yours. Because you are two separate people.

Well, it isn’t working, is it? So shall we not get into What Are The Consequences because it’s just going to be a parenting thread then and that’s not what I want here, sorry.

She doesn’t kick me aggressively, it’s more that when she’s near something or someone it’s as if she has to put her feet all over it / them. I’ve bollocked her numerous times for it; still she keeps doing it.

It isn’t so much that she’s a baddy - but she is very hard work, full on, boisterous etc,

@Thisdayinjune can I make a suggestion. When feeling calm please read through your posts - not for the content but for the tone and the emotions that emanate from them and in turn how that is causing others to react to you. And then the spiralling effect.

because that I think is part of the root of the issue.
My two (DD 16 and DS 13) have had moment s of being awful and moments of being lovely but understanding how my reactions fed into it has been paramount in making our relationship better and their relationship between the two of them is stronger than ever (they are curled up hugging on the sofa together watching a kids movie at the moment) because that is the other relationship that could suffer

Anything else she struggles with? Loud noises? Transitions? Textures? Smells? Physical development?

Think of it as an annoying behaviour or phase of your daughters rather than being her personality

@NeverDropYourMooncup Is spot on.

Your feelings are valid; some children are more tiring than others, and our own personalities have a lot to do with this. I would be aware of trying to label her behaviour rather than your DD as a person, e.g you have repeatedly said she is awful, not nice, etc throughout your posts. This is just a small insight into your relationship with your DD of course, but it’s significant nonetheless. She absolutely will pick up on this and it’ll further negatively impact your relationship. I think there would be value in trying to spend quality time together doing an activity you both enjoy and making an effort to mentally notice and praise her positive qualities/behaviours.

Are there consequences for the bad behaviours? Some of this is rudeness which requires addressing not ignoring. What’s she like at school?

Have you read “how to talk so little kids will listen”? If not I recommend.

You sound honestly just fucking exhausted by this situation. I hear that you aren’t here for parenting tips, you need to vent.
but I would ask you to think is there anything you can do to lower your level of stress that you are going to set off the DD bomb. I don’t have the answers but I’ve certainly had days when DD was younger where it just felt like an endless challenge and I just had to try and be really self compassionate which in turn gave me more resources to be a parent.

Yes, I have and I’m afraid I didn’t find it helpful at all. I know a lot of people like it but it’s not for us.

DC2 reminds me of my younger sister and rubs me up the wrong way, I am sure it is because I go straight back to being 14 and my sister being the most annoying person to ever walk the earth.

Anyway, one of her less endearing traits is an astonishing ability to find the negative in anything. And she is 100x nicer to be around when she makes the effort to frame stuff positively. So at the moment she is getting a reward for every positive thing she can say about her day 😊

My two are now teens and sometimes manage to both have a firm grip on the baton between them rather than do a smooth handover of it.
It is horrible when you feel as though you are constantly clashing with one of your DC and, as you say, you can’t do anything right. When DC2 was going through his worst patch (which last from the age of 2 until he was almost 6) I was commuting into London and would regularly pass the tube poster written as if from a young child about how the child’s mum, a tube worker, shouldn’t have to be screamed it, spat or or sworn at by customers and, each time I saw it, I’d think “and I don’t think I’m supposed to have to put up with this in my own home” (obviously not swearing but he’d regularly shout “I hate you”). I felt as thought I’d picked so many battles that I’d pretty much given him my sword, horse, armour and a map of the defences.

The best part of a decade on, and it’s clear that he has some sort of ND going on, probably ADHD but maybe AuDHD. And, importantly, that so do I. Whilst I could manage one DC, two pretty much pushed me over the edge but I was oblivious to quite how many buttons parenting was pushing and quite how DC2 and I could clash and escalate each other. We’re waiting for a diagnosis but what really helps is parenting in a way that anticipates it … factoring in a lot of down time, being less demanding, keeping a calm environment.
Even before I became aware of the ND, I found The Explosive Child and How to Talk so Kids will Listen really helpful. As was spending time 1:1 with DC1. Nothing grand where we were both setting ourselves up to fail - so not a whole day or something where we’d paid a massive entrance fee so felt we needed to get value for money - but a trip to a different park or a cafe or even just a walk.
Finally, make sure she’s eating enough. DS was quite a fussy eater and is a real grazer. He also doesn’t notice that he’s hungry. This could all be tied into the suspect ADHD but, regardless, he is much more likely to be difficult if it’s a while since he’s eaten. For a while, I was restricting snacks hoping he would be hungrier at mealtimes and so eat more but that just didn’t work for him and he just got harder & harder work.
He is now a lovely, caring teen. He can still wind me up like nobody else but also has the same sense of humour as me and I love getting a look from
him when we’re out, particularly if it’s the sort of situation where you can’t laugh out loud.

I think it’s her age. My nephew was the kindest boy until he turned 3 and now he sounds just like your daughter. Your son has plenty of time to become a little devil.

This is also a very good point!

DH says all the time that me and DD butt heads because DD’s personality is like a carbon copy of my exH (her dad). And if I’m being totally honest with myself, he’s right. She’s a wonderful kid - she’s so smart, and talented and kind (most of the time 😂)…..but she also, much like her dad, is quite tone-deaf when it comes to reading the room and will just blurt things out, no matter how inappropriate.
My mum also tells me that my DS is exactly like was as a child……a tornado 🫠😂 She visited us earlier this year and was watching DS at the playground, climbing right to the very top of the climbing frame and proceeding to scale the roof of it 🫣 She just looked at me and said “Just like his mother. Trying to kill himself at every opportunity” 🫠🫠🫠😂

It’s a phase. I wouldn’t worry about a child (or adult!) disagreeing with me. I’d probably just be really interested in her opinion. What does she think it is etc. kids love that. Plus remember attributes that can make children more ‘hard work’ can make them more successful as adults. Try and just accept your kids as they are

My dd would argue black is white, it is infuriating but I have learnt to love that she likes to question everything, she has a bit of spark and isn’t a people pleaser.

These are all good qualities.

Comoaring her to her brother is unfair.

Perhaps look into a local parenting course for parents with children that have additional needs, she may or may not have them but her behaviours will be similar ones that course leaders are used to dealing with.
I had two children that were completely healthy and typical, then my third came along and everything went to shit. I still attend parenting courses each year (he's 9) and seek out all sorts of resources from the school and LEA because as a parent we should never stop learning how to help our children and ourselves.
I've had to change my mind set with him, br a different parent to get the best out of him and have a really lovely relationship with him, it is possible.