Managing when one of your children is just in all honesty a lot nicer than the other

[Thisdayinjune]

I have two children, a girl who is four and a boy who is two.

My daughter has some great qualities but they often get lost beneath the sullenness and argumentative nature she seems to have … it kicked in when she was three and shoes no signs of leaving any time soon. She’s five in December.

We’re driving and I say ‘ooh that was a steep hill.’ She says ‘no it’s NOT.’ I say it’s hot today, she says ‘it ISN’T.’ If you just sort of ‘oh OK’ that she keeps coming back at you with ‘it ISN’T hot, mummy, it ISN’T.’ That’s the answer to everything; tidy up, why, it’s messy, no it’s NOT. Following any sort of discipline with her is difficult and I don’t let some behaviours slide but ignore some, praise the good, sometimes do shout (I’m not perfect) but I do try, I really honestly do.

Then I had her brother and it was a bit like … I get why people enjoy parenting. He’s not a unicorn child; he has tantrums and he has whingey moments and normal child stuff but I feel like he wants to please me, he enjoys spending time with me and seeks my love and my approval.

So I have this horrible dynamic where I do have a favourite child. I know I’ll get replies along the lines of ‘this happened to me and it ruined my life’ which is fair enough except I’m not choosing to feel like this, I hate that I do, I’d give anything to have a normal and loving relationship with DD but it’s just not there at the moment.

She does have a nice crowd of friends at nursery but she has been unpredictable with other kids. I used to dread picking her up but it eased off at around 3. I still avoid soft play though.

when I say it doesn’t matter if she’s ND or not I mean it’s still the same impact on my life, whether she can help it or not. I’m sure she can’t help it and I’m sorry for that. It doesn’t make it any pleasanter to be around though.

I hope she will settle down, it’s just a bit tiring and depressing sometimes in the meantime.

I was out with a friend last night - his daughter was a delight up to 10, and his son was v hard work - then they swapped places with enthusiasm till about 25. Both settled down now.

Anyway she may not always be so tricky. I would flag your concerns to reception reached because while you say you don’t care what’s causing it, if there is a cause knowing it might help with techniques to manage it.

In the meantime, if it were me I would make a joke of it and then ignore it and let silence fall.

Do look after yourself in all this, and take enough time out from her.

Was her pregnancy/birth more difficult than her brothers? I ask because there's a train of thought that says babies are affected by what happens in utero, at birth and in the early months more than was realised before, just wondering if her early time was more difficult than her brothers and some of this is because of that

@MoistVonL My experience is that they pass the Arsehole Baton back and forth until they reach adulthood.

😆

Her birth wasn’t very nice (Covid etc) but I wouldn’t say either pregnancy was especially difficult. She just exhausts me - constantly charging around and never still. Even when she’s just snuggled up watching TV she’s wriggling and bashing and knocking into me.

I concur 🫠😂😂

Although our family arsehole baton seems to be exclusively reserved for DC’s 1 & 2 to pass between themselves 🫣😂 DC3 just watches the fuckery ensue, gives everyone the side eye and goes about her business without getting involved 😂

I tended to try to fight it with humour., eg if you think the hill is steep, instead of treating it like a statement of fact that she can argue agains just say "Oh I am finding this hill soooo steep, DD, I don't know about you. In fact Im' finding it sooooo steep, I'm going to have to get on my hands and knees and CRAWWWL up, look!" And do it. Huff and puff. Stop for a rest and then pretend you're rolling down a bit. Make a big show of looking round to see if there is a ski lift or a winch or a crane or something equally daft to get you to the top quicker.

Same with the heat. Don't say it's hot as a statement of fact. Tell her that YOU'RE hot, pretend to melt like the witch in the Wizard of Oz, get an ice cube and put it on your skin like it's the best thing ever. If you're at home, open the fridge, stand in front of it savouring the coolness and say something silly like "oh, fridge, my best friend, you're so coooool,I want to marry you!" She might join in and say she's hot too, or she might just laugh and say "I'm absolutely fine, mummy, ha ha!"

Basically just have a laugh with it. Don't give her something to argue against. Just say how YOU are finding something and ask her opinion.

I think it makes a difference to know tbh as they often have an internal logic for their behaviour that's not apparent at all, and you can't really get them emotionally regulated till you get to the bottom of it...lot of the time it'll literally be ...itchy clothes, slightly tight clothes, the ambient noise in a supermarket...etc

Was she very colicky as a baby?

I’m sure it does for some people. For me it doesn’t, I just feel tired and ground down by it.

How can a 4 year old be obnoxious?

I think it’s easier for the second born -there is already a sibling to entertain them and to copy. They see how adults and children interact.

Try making a game of it. Rather than argue, can you make your conversations into affirmations?

You: Oh it's hot.
Dd. No it's not. It's cold Mummy.
You. You are so cooooool! Are you cold? Would you like a woolly card or now, or are you ok as you are? I wish I was cool like you.

You (In the car?) This hill is steep.
Her. No it's not. It's flat.
You. Oh you must have very good eyes. It looked steep to me.

Or you on foot: Oh this hill is steep.
Her. No it's not.
You: Oh you must be very fit and strong. It feels steep to my old bones. Do you want to help to pull me up the hill?
Her. No I dont. You aren't old.
You. Well that's very kind of you. I like it when you make me feel young.

(See if you can challenge yourself to turn all of her arguments into a chance to praise her.)

I’m sure some of you have good tips which I’ll look through later but I’m not really trying to seek advice on the specific examples I gave. She doesn’t really respond well to humour when she’s in a strop anyway.

@DBSFstupid are you making a joke? Or do you really believe that four year olds can’t be obnoxious. Mine can 😬

She’s only 4! Give her a chance!

No I'm not making a joke. I just thought it was an odd word to use for a 4 year old.

Having a favourite is more common than people admit. To some degree I have a favourite for certain things - DD is easier to calm down most of the time but kicks off more frequently, DS rarely kicks off but when he does he’s awful, DD is stubborn and strong willed (at the moment she’s very strong willed), DS can be a bit lazy. It ebbs and flows. Give DS time, he will start being a prat soon.

I had a similar conversation with my dad who has always favoured me despite me being a terror as a child. He generally favours me and my sister over my brothers which is weird because he can be a bit sexist. He said he gets on with me more but my sister is better in a crisis. My mum was much less obvious but when I asked her who her favourite was she said “oh god your brother, he’s the only one who could wash up properly!”

You need to do your best to not let it show, but the reality is a lot of parents have a favourite or at least a child they get on with more.

@Thisdayinjune right, but my point is improving the behaviour if you realise why it's happening... so then you're less stressed?

Honestly?
When mine are like that, I just ignore it. Or say things like “Ok then” or “you can think that” 🤷🏻‍♀️ DC1 is definitely the type who gets argumentative very quickly - she just has to be right all the time about everything, and trying to correct her or discuss it is often met with further argument. She simply has to have the last word…..so I just don’t engage in the argument. Particularly when she’s wrong, because it will become apparent to her that she’s wrong sooner or later. She’s much older than your DC’s though

I'm not the best qualified to go into the ND/not-ND angle of this, but what I would say is that it sounds like her world at present is quite difficult for her, and she has a greater than average need for control (and possibly greater anxiety as well).

Figure out how to make things easier for her, and you'll probably make things easier for yourself. It won't be easy, but treat it as a puzzle to be solved.

I suspect you're at a low right now, so figuring out why, how to help/fix it isn't on your mind and you just need to get it off your chest. Its bloody rough at times, there's no getting round it. I've cried. Bit my own fist in the kitchen so I didn't start shouting. Found new reserves to keep going from God knows where. Who knows, maybe it's not ND and she just grows out of it. Either way you need the oxygen mask first. If you can comfortably leave them to their dad for a few hours and take a bath/read a book/get an early night. That's probably a place to start.

@MsNevermore ok, you’d ignore it, but then you’re pretty much reduced to having to be silent in your own home / car whatever which is quite shit actually. Anyway, I really don’t want to get drawn into a discussion on that. It’s a tiny part of her behaviour, it if was the only thing I’d shrug it off as her having a bad day but as it is there’s pretty much always something unfortunately. I can never feel relaxed and chilled around her I suppose is the crux of the problem.

First, sympathies - I have the same dynamic and it is really hard. The guilt at preferring time with one rather than the other is the worst - and knowing both myself and my husband feel like one is ‘easier’ and that they both surely know this as well is terrible. But from birth - literally - there’s one who has been hard to settle, who shouts at me and is defiant, who makes me feel I’m failing at being his mum, and there’s one who settled easily, smiles and laughs and shows love to me every day, and makes me feel at least competent as a parent (and that parenting is joyful rather than a constant slog). It is hard not to enjoy that experience more no matter how hard we try to make this not the case and treat both of them the same. It’s really hard and it’s taboo to talk about, so I do feel for you.

I wonder about birth order, too. I notice everyone most people who have admitted to having a ‘harder child’ that it’s the older, and you mentioned your DD’s defiance really cranking up at 4 after the birth of DS. I have the same gap as you and while DS1 was always hard to settle and never slept properly (still doesn’t at 11!) the full on anger and defiance didn’t emerge until after his brother was on the scene.

There’s also personality, of course - my harder DS1 is much more like me than his brother, who is much more like my DH. I’m sure this plays into the dynamic - I’ve really never had my buttons pushed so completely as DS1 can push them and I’m in love with all the things about DS2 that I love in his dad. Do you see more of yourself in your DD than your DS?

Ours are older now, obviously, and nothing has changed in the dynamic except it getting more bedded in and challenging for everyone. We’re taking DS1 for family counselling now to get some professional help as his anxious tendencies / need to control things / angry outbursts (only at home, never at school where he is we are told a perfect child) has been impacting him and us all more and more. This has helped him to reflect on why he’s angry and given him some strategies to help in the heat of the moment (he’s always regretful afterward). The counsellor has queried ND due to his intolerance of uncertainty, but school (who would know, he’s gotten a lot of well-being support for the anxiety) and his GP (who wouldn’t really) both say there are no signs of this.

What helped even from the age of your DD was making sure he had one on one time with each parent where we were all his and he didn’t need to compromise to accommodate DS2. It’s not a magic bullet, but it did give some good experiences to draw on in my memory when I was being shouted at again for enforcing a reasonable boundary about screen time or picking his stuff up. And now he’s older I can see that, people in our family excepted, he is more generous and kinder to others than his brother is, he’s remarkably mature coping with younger kids or kids with special needs, and he’s resilient as anything - much more so than DS2. I can see a lot to love and admire in both of them despite DS1’s very challenging behaviour towards me and DH.

Are there elements of DDs personality you can view with admiration to help tide you through the daily slog? And could one-on-one time help - both with DD and also with DS, to give you that experience of parenting where you’re not walking on eggshells? Just a break from the tension helps so much, and you shouldn’t feel guilty taking it. You will parent her with more patience once you’ve had a break, I’m sure. Good luck with everything.

Ooh just wait, it really does get worse! Wait till they start arguing with each other (probably when your ds gets to about 4) and it gets even worse when they are preteens/teens.

My eldest is like this and would argue with you about absolutely everything. We once had an argument about parking regulations because I was trying to find a place to park and she was insistent I could park somewhere I very clearly could not. I was like “you are bloody 10 years old!! What the hell do you know about town centre parking regulations?!”

I want to put her in the bin some days. Best advice is to try not to rise to it. Just let it go and don’t argue. It’s easier said than done, but try. I keep reminding myself that she is growing into the sort of woman who isn’t gonna take any bs off anybody and that’s a wonderful thing. Even though sometimes I want to kill her.