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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My boyfriend isn’t talking to me after a night out

494 replies

sad2025 · 26/06/2025 22:57

I don’t often go out late in the evenings but I had a work invitation to go to a really nice event, as there were free drinks there I had a few but by no means was I drunk
My partner collected me from the station and stayed the night but has been ignoring ever since
I am racking my brains to think of what I could have done because now I feel stressed and anxious and cannot sleep
The only thing he has said to me is I should know why because of Tuesday night

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
Bittenonce · 29/06/2025 18:16

Totally get you about having someone there. But they need to be the right person - he isn’t.
Please tell me you’ve binned him now, I’d feel so much happier thinking you were away from him, really people like him don’t deserve people like you. The dogs and I are hoping you’ll close the door on him as firmly as you did with the trolls posting on here 😂

ShoeeMcfee · 29/06/2025 19:06

My ex was like this man, OP, always had a face on if there was any danger of my enjoying myself without him. Ruined birthdays and events, too. He is now an ex.

Fernticket · 29/06/2025 21:19

Cherrytree86 · 27/06/2025 12:25

It’s a unanimous YANBU, OP!

he sounds like a prick

That's because he is a prick!

ClairDeLaLune · 30/06/2025 00:01

Pennyfin81 · 28/06/2025 18:49

All seems very vague. What was the event? Was his problem with the event or the people you went with? Why does he imagine you are going out with another guy? That doesn't seem like a random normal thing for him to think.... You said you knew he would have a problem with it.... so you probably know why he would have a problem?

Maybe the rest of the commenters are correct and he is in the wrong.... but this feels very much like half a story so far.

Edited

That doesn't seem like a random normal thing for him to think

You are correct. It is not a normal thing for him to think. But not because of anything OP has done, but because he is controlling, jealous, possessive and abusive. Have you never heard of such men before? Read more on MN, you’ll hear about plenty. In the meantime quit with the victim blaming @Pennyfin81

Pennyfin81 · 30/06/2025 00:19

ClairDeLaLune · 30/06/2025 00:01

That doesn't seem like a random normal thing for him to think

You are correct. It is not a normal thing for him to think. But not because of anything OP has done, but because he is controlling, jealous, possessive and abusive. Have you never heard of such men before? Read more on MN, you’ll hear about plenty. In the meantime quit with the victim blaming @Pennyfin81

Show quote history

Calm down. I asked a perfectly reasonable question. As I clearly stated, for those that bother reading before getting triggered, that it may well be that the guy was just a weirdo and the poster an angel. But it seems like an odd thing for someone to randomly decide that there is another boy friend in the picture so I was curious if there was some history of cheating, there was a particular person that the boyfriend was suspicious of or if the event was one that might be seen a problematic. By the posters original description it could have been anything from an innocent work event to meeting up with an ex boyfriend. Again if you want to just to her defence with absolutely no information then thats your choice.

notanothersummercold · 30/06/2025 00:23

Coffeequeen123 · 26/06/2025 23:13

He’s training you to not go out without him again. Classic sign of a toxic and controlling man. Next time, you may turn down the work events, which is what he wants. Get rid.

This x 10000000

Rosscameasdoody · 30/06/2025 09:27

Pennyfin81 · 30/06/2025 00:19

Calm down. I asked a perfectly reasonable question. As I clearly stated, for those that bother reading before getting triggered, that it may well be that the guy was just a weirdo and the poster an angel. But it seems like an odd thing for someone to randomly decide that there is another boy friend in the picture so I was curious if there was some history of cheating, there was a particular person that the boyfriend was suspicious of or if the event was one that might be seen a problematic. By the posters original description it could have been anything from an innocent work event to meeting up with an ex boyfriend. Again if you want to just to her defence with absolutely no information then thats your choice.

Show quote history

You’re victim blaming. It’s not odd for abusive men to ‘decide’ that there is infidelity in a relationship - iit’s part of a pattern of escalating controlling behaviour. Which, if you read all of OP’s posts, is very clearly what’s happening here. Other posters aren’t ‘triggered’ - other posters have real life experience of the kind of abuse OP is describing and can see and point out the red flags. I think for you to dismiss OP’s concerns and the advice she’s getting here so easily is very suggestive of some internalised misogyny.

Original poster
sad2025 · 30/06/2025 13:17

I am far from an angel as it goes but on this occasion I reached out because I was feeling anxious and stressed by someone’s behaviour, and actually you come across as quite unpleasant. This is just a gentle reminder that there is a real person on the end of this, I am not sure what you gain by being like this but what would be the value in it for me of not posting the exact circumstances on an anonymous forum

OP posts:
Original poster
sad2025 · 30/06/2025 13:18

@Pennyfin81this was for you btw

OP posts:
Original poster
sad2025 · 30/06/2025 13:21

my update is that I have asked him not to contact me for a week or so as I am processing everything and I am planning how to exit the relationship with as little impact as I can
I know I have gone back before but people have made me see that he is never going to change, and that he doesn’t see anything wrong
he said I was behaving strangely as his reason.
He would never take the dog back he is far too tight to want to pay towards her
I have a busy week at work and some nice weekend plans

OP posts:
Original poster
sad2025 · 30/06/2025 13:22

JFDIYOLO · 29/06/2025 09:06

Thank you, that is helpful

OP posts:
woollybean · 30/06/2025 13:59

sad2025 · 30/06/2025 13:21

my update is that I have asked him not to contact me for a week or so as I am processing everything and I am planning how to exit the relationship with as little impact as I can
I know I have gone back before but people have made me see that he is never going to change, and that he doesn’t see anything wrong
he said I was behaving strangely as his reason.
He would never take the dog back he is far too tight to want to pay towards her
I have a busy week at work and some nice weekend plans

SERIOUSLY….he absolutely would take the dog and if he’s too tight to keep her he will give her away. She deserves better than that. Please take this advice from someone who has experienced this. You have chosen to be in this relationship, she hasn’t! CHANGE THE LOCKS.

JFDIYOLO · 30/06/2025 14:06

I agree - he might well take the dog not because he wants her or intends to care for her - because it would hurt and upset you to lose her, and as a bonus to be worried about her welfare.

That's where this would fit - in the shitty things he may do to control you.

Change those locks, take her away with you for a nice cool dog friendly trip.

LittleGreenDragons · 30/06/2025 14:17

The dog is fine. If he takes the dog away then it's theft and a police matter. Whoever is registered on the microchip owns the dog. Hopefully the OP changes her locks though.

I changed her chip over and she is registered at the vets to me

thatsawhopperthatlemon · 30/06/2025 14:52

I hope the OP changes her locks regardless.

Pennyfin81 · 30/06/2025 15:04

Rosscameasdoody · 30/06/2025 09:27

You’re victim blaming. It’s not odd for abusive men to ‘decide’ that there is infidelity in a relationship - iit’s part of a pattern of escalating controlling behaviour. Which, if you read all of OP’s posts, is very clearly what’s happening here. Other posters aren’t ‘triggered’ - other posters have real life experience of the kind of abuse OP is describing and can see and point out the red flags. I think for you to dismiss OP’s concerns and the advice she’s getting here so easily is very suggestive of some internalised misogyny.

Edited
Show quote history

Of course the misogyny of asking a simple question. Im sure if a guy was on here and wrote a post saying "my girlfriend is angry with me" you would of course all immediately take his side with absolutely no information whatsoever and accuse her of being a monster and tell him to dump her right? Or would you just assume HE did something wrong because he's a man and man bad.

I did neither. I asked why the other person might be acting that way which is a perfectly reasonable and logical thing to do.

Most stories have more than one side and just leaping to judgement without knowing the other side is pretty silly.

If the OP came on here to just get a load of people to say he's wrong and shes right and she should dump him then im sure she got everything she wanted and more.

If she came on to genuinely ask why her bf might be acting that way then everyone trauma dumping their own misandry around how men are evil and telling her that he's just a monster isn't particularly helpful to her working that out.

No one on here knows either the OP or her partner from a tin of paint but you will confidently declare that he is definitely X Y and Z and she should do X from a brief vague description of an event they weren't at and know nothing about lol.

This is where the expression single people keep people single comes from.

For the OP. Do what you want, I personally wouldn't listen to strangers on the Internet telling you how to run your relationships based on their own emotions and no facts or history but its up to you. You're the one who needs to decide whether to give up a 4 year relationship because of a silly row because you know what the relationship is worth to you and how it has been before this incident.

My boyfriend isn’t talking to me after a night out
UtterlyHumiliated · 30/06/2025 15:14

Pennyfin81 · 30/06/2025 00:19

Calm down. I asked a perfectly reasonable question. As I clearly stated, for those that bother reading before getting triggered, that it may well be that the guy was just a weirdo and the poster an angel. But it seems like an odd thing for someone to randomly decide that there is another boy friend in the picture so I was curious if there was some history of cheating, there was a particular person that the boyfriend was suspicious of or if the event was one that might be seen a problematic. By the posters original description it could have been anything from an innocent work event to meeting up with an ex boyfriend. Again if you want to just to her defence with absolutely no information then thats your choice.

Show quote history

Definitely not odd an odd thing for anyone to randomly decide - your comment suggests that you’ve not been subject to this kind of controlling relationship before. If so, and I hope that’s the case, then you’re very lucky.

Unfortunately, that means that while you might sympathise with the OP, you can’t empathise with her and this is leading you to come across as insensitive and victim-blaming. What seems like a reasonable question/assumption to you can actually be quite harmful because from her posts, it looks like she is gaslit constantly into believing that her actions are somehow wrong by her partner and your posts reinforce that view. When you’re in the middle of a relationship like this, you question everything, especially your own instincts on these matters.

If you had been subjected to behaviour like this before, behaviour that is instantly recognisable to anyone who has been through it, then you would instinctively understand that and it would make it much harder to put forward your viewpoint, and the OP’s implied fault.

EDIT: having now seen your above post doubling down, it’s a real shame you can’t see any other viewpoint than your own and that you hadn't read the other thread, referred to in the OPs replies. Also, I’m married, with my DH for 15 years and expecting our first child. It’s not single people keeping people single, but sometimes those who made a good call to become single after a toxic relationship learn enough to both make better choices for themselves moving forward and to recognise the same red flags in other people’s descriptions of their relationship dynamics. Not misandry…experience and wisdom.

nomas · 30/06/2025 15:31

Pennyfin81 · 30/06/2025 15:04

Of course the misogyny of asking a simple question. Im sure if a guy was on here and wrote a post saying "my girlfriend is angry with me" you would of course all immediately take his side with absolutely no information whatsoever and accuse her of being a monster and tell him to dump her right? Or would you just assume HE did something wrong because he's a man and man bad.

I did neither. I asked why the other person might be acting that way which is a perfectly reasonable and logical thing to do.

Most stories have more than one side and just leaping to judgement without knowing the other side is pretty silly.

If the OP came on here to just get a load of people to say he's wrong and shes right and she should dump him then im sure she got everything she wanted and more.

If she came on to genuinely ask why her bf might be acting that way then everyone trauma dumping their own misandry around how men are evil and telling her that he's just a monster isn't particularly helpful to her working that out.

No one on here knows either the OP or her partner from a tin of paint but you will confidently declare that he is definitely X Y and Z and she should do X from a brief vague description of an event they weren't at and know nothing about lol.

This is where the expression single people keep people single comes from.

For the OP. Do what you want, I personally wouldn't listen to strangers on the Internet telling you how to run your relationships based on their own emotions and no facts or history but its up to you. You're the one who needs to decide whether to give up a 4 year relationship because of a silly row because you know what the relationship is worth to you and how it has been before this incident.

Show quote history

Of course the misogyny of asking a simple question. Im sure if a guy was on here and wrote a post saying "my girlfriend is angry with me" you would of course all immediately take his side with absolutely no information whatsoever and accuse her of being a monster and tell him to dump her right? Or would you just assume HE did something wrong because he's a man and man bad.

Yes, if a man posted that his girlfriend:

  • had been sulking because he had gone out
  • when asked why she was sulking, she responds ‘you should know why because of the night you went out’
  • nitpicks everything in his interactions with people
  • uses no response to texts about the night out as proof he is cheating
  • is not kind
  • acts up whenever he goes out to work events

Then she would be called abusive as well. Why do you think she wouldn’t?

Pennyfin81 · 30/06/2025 15:33

UtterlyHumiliated · 30/06/2025 15:14

Definitely not odd an odd thing for anyone to randomly decide - your comment suggests that you’ve not been subject to this kind of controlling relationship before. If so, and I hope that’s the case, then you’re very lucky.

Unfortunately, that means that while you might sympathise with the OP, you can’t empathise with her and this is leading you to come across as insensitive and victim-blaming. What seems like a reasonable question/assumption to you can actually be quite harmful because from her posts, it looks like she is gaslit constantly into believing that her actions are somehow wrong by her partner and your posts reinforce that view. When you’re in the middle of a relationship like this, you question everything, especially your own instincts on these matters.

If you had been subjected to behaviour like this before, behaviour that is instantly recognisable to anyone who has been through it, then you would instinctively understand that and it would make it much harder to put forward your viewpoint, and the OP’s implied fault.

EDIT: having now seen your above post doubling down, it’s a real shame you can’t see any other viewpoint than your own and that you hadn't read the other thread, referred to in the OPs replies. Also, I’m married, with my DH for 15 years and expecting our first child. It’s not single people keeping people single, but sometimes those who made a good call to become single after a toxic relationship learn enough to both make better choices for themselves moving forward and to recognise the same red flags in other people’s descriptions of their relationship dynamics. Not misandry…experience and wisdom.

Edited
Show quote history

You literally know nothing about either of these people and yet because you seem to have had bad relationships in the past you are willing to superimpose YOUR experience on a complete stranger based on almost no information. No sensible councelor, phyciatrist or psychologist would ever dream of making conclusions based on this little information, but you in your infinite wisdom imagine that YOU know exactly what she should do and what is going on with her partner, again a man you know NOTHING about.

You could do exactly the same thing with the boyfriend and say maybe he has been traumatised in the past by cheating, lying partners which has lead him to act out the way the OP is describing. Does that mean that if he was on a forum and the readers told him "dump her because we have seen women like this before and she must be cheating" they would be right? No! It would be equally ridiculous.

This isn't about me doubling down its about your hubris. You have no idea what is going on. Its not empathetic to tell someone else to dump someone because you are traumatised thats a horrible thing to do.

Pennyfin81 · 30/06/2025 15:40

nomas · 30/06/2025 15:31

Of course the misogyny of asking a simple question. Im sure if a guy was on here and wrote a post saying "my girlfriend is angry with me" you would of course all immediately take his side with absolutely no information whatsoever and accuse her of being a monster and tell him to dump her right? Or would you just assume HE did something wrong because he's a man and man bad.

Yes, if a man posted that his girlfriend:

  • had been sulking because he had gone out
  • when asked why she was sulking, she responds ‘you should know why because of the night you went out’
  • nitpicks everything in his interactions with people
  • uses no response to texts about the night out as proof he is cheating
  • is not kind
  • acts up whenever he goes out to work events

Then she would be called abusive as well. Why do you think she wouldn’t?

Edited
Show quote history

Because it happens to men i know every single day and no one ever calls their wife's and girlfriends abusive monsters. Are you seriously pretending you've never heard of a woman giving her man the cold shoulder because he went out with the lads and came home late? And wvery time it does most of the women i know laugh and say "thats right you tell him selfish git" or "well he won't do that again lol".

Ive yet to EVER hear a woman accuse another woman of abuse for any of the behaviour that you've mentioned let alone say he should leave her for it! Hell if a guy left a woman for nit picking and giving him the cold shoulder then most women would call him out for being unreasonable.

The double standard is crazy.

When a woman does it to her husband its just "hen pecking" or "cracking the whip". But if a man behaves exactly the same way its "abusive and controlling".

Hopingtobeaparent · 30/06/2025 15:53

Op, I really hope you have a nice time with your dog, have some time to reflect and gather a good sense of perspective.

You knew he’d respond the way he has when you went out, that tells you a lot.

Companionship should still be with someone you like, value, who respects you in return etc..

Be brave. It’ll be OK.

Hugs.

Pennyfin81 · 30/06/2025 15:57

Wouldn't it be ironic if the reason the bf was acting like this was because he went on some men's forum and a bunch of know nothing guys filled his head with nonsense about what he should do in this situation just like most of the commenters are doing here. And maybe if no one had gone ahead and stuck their oar in then they could have resolved things sensibly but because of all the rethoric they both blew things way out of proportion. And now they are here.

This is why its better to go to your community and family with these issues than the Internet

nomas · 30/06/2025 15:58

Pennyfin81 · 30/06/2025 15:40

Because it happens to men i know every single day and no one ever calls their wife's and girlfriends abusive monsters. Are you seriously pretending you've never heard of a woman giving her man the cold shoulder because he went out with the lads and came home late? And wvery time it does most of the women i know laugh and say "thats right you tell him selfish git" or "well he won't do that again lol".

Ive yet to EVER hear a woman accuse another woman of abuse for any of the behaviour that you've mentioned let alone say he should leave her for it! Hell if a guy left a woman for nit picking and giving him the cold shoulder then most women would call him out for being unreasonable.

The double standard is crazy.

When a woman does it to her husband its just "hen pecking" or "cracking the whip". But if a man behaves exactly the same way its "abusive and controlling".

Show quote history

You’re being very simplistic and not looking at the pattern of his behaviour.

I’ve listed 6 of his problematic behaviours. Why have you ignored them?

TwistedWonder · 30/06/2025 16:00

nomas · 30/06/2025 15:58

You’re being very simplistic and not looking at the pattern of his behaviour.

I’ve listed 6 of his problematic behaviours. Why have you ignored them?

Show quote history

It’s also not the first thread the OP has started about his controlling behaviours.
The previous one he lets himself into her flat and berates her about it being too messy.

Her previous thread along with this one shows a pattern of behaviour, it’s not a one off.

T1Dmama · 30/06/2025 16:45

woollybean · 30/06/2025 13:59

SERIOUSLY….he absolutely would take the dog and if he’s too tight to keep her he will give her away. She deserves better than that. Please take this advice from someone who has experienced this. You have chosen to be in this relationship, she hasn’t! CHANGE THE LOCKS.

Show quote history

OP has already said the dog’s ownership has already transferred to her - chip in her name, registered at vets in her name etc.