Man 35 with no children is this a red flag?

[singlemumoffour]

Hi,

Just curious to know what other think on this matter? Would you say this is a red flag? He also hasn’t had very long relationships and lives with his dad?

Have not read the full thread but no kids at 35 isn't a red flag to me.

Living with his dad, entirely depends on the set up. Has he ever left home? Is it still like he's being looked after by a parent or do they live more like housemates?
If they get on well and have a healthy "adult child and parent" relationship rather than a dependent one I think it could just the financially sensible. If he isn't paying his way and doing his share of house related stuff then that would be the flag as he's likely not actually grown up and would expect you to take over looking after him should things progress.

My friend is dating someone in his 40s that lives with his dad. He got divorced not long before his mum died. His dad was going to downsize to make things more manageable for himself, but didn't actually want to leave the house. So the boyfriend left his rented place and moved in with his dad, keeps on top of the house and pays fair rent. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

I think the fact you're asking probably means it isn't like that though!

No. Grab him with both hands!!

Why is he living at home? If it's because he can't manage day to day living without support, then maybe a red flag. If it just makes economic sense to share a home with his father by choice, and he's otherwise independent, I don't see a problem. He's 35. Lots of men don't have children at that age.

I'd personally see anyone with four children (who weren't grown and independent) as less desirable, because I don't want to have to deal with someone else's dependent children at this point in time. The point being - we all have things that other people might not prefer in a partner. Living with your father isn't one of mine.

I agree with this (also as a single mum) in part, but I think ultimately the red flag here is ops ex.

It always frustrates me when single parents are painted as red flags or judged and stereotyped when they are the parents who stayed, showed up and were consistent - usually single mothers - while we just leave the men who let their family down out of the equation and let them slink off into the background and away from accountability. It's super misogynistic. Yes, taking on a partners kids and considering being a step parent is a big undertaking and needs to be taken very seriously, but that doesn't make someone a red flag. I'd question if a single father would be labelled in the same way as we often have much more sympathy for them.

To answer your question op, no I don't think it's a red flag as long as he's financially secure and solid. But for now I'd be dating him and just enjoying it for fun and seeing who he really is before even considering whether or not he'll fit with your kids etc. If he's really pushing to meet your kids or rush things then that's a big red flag.

If he's looking for more children then I think that's the main red flag here if you're finished at 4. I can understand why you're asking since you've been so let down before, you don't want to get hurt again.

Didn’t rtft before posting so edited. But maybe you don’t like him all that much?

I think this is a very fair and balanced answer.

I wouldn't choose a man with four dependent children myself. Maybe if they were older teens, but not younger children. I don't want to go back to that at this point in time. It doesn't mean the man isn't a wonderful person and partner, just that I don't want what young children mean for my life at this point.

@Lavender14i meant more that we, are always perceived as the red flags. Regardless on what our children’s fathers have done - the attitude towards single mothers vs single fathers have always been the same. It’s entirely misogynistic but also is what happens.

I did not mean I am a red flag because I have 4, but to an outsider looking in, it’s me that is the flag because I have the children. My ex for example has already had 3 partners. It’s shit but it’s how it has been.

your analysis is on point

All the assumptions, the shitty comments about single mums of multiple children and the bashing of the circumstances was completely disgusting and out of order. The question was is this a red flag?

Wasn’t it a thread with you bashing someone else’s circumstances though?

No clearly it wasn’t. It was me asking a question about someone’s circumstances.

That rather assumes they got married then had the kids. That's a big assumption these days.

If OP had known him years it is odd she had 4 kids with him and then married before changing her mind about him

Later on in the thread, (I hadn't read that far) she did say they had the kids then got married.

they had the kids. Then got narried. Then he had the affair (surprise. Surprise) probably he left her for greener grass.

You say he wants kids, but you don't, so this is a non starter anyway....

How is that a red flag? It sounds entirely preferable to having forged ahead and had children in a unstable relationship.

It’s actually no different to saying that not having children is a red flag.

Both comments are ridiculous.

Its interesting that you react strongly and defensively against a comment aimed at you, but don’t give thought to the fact you’re effectively saying the same thing about someone else.

He's had previous relationships which have gone nowhere. No big deal. He has lived with someone but that didn't work out so now he lives with his dad. Like a lot of people who leave relationships he has moved back home. He has not felt committed enough in previous relationships to have children and he hasn't been putting it about to have illegitimate ones that he has dumped and run.
Sounds like a sensible chap to me.

Im personally not saying that having 4 kids is a red flag or anything. But in the thread, I haven't seen anyone say that it is only red flag if woman has 4 kids and a green flag if a man has 4 kids? Or that men who abandoned their kids are totally fine and it isnt a problematic at all to date them? I feel like in MN there is an assumption that single dads are looking for a new woman to be maid and a new mom so they can get away with parenting.

If you are indeed a single mum of four, then I'd steer well clear because you don't (presumably) want or need to become a single mum of 5 more children.

Only in so far as he sounds very sensible. Taking on a single mum with 4 kids doesn't really fit in with that personality. I have a friend who is in a similar situation and eventually the guy wanted a child of their own but she wasn't prepared to do that and it became a deal breaker.

Im 38 no kids am i a red flag.

Id rather date someone without the baggage of kids.
Who cares if they still live with their parents a lot still do due to the rising cost of housing.