Man 35 with no children is this a red flag?

[singlemumoffour]

Hi,

Just curious to know what other think on this matter? Would you say this is a red flag? He also hasn’t had very long relationships and lives with his dad?

Ok.

Please don’t comment again.
no need for the shitty comments towards single mums.

Honestly! 🤦🏼‍♀️🙄

some of the comments are disgusting aren’t they?

Even if you found a fantastic guy, is he prepared to commit financially and emotionally to bringing up 4 children that are not his own. That is HUGE and quite frankly he would need to be loaded unless you have a lucrative career or wealthy ex?

OP
Just laugh at them, like I am...

Tbh, it’s hardly a red flag until you know more about the individual circs. House prices are have made owning a property as a single person almost impossible so who knows if he’s saving up for a deposit? In that case, he’s very financially responsible so the opposite of a red flag. He may also provide an element of care for his parent. As far as relationships go, you could say OP is non committal also given she’s still single and of course 4 children also could be a red flag - playing devils advocate - could be a sign of irresponsibility with contraception so big red flag. Or she is responsible and children were conceived responsibly or some such. So could be interpreted any which way for both of you!

Just think how many women post on here almost daily, with guy being initially perfect, own home, job, very confident partner and then ends up being the biggest red flag they’ve ever dated!

@singlemumoffour so just like you wouldn’t want to be judged on appearance or your current circumstances, no one can ever know truly if someone is a red flag until you cautiously start to get to know them (obviously no children contact for very long time). Based on what you’ve already told us - personally on that alone, I wouldn’t say he’s an immediate red flag. Anyone who says this is ridiculously judgmental with nothing to yet back it up!

Really nobody is making shitty comments towards single mums. They -you - we- are people worth respect and admiration.

I think you're a bit hard of understanding though. The things that happened in the past, that mean you are now a single mum, and the way you parent now - these are not the things we are passing judgement on.

But the things you choose to do in the future have to be done with your children in mind. Because your children are here, now, and are important and need you! This goes for the decisions you make, and the decisions anyone interested in dating you would make.

YOU are not a red flag. The prospect of joining you as a responsible adult to four vulnerable kids MIGHT be a red flag, in the sense that it should give a decent man pause for thought, and mean that he and you need to communicate well and consider what you both want.

That is really all that anyone is saying, but you are super touchy - can't blame you though if people have bashed you before.

God OP do you really want more kids if you already have 4?? Is a 35 year old man living at his parents house going to be able to help support 5+ kids?

You need to work on your judgement. Focus on your children and not repeat past mistakes.

I don't see him living with his dad as a red flag. They probably keep each other company.
No kids is definitely not a red flag either.

So true. To be able to give further assessment we need to know about the financial set up of OP and perceived financial status of prospective partner?

I'm just imagining all the red flags across the country, at single parents homes...

What an absolute insult.

How deeply, deeply unpleasant you are.

OP doesn’t want anymore kids but the man she is asking about DOES according to OP. So why are we all even here having this conversation? They are incompatible.

What mistakes are these?
Her husband being a cheat and traitor to his whole family?

How can that be OP's mistake?

Oh.......... Are you one of those handmaidens?
There's a lot on Mumsnet nowadays

Not having kids is not a red flag. It is a plus. No long term relationships would be something I'd like to observe, could be that they just haven't found anyone or could be that there is a reason for it. Livign with dad at 35 is the biggest red flag for me depending on reasons. Have they always lived with able-bodied parent? Or is he a carer? Living there for the month cause their flat is under renovation?

@Petitchat

That Ok with you love? Maybe have a quick gander through the posts before making a hideous comment about people with special needs. Ironically while on a soap box about single parents being judged.

My DH was childless and 36 when I met him.. we now have two children.
He wasnt living with his family, but I don't think it is necessarily a red flag. Find out the reason why, might just be a sensible financial arrangement and gets on well with his dad.

You can be offended all you want but many people, particularly in their early to mid 30s will be looking for something in a similar non attached situation to them, they will not actively be looking for someone with loads of kids.

As a single mum of two, it's just exceptionally difficult to integrate another adult into a pre existing family set up. It can be done, some people manage it. Maybe men are more accepting than women? I most certainly wouldn't have a relationship with a man who had young children. Or with no children, as we'd be fundamentally so different. My children would probably be no more than polite to a new adult in our home. Actually one of them would be a bit venomous.

If OP said she doesnt want more kids, why did you say:

God OP do you really want more kids if you already have four

How deeply deeply hard of understanding you seem to be...

I asked a simple question, wanted a simple answer. Didn’t ask for people to question my intentions on this person, didn’t ask people to tell me I am the red flag because I have 4 children, didn’t need the comments made by other members that I should be careful about who I let into my kids life’s and that I should be focusing on them. I haven’t said anything but what has been put on my thread, I’m quite capable of making decisions when it comes to my children and they always have and always will be my first main priority just like they have over the years.

All the assumptions, the shitty comments about single mums of multiple children and the bashing of the circumstances was completely disgusting and out of order. The question was is this a red flag?

Instead of insulting me and giving me invalid points on the matter just scroll by and don’t bother replying anymore.

If I was a single mum with 4 children and a 35 year old man with no kids who lived with his dad, but did want kids, was showing an interest in me, I’d probably see that as a red flag to be honest.

I don’t have 4 children but I am a parent and I can appreciate that actually that man and I lead completely different lives, we are not compatible, my life is busy with children and that’s with having far less than 4 so I can’t imagine how much busier that would be, and they do say nobody falls in love faster than a man who needs somewhere to sleep!

I agree with this

I actually think it could be a red flag OP. Not that he’s childless but that’s he’s childless and interesting in a woman with four. I’d be questioning why he’d want to know my four hooligans and how he’d manage/ expect a relationship like that.

does he have experience with children? Would you want him to meet yours?

It’s completely normal to have no kids at 35. It’s a lot less of a red flag than having four.

I think an adult could live with their parent in different ways. If the 'child' has previously lived alone and has moved back and is sharing as two equal adults, it could make a lot of sense to split bills and amicably share a home. Why be lonely if they get on really well.