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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

BF making me feel like i am a bad person

195 replies

Ninjagoooo · 26/06/2025 16:42

I don't know what to do in this situation. Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.

I stayed over at BF house as I had a half day the following day. Meant to get up early and go home but ended up sleeping in and waking up at midday in a blind panic. BF had tried to wake me but couldn't (I do sleep like the dead so I believe this). He had got me pastries for breakfast even though I don't eat breakfast and seemed annoyed that I didn't eat them all. He was really cold when I left his.

He sent me a text later saying I was really selfish; he was upset as he had had problems yesterday too and I'd ignored those (my work is extremely intense, I barely have time to make a cup of tea let alone talk about problems, he knows this about my work). He was annoyed I didn't do the washing up before I left but he is in a houseshare and he's always seemed to not want me to go into the shared areas so I've not done this, he has always wanted me to stay in his room.

He said I was really selfish and we were on the phone between 11 and 3am; I was saying I'm sorry I'm selfish and he was like "do you know WHY I am saying you're selfish?" And "You still don't know" until I was able to explain how awful I'd been (in his eyes - I don't think I'd done anything wrong). It was horrible.

He then told me I am selfish in the bedroom too. I was really surprised by this as I have always tried to do stuff he likes. He has asked me to try new things which I have mostly obliged. He was twisting my words and saying that some of the things we tried were my idea - but they weren't, or they were needed to do what HE wants (e.g. me saying we need toys so we can try his ideas out).

He has an obsession with me being right and will always shut down any debate with 'oh yes I remember - you are right. I am wrong'. This makes it impossible as it means he can just shut down any conversation. His 'nickname' for me is Paxman, he says I am like him (argumentative). I really don't think I am like Jeremy Paxman at all!

This is my first relationship since getting divorced; my exH was very abusive but was the one who ended our marriage; when I tried to explain this to my BF and said I don't know why exH was so horrible to me, he said I should try and see my exH's point of view!! I'd held off criticism of my ex but it got to a point where I needed to explain as exH and I share DC and they don't like going to see their dad.

Yesterday he said "are you starting to see why your ex left?" which really hurt my feelings as exH was so awful to me and it's taken many years of therapy to get to a better place - boyfriend is making me feel like I've regressed a lot, mentally.

Boyfriend also told me that I get distracted easily and it really annoys him (I have adhd). That if I say I'll do something e.g. watch TV, agree to have sex, etc. I will always get a drink or go for a wee or something first and then start talking about other stuff. I said I really can't help this and then he was like "sorry. I forgot you are always right 🫩"

Being scolded and basically confessing how awful I am as a person was really triggering.

I just don't know what I can do; he has made me feel like I am a really horrible person when I know that actually, I'm not. I'm not perfect but it's like he thinks I am this awful, selfish, argumentative individual. He is constantly threatening to end things, says he will move away, etc. and this has been a recurring theme throughout the time we have been together, so I am always wary of being too affectionate as I know he can pull the rug at any moment.

He said I am not grabby enough with him, so he doesn't feel wanted - I'm not particularly demonstrative but I've explained this. I spend as much time with him as I can. I try and do nice things for him. But it is hard to be grabby etc. as I think every time I see him will be the last time, as he keeps breaking things off.

Last weekend he said "I love you" for the first time, and I thought we had turned a corner. But now it is back to threats to end things, etc.

I do not know how to proceed at this point? I feel awful today.

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/06/2025 16:45

Why do you want to proceed with him? Genuinely, what is it that makes you want to be with him?

Chewbecca · 26/06/2025 16:46

You do know how to proceed!

OurChristmasMiracle · 26/06/2025 16:47

You need to end this relationship - he is abusing you and using his knowledge of your past as a way of undermining you thinking that something is wrong. He’s trying to make you feel that it’s something wrong with you- ITS NOT!

The telling you he loves you is all a part of the abuse.

im sorry this is happening to you

something2say · 26/06/2025 16:48

I think - if it doesn't work easily and naturally, then it isn't for you. It shouldn't be this hard.

I'd ring him and have a conversation to say, it is not working, lets leave it.

Todaystoast · 26/06/2025 16:48

Do you feel you need to wait for him to leave you? Could you leave him instead?

BellesAndGraces · 26/06/2025 16:49

If you’re looking for permission to free yourself from this man, then here it is, I am giving it to you. It’s fine to leave him.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/06/2025 16:50

This man is also abusive towards you do the relationship is over. Yoir boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, have been further damaged by this man now. Do not enter into a further relationship until
your boundaries are a lot healthier than they are currently. Be on your in, it’s better than being with someone like this current man.

If you have not already enrolled yourself on to the Freedom Program do so as this is for those who have been in abusive relationships previously.

Weefreetiffany · 26/06/2025 16:50

People who are emotionally abused often feel the need to over-explain to be heard. Sounds like he is negging you. Get rid of him ASAP, I wouldn’t want my friend or daughter trested like youve described

pikkumyy77 · 26/06/2025 16:50

You are definitely in another abusive relationship.

Just get out now, get to a safe distance, and then reconsider what you tolerate in a bf. Because this one just ran you over in a red flag laden bus, backed up over you and blamed you for being crushed.

Burntt · 26/06/2025 16:50

End this. You have found another abuser here

Original poster
Ninjagoooo · 26/06/2025 16:51

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 26/06/2025 16:45

Why do you want to proceed with him? Genuinely, what is it that makes you want to be with him?

I just really wanted a boyfriend, the companionship that comes with that.

Friends are all partnered off and it is really lonely, when I am by myself for an entire long weekend because DC are with my exH.

And he can be really nice, when he wants to be. That is what is making it so hard. But I just feel that siding with my ex, who was abusive, has crossed a line.

OP posts:
JustAboutMuddlingThrough · 26/06/2025 16:53

Dump the fucker!! Trust me it doesn’t get any better.

DPotter · 26/06/2025 16:54

Any man who throws "are you starting to see why your ex left?" at me would very quickly be an ex BF.

I'm sorry Ninja but I don't think this is the right man for you. At best he's trying to turn you into someone you are not (eg physically affectionate/ 'grabby' - horrible term btw), at worst he's gaslighting you, putting you on eggshells and starting the whole abuse ramp up. Which will include being told he loves you, to make sure you stay.

If you're still at the stage of calling him a boyfriend, it doesn't sound like you've been together very long and therefore don't have the relationship track record which it might be worth working for.

You ask what you should do. This is my suggestion. Text / email "I think it best we part company. I'm obviously not the right person for you. I wish you well. Please don't contact me."

This man is not worth your heartache

SpIash · 26/06/2025 16:55

Oh OP, come oooon. You know this guy is a dickhead.

What are you playing at?

Original poster
Ninjagoooo · 26/06/2025 16:55

Thanks for the replies.
@weefreetiffany I do feel like I am doing a lot of over-explaining here in this post! It is so exhausting. I just wish we could go back to how things were in the first few weeks before the threats to end things started.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ninjagoooo · 26/06/2025 16:56

He also said my behaviour at his (not being sufficiently grateful for the breakfast, not listening to his problems) was "a big red flag" to him.
I don't want to be giving him red flags. He has just made me feel so awful about myself.

OP posts:
Hatty65 · 26/06/2025 16:57

Blimey.

Just dump him, block and move on. He's awful.

Treesinthewind · 26/06/2025 16:57

I've got ADHD and have also been in an abusive relationship. It's really easy for neurodivergent women to end up in abusive relationships because we've been told our whole life that we're simultaneously too much and not enough.
Your hopefully-soon-to-be-ex sounds like a mix of my abusive ex and the guy I then ended up with, who wasn't as abusive, but kept me on eggshells by repeatedly withdrawing affection so I would beg him to stay. The 'making you stay away all night confessing everything you've done wrong even when you don't know what it was' is horrible - my son's dad did that and it really messes with your head. It made me incredibly hypervigilant to his moods, which has made relationships since really difficult. I've now been single for over a year without even flirting with anyone and am feeling so much more confident and at peace. It does get lonely, but being with someone like this man is much worse. Do you have any pets?

Treesinthewind · 26/06/2025 16:58

Ninjagoooo · 26/06/2025 16:55

Thanks for the replies.
@weefreetiffany I do feel like I am doing a lot of over-explaining here in this post! It is so exhausting. I just wish we could go back to how things were in the first few weeks before the threats to end things started.

That's why it's so hard to leave these relationships. They show a totally different side for the first few weeks and then when it stops, we think it's our fault and are desperate to get it back. The truth is, it was never there.

Shinyandnew1 · 26/06/2025 16:58

.I do not know how to proceed at this point?

You proceed by leaving him. He is horrible and you deserve better.

Btowngirl · 26/06/2025 16:58

You two are not one bit compatible by the sound of things. In the nicest way, don’t let history repeat itself and end up with another looser. I would be telling him to shove his house share up his ass

DPotter · 26/06/2025 16:59

I appreciate it's hard when all your friends have partners and the kids are at their dad's. Plan to get out of the house at least once a day. Local to us is a walking group which runs every day of the week. Not necessarily somewhere you would find a best friend, but chatty and friendly enough. DP goes to pickleball and then stays on for a chat and a cuppa afterwards. There is stuff to do over the weekends if your single that's free or doesn't cost and arm and a leg.

Even if you have the occasional stay-at-home weekend - that's got to be better than facing abuse. Please dump this man tonight

Wishimaywishimight · 26/06/2025 17:00

He sounds bloody awful but equally it sounds like you want a boyfriend at all costs.

It's entirely in your hands.

Original poster
Ninjagoooo · 26/06/2025 17:01

DPotter · 26/06/2025 16:54

Any man who throws "are you starting to see why your ex left?" at me would very quickly be an ex BF.

I'm sorry Ninja but I don't think this is the right man for you. At best he's trying to turn you into someone you are not (eg physically affectionate/ 'grabby' - horrible term btw), at worst he's gaslighting you, putting you on eggshells and starting the whole abuse ramp up. Which will include being told he loves you, to make sure you stay.

If you're still at the stage of calling him a boyfriend, it doesn't sound like you've been together very long and therefore don't have the relationship track record which it might be worth working for.

You ask what you should do. This is my suggestion. Text / email "I think it best we part company. I'm obviously not the right person for you. I wish you well. Please don't contact me."

This man is not worth your heartache

Thank you for your response.
It has been six months. Which feels like ages although we have had weeks where he has gone quiet.

I think you're right about him wanting to change my personality. I'm not a bubbly person, I'm not grabby. I am quite shy, really. And still not at that point where I'd be like "come here, you!". Because in part it is because I am worried he's just gonna end it at some point.

OP posts:
cryptide · 26/06/2025 17:03

Please get rid, he sounds really awful and a total wanker. You don't have to be lonely when your child isn't with you at weekends, look out for local activities, e.g. walking groups, cinema and theatre clubs, voluntary work etc so that you're not on your own. Or just enjoy the peace from your intense job!