BF making me feel like i am a bad person

[Ninjagoooo]

I don't know what to do in this situation. Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.

I stayed over at BF house as I had a half day the following day. Meant to get up early and go home but ended up sleeping in and waking up at midday in a blind panic. BF had tried to wake me but couldn't (I do sleep like the dead so I believe this). He had got me pastries for breakfast even though I don't eat breakfast and seemed annoyed that I didn't eat them all. He was really cold when I left his.

He sent me a text later saying I was really selfish; he was upset as he had had problems yesterday too and I'd ignored those (my work is extremely intense, I barely have time to make a cup of tea let alone talk about problems, he knows this about my work). He was annoyed I didn't do the washing up before I left but he is in a houseshare and he's always seemed to not want me to go into the shared areas so I've not done this, he has always wanted me to stay in his room.

He said I was really selfish and we were on the phone between 11 and 3am; I was saying I'm sorry I'm selfish and he was like "do you know WHY I am saying you're selfish?" And "You still don't know" until I was able to explain how awful I'd been (in his eyes - I don't think I'd done anything wrong). It was horrible.

He then told me I am selfish in the bedroom too. I was really surprised by this as I have always tried to do stuff he likes. He has asked me to try new things which I have mostly obliged. He was twisting my words and saying that some of the things we tried were my idea - but they weren't, or they were needed to do what HE wants (e.g. me saying we need toys so we can try his ideas out).

He has an obsession with me being right and will always shut down any debate with 'oh yes I remember - you are right. I am wrong'. This makes it impossible as it means he can just shut down any conversation. His 'nickname' for me is Paxman, he says I am like him (argumentative). I really don't think I am like Jeremy Paxman at all!

This is my first relationship since getting divorced; my exH was very abusive but was the one who ended our marriage; when I tried to explain this to my BF and said I don't know why exH was so horrible to me, he said I should try and see my exH's point of view!! I'd held off criticism of my ex but it got to a point where I needed to explain as exH and I share DC and they don't like going to see their dad.

Yesterday he said "are you starting to see why your ex left?" which really hurt my feelings as exH was so awful to me and it's taken many years of therapy to get to a better place - boyfriend is making me feel like I've regressed a lot, mentally.

Boyfriend also told me that I get distracted easily and it really annoys him (I have adhd). That if I say I'll do something e.g. watch TV, agree to have sex, etc. I will always get a drink or go for a wee or something first and then start talking about other stuff. I said I really can't help this and then he was like "sorry. I forgot you are always right 🫩"

Being scolded and basically confessing how awful I am as a person was really triggering.

I just don't know what I can do; he has made me feel like I am a really horrible person when I know that actually, I'm not. I'm not perfect but it's like he thinks I am this awful, selfish, argumentative individual. He is constantly threatening to end things, says he will move away, etc. and this has been a recurring theme throughout the time we have been together, so I am always wary of being too affectionate as I know he can pull the rug at any moment.

He said I am not grabby enough with him, so he doesn't feel wanted - I'm not particularly demonstrative but I've explained this. I spend as much time with him as I can. I try and do nice things for him. But it is hard to be grabby etc. as I think every time I see him will be the last time, as he keeps breaking things off.

Last weekend he said "I love you" for the first time, and I thought we had turned a corner. But now it is back to threats to end things, etc.

I do not know how to proceed at this point? I feel awful today.

There are more red flags here than a communist parade. I say that as a social worker working with DV victims, and lived experience. He is another abuser. I know you don't want to hear that, you probably feel you have invested so much and its hard to pull away, but really you have to. This is going to get far far worse. He's in no way good enough for you. x

Dump the fucker and find someone else of you are lonely.

He is an abuser. Making their target feel awful and guilty, and responsible is what they do. They are always lovely at first, that's how they reel you in. Then when they can't keep up the pretence any longer, they start twisting things to make it look like it is your fault all along.

Please, for goodness sake, get rid of him. He is truly awful. And he is coercing you into doing things in bed you aren't comfortable with. He then tells you it was your idea when you know it wasn't. He is gaslighting you.

Your boundaries have been totally skewed, so please read and re-read all of our comments. We all say the same thing.

Dump him.

You're looking back at that honeymoon period but the thing is, he wasn't showing you his true self there. Do you realise if you spoke to every girlfriend he'd ever had, they would say that this is how he is - nice at first then a negging bastard after a few weeks.

Are you living together? If not, just dump him. I'm wondering whether he's moved into your house - this is very typical of that kind of man. Lovebomb you, move into your house and treat you like shit.

@treesinthewind

No pets but I did have a dog before and am thinking about getting one again as I really enjoyed having one and it was good for my mental health.

It's really easy for neurodivergent women to end up in abusive relationships because we've been told our whole life that we're simultaneously too much and not enough.

I really feel this - looking back i can see most of my relationships did have some amount of abusiveness in them. First I would be praised for "not being like other girls" but then it started to annoy them. This seems to be what's happening now.

He is saying I don't tell him things and am secretive but he has never asked me questions about DC for example. This last week he wanted to meet them and was asking me all about them.

He’s also taken your ADHD and bashed you further about the head with it. He’s an abuser who targeted you deliberately to abuse and otherwise mistreat.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. It’s over.

It is not uncommon for women to go from one abusive relationship into another abusive relationship and this man has further damaged your already weak boundaries. He will
destroy you emotionally from the inside out if you remain with him. And he’s already making you feel bad, this is he projecting his own self onto you.

Also, OP, I know you are probably scared of being single again, and lonely - because it is hard. But things can turn around so so quickly. I was single and getting quite lonely and then 2 months ago BOOM, I met my boyfriend and Im besotted. If it all goes to shit, I can know that you can meet a good 'un who deserves you at any point, and your life can change so quickly.

Don't put up with this shit. There are so so many lovely men out there.

He wants to make you feel like a bad person. This is a deliberate move on his part. It's not a reaction to your behaviour, it's his literal goal.

You fearful and worried and anxious to please him, is what he wants. Not you happy and content and enjoying life.

He was annoyed I didn't do the washing up before I left but he is in a houseshare and he's always seemed to not want me to go into the shared areas so I've not done this, he has always wanted me to stay in his room.
This was the plan. He doesn't want you to get it "right", he wants you to be wrong and on the back foot so he can be annoyed with you.

He said I was really selfish and we were on the phone between 11 and 3am; I was saying I'm sorry I'm selfish and he was like "do you know WHY I am saying you're selfish?" And "You still don't know" until I was able to explain how awful I'd been (in his eyes - I don't think I'd done anything wrong). It was horrible.
That was his goal. He doesn't want to spend 4 hours on the phone fixing things. He wants to spend 4 hours on the phone at the end of which you feel berated, beaten down and horrible.

Being scolded and basically confessing how awful I am as a person was really triggering.
I won't go on doing this but again, this is exactly what he wants.

He's not trying to have a relationship with you. He's trying to emotionally abuse you. He doesn't want this to work well and you both be happy together. He wants you to feel like shit.

Dump him 💐 and find someone better!

You will always be better off alone than in a relationship which is abusive. Which this is. He showed you his true colours, which always happens in the end. You didnt give any red flags - but he has a parade full. I know its hard, but dont let him keep making you feel this way.

This sums it up perfectly, it will get worse

He sounds awful, I'm sure you could do a lot better and if you have DC, you have to be super vigilant about getting into another abusive relationship

Being on your own is far, far preferable to being in an unhappy, toxic relationship. Any man is really not better than no man

He's not moved into my house but has hinted about living together at some point. He has even started talking about marriage.

@OP "I just really wanted a boyfriend, the companionship that comes with that."

This is not a reason to stay with an abusive man.

He was being fake when you met and I'll put money on that being because he knows damned well he's an arsehole that gets kicks out of belittling other people to make himself feel powerful. He's showing his true colours now because a horrible person can't fake a nice personality for long.

It's a game to him and he saw you as vulnerable from the start. If he was a nice person he would not be playing on your vulnerabilities like this.

Dump him.

Ltb and get a dcat.
Never an abusive cunt ime.

He also talks a lot about his exes, more than a normal amount, I think (not sure what a normal amount actually is!) He will say how beautiful they were.
He has shown me photos of them, which I think is a bit weird.

It's not weird at all. He's trying to make you feel insecure by comparison.

If he wanted a functioning relationship then yes it would be weird. But he doesn't, he wants one where you feel like shit.

He's horrible, end it.

I have tried to find a nice man but it is really hard, I don't know whether it is because I have adhd but now I am genuinely starting to think that I am nobody will want me 😱 even though I know that irrational. I would really like to meet someone who's actually nice

So far, you think he's treating you horribly and making you feel bad about yourself. And you're still with him.

Stop trying to figure him out or wondering what you should change about yourself to make him stop being like he is. Concentrate more on trying to work out why you're still putting up with him when he's treating you so poorly.

Repeat after me "I am who I am and if you don't like it, don't try and change me, just fuck off instead".

You're in another abusive relationship.

You need therapy and might want to do your Freedom Program. You also might want to read Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie.

Companionship does not mean stick around for abuse. You need single time to reset your views on relationships and learn what a healthy one looks like.

Would you or have you tolerated this from a friend?.

Love your own self for a change and work out who you are and what you want from a relationship properly because you are again with Mr Wrong here.

Talk to Women’s Aid and enrol
yourself onto the Freedom Programme.

You will never ever meet your actual Mr Right if you remain with your current abuser.

I only read 2 paragraphs and this is a very definite LTB ASAP. He is a total arse.

He really doesn't seem to like you at all. Why would you want to be with someone like that? There isn't one positive thing that I have read about him, apart from it was nice in the first few weeks. Get rid, loneliness is better than this.

You do not deserve this. Throw away the whole - I hesitate to say the word - man.

This guy is abusive and he's just showing you who he really is. Imagine him in a real life stressful situation.

You're better off being single than with this nutcase it'll get worse.

I agree 100% with the pp who says he wants to make you feel like a bad person.

That way, you are then desperate to do anything to please and appease him, because all the time you feel worthless and scared he is going to carry out his threat of dumping you. So you carry on and on, in the vain hope that one day you will be 'good enough' for him to be nice to you again.

Please don't tolerate this any longer. It would be far better to spend a day or two by yourself at the weekend rather than feeling worried sick about what you have 'done' to make him annoyed with you again.