I don't know what to do in this situation. Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.
I stayed over at BF house as I had a half day the following day. Meant to get up early and go home but ended up sleeping in and waking up at midday in a blind panic. BF had tried to wake me but couldn't (I do sleep like the dead so I believe this). He had got me pastries for breakfast even though I don't eat breakfast and seemed annoyed that I didn't eat them all. He was really cold when I left his.
He sent me a text later saying I was really selfish; he was upset as he had had problems yesterday too and I'd ignored those (my work is extremely intense, I barely have time to make a cup of tea let alone talk about problems, he knows this about my work). He was annoyed I didn't do the washing up before I left but he is in a houseshare and he's always seemed to not want me to go into the shared areas so I've not done this, he has always wanted me to stay in his room.
He said I was really selfish and we were on the phone between 11 and 3am; I was saying I'm sorry I'm selfish and he was like "do you know WHY I am saying you're selfish?" And "You still don't know" until I was able to explain how awful I'd been (in his eyes - I don't think I'd done anything wrong). It was horrible.
He then told me I am selfish in the bedroom too. I was really surprised by this as I have always tried to do stuff he likes. He has asked me to try new things which I have mostly obliged. He was twisting my words and saying that some of the things we tried were my idea - but they weren't, or they were needed to do what HE wants (e.g. me saying we need toys so we can try his ideas out).
He has an obsession with me being right and will always shut down any debate with 'oh yes I remember - you are right. I am wrong'. This makes it impossible as it means he can just shut down any conversation. His 'nickname' for me is Paxman, he says I am like him (argumentative). I really don't think I am like Jeremy Paxman at all!
This is my first relationship since getting divorced; my exH was very abusive but was the one who ended our marriage; when I tried to explain this to my BF and said I don't know why exH was so horrible to me, he said I should try and see my exH's point of view!! I'd held off criticism of my ex but it got to a point where I needed to explain as exH and I share DC and they don't like going to see their dad.
Yesterday he said "are you starting to see why your ex left?" which really hurt my feelings as exH was so awful to me and it's taken many years of therapy to get to a better place - boyfriend is making me feel like I've regressed a lot, mentally.
Boyfriend also told me that I get distracted easily and it really annoys him (I have adhd). That if I say I'll do something e.g. watch TV, agree to have sex, etc. I will always get a drink or go for a wee or something first and then start talking about other stuff. I said I really can't help this and then he was like "sorry. I forgot you are always right 🫩"
Being scolded and basically confessing how awful I am as a person was really triggering.
I just don't know what I can do; he has made me feel like I am a really horrible person when I know that actually, I'm not. I'm not perfect but it's like he thinks I am this awful, selfish, argumentative individual. He is constantly threatening to end things, says he will move away, etc. and this has been a recurring theme throughout the time we have been together, so I am always wary of being too affectionate as I know he can pull the rug at any moment.
He said I am not grabby enough with him, so he doesn't feel wanted - I'm not particularly demonstrative but I've explained this. I spend as much time with him as I can. I try and do nice things for him. But it is hard to be grabby etc. as I think every time I see him will be the last time, as he keeps breaking things off.
Last weekend he said "I love you" for the first time, and I thought we had turned a corner. But now it is back to threats to end things, etc.
I do not know how to proceed at this point? I feel awful today.