BF making me feel like i am a bad person

[Ninjagoooo]

I don't know what to do in this situation. Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.

I stayed over at BF house as I had a half day the following day. Meant to get up early and go home but ended up sleeping in and waking up at midday in a blind panic. BF had tried to wake me but couldn't (I do sleep like the dead so I believe this). He had got me pastries for breakfast even though I don't eat breakfast and seemed annoyed that I didn't eat them all. He was really cold when I left his.

He sent me a text later saying I was really selfish; he was upset as he had had problems yesterday too and I'd ignored those (my work is extremely intense, I barely have time to make a cup of tea let alone talk about problems, he knows this about my work). He was annoyed I didn't do the washing up before I left but he is in a houseshare and he's always seemed to not want me to go into the shared areas so I've not done this, he has always wanted me to stay in his room.

He said I was really selfish and we were on the phone between 11 and 3am; I was saying I'm sorry I'm selfish and he was like "do you know WHY I am saying you're selfish?" And "You still don't know" until I was able to explain how awful I'd been (in his eyes - I don't think I'd done anything wrong). It was horrible.

He then told me I am selfish in the bedroom too. I was really surprised by this as I have always tried to do stuff he likes. He has asked me to try new things which I have mostly obliged. He was twisting my words and saying that some of the things we tried were my idea - but they weren't, or they were needed to do what HE wants (e.g. me saying we need toys so we can try his ideas out).

He has an obsession with me being right and will always shut down any debate with 'oh yes I remember - you are right. I am wrong'. This makes it impossible as it means he can just shut down any conversation. His 'nickname' for me is Paxman, he says I am like him (argumentative). I really don't think I am like Jeremy Paxman at all!

This is my first relationship since getting divorced; my exH was very abusive but was the one who ended our marriage; when I tried to explain this to my BF and said I don't know why exH was so horrible to me, he said I should try and see my exH's point of view!! I'd held off criticism of my ex but it got to a point where I needed to explain as exH and I share DC and they don't like going to see their dad.

Yesterday he said "are you starting to see why your ex left?" which really hurt my feelings as exH was so awful to me and it's taken many years of therapy to get to a better place - boyfriend is making me feel like I've regressed a lot, mentally.

Boyfriend also told me that I get distracted easily and it really annoys him (I have adhd). That if I say I'll do something e.g. watch TV, agree to have sex, etc. I will always get a drink or go for a wee or something first and then start talking about other stuff. I said I really can't help this and then he was like "sorry. I forgot you are always right 🫩"

Being scolded and basically confessing how awful I am as a person was really triggering.

I just don't know what I can do; he has made me feel like I am a really horrible person when I know that actually, I'm not. I'm not perfect but it's like he thinks I am this awful, selfish, argumentative individual. He is constantly threatening to end things, says he will move away, etc. and this has been a recurring theme throughout the time we have been together, so I am always wary of being too affectionate as I know he can pull the rug at any moment.

He said I am not grabby enough with him, so he doesn't feel wanted - I'm not particularly demonstrative but I've explained this. I spend as much time with him as I can. I try and do nice things for him. But it is hard to be grabby etc. as I think every time I see him will be the last time, as he keeps breaking things off.

Last weekend he said "I love you" for the first time, and I thought we had turned a corner. But now it is back to threats to end things, etc.

I do not know how to proceed at this point? I feel awful today.

OP the more you share, the worse it gets.

You can get out of this with a simple text - I don't want to see you anymore, no need to reply. Then block.

Promise me something, the next time a potential partner says ANYTHING that makes you feel like this, anything designed to make you feel shitty or small or not good enough, you end it with exactly the same text.

Being single can be crap - I know it is. BUT to find someone worthwhile, worthy of your time, energy and money, you need to know your worth first. Being lonely is shit too, but being with this shit head is not better than being lonely is it?

Ahh hell no. He’s a knob - time for the BIN.

No, I'm not going to stay with him. Think PP was right in that I am seeking validating because my mind is half way made up anyway. I just feel very sad thinking that the person I will miss was not ever really a real person in the first place 😢 it's a horrible thought

Sadly OP that’s how these shit men operate. They have a nice persona to reel you in and then the mask starts to slip.

The boiled frog analogy is accurate. The control and abuse stats slowly so by the time you see the red flags, you’re in deeply and you’re head is all over the place

He is absolutely awful and needs to be dumped immediately, but I would also be annoyed if you slept in until midday unless you were terribly unwell or had returned from a long haul flight in the early hours.

If you know you sleep like the dead you should be responsible when staying round someone’s house that you have a vibrating alarm or something that will make you wake up.

Honestly, these men really do follow a script. What he's done isn't uncommon, OP. Saying he wants to have a threesome then saying you're the one who really wanted it. Encouraging you to confide in him about your past relationship and then saying it was all your fault. Loving having a lot of sex at the start then telling you you're a nymphomaniac. Criticising you and then saying he wants to marry you. It's all textbook stuff.

He will hate the fact you've had a worse time with your ex than he has. He'll hate the fact you have your own home and don't depend on him - but then he'd hate it if you didn't.

Don't see him again. Let this be the time it all stops.

I just feel very sad thinking that the person I will miss was not ever really a real person in the first place 😢 it's a horrible thought

These were my exact final feelings about my ex also 😔.
I met him aged 48 in a natural way no OLD as I’m still traumatised from my 30s with it and will never do it again. We had great chemistry he was 50 and also looked younger, very handsome and charming and I just was head over heels. Constantly got complimented and what I loved the most was on a night out I could see single women sometimes trying to get his attention and he never ever entertained it. He’d be embarrassed by any attention other than from me. I thought he was the one.

With time, signs of control, paranoia including spying on me and going into a sulk whenever I had to go overnight for work, calling me selfish because I would just truthfully tell him wh I’d met what we’d done - all innocent which thought he’d find interesting but because it involved male colleagues he was actually livid! I accommodated his needs so much just so petrified at being alone as when we went out amd on weekends away it was so much fun and I couldn’t believe how happy I was - but the red flags became more frequent and he’d accuse of me of not wanting him enough and it all just got silly in the end and with a very heavy heart I had to end it. I knew from his all or nothing personality he wouldn’t try to fight for me even though he constantly told me since his divorce with his childhood sweetheart of 26 years I was the only one that really captured his heart. He was very all consuming like that. Anyway when I told him how things just weren’t going well etc over text as he was in a silent strop at the time he implied we were done so I said okay I think you’re correct for x, y reasons and told him I’d really enjoyed our time together and just wanted nothing but happiness for him - and he never replied back! I was very hurts as we were together 2 years. The fact he could just turn off undying love to zero like that was pretty devastating and then I realised just like you ‘I’d never had the man I thought I had’.

It took all my willpower to not reach out to him, I missed his hugs and cuddles and just holding his hand as we set off on our regular weekend trips away. I have no friends or family and mainly wfh so my world has shrunk again. But I know it was best as the alternative was to spend a lifetime with someone I truly believe has some sort of mental health issues as the way he saw me was absolutely not who I was and in the end he would have cracked my mental health and I couldn’t risk that.

He almost certainly hasn't been "quietly seething". He's just acting like that to try to make you feel guilty.

I dont think theres any quiet seething either - these types look for any excuse

I'm really sorry about what happened to you 😪 xx

Your ex sounds absolutely awful. That is so cruel, just not replying like that xx

Must admit I hadn't thought of this and took him at his word re. seething but yeah maybe he was just looking for some kind of an excuse to criticise me for 🫠☹️

To be honest OP, I wouldn’t waste energy explaining in detail to him why you’re ending it. I would just message and say it’s not working out and wish him the best and then block him.

If he has stuff at yours or vice versa, I’d deliberate if you can let it go and then just post his stuff back to him (recorded!).

Just tell him to go to hell.
You don't need this crap.

I think people go on about counselling and therapy a lot on MN. I mean who can afford all that malarkey and nhs waiting times are abysmal but I really think either one would absolutely benefit you. Please don't allow yourself to be treated like this nor in the future, your children. He is vile, truly awful and you need to see this. Your perspective needs to change. You are worth so much more. He reeled you in by being nice and is dangling the carrot of marriage in front of your lonely soul. He is a monster.

I am going to see if I can get some counselling, I think you can get six sessions on the NHS where I live. I am not sure about psychotherapy, I think you have to go private for that and I can't afford it ☹️ but I do think it'd be really useful just to examine why I am drawn to men like this.

You're right about him dangling a carrot - it's not so much the idea of marriage (as this seems very cock-lodgerish) it's more the fact that it is someone / something to occupy my time whilst DC are not around.
But I have had a look at what is on locally and there are a few meet-up groups which might be worth looking into. The idea of going is terrifying to me but at the same time I really know now that this guy is bad news and it will all end in tears (for me not him) at some point.
I obviously haven't said to him how lonely I am but he must have picked up on it, and the desperation that comes with being lonely 🫤

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Have a look at this OP. It’s a very cost effective and proven course to improve your self esteem, create better boundaries and recognise red flags.

I'm so glad you're going to bin off this loser OP, you deserve so much better.

Definitely agree that taking some time out of dating would be helpful, to really consider why you would ever think dating this total bellend is better than being single. It's far better to be single than be with someone who makes you feel like shit - your worth is not dependent on your relationship status!

Does your job have an Employee Assistance Programme? EAP?

A lot of companies do this and you can get free counselling through this.

Also there are free AI therapy apps.

^ This. With a million bells on.

Well done, OP for realising that it is better to be alone than with a gaslighting loser. Your work is full on, you have kids so when they are not with you can you use that time to decompress and reframe it from "lonely and desperate". Definitely look for hobbies and friends both of which will give you far more back than some 45 year old arsehole in a houseshare.

"I obviously haven't said to him how lonely I am but he must have picked up on it, and the desperation that comes with being lonely"

You are so worried about feeling lonely that you aren't seeing the desperation that's coming from being in this relationship. Your mental health is suffering. Earlier on you said that he could be nice if he wanted to be.

Please don't stay in a relationship with a man whose default setting is 'Nasty but can be nice when he wants to manipulate you'. Believe it or not, there are men out there whose default setting is 'Nice pretty much all of the time'.

It is also a huge relief being by yourself and not having to carry the desperation of wondering if there could be a chance that he might not be a bastard today.

Here you are in another abusive relationship. It will only get worse. Learn to be on your own. A partner should improve your life and be your safe space, not be a source of suffering.

Oh my God thank you SO much for suggesting this, yes my work does have that!!! Would not have occurred to me in a million years to utilise it for a break up like this one. Thank you x

Like chat gpt or are there others?
Thank you x