BF making me feel like i am a bad person

[Ninjagoooo]

I don't know what to do in this situation. Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.

I stayed over at BF house as I had a half day the following day. Meant to get up early and go home but ended up sleeping in and waking up at midday in a blind panic. BF had tried to wake me but couldn't (I do sleep like the dead so I believe this). He had got me pastries for breakfast even though I don't eat breakfast and seemed annoyed that I didn't eat them all. He was really cold when I left his.

He sent me a text later saying I was really selfish; he was upset as he had had problems yesterday too and I'd ignored those (my work is extremely intense, I barely have time to make a cup of tea let alone talk about problems, he knows this about my work). He was annoyed I didn't do the washing up before I left but he is in a houseshare and he's always seemed to not want me to go into the shared areas so I've not done this, he has always wanted me to stay in his room.

He said I was really selfish and we were on the phone between 11 and 3am; I was saying I'm sorry I'm selfish and he was like "do you know WHY I am saying you're selfish?" And "You still don't know" until I was able to explain how awful I'd been (in his eyes - I don't think I'd done anything wrong). It was horrible.

He then told me I am selfish in the bedroom too. I was really surprised by this as I have always tried to do stuff he likes. He has asked me to try new things which I have mostly obliged. He was twisting my words and saying that some of the things we tried were my idea - but they weren't, or they were needed to do what HE wants (e.g. me saying we need toys so we can try his ideas out).

He has an obsession with me being right and will always shut down any debate with 'oh yes I remember - you are right. I am wrong'. This makes it impossible as it means he can just shut down any conversation. His 'nickname' for me is Paxman, he says I am like him (argumentative). I really don't think I am like Jeremy Paxman at all!

This is my first relationship since getting divorced; my exH was very abusive but was the one who ended our marriage; when I tried to explain this to my BF and said I don't know why exH was so horrible to me, he said I should try and see my exH's point of view!! I'd held off criticism of my ex but it got to a point where I needed to explain as exH and I share DC and they don't like going to see their dad.

Yesterday he said "are you starting to see why your ex left?" which really hurt my feelings as exH was so awful to me and it's taken many years of therapy to get to a better place - boyfriend is making me feel like I've regressed a lot, mentally.

Boyfriend also told me that I get distracted easily and it really annoys him (I have adhd). That if I say I'll do something e.g. watch TV, agree to have sex, etc. I will always get a drink or go for a wee or something first and then start talking about other stuff. I said I really can't help this and then he was like "sorry. I forgot you are always right 🫩"

Being scolded and basically confessing how awful I am as a person was really triggering.

I just don't know what I can do; he has made me feel like I am a really horrible person when I know that actually, I'm not. I'm not perfect but it's like he thinks I am this awful, selfish, argumentative individual. He is constantly threatening to end things, says he will move away, etc. and this has been a recurring theme throughout the time we have been together, so I am always wary of being too affectionate as I know he can pull the rug at any moment.

He said I am not grabby enough with him, so he doesn't feel wanted - I'm not particularly demonstrative but I've explained this. I spend as much time with him as I can. I try and do nice things for him. But it is hard to be grabby etc. as I think every time I see him will be the last time, as he keeps breaking things off.

Last weekend he said "I love you" for the first time, and I thought we had turned a corner. But now it is back to threats to end things, etc.

I do not know how to proceed at this point? I feel awful today.

It does very much feel like projection, especially the bit about me being the nymphomaniac as he is the one who i would say has a high sex drive. It was honestly just baffling to hear him complaining that it was me that was using him for sex. It simply is not true.

I think also that he is very jealous of the time I spent with DC; he has become a bit sulky when I have had to go home to see them. He has given lip-service to the fact that he thinks I am a great mother but then he is a bit withdrawn when I need to go and care for them

lol the usual script, i could have already told you he would use that line
they always say they are skint from a divorce
as if they had any money to take in the first place - these guys honestly think they are elon musk

take my advice - he thinks he has you right where he wants you, text him to dump him then block and delete.

get enrolled in the freedom programme, have a think if any unhealthy behaviours from your mum or dad could have made you think this was normal and try and undo it. The reality is there are alot of bastards around, so many people will say you have a ‘bad picker’ if its been a couple of guys, when in reality its just that alot of these bastards tend to end up single and you can easily bump into them - they dont show their true colours until you are engaged, married, pregnant or buy a house with them. Trick is to pick up the red flags earlier and earlier. I remember posting on mumsnet years ago about a guy i had dated for six weeks and ended up breaking up with, everyone said i had a lucky escape but as it was my first time excercising boundaries as strong it felt very unsettling.

This 45 year old living in a house share short term boyfriend resents the time you spend with your children.

He resents your kids.

Please let that sink in if you're okay with how awfully he treats you so you can have companionship. Never move this asshole in. Never marry him.

Choose your children over an abusive dick.

I think what you are going through now is the sinking reality of how shit he is, and just talking it out to validate your expierences. Seeking others opinions as you already know the direction it is going is unusually a sign its already going down the pan!

i know what you are saying about being single and it being shit - i felt like this at numerous times in my life and ended up with shit guys - I just wasted my time with them tbh. I ended up getting therapy in my 30s in all came from my mum. Anyway i then accepted i would be single forever so was single for about four years - read loads about the patriachy (why some woman can sometimes feel incomplete without a relarionship), dramatically changed my relationships with family and friends (ie i learned that my friendships were as toxic as my relationships), read loads and i mean loads about toxic relationships - i used to listen to a podcast every night called ‘the game’ by yaz - she talks about excatly how you are feeling. I started to learn i had been pre programmed by my mother to sadly accept the shocking behaviour from both men and woman, and also in the workplace.

once i spent around four years doing this, and its still a work in progress i met a very different type of man, and I am not married and ttc ( nearly 40!) - i have 0 tolerance for shit friends and people ! I am essentially no contact with my mother. I am still a huge work in progress and i now recognise the childhood that led to my patterns.

You do get this guy is a hobosexual looking for a place to live but he's not even bothering to turn on the charm?

Screaming 🤣🤣🤣🤣 hes a cocklodger without charm and hoping his negging will lower your self esteem even further to secure the deal

Thank you for your message xx

I think what you are going through now is the sinking reality of how shit he is, and just talking it out to validate your expierences. Seeking others opinions as you already know the direction it is going is unusually a sign its already going down the pan!
Yes 100% this; it is quite depressing thinking about being single again but if I add up all the days I have known him where I have been worried about not knowing what will happen, what he will do or say to make me feel awful, or am in a blind panic that he's about to split up with me, the amount of time I have actually felt secure and happy is a tiny fraction of all the months as there is usually some sort of drama happening.

Its shit but honestly it will end anyway - and you will be single with a huge amount of trauma to unpack (and expensive therapy bills) 🤣

how did you meet him?

Yes it is very unsettling for me to be the one ending it - exH ended our marriage even though he was the abuser. I am still in shock that this guy was taking exH's side. Could not have been more hurtful, that was one of the worst things anyone has ever said to me 🥲

You aren’t a red flag, he’s saying that to you as part of his emotional abuse. This sounds awful and you need to get rid once and for all. Find some new single friends who are about on weekends

Just on Bumble. Have found it hard to meet men irl at this age.

He seemed like one of the better matches, I met some really awful chaps on there who would send dick pics, would want to start messaging really sexual stuff very early on, had fetishes they wanted to see if I was into, etc. Whereas this guy seemed relatively normal until we had been on a few dates and slept together.

I’m 54 and found out I had ADHD 3 years ago. I’m now officially diagnosed.

I, too, was in an abusive marriage but didn’t even realise it during the 12 years were together. It was only after I left that it slowly dawned on me. I just thought we weren’t compatible, but I realised I was so miserable because of his jealousy and bullying behaviour. He’d shame me for being forgetful and easily distracted but I just thought it was one of my quirks. And it’s only been very recently, 20 years after the event, that I realised he had raped me.

I was lonely for a couple of years, especially when my children were with my ex. Life is so much different now, I’m glad to say, as I’m remarried to a lovely man. I’d still rather be alone and lonely than be with a man who made me feel like I was the problem.

It's so horrible to have my behaviour described as red flags after having unpicking my marriage and seeing what really were red flags from my exH 🥴 but I guess it is that is his appropriating of survivor language. Ironically it was a red flag in of itself for him to say that to me as it just was so jarring to read.

I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you xxx
I am glad you have now found a nice DH 🥰

I REALLY feel like I was being shamed for being forgetful and distracted. And like he was saying I wasn't trying hard enough or making enough effort and also just how angry he was on the phone, I had no idea that I am so irritating to him. Horrible to think he has been quietly seething all this time when I was being distracted. I had no idea, he had given me no indication of this.

Could have predicted it was tinder or bumble
holding pen for creeps
i met my husband three years ago at parkrun !!!!!!!

What sort of age are you Op if you do not mind me asking?

https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-game-exposed-narcissist-narcissistic-abuse/id1472456658 - I listened to this every night for about 2 years 🤣 it really did undo some of my ways of thinking m. Good luck OP

Thank you so much for the recommendation - will give it a listen x

I am 42 and he is 45 next month so not a huge disparity although he seems way younger than his age (not including his behaviour just in general demeanor kind of thing)

I have not found anyone decent on the apps, it is fair to say.

Its a hard age to be single - BUT by staying with this guy you are essentially taking away your chances to meet someone decent. I remember breaking off with so many guys from OLD for horrendous behaviour (similar to this) and i am forever thankful I did as it meant i was 100% single when i met a good one!

listen to what this podcast woman says about the apps 🤣 she drummed it into me that there was really no way I would meet anyone and it was just a waste of time so I took my attention else where. Of my friends who met and married someone off the apps they have gotten divorced (but probably they could have met outwith the apps and got divorced who knows)

i have two friends who met guys similar to the one you are dating now - both met online and both gave the stories they were skint and staying with their parents in their 40s after an expensive divorce 🙄🙄🙄 one got his divorce paperwork through and the same month asked my friend to marry him - hes a massive creep. She knows i think this but she wanted a baby and was nearly 40 so she just went with it and now they have a very strained relationship. I dont see how he could have been truely traumatised by his ex wife and wanted to get married again so quickly - but i suppose my friend does earn over 150k per year so 🤣🤣🤣

After all you have been through why not take a break from dating anyone?
You have been through a lot already.
Honestly, it’s not like you have zero life of your own. You are just 42, I know that may feel old to you. I am a fair bit older….
After a lot of messiness in my own life I took a break from it all. Got introduced to my now partner at 47, through a friend.
There is a whole world out there waiting for you.

I think I will definitely be taking a break from dating after this, as it's just been so horrible!

Another thing which he did which was really gaslight-ey was to suggest that we have a threesome and since then he has been saying that he thinks I am bisexual. I am 100% sure that I am not bisexual but he is "convinced" that I am. He's made horrible jokes about having a threesome with my best friend even though I have said it would feel like incest.

Ninja he’s not making jokes he’s testing the water. Either that or he’s mentally torturing you.
He sounds like a teenager.
Are you going to stay with him?