BF making me feel like i am a bad person

[Ninjagoooo]

I don't know what to do in this situation. Sorry for the long post, I don't want to drip-feed.

I stayed over at BF house as I had a half day the following day. Meant to get up early and go home but ended up sleeping in and waking up at midday in a blind panic. BF had tried to wake me but couldn't (I do sleep like the dead so I believe this). He had got me pastries for breakfast even though I don't eat breakfast and seemed annoyed that I didn't eat them all. He was really cold when I left his.

He sent me a text later saying I was really selfish; he was upset as he had had problems yesterday too and I'd ignored those (my work is extremely intense, I barely have time to make a cup of tea let alone talk about problems, he knows this about my work). He was annoyed I didn't do the washing up before I left but he is in a houseshare and he's always seemed to not want me to go into the shared areas so I've not done this, he has always wanted me to stay in his room.

He said I was really selfish and we were on the phone between 11 and 3am; I was saying I'm sorry I'm selfish and he was like "do you know WHY I am saying you're selfish?" And "You still don't know" until I was able to explain how awful I'd been (in his eyes - I don't think I'd done anything wrong). It was horrible.

He then told me I am selfish in the bedroom too. I was really surprised by this as I have always tried to do stuff he likes. He has asked me to try new things which I have mostly obliged. He was twisting my words and saying that some of the things we tried were my idea - but they weren't, or they were needed to do what HE wants (e.g. me saying we need toys so we can try his ideas out).

He has an obsession with me being right and will always shut down any debate with 'oh yes I remember - you are right. I am wrong'. This makes it impossible as it means he can just shut down any conversation. His 'nickname' for me is Paxman, he says I am like him (argumentative). I really don't think I am like Jeremy Paxman at all!

This is my first relationship since getting divorced; my exH was very abusive but was the one who ended our marriage; when I tried to explain this to my BF and said I don't know why exH was so horrible to me, he said I should try and see my exH's point of view!! I'd held off criticism of my ex but it got to a point where I needed to explain as exH and I share DC and they don't like going to see their dad.

Yesterday he said "are you starting to see why your ex left?" which really hurt my feelings as exH was so awful to me and it's taken many years of therapy to get to a better place - boyfriend is making me feel like I've regressed a lot, mentally.

Boyfriend also told me that I get distracted easily and it really annoys him (I have adhd). That if I say I'll do something e.g. watch TV, agree to have sex, etc. I will always get a drink or go for a wee or something first and then start talking about other stuff. I said I really can't help this and then he was like "sorry. I forgot you are always right 🫩"

Being scolded and basically confessing how awful I am as a person was really triggering.

I just don't know what I can do; he has made me feel like I am a really horrible person when I know that actually, I'm not. I'm not perfect but it's like he thinks I am this awful, selfish, argumentative individual. He is constantly threatening to end things, says he will move away, etc. and this has been a recurring theme throughout the time we have been together, so I am always wary of being too affectionate as I know he can pull the rug at any moment.

He said I am not grabby enough with him, so he doesn't feel wanted - I'm not particularly demonstrative but I've explained this. I spend as much time with him as I can. I try and do nice things for him. But it is hard to be grabby etc. as I think every time I see him will be the last time, as he keeps breaking things off.

Last weekend he said "I love you" for the first time, and I thought we had turned a corner. But now it is back to threats to end things, etc.

I do not know how to proceed at this point? I feel awful today.

Yes true

It is weird if I think about it, the waking up and wondering if it will be a good day or a bad day (threats to end it, leaving me on read, tell me to call him then when I do he is asleep etc.)

There's a few free therapy ai chats available, do web search to see what suits you.

I used one last year but I don't remember the name.

Thank you, I had no idea such things existed!
I will have a look now x

Try to work on your feelings of confidence and self worth before choosing another permanent relationship after your divorce. You are choosing narcissists by the sounds of it. However leaving your washing up in his shared house is rude and selfish and will get him annoying the housemates who will ask him to keep his girlfriend under control. Not thanking for pastries was pretty rude too to my mind it was a nice gesture as he thought you would be hungry if sleeping late.

I didn't leave the washing up in the sink or anything it was literally just a cup and a small plate in his room.

I did thank him for the pastries, multiple times, and said it was really kind of him however I can't eat first thing when I have woken up, I never can eat breakfast. And he knew this as I have stayed over at his many times and I always just have a cup of tea or coffee then maybe a snack after or a few hours, or just go straight to lunch. It was like he wanted to be annoyed about something so he got me breakfast and then stood over me watching me eat a croissant which I hadn't asked for. It was horrible.

He knows OP doesn’t eat breakfast. It wasn’t a nice gesture - it was a trap.

I do 100% feel like it was a trap - it was like so he could say "see how ungrateful you are?". He was literally standing over me watching me eat when I wasn't hungry. It was horrible.

OP have you actually ended things with him?

I have! 😁

And it's largely in part due to the amazing women on here who replied to my posts, gave my head a wobble, and made me see what was actually happening.

I can't thank you all enough.

Ending things was horrendous; he got really nasty, called me names and then was calling me multiple times and wanting to reconcile - I think he thought I was desperate as he didn't say anything about changing his behaviour, quite the opposite it was more like "I love you" as if just that on its own was reason to be together. And it took a lot of willpower to not get back together - I must have read through this thread a million times, it really helped. I am still feeling really fragile as he had totally ruined my self-esteem during the time we were together. Still panick and worry if I do anything "selfish" as he had made me feel like I was a horrible and bad person. Rationally I know that I'm not. But he seemed so sure that I was. So every little decision now I'm thinking 'is this something a bad person would do?'. And I think although we weren't together for very long it will take a long time to recover from him and his chaos.

Anyway, thanks everyone x

He is trying to train you like a circus puppy, next one will be "if you jump I give you a treat" Leave him. Be happy and ditch this master to master his own life.
I read your update. Good riddance.

Thanks - yes - all the posters saying how he was trying to train me, and next time it'd be worse, was really chilling to read in all honesty.
I did care for him a great deal and still miss him, or miss who I thought he was. He could be really nice and sweet.

But ultimately I think he is not a nice person at all and I think if I'd stayed with him he'd have just gotten worse, not better 😵

I’m so happy you left this relationship! Truly rooting for you. Onwards and upwards! We don’t need crap like this in our lives! No one should ever make us feel awful like your ex partner has done.

Thank you xxx

I am really missing him but when I think of how upset he made me, I am still kind of horrified - making me kind of repent and say what a horrible person I am. I think his long-term goal would've been to make me lose what little confidence I have so that i'd be kind of dependent on him and then he could just treat me worse and worse

Thank you xxx

I am really missing him but when I think of how upset he made me, I am still kind of horrified - making me kind of repent and say what a horrible person I am. I think his long-term goal would've been to make me lose what little confidence I have so that i'd be kind of dependent on him and then he could just treat me worse and worse

He's an abusive, manipulative bully. Throw him back asap

You don’t really miss him, you miss the companionship and the fantasy of who you wanted him to be.

This will pass. If you’re ever tempted to go back please reread this thread and remember what a prick the real him is.

Onwards and upwards

Just caught up. Wishing you much happiness OP. You will be ok! ☺️

No way would I put up with this awful behaviour. It's very abusive and controlling. That would be the end for me.

Glad you have found the strength to leave this relationship. He's a truly awful person. I'm sure he will try contacting you, to persuade you to get back together. Please don't listen to him. Personally, I would block him on all platforms. You have no reason to keep in contact, no ties and the relationship was very short. Seek some therapy, as others have suggested.

Yes totally do miss the companionship, just stupid stuff like having someone to watch Netflix with... It is quite lonely when DC are asleep or worse when they are with my ex for the weekend as time just stretches out horribly.
Am trying to find meet-up groups and see friends but obviously friends are busy doing their own thing a lot of the time.

This is abuse. He will turn you into a shell of yourself. The price of him leaving is he will try to keep you by telling you that if you leave the relationship you are accepting that yes you are every bit as awful as he says. Yada yada. I bet he said the last thing to his last girlfriend. Let him go and congratulate him on his lucky escape. It’s the only way to spike his guns.

Repeat after me: you are lonelier in a bad relationship than you are on your own

Well done for dumping this sorry excuse for a man.

They have such a hollow personality that the only way they can feel better about themselves is by breaking down the women in their lives so congratulations on sliding out from under his control. He will be kicking himself for overplaying his hand and he will have to hone his skills for the next one.

The Freedom Program will open your eyes. You are a loving and kind person but you have to be cautious as to who you allow yourself to love.

The bliss of being free of shitty blokes should be relished, cherished, protected. Peace is precious.
The happiest section of society are childfree, single women.

Only ever consider allowing a man to date you if he proves he is intelligent, feminist, massively enhances your life in multiple ways, and makes everything easier and fun.
That is the entire point of a relationship. If it fails to do all of those things, immediately end it.

Agreed - I already feel like a shell of my former self because it was so exhausting being with him. Constantly worrying about what his next move would be. Constantly listening to tales about his exes. Not outright saying they were better than me but making it very clear that they were, by the anecdotes he told me.

Bizarrely he had one very long relationship before me and I do find myself feeling jealous of her - why was he nice to her and not me? He might have been awful of course, they were together for 5 years I think but then they did stay friends for many years although have now drifted. He told me she was his best friend after they split up. They only stopped speaking when she got a new boyfriend and moved to Hungary.

This is great advice.

Not had much luck at all with dating post-divorce so don't expect to meet anyone... but I think I will be happier now than I was with him. At least certainly not stressed all the time.

It will take some time to rebuild my confidence and remind myself I am not a horrible selfish person as he had be believe 😔 he was so angry with me for being "selfish". It was awful.