Slapped partner he hit me back

[SySy7]

Last year myself and partner bought a house together and were staying at his mums for several months whilst we did it up. We also have 2 small boys and were all staying in one room - it wasn’t an ideal environment and quite stressful. One evening I went back to MILs (she was away for the week) after spending around 14 hrs at our new house sanding and painting. I was covered from head to toe and desperate for a shower. I got in and started washing hair when the pressure dropped to nothing because he decided to start washing up (he knew this happens) so I called down for him to turn it off as was covered in soap. He ignored me and it went on for so long that I ended up going down in my towel. I was pretty annoyed and angrily said turn it off I’m showering and he refused and told me to sit on the sofa until he was finished and then I could get back in. I was shocked by how unreasonable he was being and also triggered a few things in me from childhood. I went over to turn the tap off myself and he kept blocking me and my reaction was to slap him. I am not justifying this action. He then went on to slap me back and push me so hard that I fell backwards into the wall and really hurt my back whilst also being completely naked and humiliated. I was devastated and although he apologised said I should have never of hit him. I asked him for couples therapy which he refused and said he wanted to work it out ourselves. This was over a year ago now and although I’ve tried to move on from it it’s unresolved and we can’t even bring it up without disagreeing. We had a minor disagreement recently and out of the blue he called me a fat ugly slag - it was completely uncalled for and in front of our children. It’s again been enough to trigger me that I can’t move on from it. I’ve decided to go back to therapy - I used to go before I met him. We’ve been together 7 years and they’re both isolated incidents. Am I just as much to blame for what’s happened or am I potentially with a bully? I moved to his town to be with him so don’t have any real friends or family here and both boys in school.

If you choose to physically assault your partner you can't complain when he defends himself.
You need to leave this relationship asap and get some therapy for your issues and I would suggest that you go on an anger management course and/or a domestic abusers course.
Oh your childhood is no excuse for perpetuating domestic violence

YABU for hitting him
He's BU for calling you names.

Leave each other and be happier.

Honestly it sounds like this relationship is over. You did hit him first, but he also sounds like a total horror.

There is no place for violence within a healthy relationship and, from your OP, you know that. Neither of you is in the right here, you shouldn't have hit him and he shouldn't have hit you back. From the sounds of it, you have quite a toxic dynamic - is this relationship working and is it beneficial to you or not?

You both sound horrific.

He was unreasonable and started this whole thing.

If you hit someone, you should fully expect to be hit back- male or female, partner or not.

You’re both creating a terrible environment for your children to grow up in, leave.

Was he a dick with the shower? Yes. But you initiated violence and that overshadows it.

It sounds like all respect has gone in this relationship so just call time and walk away before violence escalates and you become people you don't like in the mirror.

Sounds very stressful all round. Renovation to the point you need to move out, living with family, 2 young children. Enough to cause many to argue.

Only you know the full story, or the story that your partner would tell as there does sound like there is 2 sides to this story (not condoning violence by either party).

If the relationship is worth saving, suggest counselling. If it's not, don't bother. If you do suggest counselling again, and he says no, then that is also your answer.

It's not therapy you need it's to for you both to walk away from the relationship. Do you actually like each other? He uses Vile words and you hit him and he hits you back. Do you want your children to think its OK for adults to slap each other about? Absolutely irrelevant to how long you've been together, do you think 7 years makes it OK?

The physical violence was unjustifiable on both counts, neither of you should have done it.

separately, he sounds like a bully and a dickhead. Fundamentally a nice person would have immediately stopped the washing up so you could finish your shower. A nice person would never call you a fat ugly slag. These are not the actions of a good person.

Agree you are both in the wrong and it depends if you want to fix it or not.
You shouldn't have hit him but it does seem petty he wouldn't turn the taps off.
Counselling is a good idea.

You hit him first. You can't hit someone then complain when they hit you back. He was being a knob over the shower but you chose to make the disagreement violent.

So he deserved to be hit?

He was being a dick not turning the tap off, you were wrong to hit him. Sounds very toxic with a lot of resentment on both sides. He won’t go to counselling, do you see this getting any better?

Well he deliberately made her physically uncomfortable as she was unable to wash off soap from her hair/face. He then physically blocked her from turning the taps off.

She shouldn’t have hit him but a man hitting a woman is far worse than a woman hitting a man - the difference in physical strength does matter.

You know you shouldn’t have slapped him. He knows he should not have slapped back. If that were the only one moment of violence in an otherwise solid relationship, it would possibly be worth working through. But it wasn’t. He was nasty and controlling about the shower, he thinks it’s ok to call you vile names and in front of the kids too. I really don’t think this relationship is worth trying to salvage.

You need to build your own life in this town that’s your children’s home, new friends, own home, split up and coparent. Therapy for you if you want but not couples, you need to leave him.

YABU.
If a man hits a woman back after she hits him first, it's not good, but you can't or shouldn't judge anyone who hits back as a reactive reaction as an "abuser". It's poke the bear in my book.

I think you've tried and you can't get past what happened last year, so YANBU to end the relationship and move back to your home town.

Yes, he was being a shit and shouldn't have hit back, but that still no excuse to have hit him first.

Generally a decent man will not hit a woman back because of the size/strength dynamic.

But then again a decent woman wouldn't physically assault her partner either, as they tend to be able to emotionally regulate and wouldn't stay with a man that behaved so unreasonably it sent them into a rage.

Why do you expect your piece of shit man that you have chosen to have more self control than you do?

He was horrible not to stop washing up when you were covered in soap from the shower. Then to block you from turning off the tap and turn it into a fight. None of that is normal in a loving relationship. I wonder if he even likes you?

You then slapped him which is a very nasty thing to do. I wonder if you even like him?

I think you should split. For the sake of your children.

Leave him.

You both sound almost as bad as each other.

You can’t call him a bully when you hit him first. You’re as bad as each other and need to leave.