Slapped partner he hit me back

[SySy7]

Last year myself and partner bought a house together and were staying at his mums for several months whilst we did it up. We also have 2 small boys and were all staying in one room - it wasn’t an ideal environment and quite stressful. One evening I went back to MILs (she was away for the week) after spending around 14 hrs at our new house sanding and painting. I was covered from head to toe and desperate for a shower. I got in and started washing hair when the pressure dropped to nothing because he decided to start washing up (he knew this happens) so I called down for him to turn it off as was covered in soap. He ignored me and it went on for so long that I ended up going down in my towel. I was pretty annoyed and angrily said turn it off I’m showering and he refused and told me to sit on the sofa until he was finished and then I could get back in. I was shocked by how unreasonable he was being and also triggered a few things in me from childhood. I went over to turn the tap off myself and he kept blocking me and my reaction was to slap him. I am not justifying this action. He then went on to slap me back and push me so hard that I fell backwards into the wall and really hurt my back whilst also being completely naked and humiliated. I was devastated and although he apologised said I should have never of hit him. I asked him for couples therapy which he refused and said he wanted to work it out ourselves. This was over a year ago now and although I’ve tried to move on from it it’s unresolved and we can’t even bring it up without disagreeing. We had a minor disagreement recently and out of the blue he called me a fat ugly slag - it was completely uncalled for and in front of our children. It’s again been enough to trigger me that I can’t move on from it. I’ve decided to go back to therapy - I used to go before I met him. We’ve been together 7 years and they’re both isolated incidents. Am I just as much to blame for what’s happened or am I potentially with a bully? I moved to his town to be with him so don’t have any real friends or family here and both boys in school.

My opinion:

Are you equally to blame? Yes, because you made it physical (and your childhood is no excuse.)

Was he right to hit you? No (and it wasn’t right for you to hit him either).

What to do next? Split up. Any relationship where the words ‘fat ugly slag’ (and I’m sure these aren’t the only insults used by either of you) are said in front of children sounds really toxic and damaging for them.

OP it’s abundantly clear to any outsiders that you’ve lost respect for each other (him more so than you I’d say given that he wouldn’t allow you to finish your shower before doing the dishes, and the name calling). If he won’t agree to work on your relationship what hope is there? I know it isn’t easy to leave, but to anyone with a brain cell it’s very clear that’s what needs to happen. I’ve been in a relationship that started with disrespectful actions and comments, and then descended into physical violence, that left me with a neck injury. Your relationship is very unlikely to improve.

You absolutely should not have hit him, but given that you did I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to hit back. In that moment, he’d just been hit and it’s a natural reaction to hit back. It’s all very well saying men should not hit women because they’re stronger, but that absolutely does not mean women can hit men without fear of retaliation, it’s not okay to hit anyone.

Other than that, he sounds like a real arsehole for not letting you finish your shower, who the hell does that? He also should never call you names. My DH and I can have some pretty heated arguments, but we’d never do this. It’s a LTB from me.

edited to fix typo

This is true. When my parents used to fight, it usually started with a kind of “scuffle”, now that I think back on this it was always my dad either trying to block my mum from doing something, holding something up high so she couldn’t get it, holding a door closed so she couldn’t open it or grabbing something from her for example. He was using physical advantage and intimidation right from the start.

Walk away.
While I’m not excusing you slapping him you had been working for 14 hrs, you were tired, dirty and he did a very manipulative nasty thing in running the tap when he KNEW you were in the shower. What did he think you would do? And more importantly WHY did he do it??
Yes, again, you shouldn’t have slapped him but you were at the end of your tether and holding a towel round you so I doubt it was much of a slap. He could easily have caught your wrist and told you never to lay hand on him again rather than reacting the way he did.
But fair play to you, you’ve tried to make it work but he hasn’t - so please, for your self worth and for your kids, leave this man.
Then go back to therapy and work on yourself.

He’s nasty. You overreacted.

I have 2 sons. If either of them, after knowing that his wife had spent 12 hours sanding and painting their new house, turned on the tap in the sink preventing his wife from rinsing the soap off her body and out of her hair and physically prevented her from turning the tap off I would be thoroughly ashamed of them. What he did was bullying. Why not just turn the tap off? Why deliberately make his wife uncomfortable after she had worked so hard to get their house nice? Why throw her agains the wall while she is naked and vulnerable?

I would be telling my son that although she shouldn’t have slapped him he pushed her to the limit and I am not surprised she snapped and I have no sympathy for him. I hope I am not raising nasty bullying men though. I hope my sons will be better men than the poor excuse that OP has for a partner.

You can’t slap your partner and not expect to get slapped back and cry about it. You both sound toxic for each other so perhaps you’d be better off without each other

Statistical probability.

Ignore the silly fuckers trying to blame you. They’re just nasty trolls and I suspect many of them are men who like to post on here to wind us up.

Oh love, you need to leave this toxic relationship for your own and your children’s mental welfare and safety.

No decent loving partner would deliberately cause you discomfort by turning on the cold tap when you’re naked in the shower. That alone is enough to tell us he’s a nasty bully.

Please don’t waste time trying to appease him with talk or therapy or other nonsense. He’s shown you who he is and he’s not going to suddenly change into a decent human.

Start getting things organised and leave. Post on the Relationships board for further support. Sometimes you have to leave and walk away for your own sanity. Houses can be sold but your children will always remember their mum being treated like shit if they continue to grow up in that sort of atmosphere.

You shouldn't have hit him, but mostly because he sounds like the kind of dickhead who would use it as a pretext to escalate, which he did. Women shouldn't hit men because it's a stupid thing to do: don't start the sorts of fight you can't win. Don't hit people as a rule anyway, of course, but from a self-preservation perspective do not hit men. Lots of them are just waiting for the excuse.

Also the fact that he slapped her and pushed her over so easily. I don't think OP's husband was ever scared for his safety from his wife wearing a towel.

A male family member of mine always threw things if he angry or punched walls/doors, and he charged at me once, but then went to 1 side at the last second, and then he says "why are you crying? You're being stupid! I haven't done anything to you!"

The threat was always there in the background even when we were getting on well. I span on my heels and ran out after he charged towards me. I never hit him because I fully believe he'd have killed me, but I would not have been the instigator in any way.

Hitting someone back isn't defending yourself.

I'm not condoning you hitting first, it shouldn't have gotten violent. But as others have said, he deliberately aggravated you with cutting off the shower and then physically blocked you. He was provoking a reaction. Your reaction was a bad one, but I think he got what he wanted, which was an excuse to escalate. He wasn't sorry, he doesn't want to fix it. He has further provoked you since.

Leave this relationship.

Hitting someone back isn't defending yourself.

Agree. Hitting back is done in anger, as revenge. He's a bloke, he could very easily have just held onto her arms if he thought she was going to hit him again.

That’s awful. Well done for getting out of there.

Thank you ❤️
It's been that way my whole childhood so its only typing it out and getting outsiders opinions I think "oh yeah that was really quite bad"

But you’re responding as if they were having a verbal row, and then OP walked over and slapped him. That’s not what happened. She - wrapped in a towel, naked and probably dripping water - went over to turn the taps off so she could finish her shower. And he physically blocked her from doing this. He made it physical. He used his bigger size to prevent her from doing the perfectly reasonable thing she was trying to do, and did it in a way that was humiliating. This is 100% on him.

im glad that you left that relationship
no man should ever lay a hand on a woman
my DW is a second Dan in Karate, I was a little bit annoying to her and I ended up on my back gasping for air
needless to say, she apologised profusely and so did I
never happened again

Excellent post and excellent mothering

Reactive abuse in my opinion. Everyone has a breaking point and I am very willing to bet that this hasn’t been one isolated incident of him being a dickhead. I might be massively off the mark here but I do wonder how often he shows an interest in washing up normally? Or is it just a big goading tactic to make a show of doing it- and being ‘helpful’- when his wife is daring to give herself 5 mins for basic self-care to make that as hard work as possible? One thing I will say OP- unless these are two completely isolated incidents in a very long and pleasant marriage- he doesn’t like you. I know that’s a horrible thing to realise but get rid so you can enjoy your own company in peace or find someone who will find you wonderful.

Thanks for everyone’s comments - good and bad. I didn’t realise there was other places to post on here. It’s interesting to see such an equal divide of opinions on the subject. Just to clarify some on some questions that have been raised. He is 6ft 3 and 16st. He lifts weights as a hobby so is considerably stronger. I’m 5’2 and around 12st for context. I don’t believe women have a right to hit men but completely agree that men are the far stronger sex and can do loads more damage. He says he didn’t intentionally do it because he didn’t know the pressure dropped - nor did he hear me. I found this hard to believe given that it was his childhood home. Part of me struggling to get over it and move on is because in that moment I did feel threatened. I grew up in a violent household with a very controlling stepfather and in the moment all I could see was someone trying to exert unreasonable power over me. Again I shouldn’t have done it but did feel provoked. This he will not accept. He washes the dishes by continually running the tap - not in a bowl and there was still a lot to get through when I went down hence my further disbelief that he expect me to sit down and wait. The dishes and bins are his main jobs and yes tension had been building for weeks over putting time into the house amongst other things. It was strange seeing him in his home environment because it was like he regressed into being a teenage brat and became a total asshole. I’ve never viewed him as an abuser before or that our relationship is toxic. On the whole our day to day life is pretty average and mundane and a very safe space for our children. I’ve bared the ugliest side of ourselves and relationship to you all but absolutely not always like that. It has however become apparent that this man hates me and I can feel it. I obviously have issues with him too - typical dynamics of a woman feeling like she does everything whilst he swans around doing as he pleases. I’m very unhappy. I didn’t do anything about it at the time because I would have felt like such a failure. Who buys a house with someone and then never moves in to it? We’d made such a big commitment I felt we had to work things out. I moved to his town by choice as I got pregnant very unexpectedly and we decided to give it a go not really knowing each very well (I don’t feel he tried to intentionally isolate me)! Before this I lived in a big city and had a very good life. Given the choice I would leave the town and take my boys to live elsewhere but don’t know if that’s completely selfish and would have to stay here until they finished school and so he can be close by. He’s an active Dad just a totally selfish partner! I work full time in a good job and I’ve always been financially independent which I feel has actually caused more problems between us and where some of this need for ‘power’ comes in.
Recently he’s been making lots of comments about my weight. I used to be really fit and also into exercise but struggled to lose my baby weight and just too busy and knackered to make it a priority. He makes me feel terrible for it rather than try and support me. Says that he’s been really patient but time to sort myself out etc. After the comments in front of the boys something has changed for me. I won’t have them grow up like I did and I won’t be verbally abused and put down. It’s all a lot to take in. Sorry to ramble and not trying to play victim card either. Really appreciate everyone’s opinions. It’s also good to get some validation and to know that I’ve been heard and understood by some of you.

You sound really unhappy. I think the sooner you leave the better. Your partner should build you up, not chip away at your self confidence the way he is doing.

Feel so sad for you OP. One of the worst things men like him do is not give you the opportunity to give yourself the most basic of self care (basically you are left to do everything by default so there is no time left for you) but then go off on how you now look different to before you had all those responsibilities. You won’t win. It’s so hard as his behaviour and destruction of the marriage is on him, it’s not your choice. What you can choose however is to get rid. Trust me you’ll have time to yourself and be able to shower in peace then.

Holy shit given that update on your respective sizes he was seriously seriously out of order to retaliate physically. Plus all the nasty talk about your body - ugh. He’s a wrong’un OP I’m sorry.