Slapped partner he hit me back

[SySy7]

Last year myself and partner bought a house together and were staying at his mums for several months whilst we did it up. We also have 2 small boys and were all staying in one room - it wasn’t an ideal environment and quite stressful. One evening I went back to MILs (she was away for the week) after spending around 14 hrs at our new house sanding and painting. I was covered from head to toe and desperate for a shower. I got in and started washing hair when the pressure dropped to nothing because he decided to start washing up (he knew this happens) so I called down for him to turn it off as was covered in soap. He ignored me and it went on for so long that I ended up going down in my towel. I was pretty annoyed and angrily said turn it off I’m showering and he refused and told me to sit on the sofa until he was finished and then I could get back in. I was shocked by how unreasonable he was being and also triggered a few things in me from childhood. I went over to turn the tap off myself and he kept blocking me and my reaction was to slap him. I am not justifying this action. He then went on to slap me back and push me so hard that I fell backwards into the wall and really hurt my back whilst also being completely naked and humiliated. I was devastated and although he apologised said I should have never of hit him. I asked him for couples therapy which he refused and said he wanted to work it out ourselves. This was over a year ago now and although I’ve tried to move on from it it’s unresolved and we can’t even bring it up without disagreeing. We had a minor disagreement recently and out of the blue he called me a fat ugly slag - it was completely uncalled for and in front of our children. It’s again been enough to trigger me that I can’t move on from it. I’ve decided to go back to therapy - I used to go before I met him. We’ve been together 7 years and they’re both isolated incidents. Am I just as much to blame for what’s happened or am I potentially with a bully? I moved to his town to be with him so don’t have any real friends or family here and both boys in school.

But men are physically stronger than women, which we all know, and while OP shouldn't have slapped him (and knows that) he escalated the violence. His behaviour prior was also petty and controlling.

I bet if the sexes were reversed, you wouldn’t say she deserved to be slapped for being unreasonable/starting the whole thing,would you?

ive always said you never throw the first punch but make sure you throw the last. It’s a persons right to defend themselves, and sounds like it was over something so mundane. Sounds pretty toxic to me from both sides. You were very unreasonable to slap him and he was unreasonable to call you names and also to use the water whilst you were showering.

I have turned the taps on to wash up after DD has had tea while DH has been in the shower multiple times (him getting ready for work clashes with tea time). It’s always been accidental - I know he’s gone for a shower but I’ve forgotten/not thought. Sometimes he might call me or shout down, a bit annoyed

If he stormed downstairs and angrily told me to stop doing the washing up I’d think he was overreacting and can imagine telling him he’d just have to wait. If he started coming over to turn the taps off and then hit me over it I’d be pretty mortified.

In that instance, you are not the victim. If anything, you are the perpetrator of the violence.

Him calling you nasty names etc is just further evidence that your both acting in a toxic way and should separate for the good of your children.

Is that the first time you’ve slapped him?

There's a thing called reactive violence, you were being pushed to breaking point and he forced a reaction from you so he can then blame you for originally lashing out.

He doesnt love you. In fact he actively hates you. Make plans and take care X

Fantastic post. I hope your mum managed to leave your dad and that it hasn’t impacted you too much.

Well he's a complete controlling shit. And you're not over it.

Leave him, take the kids, go somewhere where you are wanted and cared for, because he doesn't want or care for you.

How do you actually know the size and strength of OP and her partner?

Relationship is toxic. You're both as bad as eachother. I feel sorry for your 2 boys 😞

You already know that all of this is toxic behaviour and that it is not a healthy relationship. Neither of you were reasonable in your behaviour but you are more vulnerable to injury.

For your own sake and health, and for that of your children, you need to leave.

I don’t think there is a way back from this, it sounds like the relationship hasn’t worked for a long time.

Defense would be to block the one slap, not slap back and shove the person against the wall knowing physically you are much stronger 🙄

I moved to his town to be with him so don’t have any real friends or family here and both boys in school.

Believe me, this is not a coincidence. It's how most abusive relationships start, the abuser isolates their victim from their support circle, away from their family and friends. I have seen it happen before.

How is slapping her harder and pushing her over self-defence?

My husband wouldn’t have hit me back but would have left me for physically assaulting him. He also would have turned the sink off and I for him if he was pissed off and trying to shower. If my husband had slapped me for not turning it off however I’d leave him.

You instigated the physical violence and seem shocked he returned it but if someone slapped me round the face I think I would instinctually hit them back. None of this is ok.

I think the circumstances leading up to you slapping him are highly relevant here, as is the force he used against you. He is a nasty piece of work, and I bet there is more manipulation and control here if we started digging. Who wouldn't turn off the taps on seeing their partner covered in soap suds and dripping wet? Only an absolute twat.

This relationship sounds toxic, seperate for the children’s sake.

I don’t think you need to self-flagellate too much, OP. He bullied you about the shower, physically obstructed you from turning off the taps, and then - when you lashed out at him in frustration - he shoved you into a wall. All while you were naked and therefore unusually vulnerable. He also calls you horrible names in front of the kids.

For all the people jumping to his defence, do you really think that at any point the husband felt physically intimidated or threatened by the OP?

That sentence you wrote should read “I’ve decided to leave him”.

Never hit anyone you think won’t or can’t hit you back.

It’s cowardly.

This

She did eventually. They are divorced now and it’s much better, for both of them. Unfortunately I think it just puts a shape on your life growing up with violence like that.
That’s why I think it’s so important for OP to get help now, for her own sake and the kids’.

My mother who is much much smaller than me once slapped me, and my slap back (which she didn't expect) nearly did her in. I think my mum, like you, thinks "oh because I'm smaller and weaker I can go around hitting people". No, it's still damaging and degrading. And my slap back was NOT worse than the slap she gave me — it was in fact more justifiable as self defense imo compared to her totally unprovoked slap.

OP, please ignore all those saying you and DH are as bad as each other - you are NOT. You shouldn't have slapped him and know that, but that does not excuse his escalation of slapping you back harder and pushing you so that you fell over and hurt your back. That was not self-defence and not the action of a decent man. You slapped him I'm sure in a moment of extreme frustration after being goaded with petty and controlling behaviour ending in being blocked from turning off the taps. Some of the MN posters on here may be telling you how terrible it was to slap him, but may well have done the same in this extreme situation. We all muck up.

You're also 100 times more the grown up here in that you've suggested couples counselling but guess what he's not interested in facing up to his bad behaviour. Only you will face up to having done anything wrong. That speaks volumes.

As for the names he called you - absolutely disgusting and in front of your children. Bad enough behind closed doors but he's made it clear that on top of not having respect for you, he doesn't care what kind of impact his behaviour has on his kids who are watching and learning.

YANBU and I think your idea of having your own therapy again is a good one. Then you can work out a plan for potentially leaving him which of course must be your own choice.

Yes but I wonder what was going on here. Why did he have to wash up then - was he also perhaps coming in from a tiring activity like OP?

Or had they already been fighting over the water scarcity situation for months hence both of them being so territorial?

I ask because OP said it was a stressful situation all around and the story could well have been told from his perspective omitting OP's context (legitimate reason for wanting the shower now now now) as well..