Slapped partner he hit me back

[SySy7]

Last year myself and partner bought a house together and were staying at his mums for several months whilst we did it up. We also have 2 small boys and were all staying in one room - it wasn’t an ideal environment and quite stressful. One evening I went back to MILs (she was away for the week) after spending around 14 hrs at our new house sanding and painting. I was covered from head to toe and desperate for a shower. I got in and started washing hair when the pressure dropped to nothing because he decided to start washing up (he knew this happens) so I called down for him to turn it off as was covered in soap. He ignored me and it went on for so long that I ended up going down in my towel. I was pretty annoyed and angrily said turn it off I’m showering and he refused and told me to sit on the sofa until he was finished and then I could get back in. I was shocked by how unreasonable he was being and also triggered a few things in me from childhood. I went over to turn the tap off myself and he kept blocking me and my reaction was to slap him. I am not justifying this action. He then went on to slap me back and push me so hard that I fell backwards into the wall and really hurt my back whilst also being completely naked and humiliated. I was devastated and although he apologised said I should have never of hit him. I asked him for couples therapy which he refused and said he wanted to work it out ourselves. This was over a year ago now and although I’ve tried to move on from it it’s unresolved and we can’t even bring it up without disagreeing. We had a minor disagreement recently and out of the blue he called me a fat ugly slag - it was completely uncalled for and in front of our children. It’s again been enough to trigger me that I can’t move on from it. I’ve decided to go back to therapy - I used to go before I met him. We’ve been together 7 years and they’re both isolated incidents. Am I just as much to blame for what’s happened or am I potentially with a bully? I moved to his town to be with him so don’t have any real friends or family here and both boys in school.

Even taking the slapping out of this situation, he sounds like a bully. He reminds me of my ex, he would intentionally do things to make it difficult for me even if logically it didn't make sense. I realized he had other issues and took them out on me because just didn't like me all that much.

What reasonable person carries on running a tap when someone in the middle of a shower asks them not to?

He deliberately left her uncomfortable mid shower and refused to let her finish. He blocked her accessing the water.

Women can’t accidentally kill a man with one shove or slap. Men can, and do, kill like that. There is a difference in strength and resilience between men and women even when they are similar build.

He was unreasonable to not turn the taps off. You were then disproportionately violent and then were unhappy he defended himself.
He shouldn’t have called you names.
Sounds horrendous from both sides to be honest.

His refusal to stop washing up was spiteful but I assume it was in retaliation for something. It seems to me that your relationship, on both sides, is toxic and probably a never ending cycle of bickering and getting one over on each other. I should consider separating.

I think often people will provoke as hard as they can, without actually doing anything physical as a way of getting the other person to retaliate, so that they can then say “you started it”. His behaviour around the shower was absolutely unacceptable, even though you should not have slapped him I can understand the level of provocation was pretty extreme, and it sounds like he’s hit you back a lot harder. He won’t do therapy and now this with the name-calling. It’s no good, it will continue and escalate. You’ll be happier and healthier out if it.

I don't understand why the OP's partner needed to keep the tap running for so long to do the washing up?

Surely a washing up bowl takes about 30 secs to fill up and then you turn the tap off.

Yet here the tap was running long enough for the OP to have a shouted conversation downstairs with her partner and this went on for "so long" that she had to go downstairs and have several attempts to try to turn the tap off.

Makes no sense...

Making you wait on the sofa until he finished was to show you he’s more important than you and he comes first.

Ignoring you when you called out so you had to physically go to him in a towel was to show you he’s more superior to you.
You shouldn’t have slapped him but to retaliate harder was to show you he is bigger than you and he will win.

Calling you a fat ugly pig was to degrade you and shows you the contempt he feels towards you.

Refusing to go to couples therapy at your suggestion is to show you he’s not going to be inconvenienced and it’s too much bother.

OP you are raising boys!! Raise the bar. They are watching and learning.

I think he was not just “being a dick” by refusing to stop washing up so you could finish your shower and expecting your to sit there in a towel. He was being totally unreasonable. You shouldn’t have slapped him but I can understand why you were frustrated.
My parents used to have arguments very like this. My mum did sometimes slap or hit or shove my dad or “start” the argument, however my dad as a man was much stronger and over the years I can tell you my mum ended up with many injuries - bruises, broken bones, pushed through a glass door and almost haemorrhaged to death, whereas my dad never one had a mark on him. You are the one who is vulnerable in this relationship. It’s not about tit for tat and how much anyone is to blame. He’s pushed you and hurt you, he’s called you something vile..contact Women’s Aid, OP. Get advice from them. They are used to helping women in your situation. Don’t listen to anyone who says “well, you started it”. He will be the one to finish it, believe me.

Okay to deliberately turn on the taps knowing this would affect you and then to refuse to turn them off and say sit on the sofa.....he was goading you he wanted to see how awful he could be before you did something awful. Then you did that awful.thing and he hit you back harder. In a court of law you started it but I can't imagine making someone wait mid shower whilst I washed up.
The fat ugly slag bit. Yeah get out now this is systematic abuse. He wants to break you down. He wants you to hit him again then he can hit you back.
Also keep.a diary because you may need it for a statement. He is provoking you and I think that you need to get yourself.sorted and out of this relationship

You shouldn't have hit him but the fact that he hit you back and pushed you would mean the end of the relationship for me. Yes both sides shouldn't resort to violence but men are far stronger, and in addition to hitting you back he pushed you. In my world men who hit women are dangerous.

Don't be moronic. I've already said she shouldn't have hit him. Are you aware there is another response and that he didn't have to respond with violence knowing full well how much stronger he is, and then escalate it further by throwing her backwards into a wall? He could have left, or expected her to go to therapy for anger issues if he didn't want to end the relationship.

Am I giving him advice here telling him to stay and suck it up? No, I'm telling her to leave because I don't think men who smack women and throw them around are safe. Him throwing her backwards could have had very severe consequences, hitting her head on the floor, on the edge of a table, etc.

Why do you have a problem with me telling her to leave the relationship? Are you a man who smacks his partner around?

I very much doubt he deliberately turned the taps on to inconvenience you, andy didn't hear you when you called down about the shower, then you came down shouting the odds, whilst he was cracking on with washing up and then slapped him. You escalated a nothing thing at every turn.
Please srarate for your children's sake

Makes sense if he was deliberately wanting to make her uncomfortable and bully her.

I put YANBU because you reacted to his toxicity. It does not excuse your behaviour, you should not have slapped him, you know that, but he was angling for this sort of reaction. You are not with a nice man. He will not support you and this will only get worse.

Protect yourself and your DC. He will try to get you to react again so he can say you are toxic. As he will not go to counselling the best option is to get your ducks in a row and leave. Best of luck, it’s very hard at the moment but it will get better. Lean on your family, friends and MN.

Well obviously, but that doesn’t mean he gets a free no consequences hit back. He was also violent and there’s a good chance as a man he is stronger than her. If that shove had caused a fatal head injury he wouldn’t claim self defence

I don't agree with the slapping but he sounds like a bully who likes to be in control and show his dominance. Regarding the slap, I can see how some men would slap a woman back if the woman hit them first as this can be an instant reaction but to then follow this with a push rather than checking their ok seems rather extreme.

To all those saying the op hit him first, and shes a bully etc. did you all actually read the post

you know the bit that says she was in the shower, went down in the end to ask him to stop using the water as he knows it stops the shower and his response was no, sit soapy and dirty until I have finished. It that really acceptable behaviour for everyone?

Ok op should not have hit him, but he certainly didn’t need to push her so hard she fell and hurt herself.

As to the name calling that’s just nasty

It’s a good idea to seek therapy but I would also be considering the whole relationship, he obviously doesn’t care about you, any normal person would have allowed you to have your shower and stopped washing up

As you wrote it was a stressful situation but.....

6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Neither of you come out smelling of roses.

Maybe it time for you both to leave each other and both find someone more suited to yourselves?

OR

Come to some reasonable and mature resolution of the whole matter.

He was physically blocking her from
the tap

Neither of you come out of this well and neither of you should have resorted to violence- did he really have to hit you back to defend himself? The name calling is also unacceptable. You have 2 children, what do you think is best for them? To stay in a relationship where the respect is so non existent their father calls their mother derogatory names and their parents have hit each other or show them you don’t have to put up with that treatment and end the relationship and be happier for it?

Neither of you sound like you're in a healthy place. Name calling during any sort of conflict is immature and does nothing to move on and resolve the situation.

You have 2 young children with this man, and although you can't pretend you don't argue at all, they should absolutely not be witnessing either parents abusing the other.

YABU. You started the violence. No one should hit anyone without expecting a hit back. Just because you were then in a vulnerable and embarrassing position it doesn’t lessen the fact you started the violence

You shouldn't have hit him, that is a given. However he did not meet your slap with self defense (that would be to block a slap, its wrong that some people are justifying his slap back as self defense), he chose to accelerate the violence, especially as he pushed you too. With him being a man his slap and push would have undoubtedly done more damage. He knows this.

Absolutely no excuse for him to call you such vile names, especially infront of your sons. He is a bully. Unless there are other events that give more context... he is obviously the abuser in this relationship. Ignore anyone claiming you are one.

He is a bully and you need to leave. Just because you slapped him does NOT mean he gets a free pass to hit you back and hit you harder ffs, that's not how it works and not how a real man would behave. Please get some help for yourself and leave.

You are not a bad person OP or to blame for his behaviour, he was clearly looking for a fight. You do not deserve to be bullied, shoved, slapped, or verbally abused. I hope you are hearing me.

Then op should walk away and not hit him